Chapter Five

Romance: Pale and Dark

Veda

I had been thinking about Antony. He was going to ask me to be his date for grad, and I was prepared with an appropriate rebuttal for a chess tournament champ. No matter what he said, I knew how to move my pieces until the king was dead.

I was out of time. The moment had arrived.

June let him in and he was staring into a shallow bowl of rainwater when I entered the living room.

“What are you using this for?” he asked instead of saying hello.

“I think it’s a joke June is playing on me. I said I wanted to try scrying, so she left a bowl out to catch the rain the other day. It’s nothing.”

He looked at the bowl like he hated it. “It looks dirty,” he commented. “If it’s only for a joke, can I throw it out?”

“No,” I said, thinking of the many uses for rainwater.

He glared at it one final time before he made his way over to the enormous wooden bench that served as our couch. He sat exactly in the middle as the bench had a spinning wheel at each end. Every woman in our coven carded and spun wool. Not even one of us liked sitting on a mushy seat to do it.

Antony did not attempt to warm me up with chit-chat before he got to the point. “Do you have a date for grad yet?”

I shook my head. “I can't think of anything more boring than the ceremony. I can't ask a date to attend anything that tiresome and all the boys at our high school are even more boring than the speakers will be.”

Antony did not realize I was including him in ‘all the boys’ and continued, “You weren't thinking of asking Salinger, were you?”

“Will he even be in the country? I thought he still had a few witch covens to tour.”

Antony enjoyed hearing that. “You didn’t like him?”

In reply, I gave Antony a playful look that could have meant anything.

Feeling comfortable, he continued. “I heard he canceled his trip. He's renting the attic in Fair Isle's house for the entire summer.”

“All the same, I don't think I'll ask him to grad. I don't think I'll ask anyone.”

“Why are you so grouchy about this?” Antony questioned, leaning forward. “It’s a normal right of passage. Everyone has to do it.”

Here was where my planned attack came into play. If I delivered it properly, he might not confess to anything I would find distasteful. “Don't you think it's sad we can't have Pearl come with us?”

Antony gawked at me. He had not thought about Pearl.

I continued, “She's our cousin and she's going to be left out. Sure, she could join us later on for the parties afterward, but she'll only look like an odd wheel and not part of our group at all. Don't you think that's sad?”

“Uh. No. That's how it's always been. She's always been the baby we didn't want following us around.”

I huffed and stamped my foot. “That's why it has to be different this time, before we’re all grown up. Do you know what I should do? I should ask her to be my date.”

Antony ground his teeth in frustration. Our conversation was not going the way he planned. “You'd ask a girl?”

“Why not? It's not as though we’re in the stone age and she would understand what the gesture meant. That, for once in our childhood, we all accepted her and saw her as our equal. In a few years, we'll all be adults and it won't matter that she is a few years younger. We'll all be adults together. Let's be friends now.”

“I never thought you gave a rip about Pearl,” he grunted.

He was right and he was wrong. My speech was stretching the truth. He was right that I did not consider it mandatory for her to accompany us for our first night of adult partying. He was wrong if he thought I didn't care about her. For the moment, neither feeling was the source of my words. I was trying to put him down a path that made more sense.

I had goals. I had goals for each of my cousins and separate goals for myself. I had finally decided on my goal for Antony. I need to find him someone else within our coven to attach himself to. My goal for Pearl was that she should choose a color and stop being a baby. Stripes? Please! Antony’s attention would mean more to her than to any of the other cousins. To her, he was fantastic: an older boy, with a car of his own, who worked magic, and he was part of the collective group of cousins she had always wanted to be a part of.

“Hey,” I said, acting like I just got the idea. “Do you have an idea of who you want to take to grad? If you don't, why don't you take Pearl?”

Antony almost choked even though there was nothing in his mouth. “Veda,” he said sternly, once he recovered. “I came over to ask if you wanted to go to grad with me.”

