I am an automaton

Well, not really.

I don’t feel the same emotions other people do. Sure, I feel happy or sad or angry or melancholy or any other multitude of things. I feel the pain of a lie or the tenderness of a warm embrace. I feel the sweet freedom that comes with the first blossoms of spring and the dull ache of months of snow.

But.

I’ve never felt the rush of blush to my face when I think of someone. I’ve never seen someone who takes my breath away or that I can hardly restrain myself from kissing or who makes me tingle all the way to my toes.

I’ve had “crushes,” you might say. I’ve had “crushes” ever since I was in elementary school. However, as I said, they’re a little different. I chose who to have a crush on. I find a potential mate (meep morp), assess their strengths and weaknesses as a partner through careful observation (boooop boooop), then decide if they’re a potentially compatible mate (ding!). Usually, these crushes last three or four weeks before I’ve moved on.

Most of everything I’ve learned about love comes from books. I read everything, from Stephen King to tales of tragedy on Everest, from Thoreau to David Leviathan. I’m a sucker for a good book. Despite my eagerness to admit that I’m an intellectual, well-read girl, most of what I read is sappy Young Adult fiction. YA fiction to me is what a bag of chips is to most people. After I read a fluffy, cliche romance in a single sitting, I look at myself and wonder what in the world I just did.

Perhaps these sorts of books have given me an unrealistic idea of what love is. Maybe I expect love to be someone who makes me blush whenever they look my way. That would be nice. Mostly, I think romantic fiction gives me an excuse to feel what other girls feel.

It isn’t all bad, though. This process ensures that I’ll never suffer a broken heart. Granted, I haven’t actually been active on the dating scene. I’ve asked out a few people here and there, but it’s never led to anything. I’ve been rejected more times than I can count, but that doesn’t bother me. My emotions aren’t actually tied to anyone, so rejection doesn’t sting.

Being an automaton has taught me to be independent. I don’t need other people to validate me because their emotions are so trivial. Since I am more of a careful observer of teenage emotion than an actual participant, I’ve learned to be an empath. I’m the one you go to when your boyfriend’s a jerk or your girlfriend won’t talk to you.

The best part of being an automaton? That’s easy. Simon.

The worst part of being an automaton? That’s easy, too. Simon.

Simon has been my best friend since seventh grade when I decided that he was going to be my newest romantic conquest. To this day, I’m not entirely sure why I chose Simon. It’s not like we have that much in common. He’s a Mormon boy completely dedicated to his religion, I’m a hippy dippy flower child who believes we’re all on our own paths to eternal happiness. He’s the fastest cross country runner in all of Sandy, I’m barely able to run a 5k without spewing.

The only thing we have in common is our mutual love of reading. In middle school, we were the only two actively competing for a schoolwide book reading contest. I won the first year, then I let him win the second year.

Despite all of our differences, he was my choice. It’s undeniable that we have something magical. In middle school, everyone was confident that Simon and I would become the nerdiest power couple to ever roam Sandy Middle School. Unfortunately, it was not to be. After what seemed like the millionth time of someone telling us that we should be together, I remember how Simon turned to me and said “Ariel, you know we’re not, like, secret lovers, right?” then returned to eating his overripe banana.

In that moment, I fell out of love with him. It’s just what automatons do. When having a crush on someone becomes inconvenient, you just stop. You let the feelings blow away with the wind. Loves him, loves him not, it’s that simple. Fortunately, Simon and I have since stayed best friends. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for him.

Then something awful happened. I fell back in love with him. I think.

I’ve tried to move on, I really have. I fell for Ellen, then Shawna, then James, then Kyle, Ally, Johanna, Rory… but they never stick. I always go running back to Simon.

This is the story of an automaton gone rogue.

This is my story.