To think, only a couple of months ago, everything was so different. So much feels like it’s happened sense then. It’s almost like it was an entirely different lifetime. But I guess that’s what happens when seasons change. When your life shifts from one place to another. New people come, new normals settle in, new events and growth is had. Just constent new before all of it shifts into old and things then change once more. This is my new, so how will it play out?

I thought it was going to be stability, but now I’m unsure. Everything seemed fine. Controlled, but now, not so much. Paranoia, nightmares, even seeing her, it was all okay. Handled. With him in my life, things seemed like they were getting better. Like they had a reason not to slip into the insanity I would have so willingly given into before. But maybe I’m deluding myself.

‘What are you going to do?’

I don’t know…

Things are fine. I’m getting better, it was just a minor setback.

What happened yesterday? There’s no way that counts as minor.

I’m still unsure how to process it, or even pin exactly what it was.

‘Maybe there’s more to it than you’re letting yourself believe.’

No…

Maybe. Even still, things were getting better.

I hadn’t had a depressive episode in weeks before yesterday. My paranoia was almost non-existent, and even nightmares weren’t that savvier before… They were something I could handle. Can handle. In an odd way, it’s like the worse I’m getting, the better as well. The more I have to be grateful for, the more I have to threaten it. The more I’m able to feel, the more darkness is able to suffocate me.

So what changed? What shifted everything? Was it a fluke, or a calm before the storm?

‘It’s the medication you were on.’

Is that the case?

‘It’s the only thing that’s changed.’

Not true. Both Kalston and Matt came into my life at the same time I stopped taking it. Bailey too has been more absent.

‘What makes more sense? You’re smart, you know the real reason.’

Is that the same reason I’ve been seeing her? The same reason I had the trance yesterday?

‘Keep going.’

But…

I was on Madkhiq for my ADHD…

Right? It helped things be more settled.

‘Are you so sure about that?’

It did…

‘Then why were you so willing to drop it?’

Because I don’t like to be on medication. I don’t like things having control over my life. I wanted to find a way to live without it.

‘Okay, but maybe you also felt something was missing. Things taken from you.’

That doesn’t make sense.

‘Did it settle your thoughts, or block them?’

Unsure what to think, all I know is that I need to be more careful. I’m either crazy or being lied to. I’ve been on Madkhiq for as long as I can remember. And yet, ironically, it could be what’s been blocking my memories, but then, how? Maybe it makes sense that before a certain point, I would have memories blocked, but how does it make sense that I would have some blocked periodically at other points in my life? Having everything before my adoption blocked, but the memory yesterday, how would I not notice that being taken? How would it be taken in the first place?

I try to think about freshman year, but it’s hard to make out any clear memory. It’s mostly a fog. Like at the ice cream shop, it’s like I have a faint recollection that the memories are there, but not able to make a clear picture of any of them. That is until I decide to instead focus on one thing. One person. Jackson. He was in the memory before, so maybe he’ll be the trigger to help me grasp onto a memory.

‘Don't do it. This isn’t a good idea.’

‘It’s fine. Just breathe.’

‘How do you know this isn’t you doing witchcraft? How do you know this is okay?’

…

The moment I start to think about Jackson’s face, the way it was when I saw him in the vision, things shake for a moment, but guilt floods me, and I stop.

‘You can’t do that. You can’t be so willing to play with things you aren’t sure of.’

But how do I know it’s not okay?

‘Better safe than sorry, right?’

I’m frustrated and not sure what to think. I want to do it, but I also can’t get over the fear that maybe it’s not something I’m supposed to do. That if I do this, it will be me faulting back into ignorance of something wrong.

Okay… if it’s something that’s meant to happen, it will.

‘And if it does?’

I’m not forcing anything. If it’s something the Lord wants to happen, it will on His terms.

Lord, I’m not sure right now. I’m not sure which is your direction, so please direct me. You know my heart, and my scars, so please make it clear which to do. I’m not doing this, so if these are my memories, I leave it up to you to deal them out. To keep me safe, and to help me not fall again. I trust you only. Amen.

It’s finally what I leave it up to. I’m not a fool, I know the desire is there. The excitement of what this could be, but the fear is stronger. Even more so of the fact that I might actually be being lied to. If that is the case, being a fool right now is what will keep me safe.

I can’t let anyone know that things are different.

‘And how do you know you haven’t already screwed up?’

I don’t. I’ll just have to trust that I haven’t. I’ll have to go back to acting normal and pray everything will be fine. Fool myself even into believing nothing is wrong to bide my time until things are revealed. It might be the only thing that’s going to keep me safe.

It might sound crazy, but now I’m wondering if everything in my life is a lie. If my memories are being blocked, it has to be purposely. There’s no way my family didn’t notice major parts of my life being forgotten. So, I guess that means I need to play naive again and watch how others play things out. They’ll slip up. People always do when they think they can trust someone. I sure have.