It started with a text.

Mom: I know you want to see us. But we finally got your evil out of our house, so you can't come over. We can meet up at a park or something at our convenience.

This text led to a confession, plus a life change. But was this text really the catalyst? Or was it simply the reminder it set for Nikolai Azrail? This text, seemingly simple, sums up years of his existence, dredging up bad memories, at least, the ones he can remember. There isn't much he CAN remember. This confession, as a reply, went as stated:

I understand. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry I couldn't and can't and won't ever be the son that you can understand and talk to about these things. I'm with Satan and evil, and he won't let me go, and I won't let him go. I'm lost and I know God can save me, but I don't feel close to him and I am going to hell. By choice. God will win in the end and I won't be by His or your side and I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry for being the kind of son I was and I want you to know the guilt crushes me. I'm not looking for pity, I just need to say this to you. I'm sorry I can't stand firm in Christ by you guys' side. And at this point I won't ever. I'm sorry for all the lies and betrayals and disrespect. I'm so, so sorry and I want you to understand how sorry I am. I love you, but I don't love God. I love Satan and evil. And I don't think that's going to change, Mom. And I know the effect it's having on me because I feel like I'm losing my will to live everyday. And I just can't stop and for some reason I don't want to. I don't understand but I don't want to go to heaven. I don't want to be happy, I don't know why and it crushes me like I can't breathe. I'm also sorry to Dad and the boys (brothers), and one day I'll apologize properly in person, I hope. I'm so sorry for being the person that I was. I'm so sorry. And I lied about finding that pendant (a necklace with a demonic sigil on it) on the ground. I bought it. Mammon is my demon of choice and I'm probably going to sell my soul. I don't know why I don't want to be by my Creator's and Father's and family's side. I don't know why I've forsaken him or why I hate him so much but I do. I hate God. I hate good. I like suffering and I'm full of hatred and anger. I want to see the world burn. The worst thing is whenever I hear a Bible verse or talk to a Christian about Him I feel something stirring inside me and I hate it. I hate Him so much. I despise Him and what He stands for. And I hate myself for not being strong enough to overcome this. I'm a terrible person and I know that. I will continue to be a terrible person. My only regret in this life is that it affected my family. Because through it all, I still love my family. I don't want to. And I don't know why I don't want to, either. So I'm going to apologize again for the only thing I've ever been truly sorry for. Truly guilty for. Hurting you and affecting your lives. I'm sorry for nothing else. I don't know if I'm capable of any more guilt than that. I need you to know and understand so I'm trying to finally be honest with you. I'm just sorry I couldn't be honest with you through Christ. I love you. And Dad. And the boys. I'm so glad that you found your happiness. I'm so glad you'll be by His side because you deserve to be happy. You deserve His love, care, and healing. I hate this rift between us but it will continue to be there and I'll never breach it. I'm not asking for forgiveness, I'm asking for understanding, or at least an attempt to understand. I won't stand by your side in Christ. Ever. I will always be evil and without guilt for anything other than what I've stated here. Things will get much worse for me I know. And it'll keep getting worse until I suffer for an eternity in hell. This is my fate that I've decided for an unknown reason, even to me. I'm caught in Satan's lies and I'm not going to leave. And I thank you for all those years of you keeping me safe and trying to bring me closer to Christ. Thank you for caring enough to do that. Thank you for loving me even though we stand on opposite sides of this spiritual war. Thank you for being good parents. And protecting me. I will always owe you. I'm sorry that I can never repay you for your love, time, forgiveness, and caring. I am not capable. I never will be. I will not see you in Heaven like you hope and pray. I will not allow myself to be saved by Him. I. Never. Will. Thank you for raising me to the best of your ability, you did your best and a great job. But who I am and who I want to be has prevented me from receiving Christ even though that's what you want. And I'm not brave enough or strong enough to say this in person. I'm sorry it has to be through something like text. But I selfishly need you to understand so I'm saying all of this now. Thank you for parenting somebody like me. These words come from the bottom of my wicked heart, but the meaningfulness is true. Please, I ask for once with all of my being, for you to believe these words. I have lied to you endlessly but this is the most truthfulness I've ever shown in my wretched life. I don't deserve for you to believe me. There is no trust between us but I still ask selfishly for you to believe these words, I don't know if I'll ever be this honest with you again. I'm sorry for breaking our relationship, and that we will never have a true, honest one. You have not failed as parents, I have failed as a child and have treated you badly. My only consolation is that the most powerful, loving, understanding being out there is by your side, and heals your heart of the scars I have marked. I hate Him but I'm so glad He can be there for you to undo the evil that I've inflicted on you all. I'm glad that I'm no longer