Shauna shoulders her rifle once again and begins walking forward with an unmatched confidence. “Alright, bitches, let’s go. I want to be back for dinner; they have chocolate cake tonight and I’ll kick all of your asses if I miss that.” No one can think of a response to that. We all simply look to each other, shrug, and move on behind her. The canyon’s walls span up far above us, hundreds of feet into the air. The light of the planets dual suns peek through the crack at the top to light our path. The canyon is quite wide, 50 meters I’d guess. Shauna is leading the pack, rifle relaxed in front of her. Captain Taggart follows closely behind peering around each individual rock to look for any signs of danger or life. Brenda is still staring at her little screen reading all the data it picked up. I really want to watch her trip over one of these rocks or cracks but my sensibilities keep making me pull her to the side before she does. In the rear, the two security officers are anxiously pointing their rifles to our rear, walking backwards and occasionally stumbling on the aforementioned stones.

Things go on like this for an hour or so, the silence only broken by the occasional small talk or directions from Brenda. The alluring beauty of the desert really starts to wear off when you stare at the same oddly colored rocks for this long. “We almost there yet? My feet are killing me.” I look to Brenda, I can’t hide the exhaust and desperation on my face.

“It’s a few more miles,” she doesn’t glance away from the screen but her voice all but ensures she knew which face I was making. I throw my head back and let out a long sigh before hanging my head. It’s been building up for while now and I’m just gonna have to accept it and face the consequences…

“Guys, I really gotta pee.” The group stops immediately and turns to me, with the exception of Brenda who continued to walk unperturbed until Shauna stopped her.

For the first time in an hour, she looked up from her doohickey and looks around confused. “What? Why are we stopping?”

Shauna gestures to me with the butt of her rifle, “Clark’s gotta take a piss.” Brenda gives me a disappointed yet unsurprised look.

“I’m sorry my body has functions! Can you all just wait here for five minutes? I’ll be right back.” As I turn to go back, the Captain’s booming voice stops me.

“Hold on, Clark.” Taking a deep breath, I turn back to the Captain. “You shouldn’t be going anywhere alone on an alien planet. It’s rule 17 in the planetary exploration section of the Corps Guide. Shauna and Private Wyatt, accompany First Officer Henley. A five minute walks back, there is an exceptionally large rock that he can relieve himself behind.”

“Rock, this isn’t necessary. I can go pee by myse-”

“Respectfully, Sir,” I’m getting real tired of Wyatt, “I’d prefer to stay by your side. I’d feel more comfortable that way.”

“Oh, God.” Brenda, what are you about to say? I leer at her from the corners of my eyes. “Shauna, let’s go. It’s nothing I haven’t seen before.“

My face explodes into worry as I begin desperately looking for an escape. “Whoah! I’d rather take Wyatt.” Brenda rolls her eyes and sighs before grabbing and pulling my arm with her weird gorilla strength. Shauna follows us, shaking her head. After a few steps, I yank away and stand up straight. “I can walk by myself.” Turning back, Captain Taggart, Wyatt, and the other Private have all started continuing on in our previous direction. Figuring the whole situation is awkward enough, I attempt to fill the time with some small talk. “So our uniforms are basically unitards, right? Now, for the guys, there’s a zipper on the front for us to pee. But, for you all, you gotta like take the whole outfit off to even pee! That really sucks.”

Shauna catches up beside me. “Actually, no. You all have a zipper but the women’s uniform actually has a really well hidden flap that we can undo. Lets us do all our business.”

I stop dead in my tracks. “Wait…” They both stop a few steps ahead and look back to me. “You mean… ALL of your business? Like, you can poop without taking off the whole uniform?”

“Well, yeah.” Shauna gives me a look of ‘no shit.’ Brenda simply nods her head in agreement. “What, you can’t?”

“No! This is unfair! This is sexist! I would like to poop without having to remove all my clothes.” We began walking again as I continue my rant on the ethics of allowing the men to take a dump without having to take off the whole uniform. Shauna and Brenda clearly don’t understand the injustice of the situation.

