Arc 1, Chapter 14

A Caged Bird in an Open Cage, Part 2

The Saintess

Content Warning:

Contains some references to abuse and child abuse. Please remember that this is fiction, and no part of the conversation within should be considered professional therapy or proper medical practice.

Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741

Doctor Mortona smiled encouragingly at me when I nodded.

“Alright. You are being very courageous. I need to ask you a little about what you’ve learned over the years. You have shared that you were told you were slow, and you had to learn to become a Saint. Different people taught you these things. What can you tell me about them?”

Kielan’s cold eyes flashed in my mind.

“I – well, you know how I was I was found late. Late for the Temple, that is. Before me, there was no Saint for years. I was baptized when I turned four, like everyone is, but I should have been tested sooner. The Temple had called for early baptisms when the previous Saint died, and my family refused.”

I did not know much about this, only what the Priests had told me. Really, the story was probably very well known throughout the Empire. I was not sure what version was told outside the Temple, though. My family deserved to be shamed for what they had done. Doctor Mortona showed no sign of anything other than attentiveness, though, so I could not be sure of their reputation.

“My family did not do their proper duty. But they still sent me to the Temple when I showed the proper resonance. And that meant I had to learn everything as quickly as possible, because there was no previous Saint left to continue serving while I studied.”

Selecting a Saint was a sacred process. Once a generation, in theory at least, a person is born who has perfect resonance with holy water: the Saint.

Resonance was essentially the ability to channel divine power from the Holy Water, but this divine power is a deadly force which burns most people. The innate resonance of everyone in the Empire is tested during baptism. All children are 'baptized' when they turn four years old, a ceremony that bestows Lumina's blessing. Without Lumina’s blessing, a person cannot be a true citizen; it is as good as a curse. During baptism, a diluted drop of Holy Water is dropped on the child's left wrist, leaving a small scar every citizen possesses throughout their lifetime. If the child has resonance, the Holy Water glows brighter on contact.

Priests usually have a weak resonance, and average people have almost none. When a Saint touched diluted holy water, they temporarily gain the power to heal others – though they cannot heal themselves – and they can give prophecies.

“The duty of the Saint had been left undone for a long time because of my parents, but even after I arrived, it still couldn’t – I couldn’t do it properly. Not soon enough.”

Without Saints, the Empire could not exist as it did. To hear the Kielan tell it within temple walls, it was the Temple, not the Emperor, who was the backbone of the Empire. The prophecies the Temple provided guides the Emperor and Empress, particularly in the defense of the Empire from demon incursions by predicting the locations and timing of these incursions.

All that said, when the Empire had been without any Saint for years, disaster had reigned. The Temple’s influence had faltered. All because I was late. And a fake.

“If I had learned faster once I was found, things would have been very different for those years. When Kielan started teaching me, things had already gotten out of hand. Incursions were unpredictable and I had barely learned to give even an unclear prophecy in two years.”

“When you were six? That’s when Priest Kielan took over teaching you?”

“I should have learned faster.” I paused. I could not explain that the problem was more than just me being slow – I was also incomplete. I could not remember, but since a new, true Saint was destined to appear, I could only assume my resonance was too weak from the start. The Temple had made a mistake somehow, or I had just seemed to have perfect resonance during baptism and then lost it. In any case, I had never been able to channel full power without greater contact with Holy Water.

“They had to use more Holy Water for me to learn properly. And I needed to teach myself a lot about the world to understand what the prophecies showed me, but incursions happened in places I had not read about yet all the time. By the time I was ten, I was a bit better, but I still needed a lot of help.”

The scars on my back ached.

It was shortly after I had finally begun to do the bare minimum of my duty properly that I had my first half-visions, and I foresaw the coming of the true Saint. It all made sense once I learned I was in fact incomplete. It had been almost a relief to know I never could have and never would be able to do everything I owed the Empire as a Saint, because I was incorrectly chosen to begin with.

I could not tell Doctor Mortona that, no matter how much I wanted to. I should not trust her as much as I already did. If I wanted my freedom, if I really wanted to give up my duty to someone else and live for myself someday, I needed to be very careful until the true Saint arrived.

Doctor Mortona’s expression had flickered a bit for the first time before she nodded.

“I think we can stop here, then. You have shared a great deal, and that took a lot of strength.”

I had no idea what to say to that. From my perspective, the entire conversation was the opposite. I had grown weak, my restraint melting away with the warmth of her kindness, and I had shared far too much.

“I need you to do something for me until we meet again. It shouldn’t be too hard, but it is very important.”

I got the sense she was lying about how hard it would be, but I found myself nodding anyway. Smiling, Doctor Mortona continued.

