There’s only one thing left to try – we’ve gotta steal everybody’s music.  You’ve gotta grab all the parts from their stands before they can finish.  Maybe if we take away their notes, they’ll have nothing left to play.

            Let’s start with the low strings; it looks like they’re using their big instruments to play defensively.  Each of the cellos has a two-foot metal spike at the end, keeping everyone else at bay.  A trumpet player tried to charge them and got a nasty bruise to the ribs.  But they’re only defended from the front, so we can slip in behind if we wait until they’re distracted.

Okay, move carefully.  It looks like the other instruments have given up on frontal assault and switched to an aerial bombardment.  Everybody’s chucking stuff in our direction – spit rags, rosin cakes, empty cases.  A second violin that just smashed against the wall behind us.  The cellos are getting pretty beaten up, so let’s hide in the back with the bassist. She’s just using her instrument as a shield.

Man, a double bass provides great protection!  It’s like a giant musical fortress.  It’s a pity that they’re so big and hard to move.  Otherwise, this one would come in handy as we make our way around the rest of the room.[1]

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[1] I CAN HELP WITH THAT!  JUST GIVE ME A SECOND TO ADJUST MY SHOELACES.

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Wait, what is Cornelius doing?[2]

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[2] I AM TYING MY LACES INTO A BOW!  HAVE YOU EVER TRIED PLAYING A BASS WITHOUT A BOW?  IT’S THE PIZZ!

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Cornelius is playing something.  What is he playing? [3]

Cornelius’s First Song:

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[3] I AM PLAYING A WALKING BASS PART.

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            Okay, now the bass is moving on its own!  Cornelius, buddy, whatever you’re doing, keep it up!

Kid, crouch behind that bass and let’s keep going.  Don’t worry about bass player girl –she ran away as soon as Cornelius started playing.  I guess she’s never seen a shoe play an instrument before. [4]

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[4] SHE IS JUST JEALOUS.

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Hold up a second.  The woodwind players have turned on each other.  They’re gripping their instruments like baseball bats and swinging wildly at anything that gets close.  Flute girl just took a whack at our bass, and I see a clarinetist moving in behind her.  It’s gonna be hard to get to their music stands before things thin out.

Actually, forget them – the real threat is that guy behind them with the huge wooden pipe thing.  That thing’s gotta be at least four feet long![5]  That guy’s just tearing into everyone.  He just took nose flute girl down, and clarinet guy fell soon after.  Their instruments were strong, but they just couldn’t compete with his reach.  There’s no way we can take him on.  We’ll have to come back to the wind section later.

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[5] THAT IS A BASSOON.  IT IS VERY LOW.  IT GOES, “BWOOP, BWOOP, BWOOP.”  EXCEPT TODAY IT GOES, “THWOMP, THWACK, CRUNCH,” INSTEAD.

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            Never mind!  The remaining flute player just engaged him, her nose still bloody from the first flutist’s attack.  She’s parried his massive blows, using her music stand like a staff.  Now they’re twirling around each other, ducking and weaving in a full-blown instrument-vs.-music stand swordfight.  We can slip in and grab their parts as long as we don’t get in their way.

            Watch out!  Third airborne violin incoming!  Take cover behind the walking bass!

            You know what’s crazy?  Even with all the chaos, the violins are going right on playing.  I guess it makes sense; the violence won’t stop until they do.

            Actually, I’m confused.  If the violinists are all still playing their instruments, what has everyone been throwing?[6]

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[6] VIOLAS.  NOBODY EVEN NOTICED WHEN THEY STOPPED PLAYING.

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            Oh, no.  That percussion girl is straight ahead of us, and it looks like she’s locked eyes.  Watch out, kid, she’s dangerous.  Her whole job in the orchestra is to hit things hard and to hit things fast.  She took out two of those tuba guys while we were distracted by the swordfight.  There’s no way we can stand up to her, even using our bass for cover.

