Chapter 2: Hell is Other People (Especially Your Girlfriend)

Briar sat stiffly on Cassie’s couch, glaring at the cheap furniture like it had personally offended her.

She did not belong here.

She belonged in the great halls of Hell, whispering chaos into the ears of mortals, sowing discord, watching kingdoms fall. Not crammed into a tiny, cluttered apartment with a girl who smelled like vanilla and regret.

And yet, here she was. Bound. Stuck. A girlfriend.

The disrespect.

Cassie sat across from her, sipping instant coffee from a chipped mug, looking way too pleased with herself.

“So,” she said, eyes twinkling with amusement, “what now?”

Briar sneered. “You tell me. You’re the one who summoned a girlfriend. I assume you had some idea of what that would entail?”

Cassie hummed, setting her mug down. “Well, I figured we’d go on dates, maybe cuddle on the couch, support each other emotionally, and, you know, do normal couple things.”

Briar made a face like she had just been offered a raw onion. “Disgusting.”

Cassie smirked. “Wow. No wonder you’re single.”

“I’m single because I’m a demon,” Briar snapped. “We don’t do romance. We do manipulation, destruction, and the occasional blood pact.”

Cassie shrugged. “Sounds like most of my exes.”

Briar squinted at her.

“Okay, fine,” Cassie said, waving a hand. “You don’t do romance. But now you have to. So, what’s your plan, demon girl?”

Briar leaned back, crossing her arms. “Simple. I break the contract.”

Cassie arched an eyebrow. “You sure about that? Because the way I see it, the contract doesn’t end until you fulfill your duty as my girlfriend.”

Briar scoffed. “Oh, please. I’ll just make myself so insufferable that you’ll beg me to leave. You’ll get sick of me in a week.”

Cassie tilted her head. “You really think I can’t handle a little chaos?”

Briar grinned, sharp teeth gleaming. “Oh, sweetheart. I don’t do little.”

Cassie met her gaze evenly. “Then bring it on.”

Briar’s grin widened. “Gladly.”

And just like that, the war began.

Briar was a demon of chaos and destruction—the stuff of nightmares, the whisper in the dark that sent mortals spiraling into despair.

So why the hell was she currently sulking in a mortal’s tiny apartment, watching her grand master plan fail miserably?

She glared at Cassie, who was casually scrolling on her phone, entirely unbothered by Briar’s attempts to be the worst girlfriend in history.

Briar scowled.

She refused to lose.

Time to up the ante.

Day One: Psychological Warfare

Briar started small. Ominous Latin scrawls on the walls, drawn in what looked like blood (it was just ketchup, but Cassie didn’t need to know that).

Cassie took one look and laughed.

“Oh my god,” she muttered, snapping a picture. “This is just a soup recipe.”

Briar stiffened. “What?”

Cassie pointed at the messy script. “Yeah, see? ‘Boil three cups of water, add diced onions, a pinch of salt…’” She snorted. “Wow. Hell’s really into cooking, huh?”

Briar hissed.

Okay. Fine. New plan.

Day Two: Financial Sabotage

Briar knew mortals feared one thing above all else: Bills.

So, she did the most diabolical thing she could think of.

She left the shower running for hours, cranked the heater to max, and flicked every single light on.

The electricity bill would be nightmarish.

Cassie just sighed. “Cool. You want to pitch in for utilities?”

Briar stared.

Cassie sipped her coffee. “Yeah, didn’t think so.”

This was going to be harder than she thought.

Day Three: The Power of Annoyance

Briar decided to go full gremlin mode.

Every time Cassie entered a room, she cackled ominously.

At first, Cassie jumped. But after the third time, she just started rating them.

“Ehh, that was like a five out of ten.”

Briar sputtered. “Excuse me?”

Cassie smirked. “Your first one was better. Had more menace.”

Briar’s eye twitched. “I am a creature of nightmares.”

Cassie nodded. “Sure. Now do another one, but deeper.”

Briar was going to kill her.

Except she couldn’t.

