“Koa?” Beau opened my bedroom door and I spun around in my computer chair after turning off the recording software I was using to write my paper, “um. I'm going out so I won't… be back for dinner. Okay?”

“Oh. Tell your parents I said hi,” smiling, I turned back to my computer and started to grab my headphones.

“N-no I uh… I have a date. Don't wait up for me.”

I froze, my heart falling before I cleared my throat and nodded, “Okay. Have a good time.”

“Okay,” he whispered and closed my door and I aggressively wiped a tear away.

Beau and I had moved into the townhouse four months ago. We threw ourselves entirely into decorating and learning to live together without our parents around. During this, we were also focused on university, the time we spent hanging out less than before but we agreed it was for the future and we just had to wait it out, knowing we'd go back to those days whenever the semesters ended. This was the first time Beau had mentioned dating and it felt similar to when I had lost my arm. My feelings were simply torn from my body and scattered around me.

“Fuck,” I groaned, laying my forehead on my desk, “you waited too long, Koa.”

I decided that rather than dwell on Beau being out with someone, I'd focus on my paper, needing it done by midnight or else I would fail my class as this was my final. I put everything I could into it, hyper-focusing as best I could to keep my mind off Beau. But thoughts would sneak in, wondering if he was kissing someone, dancing with someone, sharing special moments with whoever he was out with that wasn't me.

“Fuck!” I yelled and slammed my laptop closed as soon as I submitted my paper before I ran downstairs to find my arm. Once it was on, I stormed out of the townhouse, not caring that it was 2 in the morning, and started to run. I had no destination but I often went for jogs when my spirit was low, finding that the cool night air normally calmed me.

I found myself on the beach nearest to our townhouse and slowed down, kicking my shoes off and heading into the water, not caring that I was soaking my pants.

“Koa? I knew you'd be here,” Beau's soft voice called from behind me a bit later and I kept my back to him, letting the water crash into my knees, “you always come here when you're done with a paper.”

I refused to respond, staring at the moon and stars. A soft splashing came from my left and Beau stopped next to me, his shoes abandoned in the sand with my own.

“My date was bad,” he whispered, trying to prompt me into conversation.

“I don't care,” I whispered back.

“He tried to ask me back to his place and I almost went.”

“I don't care.”

“We almost kissed but I turned it down.”

“Beau. I don't care.”

“You're a terrible liar.”

“Leave me alone.”

“Koa,” he moved in front of me and I looked past him, trying to ignore the fact he was wearing a hooded sweater I gave him when he was 16 over skin-tight black shorts, “I can't leave you alone.”

“You should go on another date with him. Was he cute? Did he make you feel good? Did you like the way he touched you?” My voice shook as I clenched my hand.

“No.”

“Okay. I'm going home. See you in the morning,” I spun around and grabbed my shoes out of the sand, shaking them out before slipping them on.

“Why can't you just be honest with me?” Beau called softly, the waves crashing around his hips as I stared at the sand, “Why can't you just tell me you like me, Koa?”

My words refused to come out and I pulled my sweater off followed by disengaging my arm and setting it carefully on my sweater in the sand, leaving me shirtless. My scars from surgery, road rash, and various injuries when I was learning to vault were in full display in the moonlight and I wiped my eyes, my head hanging.

“Why can't you just come out here and finally tell me what we both know? That you want to be with me. That your promises to take care of me go past being best friends. Why the hell have you made me wait for 4 years!” Beau screamed, his voice thick, “why can't you fucking see how I feel about you?”

I spun around and stomped into the water, grabbing Beau by the chin. It clearly startled him, his eyes growing wide before I kissed him roughly, nearly knocking him into the water in surprise.

“God just shut up for two seconds,” I muttered, “I'm so fucking mad at you. How dare you go out with someone?” I kissed him again and Beau gripped my arm, “How could you do this? If you knew how I felt about you, why didn’t you say anything?”

“I just couldn’t,” he panted, tossing his arms around my neck and I shoved him away, my chest heaving, “K-Koa?”

“I am genuinely angry at you,” running my hand through my hair, I felt myself starting to deflate, “you didn’t need to tell me you were going on a date if you knew it would make me upset. That hurts, Beau.”

“I lied,” he hiccuped, taking his glasses off to clean his eyes as he started to cry, “I didn’t go on a date. I went to see my moms. But I thought if I told you I was, you’d finally tell me you liked me. That you’d tell me to stay with you. I just want you to want me back, Koa. To fight for me.”

