“Kai, ever tried push-ups?”

“I don’t believe so, Master. What are they?”

“It’s an exercise you do on the floor. You set yourself up like this…”

Exercise? Like the kind we did in the classroom, with reading and writing? But I watch him kneel on the ground, then use only his hands and toes to balance himself.

He looks up to make sure I’m watching. “And then you lower yourself…”

His whole body lowers. I stare at him, watch the muscles in his arms. Then he pushes himself back up, his arms straightening again.

“Then you… y’know… push up.” He sits on his knees again. “And that’s one push-up.”

“Okay,” I say.

“You try.”

“Yes, Master.” I’m suddenly nervous. I think about his arm muscles and how much larger they were compared to mine. What if I couldn’t do them? I shift onto my knees, like how he started, then move onto my hands and toes. My body shakes. I look down when a draft of air seeps through my shirt, which now hangs off of me, exposing my chest. And my tail lifts in the air, like a dog. My stomach contracts like it’s trying to hold me up, but I continue shaking. I swallow. “Is this good, Master?”

His eyes are large, his mouth open. “Uh… yeah. Uh… it’ll feel… weird at first, since… you haven’t done them before…” His eyes shift from mine to… where? My backside? “Uh… now try to push-up.”

I take a deep breath, then lower my arms like how he did. Not only are my arms aching, but so is my chest. I struggle to push from the floor, my whole body shaking. My arms collapse and I’m on the floor, my tail slowly drooping to rest along my legs, my heart racing. I speak to the floor when I say, “I’m sorry, Master. I tried.”

It’s quiet, then his breath comes out like sneezes, then to full laughter. “Oh my God! After all the work you do, you’re still so weak, Kai.” He crawls over to ruffle my hair and scratch behind my ears. “Looks like we have more to learn than just letters and numbers.”

“I think so too, Master.” I’m still lying on the floor, face down, but smiling. My tail rises at his touch. “Let us try again tomorrow.”

“Yeah. I could train you. And then you can have actual muscles. And do real push-ups.”

First literacy, and now this. I remember the titles he used. Was I a servant or a friend? I roll over and sit up. “Whatever you’d like, Master. I will do it.”

“Oh, yeah?” He’s still smiling. “You sure about that? Still, after everything we talked about?”

I tilt my head. Was he talking about the day after our lesson? If I liked something or not? If I could choose what I wanted?

He leans close to my ear, his cold hand lightly around my neck, on my collar. “How about you…” My hair raises when I feel the warm tickle of his whisper. “…kill a chicken for me, right now?”

Oh…

I shiver at his order, or was it from his voice in my ear? My voice is hushed, like his. “Is that all right with Mother and Father, though? Which chicken would be okay to kill?”

“Hm…” He pulls back, his voice returning to normal. “I’ll show you. One of the older ones.”

We go into the yard and he watches the chickens move around. Then he points. “That one. He’ll be for dinner.”

“Master, are you sure this is okay with Mother and Father?”

“We’ll just say… he wasn’t feeling well. So. Kill him.”

There was something wrong here. “Master, are you feeling okay?”

“Come on, Kai. Stop putting it off. I’ve never seen you kill a chicken before.”

“The next time Mother or Father say we can, I will show you. It doesn’t need to be now.”

“Are you trying to challenge me?”

I watch him. He sounds tired, like he has asked the question too many times. He sounded bored. “No, Master. That is not what I intended. It would simply make more sense to have the whole family agree to kill one chicken than get in trouble for killing the wrong chicken.”

He just stares at me, like he can’t believe what I’m saying.

I bow. “I apologize, Master, but sometimes the life of an animal cannot be taken so easily because of the wish to see it die.”

“Oh. Okay.”

We head back to our room. He flops down on his bed, his feet making running and spinning motions. “So… what else? What else can I do with you now? I’m out of ideas.”

“What do you mean, Master?”

“What I mean is…” He looks away for a moment, then back at me. “So, are you always like this? Like, do you have any idea what you do all day?”

“…I will need more information, Master.”

“Being so complacent all the time.”

“Complacent,” I echo.

“Yeah. Like accepting everything that comes your way. Remember last time? You said you don’t even care what happens to you, as long as I give you the order.”

“Yes, I remember.”

“So then, if you didn’t have to follow any of my orders, what are you actually like? What would you do instead?”

What? “Master, I don’t understand.” That evening comes back to me – when he left and ordered me to not follow him, and I lay awake in bed until he returned late. Would he be angry, like he was then?

