Knox’s POV

There was a nagging in my brain. A little voice that’s whispered to me for so long now that it felt like normal.

This camp is full of criminals, it said. Surely you can find something here. There’s always a guy who can get you things.

The sun was barely up while I stared at the ceiling of my temporary home. Kayson was snoring, Maddox’s nose whistled with every breath he took, and my left eye began to twitch.

I had never shared a room before. Even while on tour, Tony made sure we got separate rooms. My room was always so quiet. There was no white noise, no fan in the background, no snoring, no whistling, just simple silence.

I missed my room.

Hit them with your fucking pillow and tell them to shut the fuck up, it seethed in my head. My hand twitched to the pillow but I forced it away.

I was the newcomer. It wasn’t fair for me to run the show after one night.

You’re Knox Beckett. They should be kissing the ground you walk on. You have the right to make them shut up.

I turned on my side and looked out the window, bringing the pillow up to cover my ear.

My fingers itched for a needle. I’ve always noticed the craving got worse when I was annoyed. Usually, it was after hours of idiotic interviews when the next person asked the same fucking questions as the last even though they were standing there when the question was asked. Or when we spent all day in the studio and my producer demanded just one more take before the song was perfect. Sometimes, when we spent hours at the gym and Tony kept repeating ‘one more set’ even though my arms were jelly and my legs shook.

I never thought something so little as an annoying sound while I was trying to sleep would get me to this level.

Ask Mary for something, the voice said. Just because Andrew is asexual doesn’t mean she is. She could easily get something and we wouldn’t even have to hide it from her. It would be so easy that way. 

My brain picked at the idea.

Andrew was obviously not going to be any help. His refusing me twice in a row made it clear he wasn’t a sexual person. The trick didn’t usually work on women though. From what I had seen, they tended to go for bigger, more muscular men with more experience who knew what to do with their tongues.

On top of that, I had never been fond of going down on women. Pleasuring a man was so much more fun than pleasuring a woman.

If she’ll get you something it would be worth it. You don’t have to do it often, just when you need help taking the edge off.

A loud snore echoed through the room and I couldn’t take it anymore. 

I threw the blankets off of me before slipping into a pair of flip-flops by the door. If the size was anything to go off of, they were Maddox’s but I didn’t have it in myself to care as I marched out the door, making sure to slam it as hard as I could on my way out.

My eyes were set on the office as I stomped through the dew-covered grass. To my surprise, a few people were already awake. They sat on blankets by the lake, watching the sun peak over the trees and paint the sky orange. Others wiped the sleep from their eyes with a basketball tucked under their arm as they sleepily chose teams for the first game of the day. A few simply sat near trees, choosing to watch rather than participate. A younger kid played the remains of last night's bonfire, looking for any coals he could use to start a new one before a guard sat down next to him with a lecturing glare on his face.

It wasn’t even time for breakfast yet and the camp was coming to life. These people were fucking weird.

The office was thankfully empty when I walked in but I could see Mary typing away on an old computer in her private office. 

I forced myself to stop, taking a deep breath, pulling my hoodie to the side so it draped off my shoulder, pulling the hem of my borrowed sweatpants down just a bit, and scrapping together an award-winning smile before walking into her office. 

“Knox,” she said with a wide smile. “Awake already?”

“Couldn’t sleep,” I shrugged as I placed my hands on her desk and leaned over it. “Turns out my roommates are quite loud.” She laughed lightly. 

“Somehow that doesn’t surprise me. Those two are always fighting about something. While you’re here, let’s go ahead and get your meds out of the way.”

“I was thinking we could do something else,” I teased, leaning over more so my forearms lay on his desk. She raised an eyebrow at me.

“Such as,” she asked, all amusement in her voice suddenly gone. I force myself to not grit my teeth. What is wrong with these fucking people? This should be working! It always works!

“Think of it as favors for favors,” I said with another easy smile that usually had women blushing. She did not seem impressed. 

“What favors exactly?” I allowed myself to calm down a bit. She was interested. I could work with this.

“Whatever you want,” I shrugged. Keeping things vague was something I learned early on. It allowed you to set the price after your end of the deal was done. 

Something like ‘Yeah I’ll suck your dick,’ and once it was over, ‘That just cost you three ounces.’ If I was lucky she was a fan and I could avoid going down on her. I might be able to get away with an autograph or a recorded message for an ounce.

