September’s already done, and so much has happened. Ann-Marie really hates me, and I can feel it with the strength of her gaze-how much she truly despises me and thinks everything I have done is a huge mistake. Sometimes I believe her. It’s not that I want to-of course not- but since I overthink a little too much, I can’t help myself from doing that. When I keep mentioning that to the girls, they all worry and tell me I haven’t done anything wrong, but it’s a sentence I’ve been told my entire youth. When it might not be true each time. I do know they have good intentions, but it isn’t what’s worrying me. 

Since I do not know the girls much considering I met them last year-except Avery- I don’t trust them entirely. A small part of me thought that maybe one of them betrayed me with the rumor. I knew it was Ann-Marie, but something, within me, wants to believe that she is capable of a change. Visibly, she isn’t. Perhaps she will change in the future. I hope so. Jealousy is the biggest flaw you can keep for too long. I do not blame her, though. 

It’s not like I judge easily. I have no idea what happens at home. If she’s going through something. People who bully-well, not bully but give their pain to someone else- often have a lack of self-esteem. They want to erase either their mistakes or their pain to make it go away, to make themselves feel better. I know, it isn’t good, it isn’t positive, but we must think about those people too. My nemesis could be this way. Well, not could, I believe it. 

Sometimes I see her vulnerable. Not often, though. She thinks twice, but her choices remain the same. However, I never hate her for what she does. I look at her with anger, yes, but I’m still resilient. I may retort and snarl at her, but I’d never do anything wrong to her. I’d never hurt her any way. Maybe I’d get a revenge, somehow, but I won’t spill my pain to her. She seems to be hurting, so why would I do that? 

I’m glad I’m the head of student council now. The girls are still mad at me, but with the speech I gave a few weeks ago to Ann-Marie, they understand it better. They’re less on my case. They used to be suspicious about whether that rumor was true or not, but now that I’ve shown them that it isn’t, they’re more chill. It reassures me, really. I hate when people have seconds thoughts about my honesty. I’d never lie, would I? Ah, I dunno, I suppose it depends on what. Are the lies that protect your loved ones justified? That’s a question that I never had the answer to. 

Anyway, I still can’t believe I have met Dylan this month. With the way I had phrased it, it doesn’t look like I take it that badly, but it’s only because it’s been four years and I began getting over it. I was reminded of his existence only when Ann-Marie had shared the rumor to everyone else. I remembered him, but he was a part of my past. And seeing him again-that handsome grown-up face (that I am not attracted to anymore, fortunately) was troubling. 

I only told Avery for now. It would be a bit weird to tell it to the girls out of the blue, since they do not have that much information about him than Avery does. I could tell them, but for now, I want to start slowly. I feel like he’s going to play a big part in this. He knows Ann-Marie. And so does she. He knows about Jules, which is a big deal. If Dylan knows I have a boyfriend, he must believe that I got over him. Well, this isn’t the entire truth either. 

Considering how I trust Avery a little more, I decided to invite her over for a talk on a random Saturday. I don’t live in my grandparents’ apartment anymore-we decided to relocate in an intergenerational house. We might not have our complete privacy with them living this close, but at least we get to see them more often. They have their own secluded place, and we have place for my friends too. It was a sacrifice for them, but it was for the best. Plus, it’s more modern than living in a retirement home at seventeen years old. 

“I thought you’d never find the house.” I tell her with a slight smirk as she steps in. 

“At least, this time, I won’t have to justify myself at why I’d go to a retirement house alone.” Avery teases, her eyes sparkling with amusement. 

“Shut up, don’t remember me that...It wasn’t even that bad...” I groan, embarrassed, before we settle on the basement’s couch, “It doesn’t matter now...” 

“But it does for me, you get it? That was a nightmare....” 

“Stop complaining...” 

“Fine, fine, alright, that was a simple reminder.” She states, raising both hands in innocence as she smiles wickedly at me. 

