Trigger warning
Depression and Suicide

Donovan 

Dinner went by without any hiccups. The conversation flowed well and I was able to catch up with everyone in my own way. I felt somewhat nauseous being back here because I had had no contact with Jeremy and his entire family. When his mother engulfed me in a hug upon seeing me, I lost it all. Besides, my family, they were all I had back then. They welcomed me with open arms and included me in everything. It felt like a second home.

There was a lot of banter between Rory and Amari and I could still tell that Rory was as smitten as he was a few years ago. Now, it's even worse. He gives Amari anything they want. I wonder if he even realized it.

As I ate the last piece of pie, we all paused when we heard someone enter the house. "Sorry, I'm late," they called out as they walked into the dining room. 

Jeremy walked in, his confident stride faltering the moment our eyes met. His face, lively seconds ago, turned pale, as though he’d seen a ghost. My stomach twisted, the realization hitting me like a punch—I wasn’t supposed to be here, or at least, he hadn’t been warned. The room seemed to hold its breath as we both froze, trapped in the awkward tension of our reunion.

"We tried calling you," his dad said with a sympathetic look on his face. 

Our parents exchanged worried glances, his mother hesitantly approaching him.

"My phone died," Jeremy murmured with his eyes looking everywhere, but at me.

 "Will you be staying for dinner?" she asked, pulling him into a quick hug.

"It's basically over," Rory interrupted with a shrug. His mother glared at him.

Jeremy hesitated, his gaze darting nervously around the room. "I feel like I should leave," he said, his voice barely above a whisper.

A sick, twisted part of me was relieved to see him. I felt a flicker of hope in the depths of my heart, clinging on to what once was, even if it looked like just being in the same room was physically painful for him.

I had spent countless nights imagining this moment—what it would be like when we finally saw each other again. Would I throw myself into his arms? Would he rush to me, or would we pretend we didn’t know each other at all?

I used the moment to study him, taking in every detail. His hair was longer than I remembered, falling messily around his face, making him look younger than before. His shirt clung a little tighter than I remembered, outlining the muscle he’d put on since the last time I saw him. He looked... good. A lot better than I felt. He wore a simple green polo, dress pants, and somehow—despite the awkwardness—he managed to pull it off. The green brought out his eyes, and for a brief moment, I forgot how much I missed those eyes.

"You don’t need to leave," Ms. Elizabeth offered, her voice warm. "We were finishing up. Want me to make you a plate?" She gestured toward the empty seat beside me.

Before he could answer, I noticed Rory and Amari whispering furiously, their heads close together, stifling giggles. They shifted their attention to Jeremy when they realized where he would have to sit. I shot them a warning glance, but they ignored me.

"Time to be a big boy," Rory teased, a grin tugging at the corners of his mouth.

Jeremy shot him a glare, his cheeks flushed with frustration. Amari stood and slid into the seat beside me, tossing a wink at Jeremy. "Jeremy, don’t ever say I haven’t done anything for you in life," they said, their voice laced with mock sincerity. Jeremy’s eyes narrowed, the muscles in his jaw tightening.

I couldn’t believe they were openly teasing him like this in front of everyone. Our parents seemed oblivious, caught up in their own worlds, completely missing the tension building at the table. 

He sat down heavily as if the weight of the world rested on his shoulders. Burying his face in his hands, he let out a strained breath. I averted my gaze, hoping not to add to the tension in the room.

“How was work?” his dad asked, handing him a bottle of water.

Jeremy cleared his throat, still avoiding eye contact with me. “It was fine. We’re still struggling to get donors, which has been stressful. But we’re not giving up. On the bright side, the owners of the new restaurant in Friarsburg want me to landscape their space. I’ll be starting that job soon. I could use some help, but I’ll figure it out.”

“Uh, hello? We’re sitting right here,” Rory said, perplexed. “You know we could use the extra money.”

Jeremy snorted but didn’t respond, taking a sip of his water instead.

“That’s great,” his dad said.

"I got caught up at the youth center. We're organizing a fundraiser for Stella and Ashton. There's a workshop that will be held abroad about inclusivity and how to integrate it in a culturally sensitive way." He pinched his nose as he continued. "There was another case of vandalization last week and we're barely hanging in there." 

