Jeremy
"You look like crap," Asa said as she handed me a cup of coffee. "What's wrong with you?" She gave me a sympathetic look before petting me like an animal.
I shook off her hand before slumping down on the green couch in her office. "What happened to Good Morning?" I asked sarcastically as I took a sip of the coffee that is always too bitter. Even after all these years, she still makes the worst coffee. I don't have the heart to tell her that it's bad though.
She chuckled, as she sat down at her desk. "Did you look in the mirror before you left? You look like you got out of bed and came directly to work. That's very unlike you, Mr. Well-put-together."
I took our my phone and opened the front camera to a disorderly image of myself. I did look ridiculous, but that was besides the point.
I wasn’t prepared for the immediate shift when Donovan returned. After seeing him that day, everything hit me like a rock. The weight of everything has been overwhelming, and I’m struggling to process it. The sleepless nights have been the worst part, and I can’t shake the feeling that it will only get worse.
It hurts because I can’t shake the thought that all the work I’ve put into improving myself might be going to waste.
I spiral every time I see him, especially when he doesn’t acknowledge me. Speaking to him that night took everything out of me. For a brief moment, when he responded, I felt a spark of hope—but it was quickly extinguished when he blatantly ignored me again.
I couldn't get upset with him. I didn't have a right. Instead, I went back to my apartment and I cried until I had no tears left. I cried for him, for myself, and for the future together that would never exist.
As always I was so caught up in my thoughts, that I didn't notice that Asa was peering at me with much interest.
"So... Donovan's back. He's been back for like two weeks now."
"Two weeks!" she said in bewilderment. "Why am I only hearing about this now?" Her raised eyebrows were telling me that she was becoming more intrigued by the second.
"I wasn't sure how to bring it up," I muttered feeling embarrassed.
"Well, you could have started by saying that the love of your life is back."
"He's not the love of my life ... well not anymore."
She scoffed as she took a sip of her coffee. She smoothed her hair out of her face as she chuckled at me as if I was saying the most absurd thing she had ever heard. "You're such a liar. You made such an ugly face when you said it."
"Don't be rude."
She cackled as she came to sit beside me. "Honestly though... how are you feeling?"
"I feel guilty. You know, I hurt him. The last time we spoke, he was so angry. I feel bad that anger was the last emotion he could associate me with."
"That's ... fair. How did you feel when you first saw him?"
"The thing is, I don't think I was supposed to see him. My phone had died, so I didn't get all the texts from my family warning me that he was at the house. I knew he was coming back. I just didn't think that I would see him so soon. I guess his reaction mirrored mine. We both looked like we had seen a ghost." I placed the nasty coffee on the table as I tried to make the couch swallow my lanky frame.
The look of pity on her face resembled the look my parents had been giving me for years. I hate being pitied, but what was there to feel towards my situation? I can admit that I am not the person I used to be, in many different ways. I've been taking therapy seriously by attending all my sessions. I've been taking my medication and I have been working on becoming a better person.
I used to act on impulse, aggressively even when it wasn’t needed. I didn’t care about the words I chose, or how I spoke to people. I was reckless, moving too fast without thinking, and it always got me into trouble. I'm still confused when I think about what Donovan saw in me and why he was so persistent in staying with me.
"How does he look?"
"I mean... he looks different."
I knew about the changes to his appearance because of Amari and Rory. Any time he uploaded a new picture to Instagram they would alert me. They even bragged about how good it was to see him in person when they visited him last year.
The pictures and their descriptions didn't capture how amazing he looked in real life. He still had his typical shy disposition with other familiarities. Like the way he would cover his mouth when he laughed or roll his eyes at hearing something silly.
There were some small changes, like him getting his ears pierced and the way he did his eyebrows. Then, there were the big changes like him growing out his hair. When I first saw him, his hair was in shoulder-length plaits. Every time, I saw him, they would be styled differently. I tried my best not to stare at him, but it was difficult not to.
He also gained weight. I wasn't sure if it was a good thing or not, remembering how self-conscious he was, but I liked it. I think I would like him no matter what.
Donovan grew into everything that I imagined. He still walked like a dancer, with a sensuality that made you want to look at him. His plump lips were pouty during the entire dinner. I did notice him stealing glances at me, but I'm sure it was because I looked awkward or something.
"... and now you have that love-struck look on your face. You have to spill. Different how?"
"Different in a good way. I'm still attracted to him. You know, I've never given anyone else space to even get to know me, so it was obvious that all the feelings that I had for him would still make me interested in him."
Asa, my coworker/friend/the current bane of my existence smiled at me reminiscent of the Grinch.
"I'm glad that you're admitting that you haven't been receptive to people wanting to get to know you."
"It's not like I wasn't - "
She scoffed and peered at me in unbelief. "I've tried setting you up with several people. You'd humor me by going on the date and then ghost them."
"I wasn't compatible with any of those people. They were all too forward. I was upfront about my demisexuality. I told them that we would have to take things slow, but they all made me feel like I was playing too hard to get. Sometimes, I wished I could have one-night stands. I would probably not be as stressed as I am right now," I muttered in frustration.
