The day of the winter solstice, we performed in a town called Haute. It was the biggest place I’d been to yet, with a town square nearly as big as my entire village, and a three-story inn that could have held fifty people at least.

“It’s a glad thing you’re here,” a blonde woman told us earnestly on the second day. “We’ve been in sore need of entertainment of late.”

“Oh?” Blythe asked. She had her hair bound up in a high braid with tinsel woven through it, glitter gold paint shading her eyes and enhancing their emerald color. “Why, did something happen?”

“Only young Jehan, the mayor’s son…” The woman paused, looking like she wanted to say more. “I shouldn’t say….”

“Was it the bandits?” Blythe sounded worried, though I didn’t know why. She’d expressed often enough that we didn’t need to worry, she and Seren could fight off any bandits that the Emperor’s Lightguards missed. “We heard rumors at the last town we stopped at, though we haven’t encountered any, thank the Light.”

Now that was a lie. No one had said a word about bandits til now.

“Oh, no, nothing like that!” The woman shook her head. “Only…” She glanced one way, then the other, and leaned in to inform Blythe, “He was using forbidden magic. And we all thought he was such a sweet boy, too…”

My mouth was suddenly bone-dry. There was a bottle of water in my pack, but I couldn’t make myself reach for it. Cold wind trickled down the back of my neck, making my hair stand on end. I shivered and pulled my coat tighter around myself.

“Forbidden how?” Blythe wrinkled her nose, the picture of confusion. “Surely a mayor’s son is allowed to study a bit of witchcraft. Was it necromancy?”

Necromancy was fully forbidden, while witchcraft was permitted, if you were upper class and had a license. Most magic was only permitted if you had a license. Even shifters were supposed to, though Blythe had told me there was no way of enforcing that, since most types of shifters could do it instinctively from birth. But all I knew about necromancy was that it was the power to raise and control the dead, it was illegal with no exceptions, and necromancers were branded and their magic bound as soon as they were discovered. 

“Not necromancy, nor witchcraft. Something… different. Not like any magic we’ve seen.” The woman shook her head. “Ah, but the Lightguards said they’d help him with it, the Emperor would sort it out. He wasn’t right, when he left with them, the captain said it was something about that type of magic, it gets to a person and makes them wrong inside, but the Emperor, bless him, can help. Still, such a shame it happened to him. Such a good boy.”

I was going to be sick.

“Blythe?” My voice wobbled, nearly as shaky as my knees. “I’m not feeling well.”

She glanced at me, sharp and sudden. “Oh, Destiny, I warned you not to taste that mushroom last night. Maybe next time you’ll listen, hm?”

There’d been no mushroom. I nodded and croaked, “I will, promise. Sorry.”

“Can you find our rooms at the inn by yourself, or do you need help?”

“I can manage.” I clenched and relaxed my fingers on the strap of my bag, struggling to breathe normally through the panic rising in my body. “Th-thanks.”

Blythe nodded. “Go on then, off with you. Sleep it off.” Turning back to the woman, she said in a resigned tone, “Teenagers! Almost as bad as toddlers, they are.”

“Oh, tell me about it, I have two!”

The sounds of their chatter faded as I hurried back to the inn. I didn’t go inside, and only just managed to make it around the back before throwing up into the grass.

Different. Strange. Forbidden.

It gets to a person and makes them wrong inside. Was that why I was the way I was? Was my magic the reason I loved girls? Had it broken me before I’d known better?

I didn’t know. I didn’t know!

I pulled out my water bottle and rinsed out my mouth, leaning against the wall. When the world stopped spinning around me, I made my way back to the front of the inn and slipped in, going quietly up to one of the rooms Blythe had already paid for.

I didn’t think I’d be able to sleep with the churning in my stomach, but when I opened my eyes the light from the window was gone and Vida was undressing by candlelight. Her makeup was gone, her hair down, and in the flickering light I caught a glimpse of green on her back before it was gone beneath the glamour again.

I must have made a noise, because she turned abruptly as she pulled her nightgown over her head. “Love?”

My words caught in my throat before I managed, “Yeah?”

Vida fluffed her skirt and sat on the bed next to me, making it dip under her weight. “What’s wrong? You had to go pretty suddenly.”

“I wasn’t feeling well…”

“Blythe lied for you, Des. Do you want to talk about the real reason?”

I didn’t think Vida would tell anyone, but I didn’t want her thinking the only reason I cared about her was because there was something deeply wrong with me. I shook my head. 

“Okay.” I felt more than saw her lean over, then soft lips brushed my forehead and I couldn’t move. “I’ll be here if you change your mind. In the meantime… Fin had some words for me tonight, did you know she was planning to talk to me?”

I shook my head again. “What about?”

She touched my nose. “You, love.” 

“Me?”

“Yes, you.”

“Nothing bad, I hope.” I managed a wry smile.

“Nothing like that.” A slow exhale, and Vida rearranged herself, her weight shifting and making the bed creak. “I haven’t been able to stop thinking about that night under the stars, and she could tell. Fia, too, the other day he– well, never mind that.”

What was she saying? It couldn’t be. Could it? No. 

Another sigh, sounding almost as if she were bracing for something. “Love, look. Feelings, the deep ones, they’re hard for me. I don’t know that I’ve ever had anything more lasting than a passing fancy, and you–” Her voice cracked. “You deserve better.”

“You already said you want to be friends, you don’t need to explain that twice.”

“No– love, listen.” Vida’s hand caught my chin as she leaned over me. “What I’m trying to say is, I’d like to try, if you still want to.”