Jeremy had been rubbing his thigh in circles from the moment he sat down. It was obvious that he was doing it, but nobody seemed to react. That level of comfort warmed my heart and me feel happy. Even in an uncomfortable situation, he still felt safe to soothe himself. 

"Hmm. When are guys coming to set up the security cameras?" My dad asked.

Jeremy glanced at me quickly before he gazed at my dad. "When they realized that it was for the center, they said they would not be coming. We had already signed a contract and paid some money for their services for a year. They legitimately gave us back the money and returned the contract with a void stamp. Right now, I'm trying to figure out how to set it up myself."

The outrage on my dad’s face mirrored my own. “That’s ridiculous,” he said, his voice rising slightly. “You shouldn’t have to deal with this alone. Let me make a few calls tomorrow.”

As their conversation continued, I realized how out of place I felt. I had missed so much. Seeing my dad, Jeremy, and his dad talking together—it seemed absurd. I never expected them to be this close. The casual small talk felt so domesticated. I felt like I didn’t belong here.

                                                                                🌘

After dinner, the room emptied as everyone moved to other parts of the house.

Ms. Elizabeth stepped out into the backyard to have some tea and I followed her, craving a moment of quiet after the emotionally charged evening. The crisp night air was a welcome change, cooling my flushed cheeks as I joined her on the wooden steps. I could feel Jeremy’s eyes on me, but I didn’t have the strength to meet his gaze. It was like we were playing a silent game of avoidance, both of us too afraid to face each other, resorting to stealing glances when we thought the other wasn’t looking.

I found myself recalling the first time I visited him. We’d rolled around, spraying each other with water, laughing until our sides hurt. I’d baked a cake for him, and he’d devoured it, his spirits visibly lifted by my presence. We fell asleep on his bed. Back then, he had held me like he never wanted to let me go. Yet, he let me go.

Therapy can do so much until you're in the situation that you had been preparing for. There were several options that I had today. I chose to come here and now I have to be in a situation that's out of my control. I guess these are the consequences of not trusting my intuition. 

"I'm glad that you're here," she starts with a smile. "We are all so proud of you."

When I left, the only people I spoke to were my parents. I had blocked Jeremy and his entire family. I felt guilty all the time, especially when I found out that his mom had been trying to get in contact with me.

"I'm sorry for blocking you," I blurted out as tears welled in my eyes. "You were so good to me. So accepting of me. I was just scared, and I didn't think that it would matter because I hurt Jeremy. There was no thought in my mind that you would still want to be in contact with me."

She gently squeezed my shoulder. "Jeremy was severely depressed. What could you, as a teenager, have done to save him?"

"I should have told you sooner what had occurred. That day... could have been his last. I was so caught up in my thoughts and feelings, that I didn't look at the bigger picture."

The soft smile on her face did not aid me in feeling better. If anything, it added to my uneasiness. "He didn't die that day. We got him the help that he needed. When you chose not to contact us anymore, I felt sad when I realized what had happened, but that was it—sadness. I couldn’t have had any expectations for you."

My chest tightened as the words spilled out before I could stop them. Tears blurred my vision, and I slumped forward, surrendering to the weight of emotions I’d kept bottled up. "I just feel so... guilty," I whispered, my voice cracking under the strain.

She rubbed my shoulder softly and took the cup from my hand. "Don't worry about the past."

"I'm so happy for all the love he gave to me. Even now, I still can't let him go. " I hastily wiped my tears and nose. 

The chuckle she let out did not have a tinge of humor. "You poor thing."

"This is so embarrassing." 

"Let me grab some tissues—they’re right under the table." She gently eased me off her shoulder and handed me a soft glow lit up the backyard, revealing beautiful flowers arranged in neat rows, perfectly trimmed hedges, and carefully placed stones that gave the space an almost magical feel.

I hadn’t realized how stunning it looked. When I arrived, I noticed the renovated front porch and how much more polished everything seemed, but in my haste to escape earlier, I hadn’t paid attention to the backyard. It was just as breathtaking.

She sat back down beside me, cradling her tea as she gestured toward the yard. "Jeremy did most of this, you know. Every flower, every stone—he planned it all. It’s been his little project over the past few years. I think it gives him peace."

