I was staring at a mountain of spaghetti with chunks of meat, smothered in a red tomato sauce.

And I couldn’t think about anything besides how fattening this would be.

The calculations were running through my head of how many calories it contained. I wasn’t so worried about the cost anymore since I’d be paying it off by cleaning the house.

Reid was still out there. If he saw me, saw how big I’ve gotten, he’d be so disappointed. He’d beat me for not staying pretty. My value would be lowered.

“Blue? You okay?”

I looked up to see a concerned frown on West’s face.

“What? Yes.” I said, wiping my sweaty palms on my pants.

“I called your name a few times,” West said as he took a bite of his own plate of leftover spaghetti.

“Sorry,” I swallowed thickly.

“Are you feeling okay?”

I was about to blurt out an excuse about not feeling hungry but that’s what I said at lunchtime. He’d know I was lying this time. I’ve worried him enough today and he’d be disappointed if I refused another one of his meals again.

I stared at my plate.

I’ll just eat quickly and then get rid of it. That way West will be happy and I won’t gain weight.

“Yea,” I responded to West as I began shoveling food into my mouth, not really tasting it.

West looked shocked but happy nonetheless so I continued.

As soon as I took the last bite, I slid back in my chair and stood up, “excuse me.”

🌊🌊🌊

“Something like going to the bathroom after every meal.”

Briana's words rang loud in my mind as I glared at the table in front of me, my finger tapping against the wood as I counted the seconds.

I waited a few moments. Waited until the sound of Blue’s soft footsteps ceased and for the sound of his bedroom door closing to echo down the stairs.

I pushed myself up out of my chair and padded quietly up the stairs. I knocked on his door softly in case he had simply just gone to his room, but there was no answer or sound of shuffling from the other side. I pushed the door open.

His room was dark and the curtains were still drawn, his bed was unmade and a few pillows and dirty clothes were thrown hazardously around the room. The only light came from the cracks of the bathroom door.

I cautiously put my ear against it hearing quiet gagging coughs and gasps. I swore as I opened the door, hoping that Bri wasn’t right. That this poor boy wasn’t....

Blue was hunched over the toilet, gagging with two fingers shoved down his throat. His cheeks were red and his eyes were all glossed over. He went entirely pale when he noticed I had saw him. He jerked his hand away from his mouth and fell back away from the toilet, gasping for breathe from both the choking and now panic as pure terror took over his face.

I wasted no time taking large steps towards him.

Blue pressed himself as far into the corner of the bathroom as he could, holding out both hands to keep me away, “Sorry! I-I’m sorry! Please! I prom-m-ise I wasn’t meaning to w-waste your food! I j-just- just-”

I calmly kneeled in front of the trembling boy, gently taking both his outstretched hands in mine, “ssshh I’m not mad, Blue.” I spoke softly despite the anger welling in my chest. Not at him but... at the situation. Why was he doing that to himself?

Blue stared at me wide-eyed, watching my every move, specifically where our hands connected and I knew it wasn’t a good time to touch him. I released his hands and he hurriedly tucked them into his chest.

“I’m not mad,” I repeated, “I just want to make sure you’re okay.” I scoot back a little to give him some space.

He didn’t say anything. He just stared at me searchingly, expectantly.

I feel so entirely small in this moment. I wanted to be enough to help but this issue seems far greater than me. I was starting to consider going against his wishes of not wanting a therapist.

“Talk to me Blue,” I pleaded, “I want to help as much as you’ll let me.”

Tears spilled out of his eyes as he took stuttering breaths. I wanted to wipe them away, to run my hands through his hair and soothe the pain away.

“I- I-“ he stuttered, swallowing the lump in his throat, “I-I don’t want to e-e-eat.”

“Okay,” I spoke softly nodding encouragingly for him to continue.

“Be-because he,” Blue wrapped his arms around his abdomen, hugging himself, “sometimes h-he wouldn’t hurt me i-if I-I- looked l-like a p-pretty woman. So, I-I- can’t eat too much.”

I was stunned. My anger turned to fury at the fact that this man was still affecting him even now. That he still had a hold on how Blue lived his life. How he’s still trying to look the way that monster wanted him to.

I watched the boy silently as I reigned in my emotions, and thought about what to say next. Just to be sure I asked, “do you want to be a woman?”

