Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

     That was really the only word running through Zachary's head as Leroy drove them back home.

     Fuck.

     The older man covered his eyes with his hands, feeling his heartbeat quicken as his memory loaded the scene from before.

     He had kissed Leroy, and Leroy had kissed him.

     They'd kissed.

     So why hadn't they simultaneously combusted from all the tension in the car as Leroy drove Zach back home?

     Occasionally, the older man would reach out to touch his lips, rethinking the kiss—reliving the feeling of Leroy's soft lips on his. The smell of his cologne and the feel of his hair...

     Fuck. Zach blinked. Oh, fuck this. I can't think.

     Honestly, those were the only words that could come to his mind. The mixed feelings of guilt, want, excitement and fear were overwhelming and made it hard to think, but one question on his mind was definitely; what happens next?

     Do they both acknowledge it happened without any further context? Do they keep doing it—gosh, Zachary wished they would, but the chance for that was very slim. There was also another possibility that Leroy might have decided that this was too much, and he wanted their friendship to end.

     The very thought scared the older man. Although they'd only known each other for a short time, conversing with Leroy made up a huge part of his day. Without Leroy... his days would go back to mirages of pain with dots of doctor's visits and watching shows. He didn't want to go back to that. He liked talking. He wanted the feeling of his throat feeling sore from not using his voice too much to be a distant memory.

     Zach looked over to the side, just slightly, to catch Leroy's expression. The man seemed focused on the road—too focused—as if he was trying hard not to look to the side at Zach or say anything incriminating. The older man wondered what Leroy was thinking about. Was the man wondering about the kiss too? Was it positive? Negative? Zach blinked and looked away. The thought of it being negative was stressing him out.

     He hadn't been the one to initiate the kiss. Leroy had asked him. He'd put it out there, and Zach had really only taken up his offer because of curiosity. He'd always wanted to kiss someone, and Leroy was there being attractive as hell and offering it to him. It would be insane to think he wouldn't go for it, but now that it was over, he started to overthink things. Leroy probably hadn't been asking honestly—it sounded more like a joke—an expensive one, but still.

     "Um..." Zachary trailed, just wanting the awkward silence to end. "I—err... was I bad at it?" Zachary asked. He watched Leroy tense up a bit, but he didn't say anything.

     "Was what bad?" Leroy asked after a while. The car was silent for a bit as Zachary tried to figure out how to phrase the question in the least awkward way possible.

     "The kiss..." he started. "Was it bad?"

     There was another stretched-out silence from Leroy as he came to a stop at a red light. He fidgeted at the steering wheel for a bit before answering the questions from before. "Err, why are you asking?"

     "You know, I was just wondering, but I guess I don't know what being good at that would mean," Zachary said, taking his eyes away from Leroy and focusing them on the window by his side. Well, now that he thought about it if Leroy was just as straight as he'd always implied, kissing a man would feel gross regardless, but also, lips were lips, and it wasn't as if Zachary had a beard so—it should feel the same? Well, Zach wasn't sure.

     Leroy seemed to stare into space for a long time before resting back on his seat as the light turned green. "Err," he started as he went through the motions of driving the car forward again. "You're not bad." He drummed his fingers on the steering wheel, nibbling his lip as he seemed to think of what else to say. "You just need practice. We only kissed for a bit though, so I don't know..."

     The volume of his words went down with every syllable. His skin, although not sickly pale, betrayed how deeply embarrassing the situation was for him with how red his face got.

     Zachary didn't seem too concerned with that, his mind was set, instead, on his words from before.

     You're not bad.

     The words echoed in Zach's head as he watched Leroy drive. He wasn't sure what the words were causing him to smile a little, but they did. It felt like validation, and they soothed him a bit. At least that must mean Leroy didn't hate it that much—well as much as a straight dude could hate a queer kiss.

     Also, the whole idea of practicing to get better... To be honest, Zach knew Leroy didn't mean with him, but... who else was there? And honestly, who else did Zach want to kiss? There was just Leroy, torturing him with his sweet eyes and smiles—reaching out to him and making him vulnerable in ways he'd always wanted to hide.

     He liked Leroy.

     He maybe even more than liked him.

