We didn't expect for it to end. Even when we did.

We were lost, now we're blind, no finding our way in this dark.

We would have held on... yeah~ we would have held on~!

No more late night calls, asking how you are!

No more wishing on a star, for one more chance!

No more~----

No more~----

If only I could have you here....

Tell me do you miss me?!

Tell me do you wish I was there?!

Tell me...and I might not dissapear~!

Tell...-!

I turn the radio off. I couldn't bear to hear anymore of that damn song. To hear his voice.

It's been four years since I last saw him. Four years since I've even said his name aloud. Four. Fucking. Years. Four years...and I can still remeber how it felt to be in his arms. I can remeber how it felt to hold him so close our heartbeats were one and the same.

We haven't spoken since the day he told me he was leaving. We were fourteen when we broke up, and yes time matters. Time along with the things that we never got to say, and the things we did.

I can remeber every hurtful word we spoke to each other the day he left as well. I can remeber all the things I wanted to say... the things I should have said.

I can remember the things. Big, little, all of it.

Things I didn't say.

I can't help but think that the song he wrote...the same one that causes me to look back and focus on all the times I screwed up and fucked up my life...was meant to remind me.

That causes me to look back on our relationship and know that, even if I want to blame it all on him, it takes two to fuck up a good thing.

It took me and him.

I am the cause of the worse heartbreak known to man.

But so is he.

We fucked up together. That's that.

He had to leave...and I couldn't go with him. My mother needed me here. I couldn't just run away with him even if I wanted to.

■■■■■■■■FLASHBACK■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■

Look at me. Please just look at me.

Why won't you meet my eye?

Damn it! You're making me worried!

Jaxon please...

Please...

Just look at me...

I can't stand this silence anymore! Neither of us speaking.

"Jaxon...what's wrong?" I ask him, the tears evident in my voice. I wish I was able to hide my emotions as well as he can.

His face is blank. A white wall of nothing, showing absolutely no emotion.

That's how I knew something was wrong.

He was never hesitant to let me know what he was feeling.

Now I couldn't even make out at least one of the tell all expressions he usually wears.

I'm looking for something, anything. I don't know what.

I'm so focused on his face I don't look to his body til I'm sure I'm not going to find a clue to what is going on behind those pale pools of turquoise that are his eyes.

His shoulders are tensed as if waiting...anticipating...preparing.

His whole body is tensed up and his eyes are anywhere I'm not. The way his back muscles tense in time with his fists, and the way his knee is jumping nervously, is giving him away.

"There's something wrong isn't there?" I ask concerned about the way he is sitting there obviously nervous but still staying silent.

"Not exactly," He finally answers me. Still not looking my way.

I'm relaxed some by his answering me, but not completely. He is still jumpy, nervous.

"What do you mean by not exactly?" I can't stop myself from asking the question, although I immediately want to as I see his jaw tense, giving him away again.

"I got a record deal..." He let's those words hang in the silence.

"Baby that's great!!!!" I can only be happy for him. I know how hard he worked. He worked harder than any one else for his dream.

I was there for him. Every step of the way. Since he bought a guitar, to the first time he started to learn to play and the endless hours of learning how to play together so we'd be able to claim being self taught.

We knew it was stupid and unlikely, but I knew it was the only thing he would ever want with such passion. So I encouraged him. I sat through endless practice sessions, cheered him on at every party or club, I helped to convince them to let him preform in.

We were a duo. The ultimate dream team.

My dream was to see his come true.

My world centered around him. He was my sun. My sustenance. My reason for being alive.

I was sure of it.

I wasn't so sure of my position in his life though.

"We can't be together anymore..." He said still not looking at me.

I finally realized what he was staring at.

Our pictures were scatters across my room walls and on my full body mirror, which he was now using to guage my reaction.

"What...?" I ask him even as I feel a cold spreading through my body. "Can't we talk about this?!" I ask hysteric.

"I don't need any bad publicity about me being in a relationship of any sort with an openly gay faggot...I get a clean slate. I don't plan on ever mudding it up with the likes of you again. My life was hell here with you being apart of it, so I'm done."

He states that never looking at me directly, but rather our reflections.

The cold has spread from my chest and after hearing that has already reached my toes.

I realize after he gets up to leave that I am freezing from the inside out.

The very fibers of my hair...brittle.

"We're done Noah..."

I won't take any more of this.

"You really feel that way?" I ask in a quiet voice.

"You weren't saying that as you went down on me and then took me like the bitch you are...now, did you?" I ask him with intent to kill. To break him like he's just broken me.

"As gay as you seem to think I am, I didn't make you come out of the closet nor did I ask you too. Before you even met me you were already making out with male camp directors every summer away from home," I sneer at him.

"Even if I'm gay at least I'm not a whore."

The hurt on his face as I say this breaks me.

His walls are down.

I don't want to care. Not after he hurt me like he did.

Now I'm hurting him.

Like a wounded animal...

Feral as I try to convey that even wounded, I can still break him and will do so.

This isn't me. Why can't I stop. He's in pain.

I need to apologize.

I want to hold him.

"Fuck you Noah..." Jaxon speaks in a low voice, as he walks out of my room, down the stairs, and out my front door, slamming it as he went.

I curl into myself forming a ball.

Crying I call out to him. Even while I know I won't ever get the chance to hold him ever again.

■■■■■■■■FLASHBACK ENDS■■■■■■■■■■■■■

I am snapped out of my thoughts as as customer walks in with the hostess and is seated at my table.