And worse—she kind of wanted to impress her.

Oh, this was bad.

Day Four: Haunted House Mode

Fine. If Cassie wouldn’t break mentally, then Briar would go full horror movie.

She flickered the lights, made objects move on their own, whispered in distorted voices at 3 AM.

Cassie?

Slept through the entire thing.

At sunrise, Briar hovered menacingly over her bed, hair wild, eyes glowing.

Cassie cracked one eye open.

“Morning.”

Briar snapped. “How are you not terrified?!”

Cassie yawned. “Had roommates before.”

Briar gawked. “Your roommates whispered Latin incantations at night?!”

Cassie snorted. “No, but Kelsey used to talk in her sleep about taxes, and honestly? That was worse.”

Briar felt deeply insulted.

Day Five: The Bad Girlfriend Strategy

Alright. If horror wouldn’t work, then Briar would try something truly unbearable.

She would be the worst girlfriend Cassie had ever had.

She started stealing Cassie’s food.

Cassie just made extra.

She was loudly obnoxious while Cassie worked—pacing, humming, tapping on things.

Cassie put in noise-canceling headphones.

Briar mocked Cassie’s favorite horror movies.

Cassie retaliated by forcing her to watch a romantic comedy.

By the time the credits rolled, Briar looked physically ill.

“You’re enjoying this,” Briar muttered, glaring.

Cassie grinned. “A little, yeah.”

Briar bared her teeth. “I am an eldritch horror. You are supposed to fear me.”

Cassie took a slow sip of her tea. “Aww. You’re adorable when you’re mad.”

Briar choked.

This wasn’t working.

Day Six: Running Away

Briar decided to flee.

She dramatically stormed out, declaring, “I will never return!”

She made it two blocks before realizing:

1. She had no money.

2. She had no mortal identification.

3. She had no idea how public transportation worked.

So she ended up loitering outside a gas station, drinking a stolen slushie, contemplating her many life choices.

Cassie found her immediately.

“Wow,” she deadpanned. “You lasted a whole ten minutes.”

Briar grumbled into her slushie. “Shut up.”

Cassie just sighed. “Come on, dramatic demon queen. Let’s go home.”

And for some stupid reason, Briar went.

Day Seven: The Sudden Realization

Briar lay on Cassie’s couch, staring at the ceiling.

She had done everything.

And yet, Cassie hadn’t caved.

Which meant…

She was still stuck here.

Worse, though?

She was starting to get used to it.

And even worse than that?

She was starting to like it.

Cassie wasn’t like other mortals. She didn’t cry, scream, or beg. She just… rolled with it.

Briar found herself grudgingly respecting that.

And maybe, just maybe…

A small, traitorous part of her didn’t mind being Cassie’s girlfriend as much as she pretended.

She scowled.

This was bad.

This was very bad.

It had only been a week since Briar moved in with Cassie, and while she had mostly adjusted to mortal life, there were still a few things that didn’t quite make sense. Cassie’s apartment was weirdly cozy for a place that was entirely human, and then there was the shower.

Briar had seen showers before, in the Underworld—mostly in a “punishment” context, which was far from enjoyable. But she had never actually used one herself. When she first arrived, she figured it would be a piece of cake. How hard could it be to wash off a bit of grime, right?

Well… she was wrong.

Briar stood in front of the shower, arms crossed, glaring at the offending contraption with the intensity of someone staring down their worst enemy. The three knobs before her were a mystery. There was one for hot water, one for cold, and then the third one… well, that one looked like it could be used to summon some kind of eldritch horror, and Briar was sure she wasn’t supposed to touch that one.

She reached forward and turned the hot water knob. The showerhead screeched like a banshee and blasted cold water straight at her face.

“Great,” Briar muttered, wiping the icy water from her face with a disgusted look. “Off to a fantastic start.”

She adjusted the cold knob in frustration, turning it to what she thought was the opposite side. The showerhead sputtered and hissed, sending a stream of water that was… way too hot.