The man brightened his day with a phone call and gave him butterflies from just being around him. He wanted to hold him—kiss him—and be allowed to be important to him. Before acknowledging how attractive the man was had been easy, because it was just the fact of the matter, and his mind had stopped straying when Leroy had set the record straight that he didn't swing that way, but now that they had kissed...

     He yearned for more. It was hard not to.

     The whole situation was scary yet exciting. Honestly, Zachary wasn't too concerned about Leroy not reciprocating. He wasn't that delusional. Leroy was assumably straight, and even if he wasn't, it wasn't like anyone was in the market for a disabled boyfriend. He wished they would at least still be friends—or maybe more, not necessarily dating or anything serious, but something that allowed him to explore that part of himself with someone he had feelings for and found attractive.

     He would settle for an experience he'd never had growing up. Would it break his heart? Probably? But he didn't care. He would rather his heart was broken, than not take the risk and not feel all the things he wanted to feel.

     And if it was with Leroy...

     He'd do it again.

     Over and over, if he was allowed to ruin himself that many times.

     He was more afraid of Leroy cutting things off than of ending up in a weird back and forth where the lines were blurred.

     "Thank you for taking me out today," Zachary said when Leroy made a stop on the side of the street closest to the bungalow. "You know, I haven't been out in a while...." Zachary trailed, squinting as he thought about it. "Two months? Maybe three?"

     Leroy looked up, blinking before looking away and smiling. "It's no problem," the younger man said, rubbing the back of his neck. Zach's eyes moved to his neck, looking at the short curls of hair he'd touched while they kissed. His face warmed up, and he looked away, trying to rid his mind of that interaction.

     "I'll help you take your stuff up," Leroy said when Zach didn't say anything afterward. "So, it'll be one trip up the stairs."

     "Oh, thanks," Zach said, watching as the younger man turned the key in the engine. The lights and beeping stopped, and Leroy took off his seat belt before opening his door and heading out. Zach listened to the rattling in the back as Leroy picked out his groceries and pulled out his wheelchair. It was another couple of seconds before the door to his side of the car opened to be met with the wheelchair just outside and the bag of groceries at its feet.

     "I'll take the bags," Leroy said as Zachary got out of the car and moved to take a seat.

     The older man nodded. "Okay."

     The two made their way across the lawn after Zach opened the gate to the picket fence. Zachary took the ramp by the stairs and Leroy walked up the stairs, dropping the bags at the door as Zachary fished in his pockets for the keys. Zach could hear the cats walking right under the stairway, and he smiled a little, remembering that his cats were the only reason he met Leroy in the first place.

     "Do you need my help with putting things in the fridge?" Leroy asked when Zach unlocked the door. The older man looked up at him and immediately felt his cheeks heat up. All this time he didn't know how he could have looked Leroy in the eyes. The man was just—as attractive as one could come. The thick brows and expressive eyes he had noticed and acknowledged as attractive were seemingly somehow even more. A part of Zach wanted to say yes, and have Leroy linger around him for a few more hours, but another part of him was worried—worried that he'd pushed the envelope a little too far today. The kiss might have made Zach giddy, excited, and blooming with want, but Zach wasn't sure if that was the same for Leroy. In fact, he doubted it was, and he didn't want to make him more uncomfortable than he was at the moment.

      "No, I think I'm fine," Zachary said.

     Leroy looked at him, squinting a bit. "Are you sure? I can at least bring them up to the kitchen."

     Zachary thought about it for a bit but decided against it. "Nah, I'm fine. I'll just come for it bit by bit," he added, hoping Leroy would leave things there. The younger man seemed to think about it for a bit. He opened his mouth but didn't say anything and after a while closed it and sighed.

     "Okay, I think I'll be heading out then," the younger man said, smiling a bit. Zach smiled back, a bit uncomfortable with their farewell but letting it be. He thought that Leroy would maybe bring up what happened, but the man didn't. He simply turned and walked down the stairs, stopping at its foot to pet a cat before wandering past the lawn. He walked past the picket fence before climbing into his car.

     Zachary watched the car start, and soon after, it pulled into the main road and left. He watched it until he couldn't make it out in the distance anymore, and when that happened, his eyes fell to the groceries sitting at the door as a sense of worry flooded his mind.

     He really hoped Leroy would do anything but cut him off.

     That would break him.