Before too long, we reach the large boulder. Shauna pats my back and gives me a gentle push towards the rock. “Alright, Clark. Go on, get your business done. We gotta finish this mission cause momma needs some cake.”

Back behind the rock, I can’t see either of the ladies. As I unzip, I realize how weird the situation is. “Uh, can you two talk about something? Like, make some noise to cover it up. I feel kinda weird back here.”

Shauna immediately responds, as if waiting for this chance. “Alright, so Brenda, how big is he anyhow?” My eyes grow wider than Jupiter’s Big Red Spot.

“Whoah! What the fu-”

Even worse than the question is that Brenda responded… “It’s about this big.” I need to finish peeing fast!

“OK.” OK?! Shauna what kind of OK is that? Was that a good OK? Or was that a bad OK? Shit! This is bad. “How was he in bed?” This needs to end now!

“Oh, you know, he was-”

“Alright! I’m finished! We can go back to the group now! This conversation can end now.” Jogging out from behind the rock, I finish zipping up and join the two women who betrayed my vulnerability. “Also, how big did she say?” I leer at Shauna, desperate for a response.

“Don’t worry about it, Clark.” She slaps me on the shoulder, once again, and walks on with a devious smirk.

“Shauna that’s not funny! Shauna, how big did she say?!” I turn my attention to Brenda, squint my eyes, and muster up the most suspiciously angry voice I can, “How big did you say?”

“Like Shauna said, don’t worry about it Clark.” She gives me a similar smile to Shauna’s and walks off ahead of me to catch up with Shauna.

“Hey! This isn’t funny you two! Seriously, how big did you say, Brenda?” It’s clear neither is going to answer me. Thus, we spent the next five minutes in silence, broken by the occasional snicker from Shauna. Every few steps, I shoot an angry glare at the two of them for their blatant acts of disobedience towards their First Officer. This has to be counted as mutiny somewhere, right?

It’s not long before we can see the rest of our away team further down the canyon. Though, from this distance, they’re little more than three black dots amidst the towering rock. They must be walking pretty slowly though, their shapes are growing fast. It’s probably so that we can catch up to them… Alright, Last time I checked the Captain wasn’t that tall. His shadow is massive! Maybe it’s a trick on the eyes, like a mirage, we are in the desert after all.

That’s definitely not the Captain.

As we begin to approach, it becomes abundantly clear that whatever those things are, they’re not our group. Three large, four legged beasts are standing a fair distance away. They’re skin is a disgusting, rippling black mass of muscle that glistens in the light with some sort of mucus covering. A loud, moist crunching echoes against the stone. They have no lips, just jagged teeth, that I can only assume are as long as my torso, covered in red.  They’re all hunched over, crunching on, what we can only assume is, our Captain and security officers. Then, after getting our captain killed, providing little private space for me to pee, and being too sandy, the planet decides to betray us one last time. The breeze, that’s felt ever so pleasant until now, picks up one last time and slips past us.

Almost instantly, the creatures picked up on our scent and looked up from their meal. Each sets their eight beady eyes upon us. “Shauna, Brenda… If we don’t run right now, we’re gonna be the chocolate cake.” Without missing a beat, the three of us start sprinting off towards the entrance to the canyon - the beasts not far behind. As we begin our mad dash, Shauna begins taking pot shots at the three monsters behind us.

Bringing my arm up, I quickly pull up the communicator and begin hailing the ship. “First Officer Henley to Watanabe, come in! For the love of God, come in!” Turning my head back, two of the beasts leap up and begin running along the canyon walls opposite each other, their claws digging into and tossing bits of stone behind them. It’s a good thing I peed already.

“Watanabe to First Officer, come in. What’s wrong?”

“Oh thank Christ! You gotta beam me up now!”

Shauna’s voice quickly rings through the canyon as she screams, “Clark, what the fuck?! You’re not the only one here!”

