The end of their first year at university was when everything changed.

There had been subtle developments throughout their first year, which was to be expected of any fresh-faced university student. Unfortunately, and unbeknownst to Jong In, adulthood had a tendency to sneak up on them, driven by curiosities and more importantly, by opportunities. And Ye Jun was no exception to this. In fact, more than anyone, opportunities seemed to seek him out in droves. And those opportunities came in the form of beautiful women and they resulted in a particular kind of physical manifestation of adulthood. Subsequently, an unexpected change occurred in the behavior of his lifelong friend.

Ye Jun Han had always had a girlfriend but, because he lived at home and had spent most of his free time with Jong In and their intimate group of friends, Jong In had always assumed that Ye Jun’s relationships had been more on the emotional side rather than physical. And while that in itself was disconcerting, Jong In had preferred it that way. That was why it had come as a bit of a shock for him when he first realized that Ye Jun had lost his virginity at some point in high school, and that he had begun to actively engage in those activities once they started university.

He had found out entirely by accident when he overheard Ye Jun turn down an invitation to have dinner with Ji Soo Chae, who was a close friend of theirs, claiming that he had a date that would likely go on until morning.

Ji Soo had shaken her head and given him a disgusted look. At first, Jong In had not understood why she reacted that way. After all, he and Ye Jun had often slept over at each other’s houses. But then the realization that he would be sleeping next to this woman hit him. Jong In had always assumed that Ye Jun had only ever slept beside him, and that had given him a sense of comfort. And with that blow came the understanding that there were likely activities that preceded that innocuous slumber.

Despite what he had said, Ye Jun had snuck into his room that night and had slept beside him just as he had done so many times in the past.

And yet, even as he gazed at his friend’s face in the early morning light, Jong In was jealous. He was a freshman in university, supposedly an adult, but he felt like a petulant child. He wanted to demand that Ye Jun tell him where he had been, and who he had been with. He wanted to plead with him to stop doing it. But when Jong In had felt himself inexplicably move towards him to do just that, he suddenly froze, horrified.

He didn’t have the right to demand such a thing. He was, after all, only a childhood friend. And lately he had been getting the feeling that perhaps Ye Jun only tolerated him because he felt protective towards his stuttering, socially awkward friend.

Events eventually culminated the night after finals when they gathered at a restaurant with a bunch of upperclassmen and other freshmen who were all members of the Computer Science Department.

Though their immediate group of friends were all of different majors, they were all grouped under the computer science branch: Jong Inin media design, Ji Soo Chae in programming, Hwan Yoo in information technology, and Ye Jun Han in data science. This allowed Ye Jun to be part of both the Computer Science Department and the business school.

It was a common belief that nerds were masters at drinking and that night the Computer Science Department had made it a point to prove that statement.

This ultimately led to the single biggest regret of Jong In’s life.

“Ye Jun! Let this sunbae pour you a drink,” said a pretty female upperclassman as she pulled up a seat from a nearby table and forced her way between Jong In and Ye Jun.

Ye Jun smiled and accepted the glass. “Thank you.”

“If you’re taking a shot from Su-Jin, I expect you to take one from me as well,” said the cheerful voice of another female student, grinning prettily as she too pulled up a seat beside Ye Jun. She was an upperclassman Jong In had seen with Ye Jun a few times around campus, Jiwon Song.

Jong In looked up and caught Ji Soo’s eyes, who then promptly rolled them in disgust.

He smiled but it immediately disappeared as he watched Ye Jun engage in a love shot with yet another female sunbae.

How in the world did the Computer Science Department have so many pretty girls, he wondered dispiritedly as he took another gulp of his beer.

“Hey, take it easy with that, kiddo,” said Ji Soo. “You know you’re a lightweight. If I have to carry you back one more time, I swear you’re sleeping on the street.”

Jong In laughed. “You’re talking about Hwan. You c-carried him back, not me.”

“That’s right,” came Ye Jun’s amused voice. “I always carry this one back myself.”

