Hamish considered himself to be in excellent shape, but he still felt like he was dying by the time he made his way up the final steps towards the top of The Spire. When he saw Duran through the glass wall, already out on the balcony lookout, he was tempted to turn around and head straight back down. He’d been meaning to talk to him at some point, but he hadn’t had a chance to get his thoughts together yet.

Fuck it, though. He’d come all the way up here. He headed outside.

Duran looked up as Hamish approached, studied him for a moment, and then returned to staring out at the view. It really was breathtaking from every direction, the ocean sparkling in the morning sunlight on one side and trees that seemed to stretch just as endlessly on the other.

“Did Yore let you in as well?” Hamish asked. “He didn’t tell me you were up here.”

Duran shook his head. “I lied to the guards. I told them I was the glass inspector. They let me in.”

A smile quirked Hamish’s lips. “You scare me a little, you know. You’re way too good at lying.”

“It wasn’t hard. They’re very stupid. I think they’re mostly for show.”

“Did you walk all the way up here on your own?”

“Yes.” Duran flicked a glance in Hamish’s direction. “If there's an alternative, I really wish I’d known before I did it.”

Hamish shook his head. “It’s just a hell of a climb, that’s all. I’m impressed.”

“It took me a couple of hours.”

It had taken Hamish less than half an hour, but in a way it was more impressive for someone who wasn’t as physically fit as he was to just keep pushing until they made it.

Last time Hamish had interacted with him, Duran had been flirting with everything he had. Now he just seemed… well, Hamish wasn’t sure, but not happy and certainly not flirty.

“Do you know why I joined the military?” Hamish asked. “The human military, I mean, back when I was a teenager.”

“Hadn’t thought about it.”

“Hot men and adventure, and it delivered on both of those things. Clearly we all see now that maybe it wasn’t the most shining of institutions, but for young me, it was pretty great.”

Duran nodded, his gaze fixed out over the ocean as the wind and the sunlight played with his hair and made it sparkle. He was so fucking effortlessly beautiful.

“Simon was the first man I had sex with. Or, well. We were both teenagers at the time. Not even really men. But we were young and horny and both attracted to men, so that’s what we did. I thought it was a bit of fun. He thought we were in love. Obviously, he ended up getting hurt.”

Duran leant his elbow on the railing, rested his chin in his palm, and looked at Hamish. “I promise I am not in love with you.”

“Well, no, I don’t think you are, but you’ve been through a lot and sex was involved in bad ways, and that doesn’t just go away. It doesn’t just stop mattering because it’s inconvenient to have feelings about it, right?”

Duran shrugged and looked away again.

“You deserve someone who can take that seriously. Someone who doesn’t just have sex for fun. Someone who can help you work through whatever you need to work through in whatever way you need to do that. Not some idiot who goes wherever his dick leads him.”

“Well, I’m glad you’re the expert on what I need. Thank you for informing me.”

“Duran, come on…”

Duran shot him a withering glare. “You don’t have to have sex with me, Hamish. I’m not trying to guilt you into it, because that would be fucked up. Everyone thinks they know so much about me. What’s good for me, what’s bad for me, what I need. They don’t. They don’t know anything.”

“Okay,” Hamish said.

“I made things work with my master, you know. Before everything went wrong, anyway. That’s what nobody will ever understand. That I had sex with him and I enjoyed it. I don’t think slavery is right, I don’t think he’s a good person, but I might never stop thinking about those early days with him when I touch myself and I’m not ashamed of it.”

“I thought Companions weren’t supposed to masturbate?”

Duran let out a huff of laughter. “If you’re alone in a room and you can make all the evidence disappear immediately, who would ever know? Fanner and Danya hid secret magic. Trust me, I managed to hide my masturbation just fine.”

“What do you want?” Hamish asked. “I mean, like. Generally. Not necessarily specifically from me.”

“Maybe just the same thing as you did. Hot men and adventure. Sounds like a good combination.”

“Adventure?”

“Kit showed us some of their memories. Some of the places they travelled. Frozen mountains, endless fields of flowers, turtles so big you could ride on their backs. I thought maybe I’d be able to see some of those things if I came up here, but it’s just trees and ocean.”

“Still pretty, though.”

“Yeah.”

“You want to travel, then? See some more things?”

“I wanted to find Cookie and ask Kit to take me with them when they leave, but I know I can’t. I need someone to keep me balanced, so I can’t do anything on my own. Can’t even be too aloof and sulk about it on my own for too long because I’ll start to get out of balance after a few days.”

Hamish shuffled along the railing until their elbows were almost touching. “Does this help?”

“It’ll buy me some more sulking time.”

“You have options, don’t you? There are a lot of mages, and any one of them could keep you balanced.”

“Feels kind of insensitive to ask if anyone wants to go off on an adventure with me when they’re all busy talking about rebuilding their homes, you know?”

“It’s not the best time for it, I guess.”

“Yup,” Duran said. “But I’ve seen enough of the inside of Cookie’s head to know that she’s not coming back any time soon after she leaves.”

“Ah.”

“It is what it is. I know other people are going through way worse right now. I didn’t come all the way up here because I’m looking for sympathy.”

Hamish wrapped an arm around Duran’s shoulders. “Well, maybe sympathy found you anyway, huh?”

The walk down from the top of The Spire was just as long as the walk up, if somewhat less painful. It was also slower, because Hamish was walking with Duran and Duran was in no hurry.

Hamish had never been attracted to Danya, Cailan, or Fanner, but he was attracted to Lucas. He hadn’t been attracted to Duran when he’d been all flirty and desperate, but he was becoming hotter with every unimpressed glance he flicked in Hamish’s direction. The attitude shift changed his appearance from overly pretty to something that was almost regal. Hamish wanted to shove him into an alcove and choke on his dick.

But he didn’t because the walls were made of glass and also maybe because he still wasn’t sure no drama would come from that decision. He really did hate hurting people. He made a lot of jokes and didn’t like to take anything too seriously, but Simon had been heartbroken back when they were teenagers and he’d found out that Hamish wasn’t his boyfriend. It was such a deep, personal way to hurt someone.

Apparently, anyway. Hamish loved the act of sex, the physical intimacy and the pleasure it brought him, the power it gave him over another person’s body and theirs over his, but he didn’t see why that should mean that he was bound to the person he had it with in some way. He saw no reason to limit that experience to just a single other person. Maybe someday he’d find love and finally understand it all, but he didn’t think so. Honestly, he hoped not. He liked things just fine how they were.

“Well, thank you for the free energy,” Duran said once they’d finally reached the base of The Spire. “I’m going to invest it in some more sulking time.”

“I won’t judge you if you want to come and complain at me about things, you know,” Hamish said. “I know I made this whole thing about not wanting to have sex with you because of potential drama, but it’s not because I don’t care about other people’s feelings. I’ll still listen if you need someone to talk to.”

“Hmm,” Duran said. “Tempting, but I think I’m just going to go and cry into the ocean or something.”

“Well, whatever makes you happy, but the offer stands.”

“Mm, well, let me know when you have a better one,” Duran said before walking past Hamish out the front of The Spire.

What a sexy little asshole.