Leroy wasn't sure what happened to him, but there was a complicated numbness in his chest and buzz in his head that had started right after he had gotten home from dropping off Zachary and remained there until now, far into the next week with no indication of easing up anytime soon.

It was like they lodged a plaster into the panicked faucet of his brain that had burst open at the pipe when Zachary had kissed him. He didn't want to deal with the leak, or the warning sign that he was about to fall about from exhaustion and overthinking things, so he shut things off as quickly as possible.

It came with consequences—leaving him lying awake in bed for most of the night as he replayed the kiss in his head and heaved. He remembered the feel of Zachary's lips—the ticklish feeling his twist coaxed from him when it touched his cheek. He remembered his sighs, and small sounds—murmurs that still made his stomach twist up with want from just remembering them.

Leroy felt sick.

The whole situation was consuming his mind, and he didn't know how to make it stop.

He hadn't spoken to Zachary for a week, yet his mind couldn't get rid of him, and his lips and emotions shouldn't let go of that altercation in the car.

He wanted it to happen again, but he was also afraid that it would happen again. He couldn't make up his mind and had probably started and deleted seventy texts since Zachary asked him how he was doing on Monday morning.

Leroy could barely think straight or follow a conversation at work or with his sister and mother at home. Every once in a while, someone would have to physically touch him to get his mind to focus on them and not the static of thoughts in his head. Oftentimes he would look up, disappointed, yet relieved that it wasn't Zachary.

It was one of those days, where his manager had probably repeated his name seven times before he blinked and focused on her at the Zoom meeting.

"Leroy?" the manager said with a tone of concern, probably wondering if he was still there with them.

"Yes," Leroy said, turning on his mic and camera, before forcing a smile for his manager and coworkers. It was a Friday—the day he got to work from home. Thank God. Having to work in person since Monday had been torture.

"I was asking if you got the rest of your work done before Monday. I know it's the weekend—" she paused. "But you haven't really been hitting targets."

Leroy sucked in his lip before nodding. "I know. It's okay with me."

"Have you been feeling well? Because you know, you have sick days you haven't used yet."

Leroy blinked.

Sick? Did he look physically sick? Fuck, that was tragic.

"I'm not sick, I'm just dealing with an issue—"

"You can use your sick days for mental health days. That's after you meet your targets, of course, you're the only one in your office," the lady said, and Leroy just stared at her for a bit before nodding.

"Sure..." he trailed, and she smiled, looking away from him and back down to her paper before continuing the day's closing meeting.

When the meeting was over, Leroy logged out of his computer and stared at the black screen, finding it hard to think about anything or remember what he planned for the day.

He blinked, remembering that Saturdays were usually when he'd take a walk down the street to visit Zachary. The man's soft smile and gentle gaze flooded his mind and Leroy could feel his chest warm up. He let out a sigh, bending forward as he tried to calm down.

"What's happening to me?" he whispered to himself, still perplexed by the grip Zachary was having on his senses. When he'd agreed to kiss him, he hadn't thought it would send all his senses tumbling down. He'd expected his curiosity to fade, or at worse, get a little more intense.

But this wasn't just curiosity or any measure of it, it was a full-on existential crisis.

What did this mean for him?

For them?

Did he like Zachary? Did he want a relationship with him? And what about Zachary? What did the older man want?

Even if they both wanted the same things, Leroy doubted anything could really work. Zach was ill, and that was probably a higher priority to him than playing a couple and going on dates.

Where would they even go on dates?

How did Leroy even start explaining their involvement to anybody, including his friends and family?

He nibbled on his bottom lip as he remembered the last few texts Zachary had sent him, one of them asking him if he'd gotten home safe. He wanted to reply, but he wasn't sure what to say.

Just call him.

A voice said in his head, echoing his annoyance with himself. If he tried to keep responding to the text, he would be there erasing and rewriting messages for the next millennium.

So, Leroy got up, left the room that was used as a study, and wandered to his own. He closed the door and sat at the edge of his bed. He fished for his phone and unlocked the screen before he navigated to the messaging app and stared at Zachary's text for a little too long.

MESSAGE FROM: ZACHARY

Hey, I just wanted to check if you made it home fine!

MONDAY, 11:24 AM.

