If you want some honest feedback, I don't like the font, I don't like the way you edit, I don't like the shading and the lineart isn't fantastic, all in all it's making the reading quite difficult. There's also mistakes in English and the whole thing doesn't feel natural (even when it's correct). Maybe the story's good, but the way you tell it count as much as the story you tell.
There's a lot to improve in my opinion.