Josey sighed with relief as they left the deli; he didn’t know how a day that started out so well could go so wrong. Kristy had nearly blabbed the truth about his parents kicking him out of the house and he didn’t want Tor to learn about it that way. He wasn’t sure why he was so reluctant to tell Tor about that…maybe he didn’t want Tor to feel sorry for him and stay with him only out of pity.

“Because if I tell him about the red string and my parents, I’ll end admitting how much I’ve fallen for him,” Josey thought as they walked back to his apartment. “What if that makes him panic and leave? I don’t know if my heart will be able to take him rejecting me twice, especially now that I know him!”

Tor was also unusually quiet and they ate their (delicious!) sandwiches in silence. Afterwards they continued to sit at the kitchen table in that awkward silence until Josey wracked his brain for something to do.

“Tor,” he said on a sudden whim, “would you let me sketch you?”

Tor glanced at him in surprise and Josey half-expected him to say no…but he didn’t.

“Alright,” Tor said slowly, “if that’s what you want to do.”

“Just a few quick sketches,” Josey promised. “I won’t spend more than a half-hour. You can even keep your clothes on!”

He added the last part in a hopeful attempt to return humor to their situation and thank god, Tor chuckled.

“Your loss,” he said, but he obediently sat on the couch where Josey directed him and stared ahead. Josey worked quickly, making several pencil studies of Tor’s face before doing a larger portrait in pen. He definitely took more than a half-hour, but Josey was rather pleased with the end results. He’d done his best to capture what he saw, including the delicate details of Tor’s scars. But what Josey liked best was the determined glint in Tor’s eyes: while the rest of his expression looked a little weary and worn, the light in Tor’s eyes shone with strength and resolve. It made Josey feel braver to see it and he smiled when he looked up at Tor.

“Do you want to see?” he asked, gesturing to the paper.

Tor nodded, so Josey sat beside him and handed over the portrait. Tor was silent for a long time as he looked over his own face.

“You made me look courageous,” he said after a minute.

“Yeah, well,” Josey replied, his breath tight with emotion, “that’s because I see courage when I look at you.”

Tor glanced at him and to Josey’s alarm, there were tears in those deep grey eyes. Tor quickly looked away again and fixed his gaze on the stack of children’s books. Josey couldn’t help but notice that Tor’s jaw clenched when his eyes settled on “The Red Badge of Courage.”

“I’m not brave,” Tor said finally, the words rough in his throat. “I’m a coward.”

“You’re not…” Josey started to say, but Tor interrupted him gruffly.

“No, Josey, I am a coward,” he insisted. “I’ve been running away for a while now. I’m not talking about what happened when I was injured – I’m talking about what happened afterwards. What happened between you and me.”

Josey’s first instinct was to insist everything was alright, but he saw that determined glint was still in Tor’s eyes and so he remained silent, choosing to hold Tor’s hand instead. Tor squeezed his hand in return.

“I told you before about how I froze up at the soup kitchen when I was attacked,” he said, still not looking at Josey. “Well, the same thing happened the day I was injured. It was supposed to be a routine scouting mission to secure an important area, but we ran across some unexpected combatants in a key location. I directed our unit to go around a back way and come up behind them – it was safer, but would take longer. Ellwood and Garcia decided they couldn’t wait and they tried to sneak up from the front, disobeying my commands. By the time I realized where they’d gone, it was too late and they were already pinned down by insurgent fire.

“The rest of the team started to go to their rescue, but I knew we’d all get torched by those guns if we went from the front, so I sent the others off on my original orders and went by myself to see if I could give Garcia and Ellwood covering fire long enough for them to extract themselves. I managed to stay out of sight but when I got close enough to assess the situation…I froze. It was like my body stopped working and I could only watch the shit-show happening in front of me. My instincts told me to return to the rest of the team quickly, but before I could force myself to move, the insurgents shot a couple mortar rounds at Ellwood and Garcia. They didn’t stand a chance, and I was close enough that I got blasted with debris. The shrapnel cut through my flak jacket – that’s where all this came from.”