“I need you to remind yourself of your name. I need you to remind yourself that you, yourself, are enough as you are, and that you have the right to be healthy and safe and happy. I need you to remind yourself that even if you do not believe this now, and even if people tell you otherwise, I am your doctor, and I am going to help you heal until you do believe it. Can you do that?”

I stared at her blankly.

“And maybe,” she continued when I did not reply, “You can consider if you would someday do me the honor of trusting me with your name.”

I could not reply, but I did not need to.

After that, she gave me a few more bits of advice, and instructions for treatment. Her definition of treatment did not exactly fit mine, but I was growing used to that disconnect. She gave me a small blank notebook, asking me to try and write one sentence every day. When I asked her what about, she simple said, “You decide.”

The doctor reminded me again that I had no obligation to share any details about my ‘physical, psychological and emotional health’ with anyone, unless I was in danger or unless it was regarding a few specific parts of my treatment. One such part was the tonic she said I should continue drinking, a nutritional plan, and her ‘professional assessment’ that I was not strong enough to be exposed to Holy Water again for at least a month. All of these would apparently be communicated to others. I was not sure exactly who that would be besides Emilia, but I nodded as though I understood.

Before she left, Doctor Mortona also gave me some other herbal medicines and various pills for me to manage on my own for various symptoms. The information was enough to make my head spin, but before I could plead exhaustion and admit I would not be able to remember it all, she started writing it all out for me in a clear, concise script.

“Here you are, dear.” She moved brusquely, pulling a small lacquered wooden box from her bag and arranging various bottles and packets inside with the notes. Everything was clearly labeled, and it smelled refreshing, like what I had always imagined a tea shop might smell like.

I held the box in my lap when she stepped out to get someone -Emilia? She had said, but I did not register her words – and stroked the smooth wood absently. There was something soothing about its weight in my lap. The box even had a lock. I could not help but stare at the key on my bedside table. It glimmered faintly, proof that the box and my conversation with Doctor Mortona was mine; private, secure, and mine.

“Saintess, how are you feeling?” Emilia rushed in, her hair slightly wet from the still-pouring rain. Trailing after her were Princess Rhiannon, Captain Oesten, and the doctor. A week ago, this would have been perhaps the strangest collection of people I could have imagined at my bedside. And yet, here we all were, huddled together in a tent. Perhaps none of this was real after all? Had my mind broken after the last Ceremony?

“Saintess?” Emilia’s voice was almost plaintive, and I shook off my reverie.

“Oh. Umm.” I glanced at the Princess and past her to Captain Oesten’s stoic expression. How was I feeling?

Confused.

“Better,” I said faintly.

I was surprised when it was Captain Oesten who spoke next.

“Good. We will leave for Corfin at dawn tomorrow to meet the rest of the Second Company.” I could not interpret his tone, but I could only imagine he was frustrated. A sickly Saintess could hardly be the ally he had hoped for when he had come to the Temple.

Princess Rhiannon rolled her eyes lightly.

“And it is there I will leave you, Saintess. I would prefer to let you rest longer, as I am sure the uptight man beside me would, but since time is limited I need to speak with you about the Temple before I go. As much as you helped us when we spoke with the High Priest, we have yet to discuss our goals with you, or hear yours.”

Too much. This was all too much, all at once. My emotions were raw and I was suddenly very, very hungry. Before I had to do something extreme like try to gently refuse the First Princess of the Empire and probably start bawling in the process, Captain Oesten moved abruptly forward.

“This was a mistake.” He grasped Princess Rhiannon’s arm gently, pulling her back. My stomach dropped. What was a mistake? Everything? Me?

“I agree.” Doctor Mortona spoke up, her voice firm. “Food first, and some rest. Then politics. Rhia, I told you only if she was ready.”

Princess Rhiannon looked at me, seemingly about to object, but she quickly sighed instead. “I apologize. You have already given us a great deal by offering your prophecy, and here I am demanding more so soon afterward. I beg your understanding. Circumstances are not in our favor.”

“Rhia, I said politics later. You can argue your case to her when she has the capacity to hear and understand it. And as your doctor, I insist you rest as well, you foolish girl. It’s been days since you slept, and I can tell you’ve had coffee again, even though I told you not to…”

Doctor Mortona’s voice faded as she ushered the princess out of my tent. Captain Oesten followed them, his dark eyes lingering on me briefly as though he had something to say, but he left in silence.

“Goddess,” Emilia sighed heavily, startling me. I had not noticed she had stayed. “I have no idea what’s going on.”

She left, muttering something about food and new rules and Doctor Mortona’s nutrition plan, and I fell back on the bed, repeating her words to myself.

“I have no idea what’s going on.”