But he looks up at the ceiling, thinking. “Like… okay. When you go in to tutor kids, you need to be the teacher. You need to be nice and encouraging. But when I’m outside the center, I can… you know… be me. Since I’m not the tutor anymore. I’m just… me.”

“So… you can be someone else?”

“Yeah. Like that. Like you don’t need to lie about who you are.”

“What about when you teach me? Do you become this other human?”

“Uh…” His eyes widen. “No. That’s… just me. I don’t need to lie for that.”

“Are you saying that it is truly you when we are learning?” The same boy who fought others, hit me, and ask me to kill? The same one who lay in the meadow, who held me after we escaped my clan? “The same as all the other times when we are together?”

“Uh…” He is blushing. “Well… yeah. I, uh… I don’t have to pretend around you. I guess.” He looks away. “Maybe it’s just because we spend so much time together.”

“Oh.” I feel relief, but I don’t know why. Despite our time together, I felt we were missing something that I saw between him and Merle, Mother and Father. I knew only his habits and reactions, his actions, what he might say next. I was familiar with his life, but not with him.

But was there really a difference?

“Hm.” He stands to look out the window. “Kai, are you ever curious about other people?”

“Yes, Master. I always wonder about you.”

He whips around, staring at me. “No, I mean, like, not… me. I mean, yeah, but, not as a servant. Like, getting to know them as a person.”

I watch him. His arms are wrapped around him, like how my own ears and tail would lower when I am confronted. He is slightly hunched over, trying to hide.

He moves slowly to sit on the floor and faces me. He’s blushing, but why? “Kai, uh… after all the time we spent living together… I don’t really know you. Because you’re always a servant.” He looks down at the floor, his finger scratching the wood. “I… uh…” He takes a huge breath. “Are you just… pretending to be like this? Do you act like a servant around me, and when I’m not here, are you the real Kai? Can you feel things… like humans do?”

I look around the room. How could I escape these questions? I did not understand them. My body is warm with the pressure. My heart beats quickly. I want to run. I would fail. “I am not sure if I can answer those questions, Master. They are difficult.”

He’s leaning into me, and I’m leaning away, his eyes large, his breath on my face. “So… can you try?” he whispers. His hands are on my shoulders, and suddenly I’m aware of how much stronger he is. But I stare at him, into his eyes. His dark eyes. My pulse quickens, his knee against my groin, my arms trying to support me as I get closer to the floor.

He gasps, just realizing his closeness. He drops his hands, wipes his face. “Sorry.” He wipes his hands on his shorts. “I’m sorry, Kai. I… I don’t know what that was.”

The pressure against me. “Neither do I, Master.”

We stare at each other again, but I still don’t look away. Like I’m really a wolf, challenging him to say something. He breaks eye contact first. “That was weird.”

“What was weird, Master?”

“…Staring at each other.” He looks at me. “That’s what wolves and dogs do, isn’t it? To find out who’s the leader?”

My eyes widen. I just challenged my own master, and he lost! Before I can say anything, he lifts a hand. I flinch.

“It’s okay, though.”

I look back at him, surprised at the gentleness in his voice.

His hand moves slowly to cover mine. It’s so warm. My entire body tickles at his touch. Does he feel it, too?

Neither of us move. He looks down at our hands, then slides his away. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you.”

“I was not afraid, Master.”

“Yes, you were. I just saw you.”

“Never mind that, Master,” I say. “It is only reasonable that I receive punishment for challenging you.” I sit up straight, ready myself for his hand.

“…You were afraid. You didn’t want me to hit you.”

My body slumps. He is pitying me. I feel shame. “Master, whatever you do to me, I am fine with it. I accept it.”

“Kai, tell me the truth. Are you just pretending that you like everything I do to you?”

“I am not pretending.” My fur prickles. Why won’t he punish me for such a thing?

“Kai, am I hurting you or not? I order you to tell me the truth!”

My mind opens. “Yes, Master.” I don’t yell. But I cannot stop the words from coming. He wants the truth. All of it. I cannot resist. Cannot stop. “It always hurts, Master. But not on the outside. But every time you punish me… it hurts inside. But I hide it, every time.” I can’t look at him when I reveal the secret of being a servant. Of being an omega. To keep your pain to yourself, and live only for those around you.

His voice shakes. From anger? Or sadness? “So then all these years, I’ve treated you like shit, and you just acted like it was okay, when it wasn’t?”