I roll my eyes, pretending to be outraged, although I’m not. My friend laughs and shakes her head, knowing very well that I’m just playing. I can’t stop a smile from creeping onto my lips-a genuine one, one that I only show when I’m with people I feel comfortable with. Including her. Avery purses her lips and pauses for a second, looking shy. 

“Hey, do you like my new hairstyle, by the way? I wasn’t sure you’d like it...”  

I look at her for a moment, judging her cautiously, trying to figure out what’s new in her hairstyle. My eyes widen as I take in the sight of her loose brown hair. She has the butterfly haircut, and God knows how well it fits her. 

“Ooh! You look great!” 

“Really?” She questions with a hesitant smile, playing with the strands, “I dunno, I was a little tired of the hushcut.” 

“No but really, it fits you well...” 

“Thank you...” She mumbles sheepishly, before she looks back at me, “So, what did you want to talk about?” 

My gaze flickers to the floor, and I find myself searching for words. It’s not usually something that I do, but saying everything that goes through my mind, simply, is difficult for me. It shouldn’t-and yet I can’t say anything. My best friend knows it, too; of course, she does. I know it because I know her, with the way she looks at me. 

“I don’t know, there’s been a lot on my mind lately. Dylan is being weird...I had another course for my license, but he didn’t look at me. Not even a second. I don’t know why it felt weird. It’s not like I want him to acknowledge me-well, maybe- but I couldn’t help but glance at him from time to time.” 

“Why though? Do you feel that way towards him anymore?”' 

“No.” I sigh, my voice confident and firm, yet my expression isn’t completely readable. I am not trying to hide it, but I’m faltering a little, “But-I don’t know, I’m just being weird, I guess. I’m a little mad at him, but I think I’m madder at myself.” 

“For believing him?” Avery speaks rhetorically, before she puts a hand on my shoulder, “Just try to forget him, alright? It’s a little harsh, but with Ann-Marie, you can’t let him get under your skin.” 

“I’ll try. I just don’t want him to steal me away from Jules.” 

“Do you think that’ll happen?” She questions, arching a brow, “Like, honestly? Think it deeply.” 

I pause for a moment before answering “No. But I don’t think it will.” 

Avery smiles, brushing a strand of hair away from her face as she pulls away from me and nods vigorously, confident. Visibly, she has an idea. Well, I just know it. She stands up, offering a hand, and I gladly take it, a little confused of what she’ll try to do. 

“How about you show me your paintings?” She suggests with a smug leer. 

*** 

“You could become a painter, honestly.” 

Avery has been staring at my quick art of the landscape by the window for five minutes now, and she can’t seem to tear her gaze away from it. She seems mesmerized. She tilts her head back to me, our eyes meeting. She seems honest. She’s frank and decided. 

“I don’t think so. That was just a sketch.” I tell her with a shrug, looking away. 

“Just a sketch?” She repeats, dropping her hands on my shoulders and looking at me seriously, “If that’s just a sketch, imagine what a real painting could be! Just look at the color of the sky! It’s so realistic! And the details of the grass, with the flowers! You finished it, but if you drew something more wonderful, it could help! But hey, I remembered you drew well this summer, and I wanted to tell you that you could paint, but I forgot...” 

“Well, thank you...” I grumble, feeling a little awkward. 

“Oops, sorry if I insist too much...” My friend tells me, pulling away and slamming a hand on her mouth, “Shit. Well, only follow it if you like it, dear.” 

I laugh softly, finding her honesty quite refreshing. I missed this. Avery is such a great friend, a little extroverted, but even more if you know her personally. She’s always so excited, and you can trust her. I look at her in amusement, the same ideas running through my head constantly. 

“It’s fine. You're right. I do like painting. It helps when I’m bored. But eh, school steals time, right? Let’s just hope it’ll keep me cool and relaxed for the next months...” 

Avery’s shoulders slump back a little. We thought the same thing. We both know I won’t be cool and relaxed for the future months. I’ll freak out, surely. Well, better not to think about it...Everything’s going to be great. Ann-Marie won’t steal Jules...