The ocean and West have become my two highlights every evening. The best parts of my days.

Everything is a little less painful when I see a lilac purple surf board cruising above me. I swim up to the surface and every time West gives me a big grin and calls out,

“Blue!”

Like I’m the best thing in the world. It’s a nice feeling.

I splash him with my tail and he laughs, wiping the water out of his eyes.

“Looks like someone woke up and choose violence today.” He splashes me back but I dodge it easily and he pouts. “You’re so unfair.”

I shrug.

“So, guess what! Remember that bakery I told you about? Well it just opened yesterday and let me tell you, best pastries I’ve ever had in my entire life!”

Can I try them someday?

I smile at his enthusiasm. All the wild hand motions and dramatic facial expressions that keep my full attention on him and his stories, leaving no room for any other thoughts.

That’s just the kind of guy West is. He’s captivating, exciting, warm. Kind of makes you feel like you’ve been best friends for years. He feels safe which is a foreign feeling for me. Something that I’m slowly growing addicted to.

“Maybe you’ll let me take you there someday?”

I want to. God, do I want to. But I’d feel bad. I can’t waste money right now which means West would have to pay for me. Plus I don’t even talk to him so I wouldn’t make very great company anyway.

I give him an uneasy smile and he seems to understand. He’s been learning how to read me better. Sometimes I think he can read my mind.

“No worries, Blue.” He grins.

West always says that. “No worries.” The way he says it makes it sound and feel believable when I’m with him. Like my pain won’t start all over again in the morning.

“So, do you like pastries?”

I nod.

He does this a lot too. Sometimes he’ll ask me a bunch of yes or no questions. Never pushing me to talk. He’s always happy with just a simple nod or shake of my head.

“How about coffee?”

I shake my head no.

“Tea?”

I nod.

“Really? Good to know. I’ll have to find out which one’s your favorite someday.”

See! No open answer questions. Ever. It’s so comfortable communicating with him. I don’t feel pressured to do anything I don’t want to when I’m with him. And he hasn’t asked me any siren related questions or if I can sing to him. Just stuff about- me. As a being with feelings and opinions.

 No one ever does that.

“Do you like music?”

I do a little motion with my hand to tell him “so so.”

“Kind of?”

I nod and put my pointer finger to my lips.

“Quiet music?”

I nod.

“Me too,” West smiles. “I like classical and soft jazz.”

I smile at the little thing we have in common.

West looks up at the sky, “ah. It’s getting late. I should head home soon. But first, I promised you I’d show you my skills, yeah? I had my first lesson today.”

I grinned at him and nodded my head, swimming back a bit. I had grown to trust him a little more and opted to hang on to his surf board most of the time now.

“So I haven’t conquered any waves yet but….” West stopped talking as he stuck his tongue out in concentration before smoothly standing up and balancing on the board. He turned to look at me with a proud grin and I smiled back at him and clapped my hands.

West did a clumsy bow before he lowered himself back into a sitting position.

"Unfortunately, that is all. I fear I may be a slow learner." West sighed.

I gave him an encouraging smile.

“I’ll see you tomorrow?” West asked, as he lied down on the board getting ready to paddle back.

I nodded and gave him a little wave.

“Good night, Blue.” He waves back and paddles back to shore. I watch him walk away until he disappears out of sight before I head back to shift and get dressed.

🌊🌊🌊

The second I open the door Harvey is in my face with a look of pity in his eyes.

Fear gripped me like vice.

I knew these few weeks of peace were too good to be true. I haven’t seen Reid since the day I met West. I knew he’d be planning something.

“Sir would like to see you. Now. I also need to collect your server uniform.”

I furrowed my brows in confusion but Harvey didn’t give anything away as he simply held out his hand. I reached into my bag and handed him the uniform.

🌊🌊🌊

I knocked on the door, still wearing my regular baggy clothes. I had no idea what to expect or how Reid expected me to be dressed.

“Come in.”

I stepped into the all too familiar room.

“Sammy, I’m glad to see you,” I could hear the smile in Reid’s voice. “I’ve been noticing you’ve been awfully tired during your morning shifts. There’s been some complaints about it as well.” He made his way to me.

I kept my eyes trained to the ground as he gently caressed my cheek with his rough hand.

“You aren’t treating customers with enough energy and you also don’t speak to them. It’s giving me a poor reputation,” he squeezed my jaw, “So, I’m firing you.”

My eyes widened and snapped up to him. What was this game?

The wicked smile on his face turned soft, “but I care too much about you to just leave you helpless like that. I’ll allow you to continue to perform but if you plan to pay off your debt you’ll need to do more than that.”

