Jakub held still, a feeling of confusion washing over him—and then shame with the realization that it shouldn't have been such a confusing notion at all. Yet in all his pining he had never legitimately considered happiness. For as many times as he'd imagined himself tucked under Cheshire's arm, warmed and welcomed, or even pressed beneath the wide span of his body, he couldn't picture any real life beyond that. There was no world where Cheshire knew and accepted how he felt, no future where he confessed and blushed and was sweet for the eccentric, foolhardy man he admired. He had no idea what that would be like. The thought of it terrified him.

Maybe a necktie in his drawer was as close as he'd ever get. Maybe Miklos' shiny imitation weaving between his fingers was all he could hope for. And that thought terrified him, too.

Jakub twisted, wrapping his arms around Miklos and hugging him close. Again he was reminded of the surge of ocean waves beneath him, and he allowed himself one of those rare remembrances: of the long journey he and his young friend had taken as orphaned children, trekking determinedly across European battlegrounds with hopes of escape and maybe even peace. He remembered living as a scavenger, desperate to tend to his charge whose language he could only roughly understand. And after weeks of fighting for every day they found their way aboard a ship, clutching each other down in the holds, no earthly idea of where they might end up. He hadn't really expected or hoped for happiness then, either.

Miklos welcomed him, soothing him with quiet murmurs and gentle hands, the likes of which he would have never thought to seek. Miklos really knew him—Miklos wanted him to be happy. Jakub burrowed into him and he wanted to be happy. But when he turned his nose against feather-light hair, all he could do was wonder if Cheshire's was just as soft. He wound his fingers around Miklos' necktie and thought of Cheshire's glove-bound palms skating over his skin.

And when he drew Miklos into a kiss, he wished it was Cheshire's mouth on his, warm and soft and eagerly receptive.

"I'm sorry," Jakub stumbled out, ashamed and heartsick as he tried to untangle himself. "I didn't mean to—"

But Miklos drew him back in, into another kiss, deeper than the last. "It's okay," he whispered. "I don't mind."

He began unbuttoning Jakub's shirt; Jakub didn't try to retreat again, letting Miklos urge him onto his back. Maybe if I can just get it out of my system, he thought, trying to convince himself, while Miklos undid his pants. It's been such a long time since I was with someone...maybe I just need to fuck, and get it over with, and stop thinking about him.

He'd had so much to drink, he doubted if he'd even be able to carry out such a plan, but all that changed when he looked down to a head of familiar-looking hair dipping below his waist. Soft, wide lips parted over his cock and it was frighteningly easy to pretend. All he had to do was sink his hands into soft honey-gold and arousal thundered through him. Cheshire would have been just as attentive, he thought, not trying to muffle the groans that rippled out of him with every firm stroke, just as aggressive. It didn't take long before he was writhing against the mattress in want of release.

Jakub grabbed Miklos by his collar and pulled. It wasn't enough to lie back and accept, not for him. He dragged Miklos back up his body and into a kiss, shivering at the breathless chuckle that emptied against his hungry mouth. With hasty hands he unfastened Miklos' pants and slipped inside them, groping him hard.

"Easy, Jake," Miklos laughed, but Jakub didn't want easy. He pushed Miklos onto his stomach and pressed up tightly against him, moaning at the friction of his cock against the small of Miklos' back. With face buried in Miklos' soft hair he pumped with his fist and rocked with his hips, eager for skin on skin. Miklos whimpered and squirmed with delight—he never would have imagined Cheshire quivering beneath him in such hungry submission, but the thought that he might drove Jakub half mad. He wanted it so badly he could have split apart at his seams, and he whispered Cheshire's name into the back of Miklos' neck until he came with a shudder.

Miklos turned himself around for another kiss. His lips were soft and sweet and Jakub kissed them to bruising as he stroked him to his own blissful climax. But as they wound down, breath on each other's face, the illusion began to wear off and Jakub felt drained again.

