“Upon my death, to whom so deletes my hard drive shall go all my worldly possessions.”

- Confucius_360_noscope_69_420

Herrick here to teach you how to swipe right responsibly!

Now I realize what you are about to think…this is some random guy patting himself on the back, self-aggrandizing all of his successes because “look at me! I’m attractive, and I got skills!” or some such nonsense. You’d be right…except that the stories I’m going to tell aren’t about my successes, they are about my failures and what I learned from them. 

The reason why I decided to share this is mostly for entertainment purposes. When I fail, I fail in the most spectacular of ways! For example, if I were to fall down some stairs, it would be at the top of a 50 story building, and I'd liiiiiikely hit every stair on the way down. “ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-…” *continues 44 more times*. A small part of me becomes glad that I'm on the 1st floor, it's over. *Phew!* Noooooope, basements are a thing. "Ow-ow-ow..."

Spectacular failures that are peppered with my unique brand of humor fill my dating life. And yet, I still managing to find a modicum of success along the way, meeting beautiful people, making valuable friends, and finding love, companionship, and experiencing true self-improvement. 

My goal is to impart lessons I learned along the way. Indeed, there were quite a few of them too! So harken to me my fellows as I (try to) teach you the ways of the kung-fu-tinder-fist. 

"We are what we repeatedly do. Excellent swiping on Tinder, then, is not an act, but a habit." - Aristotle

So why do I quote Aristotle and his age-old wisdom of online dating? Online dating is my medium of choice. Ever since I was in middle school, I could not ask girls out in public. Indeed, it still fills me with dread. However, being a writer (geez, go figure right? Me? A writer?) I am exceptional at talking to girls using text. So, when I discovered online dating, I jumped on that like Luke learned the force...he didn't really know how for like a movie and a half, but he tried and still managed a modicum of success. Over time, however, I learned how to use online dating to allow me to meet new and exciting people. When I was younger I did go a little bit crazy on the scene to the point where one friend introduced me at a singles party as "The online dating guy." because I'd gone out with numerous of his friends to his bemusement. 

What is hilarious to myself and the people that know me well is that I am a complete and utter dork. I am not a player, 100% respectful, always kind, and actively try to do the right thing for anyone I go out with. 

I'm a true romantic at heart though, and I firmly believe in being the best I can be for everyone I go out with. Indeed, I also wouldn't call myself a player. Sure early on when I "Cracked the code," I went little bananas. But most recently I've become selective, slowed down, and only really go out with people that genuinely interest me. If I find someone I clique with, I tend to stay with that person. I am also altruistic. I want to think that every person is lovely, unique, and beautiful. Which...gets me into a lot of trouble. But, I have not changed and never intend to. 

And so you know, I intend to do two things here. Each post is going to tell an exciting story, and then afterward I'm going to impart a piece of useful practical wisdom for your dating life. Though I'll admit, some of the stories I'll tell you are legitimately just for entertainment value only. 

Here are a few such examples: 

That time I ended up dating a serial killer

The escort on holiday

How I ended up 50k in debt over a fake divorce

How I ended up in a biker gang sex show

The best OkCupid profile I’ve ever found titled “The best worst ex-girlfriend you’ve ever had” Disclaimer, I didn’t write this one, but holy goddamn Jesus Christ on a stick, deep fried and served at a fair is it amazing!

The time I ended up in a nerdy sex club

The taser dominatrix

How I became a part of the kink community, on accident

When I ended up in a no sex poly relationship with three other people because the girl had a monogamous boyfriend (And yes you read all of that correct)

The old man and the 18-year old (This one is one I witnessed, not me)

From Stoner with Love

First date with an Airsoft Gun

I'm not even covering my advice columns. These would be 100% practical advice. Not those "Get rich quick" schemes kind of thing; factual, no pitch.

How to prep for dates.

what to do on a bad date

How to protect yourself

The best date spots (in general, not specific)

How to make a boring date interesting

How to create a good online dating profile

How to take a good online dating picture

How to ask girls and guys out in public

And as a final note, these are experiences that I have had when interacting with the opposite sex. As a straight male, they are my only point of reference, and I do not now nor will I ever believe they are ambassadors of the opposite gender. Nor, do I want to convey that message to you. Sometimes you may find that these stories lack a piece of a complete story at the end and the reason for that is to extricate identifying information about an individual. These stories are never going to be about calling out that individual, but about sharing interesting, funny, and bizarre experiences that I have had. 

Let me be frank. This serial is going to be a lot less like a self-help book and more like watching a trainwreck in slow motion. Buckle up and enjoy the ride, my friends!

- End of Episode -

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New Episodes of Swipe Right are released every Wednesday at 7 AM PST.