Her eyes really were incredibly beautiful. “Try… wait. Are you, do you mean…”

“Yeah.” Vida let out a tiny, sparkling giggle. “If you want to try dating, I’d be honored to call you my girlfriend.” There was a rose in her hand as she brought it up to my face, tickling my nose with the petals. “I don’t want you to be hurt if it doesn’t work out, but we’ll both stay pining if we don’t at least try. And I’ll– it’ll be only you, Des, as long as we’re together. That matters to you, yeah?”

I wiped my eyes and wrapped my hand over hers on the rose's stem. “Oh, your timing is just perfect.” I might be broken, might only love her because something went wrong inside me, but I couldn’t say no. Not about this.

“What do you mean? Are you okay?”

I needed to change the subject. “I need to brush my teeth before we kiss.”

She paused, processing that. “Destiny!”

I managed a giggle at that. “I’ll do it now if I can have a kiss out of it.”

“Oh, certainly!” She sounded half indignant, but she helped me up, leaving the rose dangling from my fingers. “Go clean up, and yes, you’ll get a kiss from it, you sneaky girl.”

Something about that rang wrong. “I’m not!” I protested. A thorn pressed between my first two fingers.

“Sure you are, tricking me into kissing you already,” she teased.

I made a face at her and burst into half-forced laughter. Her laugh bubbled up in response, sweet as honey and soothing as rain. My laughter turned real as I clutched the rose tighter. Thorns didn’t matter now.

“Vida?” I leaned back in the wagon, looking up at the clouds.

“Hmm?”

“Would you still love me if I were a worm?”

“What sort of question is that? You aren’t one and you’re no shapeshifter either.”

“Well… imagine I got cursed.”

“Are you still Destiny, or just a worm that used to be her?”

“Still me, just a worm.”

“Then yes. I’d try to break the curse, because no one wants a worm for a girlfriend, but yes, I’d still love you.”

“What if I were just a worm that used to be Destiny?”

Deep sigh. “I’d put you in a jar with some dirt and try not to touch you until I could break the curse. I do not like bugs, love. Why are you asking me this, would you not love me if I turned into a worm?”

“Of course I would. I’d hold you and talk to you. I wouldn’t kiss you, though, not as long as you were a worm.” Come to think of it, despite the stories about faeries being able to shapeshift, I’d never seen Vida take another form except her glamoured human-self. Maybe she couldn’t? Or maybe she just never needed to.

If I could shapeshift, I didn’t think I’d ever stop changing forms.

Vida chuckled. “That’s sweet of you.”

I steeled myself and asked, “What if I were broken?”

Vida’s brow creased. “Like a broken bone? I can’t see how that would change things between us–”

“Like broken inside. Mentally.”

“Oh, you mean like people say I am, only because I’m a girl who likes to kiss other girls?” Vida laughed. “You’re no more broken than I am, love.”

That wasn’t true, but I couldn’t tell her about my magic. Not after so long hiding it. What would I even say, No, I know I am because I have magic that got a man taken away to the capital. A random woman said it makes people wrong inside, so it must have broken me too? Vida would laugh that off. She wouldn’t care about one person’s opinion.

And maybe she’d be right not to care?

I thought about it later, as I worked on mending a shirt– without magic, though I could do it well enough by now, since I’d always hated the tedium of sewing. I was pretty sure Vida was the closest thing to perfection that there was. Even though she had her flaws, who she loved wasn’t one of them.

But it was different for me.

Wasn’t it?

I had other things to think about. The wagon stopped, and Fiachra leapt up and shifted from shaggy golden wolf to shaggy-haired teenager. “Who’s excited!”

“You,” said Vida, squinting at her stitches. She frowned and tugged the thread gently. Her hair was covered by an old towel after Fin and I had helped her re-dye her hair. “I’m only excited to wash this stuff off my head in a proper shower. A hot one.”

“Come on, I’m not the only one who loves theater. Torrena has one of the best on the continent, and we’re performing there tomorrow night.”

Bloom looked up from her book, tilting her head with her brows drawn in confusion, and lifted a hand to half-sign, “What?” 

“We’re performing at Torrena Theater,” Dream said. “What did you think we’ve been rehearsing for?”

Bloom tucked the book under her leg to mark her place. “You’re always rehearsing for something. Didn’t realize it was special.” She shrugged, retrieved the book, and went back to reading.

“Anyways,” Dream continued, stepping closer to me and Vida. “I was thinking. If you both want, I was the one to edit the script for Teodor and Floriana down to fit seven parts. Since Pryderi is too young and I don’t perform well onstage, I had to give Destiny one of the boys’ parts– I can edit to make it a girl, but if you don’t mind playing a boy it’d be more recognizable, and it’d mean you can kiss Vida onstage.”

“Yes,” I said immediately. “I’ll do the boy version.”

Dream and Vida both laughed. Vida kissed my hair, pinning the towel with one hand as it tried to come undone. “You’re adorable, love. I’d love that too.”

“Then it’s settled. Makes things easier on everyone.”

We never had much time to memorize scripts, so half the time someone forgot a line and improvised. It helped that we had hours and hours on the road every day to practice between performances.

This would be only my second time onstage. The first time, the performance called for an ‘audience volunteer’ who was secretly a member of the group. Since they’d been to the town before, I was the ‘volunteer’.

This time, I had actual lines. An actual part to play– and it would involve kissing Vida. My girlfriend. Just the thought of those words made me giddy with excitement, and I wanted to shout it to the world. Normally, I wouldn't be able to, but tomorrow, even if the words I spoke onstage weren't mine, maybe some of them could be.