I gasped and jumped back, slamming sideways into the crates and barely keeping myself from screaming. I looked up at the person who had snuck up behind me, craning my neck to try and see their face. The cloudy sky was bright enough behind them to make it hard to see their face, but their silhouette was massive against the grey clouds. I had not seen anyone this huge in my life – well, in person, that is – and I started to panic, feeling trapped between the wall of person in front of me and the wall of crates behind me.

“Woah, steady, I didn’t – oh hell, are you! I mean, are you the – ah, shoot.” I realized belatedly that I was sort of hyperventilating, my vision growing blurry just as my eyes started to adjust enough to make out the details of the person in front of me as they stepped backwards, their hands raised apologetically. They were wearing a black tunic with a silver insignia I could not currently make out but which I knew had to be the lynx that symbolized the Second Company. This was a knight, then, someone who worked for the captain.

My mind worked clearly, analyzing these details and explaining to me that of course, this was obviously my fault for sneaking around and there was no reason to assume this knight would harm me in any way and by the way my lack of rational behavior was making this innocent person really uncomfortable, please get it together – but my body continued to rebel. I knew I would feel humiliated as soon as I had the breath and wherewithal to do so, but right now I was simply falling apart, and the logical train of thought might as well have been coming from a different person. I tried to breathe slowly, remembering Emilia teaching me when I had similar episodes at the temple as a child.

In through the nose, in two three four five, out through the mouth, out two three four – four – in through the mouth – no, nose – in two - in four – wait - it was not working quite right, but I kept trying, my heartbeat slowing the more I succeeded.

I was vaguely aware of the knight now crouching in front of me, hands still raised in an apparent attempt at being non-threatening. After a few long moments my vision finally started to clear up a bit, just in time for me to see Captain Oesten step up behind the knight.

Fantastic.

With the return of my vision came my sense of shame. I leaned back against the crates a bit only to accidentally slip down to a sitting position, my legs numb and shaky. I kept breathing slowly and tried to look anywhere but at the captain. As a result, I found myself looking directly at the knight who had startled me.

The man was scrunched up in an apparent effort to try and make himself look small, but the attempt only emphasized his bulk. A scar cut through his left eyebrow, but his tanned skin was unlined and he was clearly quite young for a knight. He had bright dark brown eyes and sun-streaked brown hair, looking for all the world like the grizzly bears I had occasionally seen in my visions. That bear was currently trying desperately to explain himself to his captain from where he squatted on the muddy ground in front of me, his words clumsy.

“No, so I didn’t know who she was, I just saw her and I asked her what she was doing, I really didn’t know! And then she just started freaking out –“

At this, Captain Oesten smacked him upside the head once.  I jumped a bit, startled, but the knight seemed unfazed and kept trying to explain. “No, right, panicking, not freaking – of course, then, so I let go of her shoulder and stepped back straight away –“

Another smack. This one seemed to prompt some sort of self-reflection, and the knight trailed off, almost whimpering.

Huh. Maybe I was just dizzy, but the grizzly bear was starting to look more and more like a teddy bear. Despite his enormous size and obvious strength, there was no aggression or dominance in his demeanor. Maybe that was because of the captain’s presence, but I got the sense that this was just who he was; someone who would curl himself up to the point of discomfort in an effort to make others feel more at ease.

“You grabbed her shoulder?” Captain Oesten’s voice was low and angry.

“W – well, I thought – I didn’t know who she was, and she was hiding, so –“

Worried the young giant was going to get smacked again at this rate, I mustered up enough air to interrupt.

“No, it was my fault.”

Both of them looked at me. I winced a bit at the captain’s intense gaze. Now here was someone who definitely did not look like a teddy bear.

“Right. What exactly were you doing, Saintess?”

Well. This was not exactly what I had envisioned when I steeled myself to start ‘gathering information’. It was my turn to stutter while trying to explain myself.

“I was just – I wanted to look around. I didn’t want to get in the way, and I was just a bit – I didn’t know if I was allowed to. And I think I’m supposed to speak to the Princess before she leaves, right? O – or –“

I cursed myself internally for my clumsy speech. I had decided to be brave, right? But it was hard to pretend to be confident while covered in mud and facing the man who had helped me escape my hell but also had no reason to respect me or trust me.

He interrupted my rambling. “No.”

I stopped, confused. No?

“She’s leaving now. You should be in your tent.”

I winced a bit. So I was right – moving around freely still was not permitted.

“It’s cold.”

Huh? Was that the problem?

“Where is that priestess? The one who is meant to take care of you?”