Leroy swallowed the air in his mouth, wondering how he was going to explain not talking to Zachary for five days. The man hadn't double-texted and might have just accepted that Leroy wasn't going to reply, but the younger man was worried that meant Zachary had given up on their friendship or assumed that he wanted to end things.

He let out a sigh to calm his nerves before dialing Zachary's number. It rang for a bit, and Leroy was starting to get worried the older man wouldn't pick up until a rough voice answered the phone.

"Hello?" There was a hint of confusion, even in that one word. "Is this Leroy?

"Yeah," the younger man said, sitting up straight as his brain started to buzz with overthinking. "It's me."

There was silence for a while. With either party not knowing what to say, Leroy listened to every sound on the other end—the sighs and the sound of a bedsheet crumpling under the man's weight as Zachary moved about. He was probably in bed, as always.

"Are you calling me to have the talk?" Zachary asked, and Leroy raised a brow, wondering what the man meant.

"Huh?" the younger man cocked his head. "What do you mean?"

"You know, the talk," Zachary said, moving about in the background. "It's when you tell me kissing me was a mistake, and that you think we should just be friends because you don't see me, that way, but you cut contact over time anyway because you were too afraid to say you're uncomfortable being friends with me anymore..."

"Zach, that's not what I was going to do," Leroy said. "I just wanted to talk—"

"About?" Zachary asked, cutting the younger man off. "Look, what could possibly be so important to talk about that you couldn't address it for an entire week?"

"Zach—"

"You know, when you didn't respond, I felt hopeless. I cried a lot, got a panic attack, then cried some more," Zach explained, making Leroy suck in his bottom lip. "I really enjoy the time we spend together, and I thought at least maybe we would ignore what happened so we could keep having this—the friendship, the laughs, the talks...." The older man sighed, and Leroy started to hear footsteps in the background and the sound of a door.

"All that might not mean a lot to you because you've probably had them before at some point growing up and having friends in school and all that, but it meant a lot to me—still does," the man said, as his voice got a little muffled by the sounds of wind. He was probably out on the porch, and Leroy could picture him in his chair, freckle-faced, with his curly hair that he currently had in twists. The image alone made his heart tug.

"I—Well, I cried because I might lose that, and it still hurts but, I think I've accepted I can't make you keep giving that to me even though you might be uncomfortable being in proxy to me," Zachary said, sighing again. "The kiss shouldn't have happened, but—I don't regret it, not really."

"I'm happy it was you. I wanted it to be you. I like you."

The successive sentences almost gave Leroy a cardiac arrest. He relished the words—relieved them fifty times over in the space of seconds.

I like you.

His face felt warm and his mouth dry. Fuck, he almost forgot Zachary was more or less giving him a farewell speech.

"Zach—" Leroy said, pausing as he tried to form words in his mouth. "I don't want to stop seeing you, but... I don't know how I feel." He mumbled, "I can't really understand it. I know I liked the kiss, I know I like you as a person—I don't want to lose your company, but... I think I'm still trying to process what this all means to me..."

Leroy's words paved the way for a deafening silence. The two men listened to each other breathe, as they both waited for the other person to talk first.

"I don't want to lose you as a friend. I've only known you for a bit, but even then, I can't imagine not coming over or talking to you..." Leroy said, breaking the silence. "It's not like I haven't thought of you in that way at all. I've always wanted—" Leroy paused, wondering if it was okay to say. "I've always wanted to kiss you, touch you... you know, that stuff. It crept on me a little faster than I expected, and I was trying to understand what that all meant as quickly as I could, and I guess the kiss in the car just sent me into an existential crisis..."

"Really?" the older man asked on the other end. "You didn't do that out of pity?"

Leroy blinked. He was a bit confused that Zachary had thought of it like that in the first place. "No, I was just curious, really." 

"Are you sure? Even with my 'woe is me' speech about how I haven't kissed anyone before?" Zachary asked, and Leroy nodded and then stuttered a 'yes' when he realized the older man couldn't see him.

"I did it because I wanted to—I was curious. I'd been thinking about it for a while..." Leroy trailed, not really knowing what else to say. He let the silence wrap them for a bit and enjoyed the tranquility before adding, "It's Saturday tomorrow. I'd like to come to see you if you don't mind, can I?"

There was a bit of hesitation, and Leroy was starting to get worried he wouldn't be allowed, and then Zachary spoke up, easing his worries with just one word—

"Y-yes."