10 (1)-Risk it all

Garrett's pov

Ever since I dared to tell Brandon that he makes me feel like I'm just his boy toy, we haven't seen each other nor talked to each other.

Thank goodness it was Easter break or else I wouldn't have had a reason not to talk to him.

He hasn't tried to contact me since then and I don't know if that's a good thing. I bet my friend Rachel surely would think so but I don't know...

I'm still devastated about that through. As much as I hated how he treated me, I still loved the times we had together even if we only had sex.

I was desperate alright? If that was what would make him still want to see me then I had to comply even if I didn't like it.

The kind of relationship we were in isn't something I like that I know. I prefer to be in a committed relationship.

Though, I don't know what to feel about what Brandon and I had. It wasn't even a serious thing. He would just call me whenever he wanted just so he could get into the act that's all.

I don't know if what I did was the right thing through because of that I might've lost him. That's not what I wanted. I just wanted things to be different you know? But that wasn't what he was giving me.

I just...I can't help but want more. That's what I wanted from the start. I wanted him seriously. I instantly fell in love with him. Yet, whenever I'd see him we only did the same thing almost every day and although the sex is wonderful with him, I just wish we would have done more.

I wished that he would call me, that he'd be interested in learning about me, or...care about me. Through, I realize now that he probably doesn't see me as anything but a boy toy...The idea hurts...And it hurt my feelings even more when he did not attempt to deny it...

And I know maybe I am being unrealistic for wanting more and I should have known with the kind of lifestyle he seems to have and how he refuses strangely to give out even the most basic information about himself that we wouldn't be anything more....

I mean...he admitted he saw me as such and that hurts. He didn't want to see me anymore...

And I just can't help but wonder why, even more so because he keeps going back to me.

Regardless, I'm glad I seemed to have changed his mind a bit but that's far from what I want.

I know that it seemed hopeless in the start even if I hate to admit but I had the plan to make him want me, to make him...love me...I was hopeful it would change but...now how can I do that if he doesn't love me back or is the least bit interested in me...?

Most people would tell me to give up on him but I can't help but want him...It's not another guy that I want. It's him that I want. I haven't been in love for years but I fell immediately for him and now, I'm certain I love him not just sexual attraction. It's him that I like despite all the imperfections.

The truth is that I'm older than him, so I'm already at the next step while he's probably not.

I'm closing on my twenties. I can't help but start to be in a committed relationship and think about marriage. It's going too far but deep down that's what I want, what I wish for. Hookups have never been something I've been interested in until I met Brandon and I don't think I plan to hook up with others.

And I know it's crazy that despite our clear differences, he's still after all the guy I invasion doing it with, a future with.

Despite his lifestyle, he's everything I want in a guy, my dream guy. He makes me feel so good in bed, he looks attractive and I just can't help but fall in love with him. I want him to be all mine, I don't want him to go for other guys at the bar. Is it selfish to want that??

I just... I can't give up on him..even if I think he did..Oh how I wish he didn't.

Anyways, I have to stop thinking about this now, I'm at work I can't go thinking about this. I'm sure the others will start to worry about me.

Easter break is over so we're back at work today. In a sense, I'm actually glad we do because this way I can do something else than think about the whole situation.

"What's making you so sad this morning? We just got through Easter break. What could possibly be troubling you?" She smiles with curiousness in her tone.

Rachel! Why didn't I try talking to her during the break?

"Oh..it's nothing important."

"Oh come on. Of course, it's important, if it wasn't important, you wouldn't be here looking troubled." She says worried.

"No, I'm fine.." I say a bit glum and she comes closer to me.

"Look, if you're not ready to tell me that's fine. It's ok to not be ok." She smiles sympathetically and then, she hugs me. I wasn't expecting that...

"Rachel.." I say uncertain I deserve this.

"I don't know what's wrong but just know I'm here ok?" She smiles sympathetically.

"Thanks, Rachel you're the best." I smile softly

"I know we haven't known each other for long but you can always count on me."

"Yes.." I say.

"Now let's get to work!" She says suddenly enthusiastic and I smile softly. Rachel really is nice, she'd probably be a good friend.

"Yeah"

It is currently lunch hour and I'm on my lunch break with Rachel.

I'm feeling tempted to tell her about what happened between Brandon and me. I haven't told her yet because I didn't want to burden her with my problems. We haven't been colleagues for a long time.

She knows about my family and that I'm gay. Though, I refused to tell her about my love life. That's yeah...personal.

Oh...as much as I hate to be a burden I know that I have to tell her. It's really eating me on the inside, I need to know what to do.

"Rachel..." I say with a nervous tone.

