There was no question that I had a wonderful childhood. I had no complaints and wholeheartedly wished to carry the same values as my parents and live as they did. Everything I knew about them made me want to follow the same path no questions asked. However in that moment, it was as if that my whole world came crashing down. It was a quiet tumble. It began with my father’s odd behavior and ended with the listing of four names. 

“E”

Tatum Theroux

Howl Silva

Astrid Tate

My mother, my friends. They were all listed one after another. Everyone lied to me, everyone was secretly connected, covertly working with one another right under my nose. I was under the impression that they worked in entirely different industries as did my mother. There never appeared to be an overlap, so what is all this? 

“You’re going to have to help me understand. I want you to explain why this is the first I’m hearing of   this. I was never under any impression that you knew my friends let alone worked with them. So what is this?”

His expression hadn’t changed at all. He seemed unwilling to say another word or rather he was at a loss as to what to say.

“I’m giving you a chance. Explain it to me so I can try and understand. This isn’t like you.”

Silence.

I looked at him pleadingly to say anything. Only to be met with silence and averted eyes.

“Why don’t we talk about this another time then?” I left with my mind an absolute mess. Before I knew it I was standing outside, alone again. When I first arrived the sky was clear and the stars seemed so bright. So, why is it that it’s now raining? Why is it so different? Even the weather seems to be mocking me. 

So, what did I actually know, what had I missed over the last twenty six years of my life to now be learning this information?

My existence as Asher Park’s child was not public knowledge. I was given my mother’s maiden name when I was born, making me, Alistar Eden. To everyone I was just Sasha Eden’s son, the brilliant computer engineer that goes simply by E. The knowledge of her job was covert. She worked from home and carefully curated her work schedule. After some time, her work seemed to lessen greatly. She solely focused on raising me or so I thought. 

I was aware that my parent’s personal lives did not coexist with their public personas. No one knew of their marriage and that wasn’t something I noticed right away.

When I started school and had class events that parents would attend, my father was missing. For the longest time I assumed he was never in the crowd. I would only find my mother’s warm smile waving and cheering me on in those instances. As I got a little older, I became aware of another person’s gaze in the crowd. For awhile, I couldn’t pinpoint where it was, but I felt it intensely. Then one day, I found the warm and loving gaze in the back of the room. No one else seemed to notice him all by his lonesome looking quite forlorn. I’d come to the understanding that the privacy of their lives was pivotal since they wanted me to live as normally as possible. 

I was aware of these things and I was grateful for their sacrifices. However, this secret is too much to bear. Were my friends really my friends? Could they not have given me any idea or had approached me in a better manner so I wouldn’t feel so betrayed. So I wouldn’t question their every move from here on out? 

Questions loomed over me like a cloud. I wanted answers to my questions from my parents, but there was one person I really needed to talk to. There was a woman that had lingered on my mind since the moment her name fell upon my ears. From that moment on, she was the first person I wanted to talk to. It had been like that for seven years. Astrid Tate. Why was your name on that list? I was let down by so many, but your name tore me to pieces. She had colored my life and I would be the first to admit that I’d fallen hopelessly for her. 

I was now sitting in my car. When did I get here? The once pristine file was now crumbling in my hand. I opened it to see the list of names once more. I immediately found Astrid’s employee information. It was short and sweet with a small photo id attached.

Astrid Tate

Computer Engineering graduate ― (xxxxxx university) + several more degrees *redacted for privacy*

25 years old

7 year employment with Bond&Park

Card: Ace of Spades 

She was already working for Bond&Park when we met. Betrayal seemed to consume my heart further. It also gave me clarity on the silver necklace she had worn around her neck since the day we met. On a short chain was a silver playing card with the markings of an ace of spades. There was never a day where it didn’t adorn her neck. It became abundantly clear I wasn’t aware of a lot of things in my life. It wasn’t something that ever bothered me until this very moment. I wasn’t someone who told anyone much about my life, so I didn’t pry either unless someone felt so compelled to give me details. I was suddenly feeling regretful and somewhat at fault for not asking such questions. Not wanting to be further consumed by these thoughts I drove home with the stereo on full blast. 

Being in a complete daze, I suddenly found myself already walking to the elevator to reach my floor. It was much too quiet leaving my thoughts to consume me once more. Once the elevator door opened, there was a sudden crash and a few simple words. 

“Alistar, I’m sorry.” 

With that small sentence, my incessant thoughts seemed to drift away. Yes, this is what I wanted to hear in that moment.