I walk over plastering a smile on my face.

"We serve to please, now what can I get you," I worked in a cafe/restaurant, my friend Jules ran the place and gave me a place to work after I lost my last job.

I was really depressed and wasn't all that great at it in the first place so I got fired.

I was out of work for six months before she came to my house guns blazing and dragged me back out to rejoin the real world.

When she found out I lost my job she practically forced me to work for her and to relearn the basics of proper hygiene.

I am very thankful to her, for all she has done for me and she knows is.

She was one of the only people who didn't abandon me when they found out I was gay.

She was my best friend.

I loved her like a sister.

We were that close.

....

After taking the man's order I give it to the kitchen and head back out doing the rounds at my other tables.

....

As I am getting ready to head home for the night I see someone staring in through the front windows at me.

Wearing a hoodie up over their face, as they continue to watch me.

Nervously I start out towards the door.

Intent to ask them why the hell they are creeping outside Jules place watching me, with a pocket knife in my back pocket. You can never be too safe in a city like this.

I approach the door and as I'm getting ready to open the door I barley catch a glimpse of their face, unable to tell if it is a woman or man. Although I figure it is a man from their shape, and the definite build you can clearly see even with them wearing the hoodie.

They abruptly turn away and run down the street disappearing around a corner, into the dark alley I know to be there.

Well, not going that way.

I continue out the door and I head in the other direction, after collecting the rest of my things.

I walk to the bus stop that runs late on Saturdays when I stay for extra hours, not wanting to return to my empty apartment, with no plans for the night.

I sit and wait for the bus.

I time my departure from Jules' place so that I wait a maximum so five minutes at the bus station.

I may have precautionary items with me at all times but, doesn't mean I want to have to use them.

I sit restless for three minutes as I look around me to see if anyone is approaching the booth I am sitting in waiting for the bus.

I don't trust people, and I'm not planning on getting snatched because I wasn't paying enough attention to my surroundings.

I'm a pretty paranoid person, especially in a place like this.

The floors were so gross and disgusting, I had crocs on that I usually kept in my bag in a zip lock baggie, just for here or any other particularly nasty place I happened to have to wait in.

My feet were sore from being on them all day.

Plus I was tired enough to not care about my lack of a romantic life, and to be focusing on unwinding.

I listened out and hurriedly got up from my seat when I heard the bus arrive.

As I started to load the bus Vern nodded his head in greeting to me.

"Hey Vern how's the wife and kids?" I ask him.

My grandma and him used to be great friends until she passed away. Right after my mother.

"Fine. Just fine." He answered me. "So how come your still taking a bus this late on a saturday? Your date was to rude to escort you home?!" He asks indignant, looking back at me through the rear view mirror.

"No Vern I don't date...remeber?" I remind him with a bit of sarcasm leaking into my voice.

Vern frowns at that.

He and Mira have been trying to set me up with their grandson and other gay males they thought respectable enough to even bother with.

I mean I love him and Mira but going on and date with someone a nice elderly couple picked out is kinda...

Bland.

I like excitement. That is what it comes down to for me.

The choose respectable, nice, caring, sensitive, boring people, with not even a ounce of bad.

I have a thing for the dangerous side of a man. Just the way it is.

Vern continues to frown for a bit more not saying anything. For once I actually think he has dropped the subject, and am relieved.

I was wrong.

"My grandson is still interested you know?" He speaks up from the front keeping his eyes on the road as he says this.

I'm not going to lie. His grandson is so hot you could get a third degree burn from just looking at him.

He was every thing I could want in a man.

Caring, strong, protective, nice, loving, sweet, and completely bad ass.

He was also insanely jealous.

He was the closest thing I had, had had to had to a boyfriend in the four years since Jaxon left me.

We had been talking for only about two months and by that time he was already insanely jealous.

I mean of any and everyone. Even Jules, hell especially her, because of how close we were.

I didn't realize it immediately, because I thought he was just being over protective.

That is until a few of my friends started telling me he was threatening them to stay away from me. So I dropped him like a bad habit.

He didn't like that.

He went so far as to actually start stalking me.

He became obsessive.

I never told Vern or Mira about it because he had stopped once he saw I was serious about getting the police involved if he didn't stop harassing me and my friends.

"No thanks Vern." Is all I say to him though as we reach my stop.

I climb down the steps and onto the sidewalk that lead into my apartment parking lot.

I was lucky enough to find a place that was actually on the bus route. I walk away from the bus waving goodbye to Vern as I wish him a good night.

Entering my building I enter the lobby.

In the lobby there is a beat up couch stained and dirty, big enough to seat four people. Across the room is he elevator and to the left hand side of the entrance is a reception desk.

The room has golden colored wood panels on the walls with paintings of landscapes, with the occasional picture of random things,like, a street, or an alley, and my personal favorite a stripper at a liquor store. The floor is covered in a fuzzy but rough green carpeting.

I head straight to the elevators, barely waving a hi at Hector. Only just now realizing how tired I was.

As I reach the fifth floor at apartment five-D, I place my key in the lock, and step into my home.

Kicking the door shut behind me I lock it back up.

I kick off my shoes and dump my bag and keys at the stand I have to the right of the door.

I start to strip even before I reach my room, throwing myself onto my bed in nothing but my underware. I roll up like a burrito falling fast asleep.

Shit. I think I might have forgotten to do my homework. Fuck it.

There's always tomorrow.