Jong In shot him a look. “I’ve c-carried you b…back just as many times as you’ve carried me.”

Ye Jun laughed and Jiwon, who still sat between the two men, suddenly reached forward and placed her hand on Ye Jun’s arm.

“Ye Jun-ah, I’m feeling a little lightheaded. Can you take me outside so that I can get some fresh air?”

Jong In watched as Ye Jun smiled and pulled her up and out of her seat. He knew immediately where this would lead, and the fact that Ye Jun agreed to it without any hesitation meant that Jong In expected to see Jiwon as Ye Jun’s girlfriend in the coming weeks.

With barely a glance at his friends, Ye Jun left the restaurant with the sunbae hanging onto his arm.

For a long while, Jong In waited for them to return.

Then, just as the time reached three minutes past the half hour mark, he stood up.

“Where are you going?” Ji Soo asked, peering at Jong In with a suspicious gaze. They were the only two remaining people still sitting at their table. The women who had joined them earlier had left when it was clear that Ye Jun was not returning and Hwan had gone to talk to an assistant professor.

“I j-just wanted to g-get some air.”

“You’re drunk,” she replied pointedly.

“Really, I’mm just g-going to g…get some air.”

She tried once more. “You’re not going to like what you see.”

He shook his head and made his way towards the exit. He knew, deep down, that she was right. Ji Soo knew, just as he did, exactly what was going on outside. Perhaps it was the alcohol, or perhaps it was his patience growing thin after years of this aimless state, but Jong In could no longer take it.

He opened the door and made his way out of the restaurant.

Breathing in the cold night air, he looked around. He did not immediately see Ye Jun or the sunbae. His vision blurred slightly as his body swayed to the side. Perhaps he really was drunk, as Ji Soo had claimed. He turned and spotted a dark space between the restaurant and its neighboring building.

He paused. He knew that he shouldn’t.

The chances of Ye Jun being there were high. Really, he shouldn’t.

But he couldn’t seem to stop his feet from moving forward.

Torn between unwillingness and a desire to know the truth, Jong In peered into the darkness before him and then froze.

It wasn’t the first time, he reminded himself.

It wasn’t even the second or third time, in fact. He had witnessed this many, many times before. In remote areas of the school, in karaoke bars, behind restaurants, in empty stairwells and dark alleyways. Somehow, he had almost always stumbled upon his best friend in the arms of his lover.

He had never before purposely sought these scenes out. At least not consciously, but now, as he watched Ye Jun pull Jiwon in for a deep kiss, Jong In wondered if perhaps his body had searched for him out of some perverse desire to witness this exact scene. Perhaps to make himself give up on this terrible love.

But this time, it was different. He was drunk for one… maybe, and he had purposefully sought them out for another. So, before he knew it, and before he fully thought it through, Jong In found himself taking a step forward. His mouth opened of its own volition and, slicing through the heavy fog of his dread, he heard it. His own voice.

“Ye Jun.”

Was there a plea in there somewhere? Did he remember to mask how he was feeling? Was he of sound enough mind to do so?

He watched as Ye Jun raised his head, his lips swollen and pink. Jiwon turned, her face likely full of embarrassment, but Jong In wasn’t sure as he did not spare her a single glance.

“Wha-What a-are you doing?” he heard himself ask inanely.

He watched, almost in amusement, as Ye Jun’s mouth fell open and then stayed that way. Even handsome men can look stupid at these times. For some reason, he felt pleased with himself that he could bring about such a face on the self-assured Ye Jun.

“Ah, were we taking too long?” Ye Jun asked, his eyes shooting down towards Jiwon, who was hiding her face against his shoulder. “Go in first,” he heard Ye Jun whisper to her.

Still continuing to hide her face from him, she quickly walked past Jong In and headed back into the restaurant.

“Sorry,” Ye Jun said before pulling out a cigarette. “I didn’t realize so much time had passed.” He fished a lighter out of his pocket and tried to light the cigarette that he held in his mouth. Jong In moved forward, took the lighter from his hand, and then lit it for him.