Tor gestured to the left-hand side of his face and arm, and then briefly lifted up his shirt so that Josey could see the webbing of thick scars that covered the left side of his torso. Josey’s eyes filled with tears as he imagined the pain Tor must’ve been in.

“The rest of the team were able to contain the situation,” Tor continued. “But because of our remote location, we had to wait until they could arrange an airlift for me. I was conscious the whole time, right until they got me in the chopper. Unfortunately, by then infection had already set into my wounds and so I had a pretty lengthy hospital stay. That, plus the fact I had a mental breakdown about Garcia and Ellwood’s deaths in the hospital, was the reason my commanding officer decided I would be issued an honorable discharge. I was no good for active duty anymore.”

Here Tor paused and swallowed hard several times. Tears were running down the man’s cheeks and Josey tried to wipe them away with his sleeve. Tor looked at him.

“I felt like a failure, Josey,” he said helplessly. “I blamed myself for their deaths because I didn’t act fast enough. I felt worthless. I felt I didn’t deserve anything good, that I was a monster who needed to stay out of other people’s lives in case I ruined them too. After I left physical therapy, I kept to the streets. I didn’t want a house or a family, I wanted to be alone. I ran away from everyone who offered me help because I was afraid I’d ruin their lives with my episodes and my guilt. I ran away from you because I didn’t think I deserved to be with anyone…I was selfish and I know I hurt you that day our string brought us together.”

Josey winced and automatically started to protest, “No Tor, you didn’t…” but Tor cut him off.

“I saw the hurt in your eyes,” he said. “And I meant for it to hurt. I hurt you on purpose so that you wouldn’t want to be my soulmate, so that you’d be one less person I could fail. I am a coward Josey and I will always regret that I pushed you away when we first met. Because you are the loveliest, kindest, warmest, and most wonderful person I’ve ever met. It’s so easy to be with you, Josey, and you make me wish I was braver. You deserve so much more and I want to be better so that maybe I can deserve you in the end!”

Josey’s eyes were spilling over with tears now. Without thinking he threw his arms around Tor and hugged him tightly; Tor clutched back at him like a drowning man and sobbed. Josey had so many things he wanted to say to him, but he waited until Tor’s crying had subsided into hiccups before he loosened his grip around his shoulders and lifted the other man’s chin to look in his grey, red-rimmed eyes.

“Thank you for telling me all that Tor,” Josey whispered. “I’m sorry that you felt you were worthless, but let me tell you that you aren’t. You’re worth so much to me…you have no idea!”

He paused, and in that split-second he knew that there was no reason he should hide his feelings from Tor. Despite what the man said, he wasn’t a coward and Josey was brave enough to trust him!

So he cleared his throat.

“While we’re in this spirit of sharing,” he said, and to his relief Tor weakly chuckled, “there are a few things you should probably know about me. You might’ve guessed some of it already and I fully expect that Kristy said something to you when I left you two alone.”

“She’s a good friend,” Tor replied. “In her defense, she didn’t really tell me anything I didn’t already suspect. The one thing I didn’t understand was that she said you’d been able to see your red string since you were nine years old.”

Josey took a deep breath and then released it.

“Yes,” he agreed. “The string appeared on my finger when I was nine. But I didn’t feel any tugging and I couldn’t follow it very far before the other end faded away. Still, I was so happy every time I saw it around my finger because I knew it meant that there was someone out there for me. You see, I actually had a really happy childhood. My parents were very much in love with one another and I had three older brothers who I was close to. It was a very traditional upbringing and my family was proud of how traditional it was. I grew up believing that they’d love me no matter what I did.

“Shortly after I turned seventeen, my eldest brother followed his red string to his soulmate and my parents were so pleased, they threw a special family dinner. That was when my dad told us about his grandparents’ red string and he said our family had a strong tradition of lasting bonds with our soulmates. Well, I decided that moment was the best time to announce to everyone that I was able to see MY red string and that…ummm, that I hoped there’d be a man at the other end.”

