Author's Note: Letting Go is going through an editing process and is marked complete here. Once the revision is done we will be re-posting the story on the Don't Touch page.

I've been sitting for an hour discussing my week, the college courses that I am taking, and how my dad has been wanting me to visit more this year. When our session began I discussed the overwhelming amount of projects that are due soon and how I wasn’t too sure how I would catch on to my assignments. The thing that I have noticed more the past couple of weeks is that my anxiety has worsened and it’s been difficult to overcome it. For the past two years, I’ve been having my appointments with my psychiatrist, Dr. Brown, and as usual, I’m sitting across from her on her small couch. We talk as if we are close friends and we were able to build that bond from the beginning. I’ve had a psychiatrist before a few years ago and I’ve never felt as open as I have been with Doctor Brown compared to my other therapist.

“So, what are you going to do this weekend?” She asked me as we changed topics.

“I don’t think I’ll be doing anything aside from seeing my high school friends this evening and Elliot won’t be able to join me but he should be here; he wanted to take me home and didn’t take no for an answer. He had a class early this morning then has work in the evening and he needs to go back to his dorm before curfew hours,” I answered her.

“College, huh? How is it in your relationship with the both of you attending separate colleges?” She repeatedly asks me this question as a way to check our relationship knowing that it is one of my key points towards my past.

“So far it hasn’t been any difficult compared to last year and we haven’t been seeing each other too often but I know not to push it. Elliot has been enjoying himself since the classes he picked out this year are towards his major and it’s what he’s been studying for years, but he's been busy with other things and trying to balance so many things at once.” I said looking down at the worn-down bracelet that’s on my wrist and running my fingers over it. “Sometimes, I’m okay that he’s focusing on his studies, but I get jealous as well because I wish I can be as dedicated as him and feel like I still don’t know what I am doing with my life. It’s been a weird process trying to finish my first year of college.” 

“Maybe it’s not jealousy and you’re feeling more admiration? You always give him high admiration for his maturity and desire for achievement,” She said, giving me a small smile. “Is it possible that you wish to have that same mind process that he is following for himself? Also, are you still worried about your major?”

“They sent me a notice that they suggest I should pick out a major before the semester is over and I still don’t know what I should mark my major. With finales coming up, it’s been confusing me and I look at the list feeling like I don’t care for any of it,” I informed her, fidgeting with my bracelet. “I feel embarrassed talking about this with my mom and dad… I feel like she wants to keep hearing that I’m doing fine, handling college on my own, and not having to worry about receiving a phone call from me as she did in high school. Dad doesn’t even ask how college is unless he’s making conversation and is pressuring me to a higher level or something. I guess I’m not doing as much as he did in high school and says that I could do better. Things keep repeating in my head like I’m not trying hard enough, maybe there is something wrong with me that can’t process this whole college and career-building like everyone else. I’m setting myself up to fail at this point and it’s only been a year since I started.”

“Michael, we talked about this, you have to be more open with your mom about your worries and don’t feel like your feelings will be a bother; she has seen many of your bad moments compared to anyone else. You had these thoughts a year back when applying for college and your fear about your independence after graduation,” She stated as she reached for her notebook and flipped through the pages. “College is a frightening path to take, but if you continue to study and find a major you enjoy learning; that’s when it’ll be easier for you. I say look at those lists of majors that your college provides and see what calls to you. Look back at the classes you’ve taken this year and see which one you enjoyed the most, but I hear you still have time until the fall semester. Don’t rush yourself.”

I thought about this and looked up at her, “Okay, I’ll do that and see what I decide. I know that I do have time, but I want to get this out of the way and not dwell on it. There’s this feeling that I have to do something.”

“Alright. Just remember that it doesn’t have to be today to make this decision and give yourself time to figure it out. Maybe talking about it with Elliot can help more since he already has experience or you can ask your friends that you're seeing today,” She said, leaning forward in her chair and giving me a supporting smile. “I’m sure your friends are also going through the same thing as you are. Also, those thoughts that you were mentioning. Let’s rebound those negative with positive responses. When you feel like you aren’t progressing, reflect back to how it was in the beginning. Recall how you were in the beginning and remind yourself of the steps that you took to get where you are now and use that to your advantage.”

“I understand. I never would have thought of it that way or built myself up in that way.” I said, grabbing my backpack when I saw the time and standing up. “Alright. I should go now. I don’t want to have Elliot wait longer and be late for work.”

“I’ll see you next week. Same time and same place,” She waved at me as I walked out of her office.

I walked out of her office deciding to stop by the restroom and felt like I needed to take a moment before seeing Elliot. Entering the bathroom, I went over to the sink as I took a glance around to see the restroom empty before splashing my face with cold water, and ran my fingers over my short curly hair hoping that could make me feel refreshed. I turned back to my reflection taking a deep breath wanting to clear my mind and I couldn’t help observing myself like I’ve forgotten how I look. My appearance hasn't changed much for the past few years aside from growing two feet or so and I've been working on gaining some weight but it seems like there wasn’t much progress; not that I mind it; I feel more pleased having a thinner body shape and I’ve been more comfortable having a small size. I was startled when my phone vibrated notifying me of an alert message and I checked the new message from my mom informing me that she’ll be home late. I took that as a sign to exit the restroom and made my way to the lobby of the hospital looking around trying to find my boyfriend.

“Elliot, come on,” I called when I saw him waiting and smiled when he turned his head towards me. Everyone I see there has always this awe feeling that I can have someone like him as my boyfriend and I didn’t think I’ll have someone like him to connect with after my previous relationship. Elliot is taller compared to me with his dirty-blond hair, and when he smiles there is a dimple on the side of his cheeks.