I stared at the landscape, admiring its quiet beauty. The meticulous care that went into landscaping this area, is reflected in the way that Jeremy now presents himself.

“It’s... really impressive,” I murmured.

She smiled gently. "He has a good eye, doesn’t he? And the patience too. He doesn’t rush anything when it comes to this yard. You should’ve seen him out here in the early mornings, sometimes before the sun was even up."

I hesitated, running my fingers along the rim of my cup. The words were bubbling up inside me, but it was hard to find the courage to say them. Finally, I blurted, "He looks really good."

Ms. Elizabeth turned to me, her expression warm but curious.

I looked down, feeling my face heat up. "I mean... better than the last time I saw him. He seems healthier. Is he... happy?"

She took a long sip of her tea, setting the cup down before speaking. "Happiness is a complicated thing, Donovan. He’s had his struggles, but he’s in a better place now. I think this—working in the yard, helping others, staying busy—it’s been good for him. And having people around who care about him makes a difference too."

I nodded, my chest tightening. “I am happy to see that he is healthy and doing better, but I used to feel left out. Why couldn't I get this Jeremy? Why did we have to end things like that? Do you think if we had stayed friends, things would have been different?"

I felt pitiful asking the question, but I just wanted to hear what she had to say. It's not like I would ever ask Jeremy this. "You can't help who you fall in love with. I don't think it would have ever been possible for the two of you to be friends. From the first time I saw the two of you together, I just knew that you were going to change everything - and you did. Even if it happened in short bursts, you made him so happy. You ignited a flame in him that I barely ever got to see."

"But it wasn't enough," I said bitterly. "For two years I relived the moment on the pier. I kept giving him solutions for everything that he told me until I realized that nothing mattered. He had already made up his mind. My future didn't need him anymore. I was so blinded by my youthful love for him, that I didn't realize that he was spiraling. I feel like I didn't know enough about him and his condition. I went about things based on my previous knowledge and the bits and pieces that he told me.

I think it was Amari - They sent me an Instagram link. I never used social media before but I made an account out of curiosity. The link led me to Jeremy's account. As I scrolled through the pictures that he posted of himself and his daily life, I felt myself grow more bitter with each new photo I saw. I wanted to be a part of it and he pushed me away - Well that's how I used to feel."

"And now? How do you feel now?"

"Now, I'm not as selfish... I can look at the bigger picture. He overcame so many obstacles to even be here today. I am proud of him and I'm happy for all of the moments I had with him." 

She reached out and touched my hand lightly. “I'm sure you're not the only person that feels this way."

Her words sounded too hopeful. I wasn't sure if she was trying to flatter me by saying that my presence was helpful. The panicked look he gave me, made me feel anything but that.

"There is no rush," she added quickly. "If you want to rebuild your relationship, I would be more than happy to see it happen. Yet, I feel like I can't think selfishly. I just want you to be kind to yourself."

Her words lingered in the air. Even now, I still struggle with that.

"Come on, let's go inside. It's getting late and I think you have some unpacking to do." 

"Right..." I stood up and hugged her tightly again. "Thank you."

When we got inside, everyone was standing in the living room. My parents looked like they were ready to leave, while Jeremy's dad excused himself to use the restroom. Apparently, Amari was staying over, so they were just waiting for me. 

Ms. Elizabeth walked to the kitchen to set the cups down. Upon her return, she gave Jeremy a soft kiss on his cheek and told him to drive safely. This confirmed that he did not live with them anymore. I wondered if he lived somewhere with a possible partner. For some reason, that scared me.

My dad confirmed with Jeremy that he would be in contact with him about the cameras and gave him a firm handshake. My mother offered him a smile before walking out of the house.

Jeremy lingered by the doorway, peering at me, his hand gripping the frame as though steadying himself. I hesitated, unsure if I should approach him or give him space.

Finally, he turned to me, his eyes briefly meeting mine before looking away. “It was good to see you, Don,” he said quietly.

“You too,” I replied as my heart clenched.

He nodded once, then stepped out onto the porch. Through the window, I watched him pause at the edge of the driveway, his hand clenching and unclenching at his side. As he walked away, I could feel the weight of his gaze on me, even after he disappeared into the night.