JESSIE

I know I was supposed to have given up on the idea of letting the colony know what had happened, but I couldn't get it off my mind. Anytime I closed my eyes I could hear the voices from the black box like I had been there — the loud screeching sound — the moment things had gone to shit. I hadn't dreamed honestly in a while, but now this was all I dreamed about. Over and over and —

Over.

It didn't stop.

Every night I would close my eyes I was transported to those first moments when my eyes had opened. The sound of the blaring siren — the red lights — Samantha's grey dead face.

I had never had time to process any of that. It had all been pushed to the back of my mind as I sewed up wound after wound with shaky unsure fingers. It had been an accident — something we'd all signed off on — something that had been a probability. We'd just gotten the bad end of the stick.

Now that I knew it had been avoidable I was angry. The anger fed the deep upset in me I had buried deep, and nurtured it until it grew into an existential dread that cemented my survivor's guilt. Samantha shouldn't have died — no one should have...

I let my shaky press against Luc's chest. He was sleeping, his dark lips twisting as his eyes moved under his eyelids. I wonder what he dreamed about. I hoped his dreams were better than mine. This nest was reasonably darker than the one by the cliff since it was self-contained, and the only way it could be accessed was the small hole above that provided minimal light from the moons above. I closed my eyes, taking in deep breaths.

I couldn't know what I knew and just not do... nothing. I had survived the crash, and now I was in a better place than being worked like a dog at the colony settlement. It made me feel guilty. I got to play house with an alien while people did hard labor, ate rations, and feared for their lives and self-determination. I should at least try, knowing what I know.

I didn't have to go to the settlement controlled by the military. There were a few thousand people scattered around with no connection to the main colony base. I knew some of them were part of the non-civilization crew members. Engineers, scientists, technicians... people who could maybe make sense of the information in the black box and...

And do what? I wondered to myself, curling up against Luc as I racked my brain.

They couldn't go to war with the military. They didn't have the numbers, resources, or know-how, but I had to at least tell them.

I couldn't bring Luc into it. I had to do this myself, but I didn't want to leave him behind. What if I relayed the message and came back? How did I even begin to explain the situation to Luc? What if he dropped me off and never came back for me? What if he realized that he didn't want me this way and just had some hormonal wires crossed that endeared me to him? I wasn't a woman. Fuck, I wasn't even part of his species or from his planet.

What if I don't even matter as much as I think I do?

The thought hurt. I blinked rapidly, afraid of sleeping again — afraid of opening my eyes in my dreams and being stuck in my cryo chamber as the man beside me sobbed. My eyelids dropped regardless, too heavy for me to control. So I gave into sleep, hoping this time the dream would be less terrifying than the last.

***

When I woke up, Luc wasn't beside me. I sat up, turning towards the sound of items being moved. Luc was at a corner of the nest, sifting through a larger-than-normal belt bag. He stared at its contents, before tying it up with its string after he seemed content.

"Luc," I said, watching him look at me. "Morning," I mumbled, remembering that just before we'd moved I'd been working on the concept of periods of the day.

He smiled at me, chirping softly, before picking up another bad. In this one there was food. It was dried meat he'd made in batches back at the cliff, and soft fleshly fruit that was easy for me to eat.

"Luc, gone... much," the avian said, looking at me as he tied up that bag too. "Eat. Hungry. No."

"Okay," I said nodding my head. It looked like he would be gone longer than usual, but I don't think I needed a whole bag of jerky to survive a few extra hours. He put on his belt, the weight of the bag it carried making it sag more than usual. My agreement seemed to please the alien. It smiled a bit, walking over to me with the bag of food in his hand. He dropped it beside me before getting on his knees and taking my face in his hands. I opened my mouth, used to his little ritual now. He pressed his lips to mine before pushing his tongue into my mouth, and soon warm liquid was fed directly into my throat.