But wasn’t I the perfect omega? The perfect servant? Allowing my master to treat me as he wished? Tears form in my eyes. No! I won’t cry, ever. No complaining, no fear, no questions. Keep my loyalty, dedication, acceptance. I grit my teeth, trying to contain the emotions blooming inside me. I shut my eyes, imagine the forest, but it is dark, and I cannot run.

“So why do you stay, then?” I look up. He is crying.

“Because of the contract,” I whisper. I want to wipe his eyes.

More tears run down his face. What was he crying for?

He sniffs again. “…I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”

“Why, Master?”

“I didn’t know you could feel pain. I’m sorry, Kyrov.”

“It’s–”

It’s not okay. “…It’s not okay.”

“It’s not okay. It’s not okay! I abused you. I tortured you. I treated you like you weren’t real. Like you weren’t a real being. I am shit. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for everything I’ve ever done to you.” He bows his head to the floor, his screams and sobs muffled. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Kyrov.”

My master wants forgiveness. From me. I do not know what to do.

He sniffs again. He lifts his head and wipes his eyes. “Kai…” His voice breaks. “If…” He presses his fingers to the side of his head and takes a deep breath. “If you want to leave, we can break the contract. Right now. You’ll be free.”

An image flashes through my mind. A dream of walking among humans, without a master, free to do as I pleased, without tasks to complete. Free to run and wander through the woods and explore what the earth had to offer. And only the simple obligation of the full moon in a forest somewhere far away. Just like the dream in the market, as I sat there, watching the humans.

But it was a dream.

“Kai.”

I look up at him. “Master.” My voice is quiet. He leans closer to me, and there is the scent of pine and rain. “Even if we ended the contract now, I could never truly roam free. I would always need to serve my master. I cannot turn into a full wolf, so I could never live with my clan.”

“So what are you going to do?”

Does a master like him get another chance?

I bury my head in my knees. I don’t know what to do. I close my eyes.

I see the boy in the market, running. I see his face when he drops the leash, when he is leaving for the day, leaving his parents so we could be bonded. The days full of anger, with his fists and feet and words and leash, nakedness, scratches and bruises and blood and vomit. Protecting him from my clan, from those children. Teaching me how to read and write, fulfilling his promise from the day we met. His realization that I may not know what choices or these likes or dislikes were, but that I could feel pain at all. That he realized how much pain he caused.

And now, he was giving me the choice.

I am dizzy when I look up at him. “Master?” My heart races from nervousness. My throat is dry, so dry.

“Yes, Kai?”

“You said you wanted to know more about me.”

“Yeah. I do. I want to know more about you, Kai.”

“Yes, Master. And you ordered me to stop lying and pretending. And you realized that I do feel pain. All the time. And you realized all the pain you have caused me.”

“I do. All of it.” He looks away. “But the orders don’t feel right anymore. They don’t feel good.”

I am confused again, but I press on. I take a breath. “I want to give us another chance.”

“…Us?”

“Yes. Us. You and me.”

His face shifts between relief and confusion and disbelief.

He sighs. “I don’t deserve it, Kyrov.” He crawls onto his bed and lies there, staring at the ceiling. “I don’t deserve you.”

I don’t know what else to do, so I stand up. And I lean over him, and our eyes meet. I suddenly remember the boy who sat on the crate in the alleyway, smoking his cigarette, completely defeated, and tired, and who just wanted to sleep. I lift a hand, and when I do, he’s the one that flinches. But why? I just… want to lay my hand on his forehead, and he shivers. Feel his warm skin and run my fingers through his thick hair, like when we lay in the meadow. He closes his eyes. I do this to comfort him, like it’s just my instinct, but my body stirs with something new.

I stop when I feel his hand on mine, and he’s holding it against his face, and I feel how warm his breath is before his lips touch my fingers.

My muscles tense, and his eyes fly open. He sits up so fast he looks dizzy. I stare at him, then at my hand, as if there were fire on it, or like his lips were still on them. I look back at him, and he’s staring at me, and I wipe my fingers with my thumb, suddenly noticing how late it is, and that I need to start making dinner.

We don’t say anything as I rush out of our room, my mind whirling, my chest aching, and my hand still warm from his touch. As I very slowly and carefully cut the vegetables, trying to steady my hand, I hear his footsteps and the front door open and close gently behind him.

And I continue to think of the night in the meadow, surrounded by flowers, as we lay together with only the moon watching us.