I stare at the icon of the little car slowly driving towards me on the map on my phone. Ray had volunteered to give me a ride home, but I had politely declined. I’m just not ready to be handing out my address to people I barely know even if they are cute.

“So am I allowed to ask you out on a second date?” Ray asks casually while leaning up against his car door and watching me.

“Uh…”  I look up at him, but then quickly look back at my phone.

“Sensing that inner turmoil again.” He says making me grimace.

“Well, I do like you.” I admit. And I do, he’s kind and smart and funny and cute, but he’s also… delusional. “Truthfully I just don’t think I’m ready to be dating anybody.” Which is true. Even after 5 years there are still some times that I feel completely alien in my body and the idea of telling anyone I’m trans or people finding out makes my stomach twist up in knots. Maybe if I’d had more of a supportive family when I’d come out I wouldn’t feel this much anxiety about it, but I hadn’t. Instead I’d been taught to be embarrassed and ashamed for being different.

“Sorry,” I blink and look up at him as he suddenly apologizes to me with a guilt-ridden face. “I don’t mean to be pushy or anything.” He continues. “I guess I’m just not used to dating and having crushes and all that stuff anymore.” His cheeks color with just a hint of blush and he nervously runs his hand through his hair.

“No no,” I quickly try to reassure him, “you haven’t done anything wrong, I swear.” Gah, I’m such an idiot. I didn’t mean to make him feel bad. This would be so much easier if I wasn’t so incompetent at explaining my feelings. “I really do like you!” I find myself blurting out. I can feel my face burning at my sudden declaration. “And I want us to be friends…” I feel like burying myself in a hole. I’m such an idiot. What the hell am I even saying?

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“But I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable.” Ray insists.

Where is he even getting that idea? “You don’t make me feel uncomfortable!” I assure him, but it doesn’t look like he believes me. “I just have a lot of complicated things going on in my life right now, with my family and stuff.” Well, it’s kinda true. I hope my explanation is enough to convince him.

He doesn’t look too convinced though. He’s still pursing his lips in a pout. “If I’m being too forward don’t be afraid to tell me, okay?” He insists.

My head swims. How had the conversation turned to this? “You’re not, I promise. And I wouldn’t mind us hanging out again. I just don’t want you to get the wrong idea.” He may be weird and delusional, but people have said the same thing about me so who am I to judge. And going out had been nice. I can’t remember the last time I did anything fun outside of work.

A car honking suddenly pulls me out of the conversation. I look up at the black hatchback pulling up to the curb before looking down at my phone to confirm that this is indeed my ride home.

“Here.” I look up at Ray as he speaks and see the small square piece of paper. “It’s my card. My cell number is on the back. You can call me anytime you want.”

“Oh, okay. I’ll see you later.” I take the card and make my escape. The driver asks me to confirm our destination before he pulls us back into traffic. I watch Ray through the window until he disappears from sight. Without mercy my mind already begins replaying our conversation. Ugh, why am I so awkward around people?

I look down at the card he’d given me and give it a more thorough examination. A plain looking white card with ‘Wizard’ scrolled across it in a fancy gold script. I turn it over to see 

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both a phone number and a website typed in black ink on the back. I shake my head and look back out the window. I’m too exhausted, both physically and mentally, to be thinking about this stuff. Instead I watch the other cars and the buildings pass by until we reach my apartment. I thank the driver before getting out and heading inside.

I quickly take off my shoes before I walk into the main room. I look around, books and movies piled onto every available space, my couch covered in blankets and pillows, and bags of different snacks collecting on the floor beside it, everything is exactly as I left it. I toss the card Ray had given me onto the coffee table before I go to the bedroom. I can’t even muster up the energy to take off my work clothes instead I let myself just collapse into bed and fall into blissful sleep.

When I open my eyes again the sun is still peaking through the curtains of my bedroom window in a bright yellow glow. I groan and bury my head under my pillows. I really don’t want to get up. I’ve been working overnights for years, but my brain still insists that I should be awake when the sun is out. I don’t know if it can be considered insomnia or my body just being rational. Eventually I back roll over and face the facts: I’m not falling back asleep. With a heavy sigh I sit up and begin taking inventory of the things I should do before work. Step one is obviously take a shower. Step two is figuring out if I own anything edible for dinner… or is it breakfast? I still haven’t figured that one out. I grab some clean clothes and head to the bathroom while debating food philosophy.

I stare into the depths of the mess in my living room after I’ve showered and dressed. The hot water had awoken all my senses and made me realize that my apartment is a mess. On my