“OW! What is this, some kind of fiery punishment from Hell itself?!” Briar screamed, hopping back to avoid the scalding water. Her tail whipped around wildly, slapping against the walls.

“Okay, no big deal. I can handle this,” she grumbled to herself. She fiddled with the knobs again, convinced this time would be different. Instead, the water started flowing in random intervals, switching between freezing cold and uncomfortably hot in quick succession.

The door to the bathroom creaked, and Cassie’s voice floated in from the hallway. “Briar? You okay in there?”

“I’m fine!” Briar snapped, her voice strained as she tried not to let the water burn her. “I’m just… I’m just testing the human death trap you call a shower. Everything is totally fine!”

Cassie’s voice sounded a little more concerned now. “You sure? You sound… madder than usual.”

“Mad? Who’s mad? I’m not mad! I’m just... very confused!” Briar’s voice cracked, and she cursed under her breath as the water shot out and sprayed directly into her eyes.

Cassie didn’t reply right away, but Briar could hear her footsteps as she walked toward the bathroom. “I’m coming in. Hold on.”

Briar whipped around as Cassie entered, eyebrow raised, arms crossed in a knowing manner. She couldn’t help but roll her eyes. “What? Are you gonna teach me how to summon a demon to handle the water situation instead?”

Cassie smirked and leaned against the doorframe, watching her with an amused grin. “Maybe you should’ve thought about that before trying to use a shower. You’re not exactly built for mortal plumbing, are you?”

“Excuse me?” Briar snapped, stepping back as Cassie walked in and casually grabbed the knobs, adjusting them effortlessly. “I am absolutely built for plumbing. I'm just, you know, adapting to the human way of not using fire or lava. Which is ridiculous, by the way.”

Cassie just chuckled, not even bothering to argue with her. “It’s really not that complicated once you get the hang of it. See? Warm water, just right.”

Briar crossed her arms, still not entirely convinced. “This is way too complicated. You can’t just summon a giant snake made of fire to handle things like this? You know, in case the water actually kills me?”

Cassie rolled her eyes, not taking Briar’s sarcasm seriously. “No, Briar. That’s definitely not how it works. Just turn the knobs until it feels right, okay?”

Briar stared at the showerhead for a moment, then back at Cassie. “Alright, fine, but if I end up with third-degree burns or hypothermia, I’m blaming you.”

Cassie chuckled as she left the bathroom, calling back over her shoulder. “Just be careful, alright? No need to summon Hellfire in there.”

Briar glared at the shower one last time before muttering, “Who needs Hellfire when this thing’s doing a perfectly good job of torturing me already?”

The water was finally at a semi-decent temperature, though it took her a bit longer than expected to figure it out. But after a few more tweaks, Briar finally stepped under the warm water, rolling her shoulders with a satisfied grunt. “Alright. This isn’t the worst thing I’ve ever done. Still would’ve preferred a pool of lava, though.”

She sighed, leaning her head back into the water. For a moment, the feeling of the warm stream rushing down her back almost made her forget she wasn’t in the Underworld anymore. It felt… oddly calming.

Still, Briar wasn’t about to admit that to Cassie, especially not with how smug Cassie had been about her human plumbing knowledge.

When she finally stepped out of the shower, towel wrapped around her chest, Briar walked out of the bathroom to see Cassie leaning against the door, arms folded with that same amused smirk.

“You survived?”

Briar rolled her eyes, flopping down onto the couch dramatically. “Don’t remind me. I think I might need a whole new identity after that traumatic experience. You know, one that doesn’t involve water that can literally burn me alive.”

Cassie just laughed, flopping down next to her. “You’re such a drama queen. But hey, at least you didn’t try to summon anything on your way out, right?”

Briar shot her a side-eye. “Oh, trust me. I thought about it.”

“Uh-huh,” Cassie teased, nudging her. “Guess we’ll just stick with warm showers for now, huh?”

Briar narrowed her eyes. “For now. But the next time I get blasted with freezing water, I’m definitely summoning something.”

Cassie just smirked. “We’ll see about that.”