"I'm sorry," he murmured, hiding his face in the crook of Miklos' neck. "I shouldn't have—"

"Shh, it's okay," Miklos assured him again. He hugged Jakub tight. "I'm sorry. I didn't know you were so.... I shouldn't be taking advantage of you."

"It's not that." Jakub took in a deep breath and held it for a moment before letting it out. "Thank you. I think I just needed to...."

"Fuck something?" Miklos offered, and he chuckled, easing some of Jakub's anxieties. "It's fine, really." He kissed Jakub on the cheek and sat up. "Let's clean up and get some sleep. You'll feel better in the morning."

"Yeah," Jakub agreed. He stretched his shoulders and was relieved to find some of their weight had already dispersed. "Thanks."

***

Late in the morning, Jakub awoke twisted up in Miklos arms. He was hungover and exhausted, but it wasn't so bad, waking up next to someone. He gave Miklos a set of clothes to borrow and they left the building, seeking breakfast in a small diner across the street.

"I really am glad I found you again," said Miklos, not for the first time, as they sat across from each other. "And now that I know how to find you, I'd like to visit again sometime. And you're always welcome in Jersey."

"I'd like that," said Jakub, relieved that Miklos hadn't suggested staying on in Brooklyn. He didn't like the idea of his friend being mixed up in Kozlow business—liked the constant, raw reminder he represented even less. "I'm glad you've done well for yourself."

"Someday I'll have a salon of my own," Miklos promised. "And then I can bring that mop of yours back into style."

The front door of the diner opened with a rattle, and Jakub froze when he looked up and saw Cheshire entering. He was dressed in a fresh shirt and tie but his hair was a helpless tousle, only one of his braids still intact. He spotted Jakub and his face lit up; the bright and eager gleam in his eyes tied Jakub's stomach into knots all over again and nothing had changed.

Miklos noticed as well, and as Cheshire headed their way, he slid out of the booth. "I'll give you a minute," he said, despite Jakub's silent pleading, and he headed for the restroom.

Cheshire watched him go, a smirk quirking his lips as he took his spot in the booth. "Morning, Jakub," he greeted cheerily despite the wince in his brow proving he was just as hungover as any of them. "That was some party, huh?"

Jakub gulped. There was a hint of something extra in Cheshire's exuberance that he sometimes got when trying to keep a secret, and it was making him sweat. "I guess so. But you were gone for a lot of it—where did you go?"

"Oh, yeah." Cheshire blushed and then tried to hide it by pretending to scratch his nose. "I was just being a gentleman. Did I miss much?"

"Just more of the same." Jakub frowned as he tried to remember who else might have disappeared from the party at the same time, without success. He couldn't stop himself from asking, "So who was it?"

"Ah...." Cheshire winced bashfully as he tried to arrange his hair into something more presentable. The flutter of each strand defying his attempts was hypnotizing. "Well, I promised I wouldn't say," he admitted, and Jakub didn't have time to feel any bitterness before he added, "But I already know who you were with."

Jakub stiffened with panic. "I'm sorry," Cheshire rambled on excitedly. "It's not like I was trying to overhear, but the walls in our building aren't so thick, you know? I wish you would have told me!" He laughed, each note in his voice plucking Jakub's strings. "And I sure wish Miklos would have told me what he was up to. If I'd known you were the one he was after all along, I wouldn't have gotten my hopes up."

What the hell was happening? Jakub stared at him, the gears in his mind jamming and grinding helplessly against each other. He couldn't remember if Cheshire's name on his lips had ever reached more than a breath. "I don't know...what you're...."

"You don't have to be embarrassed," Cheshire assured him in a softer, more sincere tone that Jakub could barely remember ever hearing from him before. "I'm just so glad to know, now. Not that it's any of my business, but I always kind of thought maybe you just weren't into...anyone, you know? Which is fine!" He chuckled to himself some more. "So when I heard you two—well, you know—I just about lost my marbles! Couldn't believe it!"