“Shit! Sorry! Two to beam-”

“Clark!” Fuck, I hoped Brenda wouldn’t notice. Then again, replacing a head Science Officer and our Captain will be even harder than just the one.

“Fine! Three to beam up! Quickly! The Captain is dead just hurry up!”

My wrist responds in a panic, “Shit, the Captain is dead?! It’s gonna take a few seconds for us to lock on to you though, since you’re on the move.”

“Whatever! Just hurry up!” Reaching to my side, I grab the pistol the Captain told me to bring and begin firing back at our pursuers. Even while sprinting and firing behind her, Shauna is still able to get a few good hits on the bastards. As for me… Let’s just say that combat training wasn’t my strong point in the Academy. Wait! Combat wasn’t, but strategy was! “Shauna! Start shooting in front of the ones on the walls! If we can chip the rocks just right we can, hopefully, knock ‘em down! The rock looks weaker on the right, aim there first.”

“Yes, Sir!” As we both begin unloading into the canyon side, chips of the rock begin falling to the ground. Slowed by our firing, Brenda starts to get ahead of us. Good, she’s got all the equipment so seeing her break out in front the group despite the weight is reassuring. She’s got the equipment… “Brenda! Pull out that device you were using earlier!”

“I never put it away,” sure enough, the device is swinging with her arm, “why?!”

“It has a function that adds power to the strength it’s thrust with, right? If you threw it into the rock we’re shooting, your strength plus the pneumatic whatever-the-fuck should crack the rock, right?”

“Clark, that’s brilliant! The readings were actually showing that the pink rock is actually much softer and prone to crack. Aim for that and I’ll throw just before that thing gets there. It might even cause part of the wall to collapse!” Shauna and I comply and begin shooting at the spot of pink closest to the front of our enemy. With a loud grunt, Brenda tosses the makeshift javelin towards the spot we’d been weakening. Sure enough, the pink stone begins to crack and shatter under the sudden, piercing force. As the beast’s claws attempt to dig into the destroyed stone: the wall gives way as it attempts to stride forward. As it slips and begins to crash back down to the ground, so does the wall. Large chunks of stone come roaring down. Sand, dust, and rock are kicked up into the air as we hear the wailing of two of the creatures. It seems like we only have the one left on the left wall.

“First Officer, this is the Watanabe! We have a lock on you and are ready to beam you up.” My wrist broadcasts our saving grace.

“Yes! Do it! Enegrize! Engage! Whatever! Just get us out of here!” No time to close my eyes. I see my own body, piece by piece, stretch out and into the sky before disappearing completely.

“Jesus!” I collapse in half and begin breathing heavily, finally safe back in the teleporter room. “Good… Throw… Brenda…” I can barely gasp out my words between deep sighs. We all take our time to calm down before trying to speak again. “Good work out there, you two. Let’s get back to the bridge and tell the Corps what happened.”

The engineer, in charge of teleporting us, stops us before we leave. “Sir, uh, First Officer, where’s the Captain?” The boy looks distraught. It’s only hitting me now that the Captain is dead. The epitome of the Corps’ values, the shining leader of our ship, the… dead man. It’s my job to let everyone know! Oh man, they’re all gonna hate me. I’m telling them that their hero is dead.

Looking down to the Private, I finally croak out: “The Captain is gone.”

“Oh… Oh no… He’s really gone?” I can only close my eyes and nod in solidarity. “Wait… That makes you the acting captain then, right?”

“Wait, what?!” My eyes shoot back open as it now dawns on me that I’m in charge of the ship. “Fuck! Oh no…” No no no, I don’t want to be in charge!

Shauna punches me in the shoulder, “Good luck… Captain Henley. Try not to get us all killed.” That doesn’t help calm me down!

Brenda walks past and turns, speaking while walking backwards away, “If it means anything, I believe you can do it!” No. It doesn’t help, Brenda.