She hummed. “And what would you be getting out of this?” I frowned. My plan was falling apart but my heart was beating out of my chest and all that was running through my head was a little vial filled with brown liquid and a needle.

“Depends on what you want. An autograph gets me a few milliliters. My fingers are worth an ounce, my tongue is worth two, but if you want my dick it’ll cost you-,”

“I will not entertain these thoughts,” she shot down with a shake of her head. “I don’t want you talking to anyone like this, especially about heroin or any other drug.” I didn’t bother hiding my glare as I stood at my full height.

“You could just give it to me and we could skip the dirty part. I was trying to make it worthwhile for you.”

“You will remain sober while in my care. If you feel like you can’t then we can always discuss rehab now that I don’t need your parent’s permission to send you there.”

“I don’t want rehab,” I seethed, the irritation getting worse with every word she said. “I want-,”

“If you don’t want rehab, I suggest you come take your medication and head down to breakfast,” she said with the same wide smile she had only seconds ago. My fists tightened at my sides.

“Just one ounce,” I said, hating the way my voice sounded more like a plea than a demand. “Hell, I’ll take a singular dose. I just want to sleep.”

My eyes stung. I hadn’t slept but a few hours the night before. The bed groaned with every toss I made and mixed with the sound of my roommates and the crickets outside, I’m lucky I was able to doze for the two hours I did.

Her eyes lit up as she understood. 

“We can help with that. If you had told me you needed something for sleep rather than drugs, we could have already wrapped up this conversation and you could be asleep.” She reached down to unlock a drawer in her desk before coming back up with a light sleeping aid.

“You’re fucking joking,” I scoffed. “You think melatonin is going to help me right now?”

“I think it will help more than a drug you almost died on,” she said with a sickly sweet smile. “If you talk to Andrew and tell him about any other symptoms you may have, he can get you prescribed medication to help. I’ll have to hold onto them for you but they would be yours when you needed them.”

Body slam her. Knock her out of the way and root through that drawer. Surely she has something better in there. I bat the thought away.   

My teeth grind against each other as I rip the melatonin off the desk along with the single pill she had lid next to it. She handed me a bottle of water and demanded to check under my tongue to make sure I actually took it.

“Your meds will help with the withdrawal,” she said softly. “It’s not a cure but it will help lessen the irritability, depression, and anxiety you might be feeling.”

“I’m not anxious or depressed,” I scoffed and she only shrugged. “And you’re the only reason I’m irritated.”

“That’s good. If you develop these feelings and the meds don’t seem to help, make sure to tell Andrew or myself so we can help. I also got your suitcase last night. Your parents dropped it off late and I was told you went to bed early but you can have it now.” She reached under her desk and pulled out the suitcase I had been using during this tour.

My heart jumped to my throat.

No one else knew about the back compartment I had made. Buried underneath a mountain of clothes was a rip in the fabric and under the rip was my stash. My hands itched for it but I knew I couldn’t make it too obvious as I reached for it.

I made my movements slow while taking it from her hands and forced myself to not run out the door the second I wrapped my hand around the handle.

My irritation came back when she pulled out a guitar. A note was taped to the strings I knew without having to open it the note was from Tony. The last thing I wanted was that fucking guitar.

“Thanks,” I forced myself to say as I turned from the office.

The second the door was closed I ran. I ran all the way to the cabin and the second I made it inside I ran for the bathroom. 

Kayson asked what the fuck was chasing me as I passed his bed and Maddox only watched me go as I slammed the door behind me.

My back pressed firmly against the door with no lock and my hands shook as I worked the zipper around the case. I dump the pile of clothes onto the bathroom floor and instinctively reach the rip that I’ve used time and time again. 

My blood runs cold when my fingers don’t meet a capped needle or small vial. Without thinking I rip the fabric more. It must have fallen deeper somehow. It had to be here.

In what felt like seconds, I had the entire inner lining of the suitcase ripped out, searching for any signs of where my stash had gone. My jaw clenched at the smug look on Mary’s face when she handed me the case.

That fucker went through my bag.

I forced myself to stand up, kicking the bag and its useless carcass as hard as I could against the wall with a scream.

When I force myself out of the bathroom Maddox looks like he wants to ask if I’m okay but simply looks away. Kayson is smirking at me with a knowing look.

“They took your stash didn’t they,” he said with a teasing smile. “I probably should have warned you that they would but you said you weren’t a druggy so I didn’t think I needed to.”

It took every ounce of willpower to not ram my fist through his face.