Josey’s mouth went dry as he remembered his parents’ faces as he’d made the announcement: shock, and then disgust. One of his brothers had laughed until he realized Josey wasn’t joking. 

“You see,” Josey continued, his voice croaky, “I’d always secretly known it might be problem, which is why I hadn’t said anything before. All the emphasis on ‘traditional’ couples…you know? Little comments whenever they saw same-sex couples…they never said anything explicit, but I think in my subconscious I knew it was a problem for them and so I stayed quiet until, well, I couldn’t be quiet anymore. They tried to talk me out of it at first, telling me I was confused and that I was too young to know, but I knew. I’d known the moment I saw the red string that I wanted another boy attached to it. Then they got angry at me when I wouldn’t back down. And that’s when I understood that their love came at a price: they couldn’t love me for who I was and I needed to follow their rules to deserve their affection.”

Josey had to stop speaking as the memories of that day washed over him, overwhelming his senses. Tor held him in his arms and patiently waited for the tide to go back out.

“My parents told me that if I acted like ‘those kind of people’, there was no place for me in their house,” Josey finally creaked out. “And when I still refused to give in, they handed me a suitcase and my birth certificate and showed me the door. They told me that I was ungrateful. My brothers refused to look at me. One of them even called me a horrible name. It was like all my life up to that point had been a lie. But somehow I held myself together until I was out on the street and I ran to the nearest phone booth, because they didn’t let me take my cellphone. It was raining and my socks were soaked, and I remember thinking, ‘My socks are never going to be dry again…’”

He shivered at the remembrance. Tor squeezed him gently and ran his fingers through Josey’s hair. Josey leaned into the touch, rejoicing at Tor’s warmth.

“I kept telling myself that I couldn’t give up yet because my soulmate was out there waiting for me,” he said as he held onto Tor. “I had to keep going because there was someone who really loved me and would make all the pain worth it. So I got into a phone booth and called Kristy, my best friend from school. She knew about my string and my worries about my parents’ views. I don’t think she was surprised when I called her, because she told me to come over right away. Etta and Sam had already promised they’d help me if anything happened, and they scooped me up in a hug and made me cookies and gave me a room and promised I could stay as long as I wanted. Sam hired his cousin, who’s a lawyer, to help me get legally emancipated so I could work and find scholarships for art school. I had to learn about health insurance and taxes and other important things to survive in the world, all while trying to graduate high school. It was hard Tor…really hard. I often thought about giving up, but then I’d see the red string on my finger and remind myself to keep going instead because I wanted to meet you.”

Tor’s breath tightened. Josey touched his cheek, smiling.

“And you know what, Tor?” he said. “You are definitely worth it. Even after you pushed me away, I think you’re worth all the heartbreak. Do you know why the main character in ‘The Red Badge of Courage’ isn’t a coward at the end? It’s because he goes back into the battle after running away – and he does it even though he is afraid. Just like you came back to me. Please remember that: YOU were the one who found me again.”

Tor’s eyes filled with tears again and he gripped Josey in his arms. They sat like that for a long time, crying until there were no more tears left in either of them. Finally Tor let Josey go and wiped his nose with his shirt.

“Thanks for spoiling the end of the book,” he said with a weak laugh.

Josey laughed too. He felt so light, he was afraid he might float up to the ceiling. It was as if the room had grown brighter too and everything was fresh and clean, like the world after a rain storm. 

“Sorry,” he chuckled. “But were you really going to read it?’

“I might now,” Tor answered, and he put his hand on Josey’s cheek. “Josey Green, I think I’m falling for you.”

“And I’ve already fallen for you, Captain Winters,” Josey replied. “May I kiss you?”

“I’d be disappointed if you didn’t,” Tor said, and he leaned in to press his lips to Josey’s in a kiss.