Elliot walked over to me, reaching out to hold my hand, and we began to make our way out towards the parking lot, “How did it go?” He asked me.

“Nothing more than the usual. There’s not much to say but a few things that have been bothering me,” I said getting inside his car once we approached it and I put on my seat belt. “Talked about the school, my anxiety, and my family. I don’t think those topics have changed over the years.”

“What about school?” He asked, confused.

I looked down knowing that I hadn’t talked about these things with him and paused for a second before explaining. “I need to pick a major before the end of the semester or there could be some complications with my class scheduling and transfer; if I want to transfer later on.”

“You haven’t picked one?” 

“No… I thought I’d have an idea of what I want to study after taking the general courses, but now they gave me a deadline and my counselor wants to check in on me before the spring semester ends.” I said, looking out the window. “I still don’t know what I want to major in. I thought I’d go with computer engineering or computer science, but it's not something I’m interested in and I’m only picking it just to choose something.”

“If this is a big struggle for you then why don’t you take the next semester off to try and figure it out?” Elliot suggested. “You still have money from your compensation to depend on and you can try the workshops the campus has to offer. There are training schools that you can consider, too.”

I rested my head back and thought about what he said. “No. I never planned to spend that money carelessly and taking a break wouldn’t just solve my problem. It feels like if I take a break then I might be too nervous to come back,” I responded, glancing out the window and trying not to put myself down. “My biggest fear is that I don’t want to fail and disappoint everyone. It puts so much weight on my chest trying and that just makes me panic.”

“Michael, that money is for you to use as you like and you’ve been fortunate at the amount that the judge gave you,” Elliot said as he parked in front of my house after the short drive and turned to face me then reached for my hand. “And you’re not going to disappoint anyone. You’re trying hard and this is a decision for your future.”

I tried to smile at him as if I understood but I couldn’t and it made me feel more uncertain. “It’s tiring trying to make sure that I’m doing everything right. I know there’s no reason for me to be worrying like this, but I can’t help myself and I fall under pressure so easily. You don’t see how it is for me and how it feels going through this alone.”

“Then stop worrying about what we would feel and just make sure you're doing everything for yourself,” He said and watched me see my expression.“If you don’t like the pressure of these colleges then look towards a trade school that can help you get a license like dental assistant or pharmacy. It can help so much since it only puts you on a straight path if that interests you.”

I understand why he’s suggesting this after I received the compensation when I pressed charges against my ex-boyfriend, Chris, for attacking me almost two years ago; a little after I started going to therapy with Doctor Brown. I submitted a report on his domestic abuse that I dealt with during my earlier teen years of our relationship and what had led to my suicide attempt. There were a few times that I wanted to change my mind about continuing the court trial because I was embarrassed and ashamed of having to tell my story to a whole room of strangers. The jury decided on the fate for Chris, and he was sent to juvenile detention for a year than to be released on probation; it seemed like he’d been in trouble before with fights outside of school. At the time I didn’t care too much about what would happen to Chris as long as he stayed away from me and I wouldn’t have to worry about the places I go. There had already been an accident before that I’ve run into him and my anxiety would grow worse out of worry that I’ll be seeing him again.

I also placed a restraining order on him in case he ever tries to look for me again once he is out and I wouldn’t be on my toes when I go visit Dad in my hometown. Aside from receiving the abuse from Chris, I developed a disorder called haphephobia, fearing being touched, and my depression; as well as panic attacks. After having my manic episode in high school I knew that I needed help and that I couldn’t handle my mental health on my own. I will say that within time after my first session with Dr. Brown I’ve had better control of my anxiety, but I didn’t know how I was going to handle my first year of college. I haven’t said anything to my family, or Elliot, but it feels like I’ve been having a mini relapse and I’ve been trying to work my pay around that without trying to worry everyone.

“It’s still a little weird using the money besides paying for my therapy after I’ve added an extra half hour to the sessions and I’ve never had that much money before. I don’t know what to do with it.” I said, glancing over at him and not wanting to leave yet. “I feel odd that I have all this money that I never asked for and I know we’ve talked about this a couple of times, but I feel uneasy when I have to touch it. I didn’t want the money to bring justice against Chris.”

“I was a little surprised that you wanted to extend your session, but I guess it's good to do that if you’ve been feeling uncomfortable and if it gives you some peace by seeing Doctor Brown a little longer,” Elliot replied and reached for my hand. “Maybe the money might not be what you would call for an exchange, but to be able to use the money for your therapy is a great example to spend it. It’s not like you're being selfish on using the money and I know you aren’t careless about spending as well.”

[You should go read Don't Touch to know more about Michael and Elliot beginning relationship]

Oh, a reminder! As you know, and to those of you that have not read Don't Touch, the story will still go through various sensitive topics. The main theme of the novel will always be mental health awareness with the subplot romance. Please keep that in mind because our main character, Michael, has a mental illness: Haphephobia, fear of being touched, and PTSD [Post traumatic stress disorder] With that, there are triggering moments during the story that could be sensitive to some readers.

{here's a bit of explanation to help if you need some understanding about PTSD or you can skip-> } PTSD is a disorder in a person who has difficulty recovering after experiencing or witnessing a terrifying event. Symptoms may include nightmares or unwanted memories of the trauma event, avoidance of situations that bring back memories of the trauma, heightened reactions, anxiety, or depressed mood.