It was that darned day, the day she told me something so...so...

At first I didn't understand what she had meant. Yes, I understood parts but I didn't know how to put them together.

My mind raced with thoughts that I didn't have the heart to tell her, I could never. 

"That's disgusting!" 

"Keep that to yourself, a thought should stay as a thought."

"I understand what you mean, what can I do to help?"

I couldn't. I couldn't say that. All my thoughts were jumbled, forcing themselves to fuse together. I sat on the edge of my bed blank faced. No words were coming out my mouth. Just plain horror painted my face. I ignored her messages, pretending I didn't see them. I told her I was packing away my things, and that I didn't finish get to when I moved in last night. 

"Did you block me?"

"Do you hate me?"

"Why aren't you answering?"

I couldn't, I just couldn't. I didn't want to answer her. I didn't know what to say. I opened her chat and sat there. Staring at the screen without saying anything. Time went by and she asked the question again;

"Do you hate me?"

I don't know...

Then, I blantly spoke;

 "I have nothing to say to you"

I wasn't what I intended, but she understood...or did she? 

I sent her a voice message, explaining what I meant, hoping she doesn't think I do.

I'm no one to judge

I stared at my phone hoping to get a response. I did. She explained everything to me. Though, it took time since I'm slow to catch up. 

"I haven't in two weeks"

"I'm trying to stop"

All I could do was commend her for her bravery. How strong she was to take action. How determined she was to try to stop.

"I'll make it"

"I will survive this"

Words that never came out my mouth.

All this, all of it. It...the flashbacks. I can't anymore. No matter how much I want to help, I can't.

Nobody was there to help you, why would you help?

Just because no one helped me, doesn't mean I wouldn't help them. But in this case. I can't help. It's beyond what I know. I have no experience of this. There's nothing I can do. 

She apologized. Apologized... Apologized? Why is she apologizing?

"Sorry for trauma dumping" 

No. No. No. WHY ARE YOU APOLOGIZING?! 

I am to APOLOGIZE. I've been so selfish.

All this time I thought I was protecting you...

It was all just play pretend...

I felt bad, terrible. She asked if there was anything I wanted to share. What do I even say?

YES! THERE IS! 

I wouldn't actually say that... Why would I? This isn't my time. But...all I felt was guilt. Guilt... GUILT. GUILT!

Why her? Why was it her...? She doesn't deserve that...

I felt sick. I had the sudden urge to puke. But I couldn't, I hadn't eaten anything for the day. And I had lost my appetite.

12:02

"I'm going to eat"

Tears flooded my eyes. A waterfall unleashed. I couldn't. I couldn't do this anymore. Why? WHY?!

"Bye"

I had to tell her, I just had to.

I started typing. Hoping the words flow in. I stared at the words then pressed send. Within some time, she answered.

"I'm sorry"

WHY ARE YOU SORRY?! WHY ARE YOU APOLOGIZING?!

"I'm tired"

"I'm going to sleep"

In the end....I didn't have the heart to tell her. I...wasn't ready to say it...

I laid on my bed. Alex on my chest. Staring at the ceiling. Trembling under my blanket.

How would she react if I said I shared a similar experience?