Mature warning for violence.

It's been three days since he's walked out of that front door. I can't admit to myself that I've not slept well because he's not here. I'm sitting on the bottom step of the stairway, staring at the bottom of the front door like maybe if I will it enough, I can draw him to the front step. Each day feels empty and sad, choking the atmosphere of the house. I find myself awkwardly glancing around at the sounds of the house settling at night. There's shadows dancing in the corners of my eyes as the sun sets again. I've been to work each day and walked around town during my breaks. I don't know what I'm doing anymore. As badly as I've always wished to be alone, this boy drags me through this town each day as if I'm looking for my lost puppy.

---

I don't know when I fell asleep, but as I open my eyes I realize that I'm still at the bottom of the stairs. The aching of my legs and side tells me that I should have moved to my room earlier instead of moping, but I couldn't help it. As fate would have it, Anthony has occupied a place in my body that I had placed a no vacancy sign over, but like the excitable young man he is, he wiggled his way in with smiles and kindness and bubbling light. The more I think about him, the faster I get ready for work. As I'm bounding down the stairs two at a time, I hit the front door hard, swinging it in and running across the threshold. It takes me a moment to realize that I'm hurtling towards the ground and as I hit the warm body beneath me I realize why I'm falling.

Anthony is on the ground, gasping for air as I awkwardly scramble up. "Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry! I didn't know you were there and it was too late." I offer my hand to him as I watch him roll to his knees, doubled over as he laughs, "I've only been gone a few days an' you tackle me like an abandoned lover."

If I wasn't flustered before, my face is beaming now. "I'm not- we aren't-don't joke like that!" I take my hand back, huffing as I march down the driveway, trying not to smile.

You don't like him Dante. YOU DO NOT LIKE THIS BOY.

Even as I tell myself that, I know I'm lying to myself. He can't love me back. The problem with the young man that's trotting beside me and hopping around, oblivious to the world as he chatters away about the trip he had to take to see his family, is that as much as my heart yearns for his love, he can't love me back. No one can. 

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you I was leavin'. I didn't know what to say when I came back. But I had a long talk with my momma and thought I should come back an' tell you how I feel. So I feel sorry. 'Cause I yelled at you and I wasn't nice to you about your family. I don't know what has happened in your family, but one day I'd like to listen if you want to talk about it."

I nod, "I wasn't upset with you when you left. I was scared."

The rest of the walk was silent as I fiddled with the hem of my shirt, watching Anthony out of the side of my eye as he kicked at the ground with each step, dust flying ahead of us as he occasionally smiled. As I walked into work, I turned to see him wave as he jogged across the street to the gym. My mind never strayed from Anthony that day, resulting in a few mishaps and a little bit of laughter as I walked into the kitchen with a piece of key lime pie crushed on my chin and neck. The eruption of laughter was overwhelming, Mike's face turning red as he hits his knee, asking me how it tasted on the way down. How clever. Once my shift was over, I met Anthony outside, the butterflies in my chest still fluttering around even in exhaustion. We start our walk home as Anthony chuckles. When I follow his gaze, I see Mike laughing as he mimes getting pied in the face with an empty plate. I grumble as I walk a little faster, wiping my chin for good measure. 

We've almost made it home as I finally feel a little more relaxed, the breeze through the trees lifting my spirits as I actually find myself laughing. "What's that?" Anthony points to my neck, confusing me as I brush my hand where I think he's pointing. When I don't get anything, I shake my head, tilting my head to stretch my neck as I brush my hand around and continue to draw back nothing. Before my mind can process what is happening, Anthony puts his hand on my shoulder as he leans over. The way his tongue slides across my neck makes me almost choke on the butterflies that went from carelessly fluttering in my chest to bombarding in all directions as if abandoning ship all at once. "Mmm, key lime is my favorite. How did you know?"

I open my mouth to speak, but my jaw moves without words. The words I meant to say were rolling over themselves in my head, muddling together until I just laughed, nervous and uncontrollable laughter. I stumbled a little bit as we kept walking and I kept giggling, my feelings kicking up higher in my chest as I moved from confusion to embarrassment to awkward discomfort. I couldn't control how red my face became. I couldn't stop the awkward laughter. Above all, I couldn't stifle the sound of my heart banging against my ribs like a drum, sounding loud enough for the entire forest to hear. When we made it to the house after a few minutes, I ran straight up to my room under the pretense of changing, but really I needed to be alone. I needed to settle my racing heart. I needed to get a grip on myself. I needed to have a chance to open the gates that barely held back the tears ready to run down my cheeks. I needed to forget his touch. I needed to take this chance to erase his greasy touches around my throat and forget Kadence Captain. But the more I try to forget it, the tighter his grip becomes around my neck until I'm suffocating, the memory of his rough fingers crushing my throat.

---

"Dante!"

I'm running now, scrambling through the alley of this run down street, the wind burning my throat as I hear the splashing of Kadence's footsteps behind me. Every breath I take is like acid tearing through the soft tissues in my throat and spewing into my lungs, stars dancing in my eyes as I struggle to keep conscious. I don't even care that my pants are left behind. I don't care that that more I run, the more it hurts. I just have to get away. I have to survive. I have to get away from him. But the lack of oxygen has made me so weak that I can't keep myself upright and when I fall to the pavement, I'm already gone.