What's he playing? Would I have to be in videos? Will he sell me again?

My heart raced with all the awful possibilities.

“I’ve also missed you, Sammy. You’ve been running off every day before I can even see you. So, I thought that maybe we could spend time together in the mornings everyday instead. I’ll be nice and raise your pay too. What do you say?”

No.

No, no, no.

This can’t- I can’t- everyday?

I stared blankly down at the floor as my mind spiraled.

He’ll pay me more. I know enough to know that I don’t really have a choice. I can do this. I’ve been doing this since I was thirteen. What’s a few more years? Or maybe even months if I can pay off my debt sooner with the extra money.

And so, I did the inevitable and nodded numbly.

Reid leaned down and trailed kisses down my neck. I felt that wicked grin against my skin. Felt the imaginary leash he had on me tighten.

“Sing for me, Sammy.”

I can do it.

And that was it. I sang and my mind took me to that empty space. No thoughts, no emotions, no pain.

***

(Read on Wattpad)

***

I think I passed out at some point. Probably from lack of sleep and food. But the thought of not even knowing the extent of what just happened to me is both terrifying and liberating. 

I felt sticky and sore.

Dirty.

Unclean.

Used.

Reid was still here, running his hand up and down my side and over my stomach.

“You’ve gotten so thin, almost like a woman.” He said.

As shameful as this sounds I do try to look like a woman for him. That’s why I’ve grown out my hair. I can get away with not singing sometimes if he finds me pretty in the way a woman is. He won’t hurt me as much.

“Can I go now?” My voice sounded raw and unfamiliar.

“Sure. Go home for today, Sammy. You were very... vocal. There’s no way you’ll be able to sing tonight.” he ran his hand down my throat and I flinched away from him, thinking he’d choke me again. That only seemed to make him smile wider.

I wasted no time getting out of there before he changed his mind like he sometimes did.

Can’t swim right now. Too dirty.

As soon as I got home I stripped at the door, throwing my clothes away. I turned the shower on and got in immediately, the cold water didn’t even faze me. My sole focus was to be clean. I had an array of different flowery scented soups that I used to like but right now all they did was piss me off. They only make me think of Reid and his woman comments. How everything- even my appearance is influenced by him. I have nothing.

My mind still felt fuzzy and I don’t think I truly had real control of my body as I began.

I used the only non-scented soap and scrubbed my skin raw until I couldn’t feel his touch on me leaving only the raw, burning sensation.

The shower was now scalding hot but I didn’t seem to care. I sat on the floor hugging myself, my nails digging into my arms as I sobbed into my knees.

I have no idea how long I sat there but I’ll find out as soon as I get the water bill.

I didn’t go to the beach that day.

🌊🌊🌊

Staring up at the moon alone with a deep aching worry in my chest was not how I expected tonight to go.

Or any night for the past week for that matter.

I’ve been staying here until four in the morning every night which is long past the time we usually leave and he still hasn’t shown up.

I wish I knew where he lived or even knew his phone number so I could check up on him. Not to sound stalkerish but I walked around Riverstone trying to see if I could spot him anywhere but I came back with nothing but more worry.

I couldn’t even ask people if they knew him. I didn’t even know his name.

At this point I hoped I offended him and that’s why he isn’t coming here. I hope he hates me. Because that would be a better reason than him being dead in a ditch somewhere.

I looked down at my watch and sighed.

5:00 am

I lied down on my board and paddled back to shore.

Tomorrow.

He’ll be back tomorrow.

🌊🌊🌊

It’s been two weeks since I’ve had to see Reid every morning. I haven’t performed on stage since.

He’s been treating me so roughly that by the time he’s finished my voice is shot and I’m exhausted. My pay was supposed to be raised and it was but since I haven’t been performing it’s even less than what I was making before. I’m sure it was his plan all along. There’s no way he’d make it easier for me to slip out of his grasp quicker.

He always sends me home right after, saying I should get rest. And I do. I go home, shower, and cry myself to sleep. Sometimes I’m plagued by nightmares and I’ll just lie there until the sun rises again. I can’t bring myself to get out of bed anymore. What would I do anyway? Even after showering I still feel like I’m too dirty for the ocean. I’m too pathetic to be near West. He doesn’t need me. He’s probably relieved he doesn’t have to stay up late to meet me anymore.

What was I even thinking wasting so much of his time and giving him nothing in return.

Stupid.

Stupid.

Stupid.

I’m so stupid. This is all my fault. I should’ve died on that boardwalk. I should’ve frozen to death the night before. I shouldn’t have followed Reid home. I should’ve died. I should die.

You shouldn’t think like this.