If I was April, I would have found him the next day and talked it out. If I was Evie, I’d probably have my mouth all over him again. But I was me. And being me meant I was avoiding him.

When my bus pulled in at school and I glanced out the window to find him waiting for me, my eyes grew wide and my breakfast churned in my stomach. I let everyone else on the bus file out before me as I checked the time. I had five minutes before class. Five minutes to try and hide from him before he could talk to me.

But as the last person on the bus joined the line, I reluctantly got to my feet and exited the vehicle. 

Rowan singled me out straight away. It was like I was the first star in the night sky for him, always shining the brightest. The thought had a small smile slipping onto my face, but as he approached me I quickly buried it. Because I didn’t like him… right?

“Morning,” he breathed, hands fiddling with his bag straps as his eyes focussed on my mouth and then looked down at my hand.

As I saw his hand begin to move towards me, I crossed my arms over my chest and began walking. “Morning,” I replied as he caught up to me.

“I was wondering if we could have a chat before class.”

“I, ah, don’t really have time. I have to go to the loo and see a teacher about a thing…” I was rambling. Making excuses. He seemed to notice as his face fell slightly. 

But he unfortunately assumed the best of me, shaking away whatever doubt was forming in his head as he grinned again. “That’s okay. Meet me at the art room during lunch?”

“Huh? Yeah okay…” But as I turned on my heel and began walking to my class, I started brainstorming all the excuses to not go see him.

It was a good thing that photography was a mind-numbing subject first up, only needing me to click around on Photoshop without too much attention to teacher instruction. 

And English following saw the class still stuck on reading through The Great Gatsby. So instead of focussing on the extension activity sheet Miss Fitzgerald had prepared for me, I pulled out my book and pretended to read along with the class, all the while thinking about how I would avoid Rowan at lunch.

I knew it was silly to do this and it wasn’t like anything bad would happen. I was more nervous that he was going to want answers from me that I didn’t have. 

I tossed and turned all night thinking about that kiss, wondering if I wanted to do it again (I honestly did because it was fun, but that didn’t mean I liked him), but more importantly if it was fair to him. Knowing I was still infatuated with Evie, was it right to start a relationship with someone while not giving them your full heart?

But then my inner voice started to berate me for even assuming Rowan wanted a relationship from me. 

My final thought in the night was that I wished April was around to talk to about it.

When the teacher dismissed us for lunch and I begrudgingly made my way out in the masses, I knew I had to make a split decision about what I was going to do. 

Up until now, Rowan knew Evie and I had a regular seating area. So if I didn’t come to the art room, he’d check there first. 

Then he knew I had been spending some time in the library to avoid Evie, so he’d go there next.

Which meant the best place I could go is to Evie’s seating spot. Where he was avoiding an ex. Where I was avoiding my supposed best friend.

It wasn’t a great option, sitting next to Evie as her back was turned to me and mouth locked on Joe’s. It was more than a struggle to wedge my chicken nugget through my mouth without vomiting it right back out as Joe whispered her sweet nothings between kisses.

But desperate times call for desperate measures.

That was, until halfway through my lunch break, a familiar pair of shoes suddenly blocked the patch of ground I had been fixated on. Hesitantly looking up, I met his disappointed eyes.

“Rowan!” Joe called, finally breaking away from Evie. “What brings you here?”

“Can I talk to you?” he asked me, not acknowledging his friend or the others with the curious glances. It was more than easy to know who his ex was as she was the only one shooting daggers our way, while everyone else was wiggling their eyebrows or grinning.

Reluctantly abandoning my belongings with Evie, I followed him away from the group. They were still in my sight over his shoulder, but we were alone where no one could overhear.

“Why didn’t you come to the art room?” he pressed.

“I, ah… forgot.” But he saw straight through my lie, hurt flickering across his face.

“You regret it.”

“Not exactly.”

“Then what, May? You didn't even message me back last night and you normally always reply. I don’t like you being distant from me.”

His eye contact game was strong, making me feel squirmish under his hold as I turned my gaze down to the ground, focussing on the fact we both wore Converse All Stars. So much about him screamed he was my perfect match, but why was my heart not echoing that sentiment? “It’s weird,” I mumbled.

“What is?”

“I don’t know,” I muttered. “I don’t know how to do this. I’ve never kissed someone then had to face them at school the next day.”

When he didn’t respond, I took a deep breath and braved a glance at his face. An incredulous smile plastered over it. “You’re nervous around me?”

“I guess? But I still don’t know if I like you. I mean, how can one be sure of that?”

He bit his lips, eyes looking over me before meeting my gaze. “Well, we kissed and you’re avoiding me... but you didn’t hate said kiss?”

I nodded.

“That’s one point to me. You said you enjoy spending time with me?”

“Yes. You’re a great guy.”

“Another tick then. Actually, make that two because you said I’m great. If I said I wanted to kiss you again or hold your hand, how does that make you feel?”

“Like I want to run away.”

“In fear?”

“Not exactly.”

He tried to suppress a smile. “Because it gives you butterflies?” he whispered.

I playfully shoved his shoulder, causing him to stumble backwards, surprise washing over his face. I looked away, feeling my face beginning to tinge red. Why did he have to stand so damn close to me when he asked those things?