“I shouldn’t have to fight for you,” I wrapped my hand around the nape of his neck and pulled him flush with me, “you were already mine. I just don’t know how to say those things. Please… understand that I care deeply for you. But I don’t have the right words for things. It’s easier to show them through actions. It’s why I cook you breakfast before classes, do your laundry, and clean your bathroom when you’re not feeling up to it. I go to the petrol station so you don’t have to. Goddamit, Beau,” sighing, I pressed my lips to his forehead, my hand now tangled in his hair, “I show you that I like you by taking care of you. It’s my way of showing my love. It’s confusing for me to say these things but when the accident happened I thought… you were going to die… it broke me and scared me away from pushing past friends. I was scared you blamed me for what happened. I don’t want to lose you, Beau. It should be me. Kissing you, holding you, enjoying the good days, and helping you through the bad. I need to be the one who wakes up with you every morning, seeing your sleepy smile and the way you yawn into your sleeves since you stole all of my sweaters and they’re so big I can’t see your hands. I want to be the person you take to your parents and tell them you’re finally in a relationship with someone. I was so mad at you,” I kissed gently down his face after putting his glasses in my pants pocket, making sure I pressed my lips to every one of his freckles I could find, “but it was my own jealousy that made me feel that way. I belong to you, Beau. Since Tokyo. I’ve been yours for years.”

“Koa,” he started to cry and I finally pulled him into a hug, my chin on the top of his head, “oh Koa… I’ve wanted to be with you since we were little. Since I knew what a crush was. But I am so close to giving up. I want reciprocation, I can’t sit here and chase after you for the rest of my life. Please,” he dug his nails into my back, “don’t lead me on. You just… we just both had our first kiss. It meant the world to me. I always wanted that moment with you. Yeah, it might have been from your frustration but it’s all I ever wanted. I want to be your boyfriend, Koa. Then your fiance. I want us to get married. All those dreams you have for the future, the ones we talked about when we would lay in your parent's backyard, I always put myself into them. That I was who you were talking about. I can’t do this anymore. Either be with me or let me go.”

“I think I should be asking you,” I laughed, rubbing his back as gently as I could, “Beau? I don’t think we need to stop pretending anymore. Be with me. From now until I stop breathing, I want you to be at my side.”

“As your friend?”

“As my boyfriend for now. I’ll marry you when I’m almost a doctor. Beau Rivera… you’ve been my best friend for years now. But I want more than that. If you’ll take me, as flawed as I am… I’d love nothing more than to ask you to be my boyfriend.”

“God yes,” he laughed, tears in his voice and I cupped his cheek before slowly kissing him. Beau was weak on his feet and I grabbed him as tight as I could, my arm around his back, hand gripping his hip, “can I sleep in your bed?” he whispered as I pulled away.

“For the rest of my life, you can always take over my bed. It’s our bed now after all,” I picked Beau up, practically throwing him over my shoulder, and walked out of the water as he laughed loudly.

We walked back home, Beau carrying my arm for me as I was trying to find my keys before letting out a happy sigh when I realized that they were still in my pocket as I had been fearful that they had been washed out into the ocean. He showered downstairs as I took the bathroom upstairs and we climbed into my bed together at five in the morning.

“The sun will be up soon,” I whispered, kissing Beau’s hair as he laid his head on my chest, “we could watch the sunrise.”

“We need some sleep. I do have a final for my statistics class tomorrow.”

“I’ll be home all day. I finished my last paper yesterday. I’ll have lunch waiting, okay? Focus and do your best. We can eat a nice lunch on the deck tomorrow. The semester is nearly over, I thought we could go to Auckland. See Uncle Zeke and Aunt Belle. I know Xavier misses us and I haven’t seen Philip in a year since we went to Montana to see my dad’s family.”

“I’d love to,” he smiled up at me and I kissed him slowly, a gentle sigh escaping Beau as he laid his hand on my cheek, smiling, “I have waited forever for you to do that.”

“I don’t regret making you wait. I had to grow. I couldn’t have done any of this without the accident and you can’t pretend you’d have been happy spending our lives together without me being affectionate. I don’t think I could have ever kissed you. There would be no sharing a bed. The accident saved my life and brought me here,” I pulled him on top of me, resting my hand on his lower back, “to where I get to lay in bed with my beautiful boyfriend and not feel afraid. Beau? Please… don’t give up on me. The next few years are going to be so hard as I finish medical school. All I ask is your patience and support. I’ll do my best to always remind you that I care, to give you affection, and to fall asleep with you in my arms every night I possibly can.”

“I already knew that,” he rested his hands on my chest before laying down, yawning softly, “and I am prepared to wait as long as it takes for you to finish medical school and your residency because I love you, Koa. I always have.”

“I… love you too, Beau.”

“Mhm,” he kissed my chin, making me laugh, “I know.”

“Good. Get some sleep, I set my alarm for nine so we’ll have time to eat breakfast together before your final at 11.”

“Thank you,” he kissed me softly before lying back down on my chest and falling into a deep sleep.

“I will always love you,” I whispered, watching the sunrise and praying that I would get to keep that promise to Beau.

But it wasn't meant to be.

Beau was really never mine.