He hesitated for a moment his eyes seemed to un-focus and then focus again. His arms dropped from around him as he shook his head no, “I want to be a m-man,” He choked out.

I scoot a little closer, “you are a man, Blue.”

He shook his head in disagreement, his fists clenching as his expression turned irritated, “men don’t have long hair, men aren’t small like I am, and men don’t… don’t let other men… d-do things to them.”

I have no idea what to say but I have to do something. Telling him that all that is wrong and has nothing to do with being a man might make things worse so I settled on what seemed to be the safest option here, “want me to cut your hair?”

He snapped his head up, looking at me, completely taken aback and I mentally cursed myself for messing up until he very slowly nodded his head, he flinched at himself like he was shocked he did that before he nodded again more firmly. He gripped the long braid that was thrown over his shoulder, “can I?” He whispered.

“You can do whatever your heart desires and I’ll help you, you just say the word. We’ll do this together.”

He wiped his face and nodded.

Baby steps. We’ll tackle eating at another time, when I do some research and figure out the best way to help him.

For now, I want to make cutting his hair a fun experience for him and not something about that monster.

I gave him a big genuine smile and spoke in a thick British accent that I have perfected throughout my years of acting, “welcome to the best barber shop in Riverstone! Please, have a seat on this here porcelain throne, good sir.” I whacked the lid swiftly to shut it but it was one of those toilet seats that are quiet and close slowly so they don’t slam shut. I stared back and forth between him and the slow closing lid with a tight smile on my face.

Blue giggled and wiped the last of his tears away. I whacked it again and re-motioned my hands for him to sit. There was a mirror across from him that he could look into.

I warned him that I wasn’t a hair stylist but I’d try my best and if it came out bad we could go get it retouched by a professional.

Blue agreed and I went to go get a pair of scissors and a comb. When I came back, Blue had undid the braid in his hair. His natural platinum blonde hair flowed down his shoulders as he fidgeted with the ends.

“Ready?” I asked.

He looked in my direction, focusing in on the scissors. I watched as he seemed to swallow a lump in his throat and nod his head yes.

“C-can I cut the first piece?” He asked.

I smiled and nodded, handing him the scissors.

He moved so quick, cutting off a chunk of hair by his chin, I would have missed it if I blinked. The first strands of hair seemed to be falling to the floor in slow motion.

I watched his expression closely, looking for any sign of him freaking out. Instead, his lips slowly turned up into a very small smile as he stared at his reflection.

He hastily pressed the scissors back into my hand, “keep going.”

“You gotta stop bouncing first,” I chuckled.

He stilled, but didn’t break his gaze away from the mirror.

I combed out his hair as I rallied every tip and trick I've seen through those satisfying hair cutting videos on my social media feeds.

And began snipping away.

An hour later, the guest bathroom was full of long strands of white hair, two electric hair trimmers, brushes, multiple pairs of scissors, towels, and now a blow dryer that I just clicked off and set down.

“How’d I do?” I smiled, pretty damn proud of myself.

I had shaved the sides of his head, not too short, and kept it a bit longer on top. Everything looked pretty even, I think. Although I bet any hair stylist would immediately be able to tell this was an at-home-haircut.

Blue didn’t answer. He got off the seat and stood really close to the mirror, just staring at himself. He had a huge smile on his face and his eyes were practically sparkling. He was emitting long low purrs, which by this point I’m assuming, is an uncontrollable sound siren’s make when they’re happy.

“I look like a boy,” he whispered.

“You do,” I took a step closer to him and ruffled his hair, “a very handsome lad, if I do say so myself,” I brought the accent back out.

But my smile immediately fell when Blue’s eyes started to water.

“Wha- hey what’s wrong?”

He brought his hand up to his face, laughing through the tears, “no one’s ever called me handsome.” He glanced up at me through his lashes before turning around and throwing his arms around my neck, hugging me as tightly as he could.

I was frozen for just a moment before my brain finally caught up and hugged him back.

“Thank you, West.”

“No worries, Blue.”

🌊🌊🌊

I left Blue to pack for the next few days. He didn’t have any clothes for himself and I’ve been letting him steal from my extensive catalog of clothes but he hasn’t worn much besides sweat pants and sweaters. I’ll add an extra day to take him shopping in the city to get things that fit his style.

I went downstairs to hear my phone ringing on the kitchen table along side our abandoned plates.

I sighed when I saw Jane’s name after glancing at the time. I was thirty minutes late and had three missed calls from my driver, Larry.