It lasted longer than usual, so I let out a little cough when he pulled away. He ran his fingers through my hair, rubbing his face against my cheek affectionately before standing up. I stayed seated, watching his wings spread slightly as he prepared to take off, and before I could even say goodbye he was out of the nest — the sound of wings flapping fading in the distance with every second.

I looked away from the nest's entrance when I couldn't hear him anymore, and picked up one of the two books I had brought along with me, hoping it could distract me from my thoughts about the black box.

I read until the light from the nest's entrance was too dim to see anything. I walked about the nest for a bit, dragging a blanket along with me before curling up in a corner. The sun was gone now. It was nighttime, and unlike the cliff, the mountain mangrove bustled with the sound of insect life at night. I also heard the occasional hoot and caw.

I wondered where Luc was. He was usually back by now.

"Maybe it's a day trip," I mumbled to myself, realizing that he had indicated he would be gone for a while. When he wasn't back at night, I simply shrugged it off and decided he would be back by the morning.

I wasn't sure how long I slept, but when I woke up Luc wasn't back. I started to worry, snacking on the food he'd left for me as I stared aimlessly at the nest's entrance. I tried to focus on reading, which didn't help, so I fidgeted with the black box. Hours passed by, and soon it was night again. There'd been a brief disturbance at the entrance of the nest, but it had just been a bird — well, what I would call a bird, trying to steal a piece of frayed nesting material from the woven entrance of the nest. I couldn't sleep that night, making myself believe Luc would show up at any moment, but he didn't.

On the third day, relief and excitement filled me when I heard the sound of flapping wings. I stood up, overflowing with anticipation when I heard the sound of feet landing on the top of the nest. A hand poked into the nest's entrance.

"Luc..." I started but paused when I realized the color of the arm was off. It was a grey-green with green feathers adorning the shoulder. The hand was also bigger than Luc's — much longer. A huge wing with a variety of green feathers burst through the hole. I took in a deep breath, walking backward until my back was pressed up against the wall of the nest. The Helli trying to get in snarled, seemingly having a difficult time trying to push its shoulder and wing through the nest's entrance at the same time.

My stomach sank, wondering how huge it was, but for now, I was grateful. It struggled for several minutes, before pulling its hand and wing away. It walked on the top of the nest for a bit, shaking the nest with its weight before it flew away. I only allowed myself to breathe when I was sure it was gone, heaving even hours later.

One more day passed without Luc's presence and I was starting to think he had abandoned me. What was so important to leave me alone for days at a time in a dark hole? Had he just gone to a different home he had to take a few days to himself? I hadn't been the happiest camper the past two weeks, and I did notice a shift in Luc's mood.

Is he done with me?

I swallowed, not wanting to think too much about it. It was mid-day on the fourth day. I kept my sanity by sleeping most of the time. Now I had two nightmares. My dream about the crash, and a dream where Luc simply abandoned me at the colony's parameters before flying away. I could feel myself getting a little sick. It wasn't from eating badly or the cold. I was just killing myself with worry and fear, and it was right as I was about to give up that I heard wings flapping.

This time I was hesitant, I watched the nest's entrance intently as Luc appeared, dropping down to the nest's floor in one piece. I couldn't stop myself from bawling when I finally saw him, the distress rolling over my shoulder as I shook with every sob.

Luc seemed a bit confused but he quickly gathered me in his arms, petting my wet face with one hand as he frantically rubbed my hair back with the other. He must have been confused at my tears — wondering where the water had come from but I just didn't have it in me right now to explain why water was dripping out of me. Besides, my mouth wasn't mine right now. I was sobbing uncontrollably, shocked but relieved at the sound of my voice. I hadn't said anything in forever.

"Jessie, okay?" Luc asked, squeezing me tight. "Jessie, okay?"

I nodded into his shoulder, taking in his earthy salt smell. "Y-yes." I managed through my tremors.

"Jessie, okay," I repeated, hugging him close.