in your house, affecting your mood and energy with my wickedness. I don't have proof for you that these words are true, but I'm selfishly going to ask God for this one thing, for Him to show you this is the truth, my truth. I plan on doing witchcraft, and I'll make people suffer. I like it. And I hate myself for that. But I'm glad you no longer have to suffer from my demons. And I was never glad when you suffered, please know that. I very well could be the next Hitler, or somebody just as evil, my hatred and anger overtakes me and I will cause suffering. I plan on it. Because my wicked heart likes it. I like hurting people and will continue to do so. I have given my life over to Satan officially, the very first night out of your house. I have pledged myself to him and will do his bidding. I will cause pain, and enjoy it. This is who I am. I'm evil. I will try to turn people to Satan's side all my life. I plan to do great evil and you will have to see it. You will know the person behind it. It might scar you, but I'm glad your God will keep you safe and heal the damage. I sometimes wish I could stop, for all of you. But I won't. I'm too selfish for that. Nothing will stop me except God Himself. And I'll fight Him until I die and am damned, only then will I feel the weight of the evil I've done in life, only then will I feel the guilt I should for everything. Only then will I realize that I have picked the wrong side, only then, when it's too late, will I want God and what he has to offer. Only then will I truly feel regret and sorrow for my sins. And I somehow look forward to it. I don't understand this about myself either. Only then will I understand the weight of the things I've done, then it will all be over. I'll be eternally damned for my sins, finally, at the end of my bad life, which I have caused, I will want Him. And it will be too late. I will grieve and regret, feeling all that I should've felt in this life, in the moment I stand before Him to be judged. I'm so glad you'll never have to face this fate. You might grieve watching your son do evil purposefully. But He is by your side so it will be okay. I thank you especially so much for showing me the truth of God, so that at least I make my decision knowing the consequences. You will live an eternal, happy life next to Him. And I will be beside my chosen one, Satan, until I'm eternally damned for my sins. This is how it will be, due to me, and my choices. It's all my fault and one day I'll bear the weight as deserved. I will finally grieve and collapse under the weight of my wrongdoings. I will get what I deserve, you will get what you deserve, as prophesied in the Bible. The end of the world is upon us and I will fight for the losing side. I WILL cause suffering, and enjoy it. This is who I am, have been, who I will be. I will enjoy being wicked. I always have. And I'm proud of it. If I live long enough, I hope to watch the world burn with wickedness, and I'll be a part of it, stoking the flames, doing my best to help it burn brighter. If things go the way I want, deep down, people will write books about the evil I have done. And I'll like it. I will be proud of it. I also want to let you know of my demons, I have two that I know of, or at least have been told of. One is just using me as a host. I don't know the name. The other is a lust demon named Jain. She/he wishes to teach me some magic. As far as for what I'm going to do, I'll be as transparent as I dare, I'm not sure if you want to know, but I feel like I owe it to you for one reason or another. I will sell my soul to Mammon for power when I figure out how to do it. I'm going to start reading the book of Belial, as recommended by someone. I'll read the satanic bible. I'll learn spells and take revenge on people who have done things to me. Also, the people upstairs have been hearing things and doors have been opening on their own up there, so it looks like my presence affects everyone. I sometimes wonder if this is why I have a hard time making friends? Does my energy seep into everyone around me and repel them away? My wickedness has isolated me, yet I still dive deeper… I don't think I'll ever understand why I do this to myself and everybody. I don't understand a lot of things about myself. Why don't I want to be happy? I'm human, shouldn't that be what I want? Also, why am I not strong enough to fight this? Why do I enjoy people in pain? Do I enjoy being in pain, and suffering, am I just addicted? And why would I be? Why do I not WANT eternal happiness? Why don't I stand by my family? Are there explanations that a human can understand? Is it my evil, or my mental illness, both, or something else? Why don't I want to change even though I know the consequences? Power is the answer to that, I suppose. What made me like this, other than my own choices, if anything? Why is it ME that's like this, how are these things chosen, why am I like this specifically? What must I do to find answers, other than turn to God, if there is another way? Am I mentally ill, or is it my demons and wickedness that affects me like this? Why can't I feel things? What are my memories hidden from me and how do I get them back? Can I, will I, ever understand myself or will I forever follow evil blindly?

Some of this may seem repetitive, or even unnecessary. But every word of it was ripped from his heart and his mouth as he wrote it. This was the beginning of his questions. Also, the beginning of his finding out how much of this ISN'T true. He'd never written this kind of thing before, and it wrenched his heart, but suddenly so many questions he had always held deep inside came tumbling out. (Note, you do not have to read all of these questions, but things might make more sense in the future if you do.)