"Yeah?"

"I have to tell you something."

"Is it about this morning?" She says slightly worried.

"Yeah.." I say feeling awkward.

"You don't have to tell me if you don't want to."

"But I want to." I try to sound convincing.

"Ok then..." Oh good.

"I know you might be mad after I tell you but..."

"Why would I be mad? I have no reason to be mad." She says concerned.

"I know but...you will..."

"Ok...I promise I won't." She says sincerely.

I tell her about everything. Everything that's happened between Brandon and me. Of course, I had to tell her about what happened..and yeah...she's mad...

"How could you let him treat you that way?!" She snaps angrily.

I don't want her to be mad...I don't like it.

"Please don't be mad..." I insist on hating it that she's in a foul mood because of me.

"I know I'm sorry..." She says feeling guilty.

"No...I understand why you feel that way. It's just that..." I say hesitant.

"What? You had a reason to let him treat you that way?" She asks irritated.

"Oh...uh well I didn't want him to treat me that way but..." I say startled by her words.

"Rett, I want you to be honest with me. You love him don't you?" She says looking deeply at me and that embarrasses me.

"Yes..." I blush.

"What do you see in that guy?" She tries to ask without judging but fails.

"He has everything I want in a guy..." I say feeling singled out.

"Like what? You like the way he treats you?!" She yells annoyed and that startles me.

"Rachel!" I beg her to calm down as we are in public and she takes a deep breath and smiles lightly apological but I can tell she's still irritated.

"Sorry. I just...I don't like how this guy is treating you. He can't treat you like you are a toy." She says earnestly.

"I know...I just can't help but want to be with him..." I feel bad for wanting that but I can't want that...

"But why Rett? Why?" She asks desperate.

"I don't know I just do...He's..." I say struggling to explain myself but yet my thoughts warm my cheeks.

"Perfect in bed?" She completes.

"Yeah..." I become pink.

"Oh...Rett. That's not a reason to want to be with someone." Her face softens.

"I know but I just see some potential in him," I say trying to keep being hopeful about Brandon.

"You do? With that kind of lifestyle, you think he has potential?" She says surprised and unconvinced.

"Well yeah, I hope so," I say uncertain but trying to keep being hopeful.

"He won't give up on his lifestyle for you Rett." She says firmly.

"I know but...I can't help but want to try...try to make him give up on it and choose me." I say hoping for a glimmer of hope.

"Those types of guys don't care about your feelings. They just care about getting it done." She says irritated.

"Not true!" I say taken aback so much so that my eyes can't help but fill with water.

"Rett...I didn't..." She says guilty and worried. Then, she chooses to come closer and hug me.

"It's just that I really want him...I'll do anything to have him." I say desperate.

"I don't really understand why you do but... I guess I can't convince you." She says defeated, tone softening.

"Yeah..." I finally stop shedding tears and she stops hugging me.

"So what are you going to do now? You said you haven't talked to each other since then." She asks

"I'll try to get him to talk," I say trying to appear sure of myself.

"Wow...you're that desperate..." She says surprised but I can't tell if she means it as a good thing.

"Yeah...I really hope he doesn't hate me." I say hating that idea.

"I doubt he does. He probably went to another." She says nonchalantly and with a hint of annoyance.

"Rachel! You can't say that!" I say taken aback.

"Oh oops." She says with a small smile.

"I really hope I didn't do wrong by telling him that," I say concerned.

"You did what was right. I don't know why you're so desperate for a guy that his only goal is to get into your pants but all I know is that if he does care about you at least a little bit he should treat you better than that." She says annoyed but I know she just wants the best for me even if those words aren't the words I want to hear.

"I know...He's not a bad guy..." I say rattled by her words. I find it hard to accept reality, I just want to keep on hoping.

"You don't even know what type of guy he is. How can you know he didn't go at another behind your back?" She asks concerned and I know she's right but...

"I can't know for sure but...I trust him..."

"You trust him? The same guy that you claimed treated you like a toy?" She says in slight disbelief.

"Yeah...I do..." I say feeling horrible for that but I can't help but I want to trust Brandon. I want to believe he's not as bad as he seems.

"Fine, do what you want. If he really cares about you like you seem to say, he'll want to treat you better. He'll apologize." She huffs annoyed.

"I hope he will."

"If he doesn't then just know I told you." She says harshly but I ignore it.

"Yeah...thanks, Rachel..." I hug her back.

"You can trust me. I'll always have your back."

"And I'm glad you do." I smile reassured she's not mad at me.

"Me too,"

I'm actually glad I told Rachel about what happened. It feels liberating to have someone to talk to about and noave as a potential good friend.