I hit accept and put the phone to my ear. I didn’t get a chance to say hello before Jane started screaming in my ear.

“WEST KLEIN JONES! CARE TO EXPLAIN WHY YOU’RE DRIVER JUST CALLED ME TO SAY HE’S BEEN WAITING OUTSIDE FOR THIRTY MINUTES AND HOW YOU DIDN’T ANSWER ANY OF HIS CALLS?! IF YOU CANCEL ON ME AGAIN I WILL-“

I groaned, “Jaaaneee I’m just running a little late. We’re leaving in five minutes.”

“We? Who’s we?”

I winced. Shit.

“I’m taking Blue with me. I can’t leave him alone.” I said, finality in my voice.

“Oh for the love of- you know what. It’s fine. This is fine! The stress every second he’s out and about with you will take thirty years off my life! It’s all great! I love my job!” Jane laughed maniacally.

“I appreciate your enthusiasm.” I said sarcastically.

“If you’re not in that car in five minutes I’ll skin you, cremate you, and then ship your ashes to that interview myself.”

“Noted! I will text you when I’m on the way!” I said before I hung up with a deep sigh.

Jane was actually my mother’s sister making her my aunt. On top of that she’s my manager for every aspect of my career from PR, to social media, to contacting producers and directors, to getting me auditions. I owe my whole career to her and I wouldn’t trade her for the world no matter how much of a pain in the ass she can be.

I cleared the plates on the table and set them in the sink just as Blue stepped into the kitchen behind me carrying his duffel bag which looked packed with clothes.

He looked brighter with a glow of excitement around him.

I smiled at him, “ready to go?” I asked as I picked up my own bag and slipped some comfortable shoes on.

Blue nodded and hastily made his way to the door.

I almost laughed at his obvious excitement to visit a new place. This was good for him. This is exactly what Bri said he should be behaving like.

I greeted Larry with an apologetic smile before Blue and I got comfortable in the car. It would be a two hour drive to get to the heart of the city where my main apartment was.

“Have you ever been to the city?”

Blue shook his head as he kept his eyes glued on the scenery out his window. “I’ve never left the beachside by myself. I’ve been too afraid to. I went to work, the beach, my apartment, and sometimes the grocery store. Reid would take me places sometimes but they weren’t too far out of town. I don’t really remember much of those outings.”

I frowned. I couldn’t imagine living such a confined life, being so afraid to branch out.

Blue spent the first twenty minutes of the car ride with his nose pressed to window as he peered at the passing trees and occasional buildings.

It wasn’t long until he started slouching, which turned into lying against the door completely, which turned into being just barely being conscious.

I brushed a piece of his shorter snow-like hair out of his face, “sleep, my swan. I’ll wake you when we get close to the city. You won’t miss a thing, I promise.”

He nodded sleepily and let his eyes fall shut.

I studied his face. Not in a creepy way, just...looking. He looked so innocent and it baffled me how someone could possibly wish to hurt him. The bags under his eyes had lightened just a little bit but he still looked so thin and sickly.

A surge of protectiveness spread through my body. I want to hide him from all the bad things in this world and only let him see all the good things. I want him to experience every kind of happiness humanly possible.

He deserves to be given a break and a chance to start over.

To be happy.

I want to give that to him.

Mother Dearest

My Spawn: Can u drop Mr Whiskers off at my apartment. I want Blue to meet him. ty🫶

Mother Dearest: Ofc hon

🌊🌊🌊

“-lue… Blue, we’re almost there.”

I blinked drowsily turning my head to look at West who had woken me. I stretched my arms and yawned.

“Hm?” I hummed as I blinked the blurriness away.

“Look, the city is in front of us.”

Excitement burst threw me as I leaned over to look out the windshield at the tall buildings illuminated in colorful lights. We were driving along a bridge, water on either side of us spanning as far as the eye can see and connecting with the moon that’s slowly rising out of the synchronized blue waves.

I was… dazzled by the views. How pretty everything around me was. I never knew the world could look so bright and I craved to see more of it. 

My thoughts ran rampant with excitement.

It’s pretty breathtaking.

I wonder how many people there’ll be. We should be careful.

This feels kind of like freedom.

It does. Being far from Reid is a huge relief.

I hummed at the overall peace in my head.

“What do you think?” West asked.

“It’s beautiful.”