"Sex must be a great stress reliever. I would not know - but I don't think one-night stands would do any of us any good. Let's get back to the topic. Donovan is back. You're losing it because he has gotten hotter and you're panicking because you don't know how to approach him. Am I right?"
I severely rolled my eyes at her as I placed my face in my hands. "Yes and no? I really can't stand you," I groaned out as if it made me painfully aware of how ridiculous this might sound.
"I'm just saying. The only time I have met him, he was so smitten with you. I mean, when he looked at you, he had little stars in his eyes. When you appeared he was like "This is my boyfriend" in the sweetest voice ever. He was so happy to give you that title. I'm sure you were in your head a lot, but from an outside perspective, he was so in love with you."
"That's funny. I don't think I told you this, but he was so captivated by you. He kept saying how beautiful you were and that he was so in love with you,"
Asa blushed. "How sweet. Everything that I've heard about him has been so positive."
"I think he was being too kind," I teased as I stuck my tongue out at her.
"Please. I know I look good," she said as she winked at me.
She was pretty. My favorite thing about her was that she changed her hair often. She always looked stylish. She always says something about stepping on necks. I don't know what it means but I always encourage her.
I'm just glad that she's at a place where she can say how good she looks. Working at this place has brought us closer than I would have thought when I first met her all those years ago.
There have been extreme highs, where we would make breakthroughs with our targets. Then we would have the extreme lows, where people would want to physically hurt us or deny us the funding we needed.
Asa has been the executive director for a year now and I've seen the toll it has been taking on her mentally. Nobody at the foundation could fill her shoes. She protects us the best that she can and sometimes, that leads her to neglect herself.
When we get hate, she tries to cover it up the best way that she can. She tries to shield the kids, but sometimes it's a losing battle. There's only so much we can do to change the perception of the people here.
"So yeah, that's my life right now. Living with regrets every day."
"You are who you are because of what you went through. Don't forget that. Stop thinking of scenarios that have never happened. Unless you have spoken to Donovan, there's no reason for you to say all these things about him. You have to take care of yourself. Go wash your face. There's some gel in the cupboard. Fix your hair please and thank you."
🤍
"I emailed everyone the agenda on Monday. If you did not get to take a look, a printout has been placed in the folder in front of you. Each speaker will have twenty minutes to share information about their current tasks. Please save questions for after the speaker is done presenting. This will be happening moving forward to avoid misdirection," East, one of our project managers stated. She took her job seriously and usually scolded me for not being organized.
I did not look at my email, so I know she made the copies just for me. Thankfully, I did not have to give a presentation today. That meant that I had to be responsible enough to listen to all presentations with all the focus I could gather.
One part of my job that I struggled with the most was moments like this. They make me restless when I don't have an active part. I tried not to look at my phone or use my laptop while someone was busy talking, but it was difficult especially when all I could think about was how much of a failure I was.
Which didn't make sense because I have achieved so much.
Feelings like guilt and remorse swarmed around me like fresh smoke.
I took a deep breath as I tried to tune in to what Flor, our Educational Outreach Coordinator was saying.
"Most schools are adamant, as always. Admin and most teachers are receptive at best, but our biggest issue is the boards. They're not budging at all. They think we're trying to indoctrinate the students. I've told them many times that we aren't coming to the schools to preach. We're explaining what we do, what we offer, and how we want to grow."
Having been a teacher for a few years, they quit and officially joined our team two years ago. I remember meeting Flor and East on the same night that I met Asa. They were both volunteers at the time.
I remember being introduced to the word "nonbinary" back then and told Flor I was happy that they were nonbinary. Even today, I'm still made fun of because of it.
"Right now, we have two interested high schools. They are fully committed to us coming and doing the workshops. It's gonna take some time but I made a schedule so that we get to reach every single class. I've already grouped everyone up to make it simple. For example, Asa and Stella will be working with the first formers at Elizabeth Hawthrone Academy. Whereas Jeremy and Ashton will be working with the fifth formers."
I perked up as I heard my name. Confused about why I would be placed with working with the seniors, the toughest of them all. I wasn't sure if that was a good decision. I was about to say something when I noticed Asa give me a pointed look. I instantly stopped as I remembered I couldn't interrupt.
It's not like I hadn't done workshops before. We successfully finished one last Spring with another school. I had the third-formers though. There were homophobic comments, tears, coming outs, and lots of stress.
"Alright, next we will have Ashton who will be informing us about the next fundraising activities that we'll be having as well as potential donors."
I even missed my chance to voice my opinion because my brain has been so scattered.
A voice in the back of my mind never stopped reminding me that I was the cause of all my problems and that I deserved to suffer. Now that Donovan was back, it felt like my past had returned to haunt me.
He must hate me.
I ruined him.
He must be so traumatized.
But was that true?
I gently rubbed my hands together and evaluated everything my mind was telling me. Maybe, he does hate me. Maybe he doesn't. But just like Asa said, there is a chance for him to see that I have grown … if he's willing. I made mistakes, but I have grown. People can change. I have changed and there is time to fix the damage I had done.
Right?
Right?
Right.
I confirmed.
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