We lay together on the damp grass, staring up at the seemingly infinite star-filled sky, his warm hand enveloped mine.

“You’re beautiful,” he said as he brushed his hand across my cheek which caused a pink blush to tint them. I rolled over so that I was facing him and snuggled against him. He wrapped one of his arms around me and pulled me closer before saying, “I love you. I want to keep you safe, always.”

His words came out as barely a whisper, and if I had not been so focused on him I wouldn’t have heard it. Although he’d been addressing me I wasn’t sure if he’d intended for me to hear it, so I didn’t reply. Instead, I buried my face into his neck and inhaled. I loved the way he smelled; it reminded me of a nighttime rain. Fresh. Cool.

I took another deep breath to inhale his scent and…

I felt someone gently stroke my cheek, an attempt to rouse me into consciousness. When I opened my eyes I thought I saw a silhouette standing above me. No, not really a silhouette; it was more like an ethereal shimmer, vaguely shaped like a person. I blinked and when I opened my eyes again I used my hand to shield them from the sunlight that seeped in through my window. There was nothing out of the ordinary.

Damn, it must have been the beginning of a lucid dream. How did I pull myself out of it? But, more importantly, why? I lamented the loss of skin-to-skin contact I’d just experienced in my half-awake state. Even though it wasn’t real, it felt like it was. It was the first physical contact I’d had in months, as I’d shied away from the world around me, forming an invisible, protective barrier to distance myself from others.

I closed my eyes again and rested one hand on the cheek that had been touched. Him... He’d been in my dreams for about a month now. I didn’t know his name, though it was my mind that created him. I suspected that it was my subconscious way of handling the grief I’d suppressed after my mom’s passing.

I sighed as I heaved myself out of bed and sauntered downstairs in search of my housemate, best friend, and former guardian Kai. Kai is twenty, two years older than me. Our mothers—my mom, Maya Matsunaga, and Kai’s mom, Eri Suzuki—had been best friends forever. No, seriously, they’d been best friends for as long as anyone could remember. As a result of their friendship, Kai and I had grown up living next door to one another and, naturally, we became best friends as well.

Unknown to me, shortly before my mom passed away she had Kai sign documentation that made him my legal guardian until I turned eighteen, which happened a few months ago. Even though I’m legally old enough to be on my own now, Kai told me that I was welcome to stay as long as I’d like, that it wasn’t just his house—it was our home. It was reassuring to know he felt that way.

Kai was sitting at our dining table eating breakfast while reading something on his Galaxy Tab when I found him. Though he couldn’t have woken up that much earlier than me he looked simply modelesque. His midnight black hair was tousled, but it looked as though a professional stylist had done it, and his glasses sat at the tip of his disgustingly perfect nose. Some people, like Kai, were just blessed with great genetics, whereas I struggled to appear human every morning.

The struggle was real and it had only gotten worse in recent months as dark circles had begun to form under my eyes, and my eyelids were perpetually swollen from crying myself to sleep every night. Sigh. It was only thanks to Mr. Dream that my eyelids managed to look normal, with their small crease, on mornings like this one.

“Morning,” I said as I sat across from him.

He looked up at me as he put down the Tab and smiled, a small dimple appearing on his right cheek. “I left some bacon and eggs for you on the stove, if you’re hungry.”

“Thanks,” I said, “but I wanted to talk to you first.”

Kai tilted his head slightly, as he always did when he was curious.

My stomach flip-flopped as I began to speak, hoping that he wouldn’t reject my offer. This was me reaching out, taking the first step toward rebuilding our friendship—the friendship that I had torn down brick by brick by shutting him out. At least that is the way it feels in my heart, I thought as my stomach dropped.

“I was just wondering if you would be willing to go shopping with me today. You know, to help me pick out something to wear to graduation.” Although his expression remained neutral, I could see the delight in his eyes that an effort was being made on my part to connect with him again. I was sure that if it were possible his dark brown eyes would have flashed the colors of the rainbow to express his excitement.

“I’d be happy to,” he paused, his voice taking on a cautious tone when he continued, “…It’s been a long time since we’ve done anything together.”

“Yes,” I agreed, “it has been... And I’m sorry. I’ve been checked out, haven’t I?”



(Early January) Two months earlier…

“Please talk to me, Vilvian,” Kai said. I heard a soft thump, which I assumed was Kai resting his head on my bedroom door. The door wasn’t locked, but he respected my privacy too much to enter uninvited.

I looked up at the door for a moment and contemplated opening it for him, my best friend. If anyone could empathize with what I was going through, surely it would be Kai. But as the thought registered in my head, my body suddenly felt like it was made of lead and my tongue felt fat. I was incapable of transferring thoughts from my mind to my mouth.

I put my head back down on the pillow, face first. Breathing was difficult, but these days I felt that perhaps life would be easier if I simply didn’t have to live it anymore. I didn’t know how to function like a regular person with this hole in my heart.

Through the door I heard a soft sigh, and what I thought was a sniffle. Kai was probably crying, too. He was probably in as much pain as I was, and yet here I was, shutting him out because all I wanted was to not feel anymore.



Although I saw him every day, things hadn’t been the same since my mom passed away. Over time I’d made small improvements—eventually, I started to return his smile as we passed each other in the hallway or we would engage in small talk about our respective days during dinner before I politely excused myself to my bedroom to wallow in my smallness. Once Death had touched your life, you realized how small and powerless you really were.

I cared about Kai and was grateful that he took me under his care when he could have turned my mom down, and passed the responsibility on to his parents. But lost in my grief, I’d forgotten how to be around other people. I didn’t want to be around other people. I didn’t see the point of maintaining relationships. In the end, everyone left you in one way or another.

At my best during my worst, I was able to wear a mask that allowed me to get through work, to muddle through forced interactions with people. But at my worst, I realized there was no light in me at all.

Kai smiled at me, and for the first time in a long time, the smile reached his eyes.