But in the end he just grinned even wider. “Have you liked someone before, May?”

“I have. Just one.” And still do.

“And it feels different?”

“Yes.”

“Maybe it’s because I’m different to them though.”

This is true. He is of the male persuasion.

“Do you like me the same way as other guys in your class?”

“The guys in my class are twats.”

“Okay, any other guy you don’t mind.”

“All guys are idiots… except you.”

“I think you do like me… but you don’t want to admit it.”

Braving a glance into his green swirling orbs, I wondered if this was true. As the wind blew his blonde hair slightly, and his smile danced across the space between us, warming me inside, I realised perhaps he was right.

It was different to Evie. Not as vibrant or bright or passionate as how I felt about her. But somehow Rowan had broken through, was making me fidgety, made me want to impress him…

I worried for the intention behind those feelings though. Because as I glanced over his shoulder, back to the group, everyone was looking at us except Evie and Joe, who were now too fixated on each other. And that bothered me immensely.

Was I feeling this way about Rowan because I wanted to get back at Evie… or because I wanted to get over her… or because he had chipped away at the barrier that had her name written all over me, which let my heart finally see someone else who actually wanted to be with me.

Finally, I looked back up at him, as he waited patiently for me to sort through my thoughts. Like he knew I needed the moment. 

Then I said, “I guess I do like you.”

The smile that broke out across his face melted my heart. Because the fact that I, plain old May, could ever make someone glow this bright was captivating. 

“In that case,” Rowan started, now becoming the shy one as he gently grabbed my hand, playing with my fingers in his. “I was wondering if… um… you’d go out with me?”

Stupidly, I responded with, “Go where?”

His face fell slightly. But, as he looked at me, he realised I really was that dense. “As in date me.”

“Oh… Like be boyfriend and girlfriend?”

He nodded, biting his lip.

“I uh… what does that involve?” It was a stupid question to stall for time as I wanted to think it over more, but my brain had become fog, with the words boyfriend and girlfriend floating around, inhibiting me from thinking about anything else.

Nervously, he laughed. “Gosh, May. Are you trying to get back at me for embarrassing you before?”

Dumbfoundedly, I shook my head, but began to lace my fingers between his, liking how it felt to be held like that. To touch a stranger. To be touched back by someone.

“It means you just be you. And hang out with me a lot. And maybe we can hold hands like this… maybe kiss every now and then. Whatever you’re comfortable with. I just get the privilege of calling you my girlfriend.”

To be someone’s girlfriend sounded amazing and terrifying at once. But instead of pondering that rabbit hole, I just looked into his desperate stare as he waited for my answer. Then I caved and said, “Okay.”

“Okay?” he confirmed, like it wasn’t sure enough.

“Yes. We can… ‘go out’.”

His eyes danced with joy as he squeezed my hand tightly, gaze flickering to my mouth momentarily. “Can I kiss you again?”

“You like to ask that don’t you?”

“I don’t want to overwhelm you by invading your personal space without permission… that’s for later when you’re more comfortable with me.”

But before I could say anything, the bell rang signalling it was time to get to our next sessions.

“Where’s your next class?” he asked me, slightly sad that this moment was now over and we had to go back to being studious teenagers once more. 

“Art block.”

Smirking, he tightened his hand in mine and began walking back over to the seating area.

“What are you doing?” I asked, conscious of the fact many had eyes on our hands. 

He picked up my bag, throwing it over his shoulder, looking a little ridiculous with two bags, but then he kept moving, pulling me along with him. “I’m walking you to class.”

“I can walk myself.”

“Of course you can. You’re a strong and independent woman. But I also would like to spend a little more time with you. And hold your hand a moment longer.”

My stomach backflipped inside my body and I worried for it momentarily. These sensations weren’t glowy and fireworky like with Evie. Instead I felt like my body was malfunctioning when he spoke to me, touched me, looked at me. And it had come on so quickly since the movies that night that I worried I was ill. Is this how it is supposed to feel? Surely one isn’t supposed to feel like they’re falling apart when they like someone...

But he smugly walked by my side, relishing in the eyes that turned to look at us as I shriveled up, gaze on the ground. 

“Are you okay?” he asked me.

“There’s a lot of people staring,” I mumbled.

The smile dropped from his face and his grip relaxed in mine, hand pulling away. But I clung tight. Whether we held hands or not, I knew us being next to each other with him carrying my bag would draw attention. At least when people stared, I had his hand to nervously clutch onto. 

So he weaved his fingers back through mine, and took another step closer to me, so that, as we walked, our shoulders sometimes bumped into each other.

When we finally reached my class and the second bell went, I looked at him alarmed.

“My teacher is used to me being late,” he said, reading my wariness. How did he do that? How did he know my worries without me having to state them?

He handed me back my bag, hand lingering in mine for a moment as he stared at me. Over his shoulder, I saw Evie and Joe round the corner, arms wrapped around each other. When I turned back to Rowan, who was now slowly withdrawing his hand from mine, I clutched on once more, stepping forward to close the distance. Then reaching up on my tip toes, I pecked his lips and released him at once. 

As I braved one final glance at him, ecstatic to see him dazed and longing for more, I quickly grabbed my book from my bag and hurried into class.