When I wake up, I'm in my room, the stiffness in my neck making me wince as I look around in panic. When my eyes find Kadence, my breath becomes short and quick. I shuffle across my bed, attempting to cry out, but the rasp comes out in nothing more than a wheeze, my throat scratching against itself as I cough. "Dante, please don't panic. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to do it. I was just so angry. You know I hate it when you run from me. Why do you do it?"

I don't try to answer. I just cry. I've never cried as much as I have since I met Kadence Captain. The last three years have proven to make me ever more emotional and desperate to get away. No matter how hard I try to avoid him, Kade always catches up with me. He always finds me. He's always coming. Kadence Captain always gets what he wants.

"Don't run from me anymore Dante. I love you." Some sick part of me wants to say that I love him, too. It wants a reason to blame for me putting up with him other than my weaknesses. As his kisses trail across the bruises from his fingers, I feel vomit coming up my throat. Here it begins all over again and I become way too aware of my nakedness, sobs gripping my throat as I don't dare let them escape. 

Hours later I wake up to find myself alone, tangled in the sheets of my bed. My pillows are wet from tears that I hardly remember shedding as I roll over, trying to forget the feeling that I'll never be able to let anyone else touch me. The invisible hand prints he left across my body will be a constant reminder that I will never be clean again. I'm damaged now. Damaged goods. No one will love me. Not with his marks left on me, visible or not. Everyone will see it in my movements, my eyes, and my voice. The anxiety that's been building over the last three years has only begun to ascend to a peak, only stopping to build suspense, but now I can't even take a shower without opening the curtain in a frenzy to chase some disembodied breath that was never there to begin with. 

I have to get away from Kadence before I'm cornered forever. 

---

Opening my eyes, the first thing I see is a dark shadow in the hallway. I've gotten used to this odd nighttime ritual. I awake in a sweat, an eerie darkness soaking the hallway. It's only offset by the even darker outline of a body coming towards me. Although it seems to be determined to reach me, it never enters my room when Anthony is here, only fades away at the doorway before it takes any real shape. Anthony's hand curls around my waist and the nose I feel between my shoulder blades brushes back and forth as he mumbles. 

It's been five months and the house is completely repaired. Anthony has built a beautiful patio out behind the house and he stays here every night almost. When he doesn't stay, I lay awake all night exhausted, but something stops me from closing my eyes like the fight for survival. I can never place the feeling of the stuffiness in this house when he's gone. I hate when he's gone. 

It's been five months and the line between friendship and relationship is so blurred that I don't know what we are anymore. Bringing myself to ask is out of the question because I couldn't stand the thought of scaring him away. What would he think if he knew that I've fallen in love with him so much? Shortly after I admitted those feelings to myself, they grew exponentially until I was overwhelmed by a tsunami of emotions. By now I've accepted that without him, I would waste away to nothing. It's an unhealthy love, I know, but the way he treats me makes my heart double in size each day. I've never been so content in my life. His kindness knows no bounds and neither does my love for him. Watching him sleep is my favorite part. Living with him has given me the chance to see just how adorable he really is. His little habits are my favorite. The way he smiles crookedly when he's trying not to laugh at his own jokes, the way he brushes his hands through his hair when he feels embarrassed or bashful, the way he fumbles when he is nervous, the rituals he has before bed and after waking up, the brightness in his eyes when I make him food. It's the little clicks of his tongue when it's too silent. It's the random times that he grabs my hand and dances with me when there's no music. It's the light in his eyes when he sees me. The mixed signals I get have me spinning in circles over him and I'll stay dizzy forever if it means I can keep him close to me.

I sneak out of bed, glancing at the clock to see it's six in the morning. I quietly tiptoe down the stairs, moving into the dark kitchen and flip the light on. Artificial light blinds me as I dance around the kitchen. humming one of the many tunes that Anthony gets stuck in my head as I scramble eggs and milk together, stirring in cinnamon and a little bit of sugar before I begin dipping the toast in, dropping it on the griddle. As the smells fill the kitchen, I hear a hungry bear thumping from his little cave upstairs after I've finished arranging the toasts on our plates. He comes into the kitchen armed only with messy hair, a pair of baggy sweat pants, and a sleepy grin. The way he breathes in the smell lets me know that he's hungry. His feet shuffle across the wood floors until he pauses at my side, lifting his plate from my hand and placing a chaste kiss on my cheek before continuing to his regular seat. I skip to my seat, taking my place by his side with a big, goofy grin permanently plastered across my face while we eat in silence and I wonder if life could possibly get any better. I'd never trade my teddy bear for any other cuddle buddy in the world, no matter how old he gets. He's my favorite and my only. "Is it sufficient, teddy?" The most recent pet name rolls of my tongue like velvet as I feel the tingles of joy at my own luck. "It's delicious, babe. You're perfect, a master in every task." The kiss he leaves on my lips in that next moment feels like a raging inferno churning in my belly. I'll never forget that moment. It was the first moment that Anthony made me quit questioning how he felt. He was mine.