Jakub still couldn't do much more than blankly stare. Maybe he hadn't heard quite everything after all. Cheshire just looked so attractive in his delight, so happy for him, he felt as if his ribs were imploding. Couldn't he at least muster an ounce of jealousy?

"I know you don't like to share much about your personal life," Cheshire continued to prattle, still on the edge of laughter. Jakub internally cringed harder and harder with every word. "But I'm glad, really. Miklos sure is handsome, and what a charmer! Of course, I don't want to assume anything, but I'm really happy for you. If you ever wanna—"

"Don't you ever stop talking?" Jakub blurted out.

All he'd wanted was for him to stop, just for a moment so he could catch his breath and his wits. And Cheshire did stop—stopped so immediately that Jakub could hear his jaws clap shut. His smile faltered and there was a flash of hurt in his eyes that hardened Jakub's stomach to lead. It was only a moment but it was heartbreaking.

"Sorry," Jakub apologized immediately. "I just...I'm not comfortable...."

"It's okay," Cheshire replied, his expression rearranging back into friendly understanding. Jakub couldn't fathom how he was able to construct it so easily, and suddenly he doubted every smile Cheshire had ever cast his way. "I'm sorry—I shouldn't be prying. I'll leave you two alone."

He climbed out of the booth, and Jakub stumbled over his tongue, his heart pounding. "Wait," said Jakub. "You don't have to go. Have breakfast—"

"No, I gotta go anyway. I just wanted to say hello." Cheshire offered another, less convincing smile and turned to leave. "I'll see you later!"

Jakub wilted, ill and distraught, already stewing with bitter regret. He didn't notice Miklos rejoin him at the booth until he asked, "What happened?"

"I can't do this anymore," said Jakub, digging his palms into his eyes. "This is so stupid!"

Miklos waited for him to gather himself and look up before replying. "Is it really that hard?" he asked gently. "Telling him how you feel?"

"Yes it's that hard," Jakub retorted, rubbing his face again. All he wanted, all the time, was for Cheshire to be near him—and then whenever he got his wish, he was an asshole for no reason. Why Cheshire even continued to seek his company, he had no idea, and the thought of trying to explain himself made him want to vomit. He couldn't bear to be that honest and watch Cheshire paint his smile on, or even worse, laugh it off. Say how flattered he was. But no. How could he continue to face Cheshire at all if he said no?

The waitress brought them coffee, and Miklos ordered a simple breakfast for them both. After she had left, he sighed. "Jakub, I'm sorry," he said. "To be honest, I have no idea what you're going through. I don't feel for other people in that way—I honestly don't think I'm capable. But it seems like—"

"It's fine," Jakub interrupted. Even if Miklos meant well, the last thing he really wanted was good advice. "Thank you, Mik, but I need to...stop pretending. I think I should just stop."

Miklos eyed him doubtfully. "Is that really how it works?"

"It has to be." Jakub snatched up his coffee and took a long drink, as if willing it to symbolize his conviction. "We're friends. That's it. That's enough."

"All right," said Miklos, and the sour sympathy he was fixing Jakub with sent him back to his mug. "But if you ever want to talk more about it, I'll listen."

"It's fine," Jakub said again. "I'm fine." He leaned back and took a deep breath. "Thank you."

"Sure."

They ate breakfast together, and afterward Jakub walked Miklos to the station so he could catch a train out of town. Then it was back to the hall, where a second, less extravagant day of wedding celebration was already underway. Barney was quick to wave him over to a table where a group of their usual gang members were sitting down to cards. "Join us," Barney insisted. "Without Bloom we all have better chances."

Jakub's resolution was barely an hour old and already his heart thudded at Cheshire's name. "Why isn't he here?"

"Who cares?" Barney began dealing cards. "Not like we need him braying all day long."

"I'm sure he's fine," said Hannah, intent on her cards. "Don't worry about him."

"I'm not." Jakub settled into a chair and collected his hand. "Believe me," he said, eyes downcast. "I'm not."