For a second their eyes met. Ye Jun pulled back as he inhaled a puff of smoke and broke their gaze. “You guys could have just continued without us,” Ye Jun said.

Jong In was quiet for a moment. “I-I-It’s nnnnot as f-f-fun w-without you,” he replied softly, cursing himself for losing control, and then idly wondered if perhaps he had put too much meaning into his words.

Ye Jun sighed. He took another puff of his cigarette and then scratched his head. He sighed again.

“Jong In,” he began slowly and then paused. “Jong In”, he began again but then paused once more.

And Jong In, despite his discomfort, found that he wanted to kick him.

“I think…” he finally continued.

Ye Jun looked up and met Jong In’s gaze. Then he paused, his face showing just how much he hated having this conversation. “I think…I think we need some space.”

For a moment, Jong In simply looked at him. “W-w-what? W-What d-do you mean ‘s-s-s-some ssspace’?”

Ye Jun sighed again and rubbed the back of his neck. Finally, his eyes returned to Jong In.

“Jong In, lately,” he paused as he tried to put his vague feeling of discomfort into words, “you’ve been everywhere. I mean, we don’t even share classes anymore. My department isn’t even completely in yours and yet you’re there waiting for me to finish my classes, matching my schedule and taking all of your breaks with me. We eat lunch together every day and you wait for me to go home.” He groaned, the displeasure of having to have this conversation clear in his tone. “Even despite knowing that I have a girlfriend, and knowing that I have other friends, you always show up unless I explicitly tell you that I have other plans. But you know, Jong In, sometimes plans happen on the fly and I can’t always know that they are going to happen, and I can’t always foresee them to tell you beforehand. And we’re in college now. Your circle shouldn’t just be me and Ji Soo. You should meet other people. You never know, maybe then…you’ll find someone important to you.”

Jong In froze. What?

Ye Jun sighed, it was evident that he had not wanted to have this conversation. Jong In understood. He was pushing him away. Did that mean…that he knew? If he had indeed clung to him that much then… to anyone – anyone would have been able to tell.

Ye Jun sighed and briefly closed his eyes. “Don’t look at me with that expression. You know I’m not saying we should stop being friends. I just mean that I…need some space.”

From him.

He didn’t have to say it. Jong In knew instinctively. He hadn’t always been like this. It was really just this last year that it felt like the distance between him and Ye Jun was growing.

Ye Jun had gone off to college and became instantly popular, which meant his friend group had grown exponentially. Everyone had wanted to spend time with him and since he was so damn nice and social, he always said yes. That meant he had had less time to spend with Jong In. It wasn’t exactly that Jong In needed to be with him, but the times when they had spent their days together were growing more and more distant, and now it felt like they barely saw each other.

And then there were his girlfriends. It wasn’t as if Ye Jun had never had girlfriends before; he had hardly ever been single all throughout high school. No, rather, it was the implication of having a girlfriend now that they were in college, now that they were adults.

And just the thought that Ye Jun would be physically closer to someone in a manner they could never be had made him grow desperate.

Jong In tried to swallow the lump that had formed in his throat. It was the damn alcohol. He couldn’t take control of his emotions. Don’t. Please, don’t. He swallowed again. He was going to beg. He wasn’t the type to, but the alcohol….

“Y-Ye Jun, d-d-don’t…” he tried to swallow again, his mouth was so dry. “D-D-Don’t” he tried to swallow, stumbling over his words. “Don’t d–do this.” He tried not to focus on the slight tremble in his voice that was there in addition to his stutter. But it was clear as daylight and he knew that Ye Jun had heard it too.

Ye Jun sighed again, then dropped his cigarette and stamped it out. Reaching out, he patted Jong In on the shoulder. “Just for a little bit, Jong In. Let’s just get some space from each other.” His large hand briefly squeezed his shoulder and to Jong In, the moment between then and when Ye Jun released his hand felt long and sorrowful.

“I’ll call you,” he said softly as he made his way back towards the restaurant, leaving Jong In alone in the dark and silent alleyway.