“I'll be there,” I said dismissively. “Why do we have to make such a formal declaration since we'll be there together anyway?”

“I don’t want to take her. Veda, I want to take you,” he said, determination in his voice.

The sound of my name spoken in such a way made the crawling sensation on my skin return. He was looking at me like he saw something about me that I didn’t want him to see. What did Antony know about me?

I lowered my lids and said with a catch in my voice. “I’ll be there anyway. Pearl won’t be.”

“You’re not getting it,” he said, amused by my density. “I want you to be my date. I want to date you. That’s what this is all about.”

I had to speak deliberately, so there was no misunderstanding. “I don’t feel the way you do. That trick you pulled in the practice room, touching my leg... it upset me. If there had been a part of me that could like you, I would probably have loved that trick. I didn’t. I don’t think I can ever feel that hot buzz you’re supposed to feel when you’re attracted to someone. You’re my cousin and it’s fun to hang out, but it stops there.”

The look on his face was horrified. “What do you imagine it feels like?” he asked, his voice half-strangled.

“What?”

“That hot buzz? Tell me more about it.”

Telling him more was not an option. If he heard exactly what I fantasized about, he might be able to find a spell to give me what I wanted. “I don’t know. I only know I should not feel like I am at a family reunion.”

He bent over. It had been a slam and it hurt him, but he was a chess champ and rebutted quickly. “Nobody cares about that around here. You know that. People in our family marry their first cousins all the time.”

“That’s how they feel. It isn’t how I feel,” I said. “Pearl is our cousin and I’m recommending her. Do you have any idea how excited she would be if you asked her? I’m like a stone, but she would be like a garden springing up to meet you. She could give you so much more than I could.” I took a breath and continued, “Besides, I don’t think I’ll ever flourish in a romance. I’m too hard. I’m too broken.”

His eyes snapped toward mine.

I went on. “I’m very uncomfortable with the idea of physical affection. I’m sure you’ve noticed it about me. I hate physical contact that has no purpose. I touch people for social reasons and practical reasons. I would double kiss anyone at a party if it was socially expected and I would let a doctor set my broken leg. Other than that, I have no desire to be touched for...” In distaste, I nearly spat the last word of the sentence, “pleasure.”

He set his jaw.

I went on, “If you want me to go to grad as your friend, I think there is no purpose in taking me formally. I will be there as your cousin.”

“What about Salinger?” Antony countered. “I heard you went on a date with him.”

“I did,” I sighed. “June accepted on my behalf. I wanted to give him the chance to ‘interview’ me so he could figure out how non-fun I am and move on.”

Antony got to his feet. He was furious. “You know, Veda, you’re right about one thing. You are so hard! Nothing ever pleases you. Nothing is ever right. No one is ever good enough, and now you tell me that not only will I never be good enough, but no one will?” He was almost pleading with me by the end.

His speech didn't move me. I was harder than he realized. Also, I knew something he didn't. If there was any way to fix me, if there was a person out there who could make me wish for romance and love—no matter what—it wasn't him. I had to make him understand. To stop him from taking any more damage at my hand, I had to be even harder, until he left.

I looked at him indifferently.

He pleaded with me again. “Why do you have to be alone?”

I opened my red lips. “You and I are already as much in love as I can stand. There is no more love in me.”

He nodded like the up and down movement of his chin would slice something open. With his left hand, he knocked the bowl of rainwater on the hardwood, and the ceramic shattered, splattering heaven’s blessing everywhere. He didn’t apologize or look at me again as he left the house. On the way out, he slammed the door like thunder. I found that I liked him more at that moment than ever before. Hopefully, the bowl was the only price I would have to pay for rejecting him.

I had cleared one hurdle. Hopefully, I had planted the correct seed in Antony’s mind when I suggested he date Pearl.

As I picked up the shards of broken glass on the floor, I wondered what had happened that made Salinger want to stay. Hopefully, he was staying for Fair Isle. Maybe there was meaning to his staying in her attic.