“Uh – I’m not sure exactly –“

The captain sighed, and I shut my mouth quickly. He stepped toward me and then then paused as though considering something.

“Reed, get up and find the priestess. I’ll deal with you later.”

“Yessir!” Looking incredibly relieved, the knight – Reed – jumped up and ran away, moving faster than I would have thought possible for someone of his size.

Now the captain took his place, crouching a few feet in front of me. He was a tall man, almost as tall as the Reed, but when he crouched it was with an almost feline grace. There was nothing clumsy there, and I tensed again, feeling like a deer sitting before a jaguar.

“Can you stand?” I nodded vigorously, then immediately proved myself wrong as my still-trembling knees buckled on my first attempt. The captain reached out but stopped suddenly before touching me, his hand outstretched, and then scowled. I winced. Could I possibly be a more frustrating ally?

“May I help you?”

“Yes…” I nodded sheepishly.

I reached towards his hand, expecting him to pull me up, and was startled when I found myself immediately scooped up and airborne. He held my body away from him, balanced in his arms while leaving as much space as possible between my body and his chest. Through my shock, I had the errant thought that this position had to require incredible arm strength.

Well, it was probably just an attempt to keep himself clean - I was incredibly muddy right now. As embarrassing as it was to have him avoid me like this, I did feel more at ease being carried by him with the distance he left between us. I was not exactly a fan of human contact. It was really surprising actually that I was not more alarmed at this moment.

“Wait – we need to talk, though.” I did not want to go back to my tent and end up bedridden again. If I laid down, I would fall asleep. It was time to move forward with whatever the plan was.

“First, you need to dry off.”

“But –“

“We will talk after.” His tone made it clear that this was final. Fair enough. This his camp, and he probably did not want me tracking mud on his furniture or anything.

I fell silent and tried desperately not to think about anything. Of course I failed. Captain Oesten’s gait was smooth as he carried me, almost unbelievably so, but I could feel a bruise forming on my shoulder blade where I had slammed myself into the wall of crates before. Since he had opted to carry me in outstretched arms like some sort of offering, I could feel his arm pressing against it. Was he wearing armor? It had to be impossible for someone’s bicep to be that hard.

That thought almost broke me. What the hell was I doing? I should be grateful to this man for tolerating me and not punishing me immediately for skulking around his camp, not fixating on his anatomy. What in all the hells was wrong with me?

“Woah – what’s the captain doing?”

“Is that the Saintess?”

“I’ve never seen her before.”

“What happened? Why would he –“

A group of knights whispered as we walked by a large, simple tent that probably served as their shared sleeping quarters. A few even broke out into snorts of laughter. I could not help but scrunch my eyes shut – honestly, compared to what I was used to, they really were not being all that rude or cruel, but I was at my limit with embarrassment today.

“Eek.”

Everyone fell abruptly silent for some reason, apart from a single odd squeak that sounded a bit like a mouse being startled. I opened my eyes and glanced back over at the group, wondering why they would suddenly cut their conversations off like that. They were all looking away and occupying themselves with various mundane tasks, but their movements were awkward and nervous.

I looked up at Captain Oesten for some clue as to what happened, but he spoke before I could say anything.

“Why aren’t you wearing any shoes?”

“Oh, uh, I didn’t want them to get muddy,” I said sheepishly, very aware of how my robe was soaked in mud.

“…I see.”

Ah, that was a weird thing for me to say. I guess that might not make much sense to a noble, but he was also a warrior, so I thought he might understand if I appealed to his practicality.

“It’s really hard to clean dyed silk like that. So I thought they were better for indoors.”

“…I see.”

Maybe not. Or – wait, did he think I was criticizing how they were caring for me?

“I mean they were really nice! Really more than I need.” He said nothing. “Not that that’s a bad thing! It’s an honor to – I just mean, I did not want to damage them.”

“…Okay.”

I was definitely not communicating successfully here.

“I don’t usually go outside anyway. And barefoot is more comfortable for me. I can always just wash my feet. That’s easier than cleaning shoes like that.”

I glanced up at his expression and was startled to see him scowling again. I winced and looked away. He sighed deeply, and I finally shut up, leaving us in an awkward silence.

As we reached my tent, two voices called out from two different directions.

“Saintess! My goodness –“

“Saintess!”

I looked up and saw Emilia and Princess Rhiannon approaching from either side, Emilia looking indignant and the Princess clearly barely holding back laughter. My face felt so hot I half expected the rain to turn to steam as it hit me. From above me, I heard a low curse, almost inaudible.

Well. At least I was not the only one who found this awkward.