            But the surviving brass instruments are cooking up a scheme.  See?  That trombone girl has positioned herself between us and percussion girl.  Now she’s jabbing and feinting with her long trombone slide, keeping percussion girl at bay so the tubas can run away.  When you think about it, the tuba is a beautiful instrument with a gentle soul, one that’s clearly too pure for this level of savagery.[7]

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[7] AGAIN, THOSE ARE FRENCH HOR – YOU KNOW WHAT?  NEVER MIND.  CORDELIA CAN BE KIND OF AN IDIOT.

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            And is that what I think it is?  It looks like – yes, a trumpet player has slipped in right behind percussionist girl and he’s put the bell of his instrument next to her ear.  With one sharp blast of sound, he’s laid her out, stunned.  Man, that looked brutal.  Hopefully there’s no permanent hearing loss.  Quick, kid – grab his sheet music before he turns his instrument on us!

            Okay, now all that’s left is the violin section.  This shouldn’t be too bad – after all, they’re all busy playing.  But be ready for anything.  Let’s start in the back and work our way forward.  Just ignore the rest of the orchestra.  We’ve taken their music, but there are still people trying to bite and scratch each other.  The music gets quieter with each part we take, but I think we’ll have to collect everything before we achieve a full stop to the violins.

            Right.  That’s the last of the second violin parts.  Now people are just halfheartedly elbowing each other.  So that’s progress, I guess, right?  Still, I feel really bad about the chaos we caused.  I mean, just look at everyone, all crazed and befuddled – their music gone, their instruments smashed and dented.  And that’s not even counting the players sprawled out across the floor.  Most of them have no clue what just happened.  They’ll probably never know.  

Paranomasia is like that sometimes, which is what makes it so dangerous when it misfires.  There’s nothing quite as terrible as a pun that goes wrong.

            Okay, we finally have all the music.  Let’s get back to the podium.  It looks like the violins have stopped playing, and nobody’s trying to attack each other anymore.  The whole class is just sitting in a dazed stupor.  So, I guess we can call this a win?  Should we slip out the door before anyone comes to their senses?

            No, that’s no good.  What if they never come to their senses?  Can we just leave everyone like this?  This is uncharted territory for me.  Man, I feel terrible.  I wish there was some way to fix it.  Any ideas, kid?[8]

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[8] I CAN THINK OF ONE THING TO TRY.  HOLD ON A SECOND.

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            Uh oh.  Cornelius is getting his bow ready.  You’ve got to stop him!  Hey, buddy?  Are you sure you want to do that?  I mean, the kid and I just risked our lives to stop all the music….

Cornelius’s Second Song:

Okay, at least that was a lot shorter than I expected.  It sounded nice.  And it looks like the class liked it, too; they all seem to be coming to their senses.  Cornelius, what did you do?[9]

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[9] I TOLD ALL THE KIDS TO "B NATURAL."

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            You know what?  It doesn’t even matter.  Whatever the note was, Cornelius replaced the violence with a new peace of music.

I’m just glad it kinda worked.  That means we made it through our whole substitute teaching experience with just a few scrapes and bruises, maybe a dozen stunned kids, and some thoroughly trashed violins.  It’s not the best outcome, sure, but it could definitely have gone worse.

Things have gotten wilder and wilder since we started this heist, but I say count your blessings!  We’re still in one piece, for now.  And I’ve got my brother back by my side!

Actually, I just realized how we can capture our next day of the week.  Which means, as crazy as that all was, we’re still right on track!  Why don’t you go ahead and dismiss the students?  You are still their teacher, after all.  I’m sure they won’t mind getting out a few minutes early.  Let’s let all the string players go first.

While they’re packing up, go ahead and dismiss the brass players.

You know what?  Let percussion players leave, too.

And now, if we’ve done this right, the only students left should be your woodwind players – the flutes, the clarinets, the four-foot wooden tubes, and those other ones that sound like ducks.  I know, I know.  That’s not what they’re called.  But that’s not important.

What’s important is that you made the winds stay in the classroom.

Which means, kid, you’ve got Wednesday in the classroom.  Go ahead and grab it, and then let’s get moving.

That’s two days down, five to go!  Let’s get moving.