I was wearing a tie for the first time in two years and still felt underdressed. Less than two minutes inside and my guilt about sending Stephanie here tripled. She wasn’t just left alone in a swanky restaurant. She’d been rejected while surrounded by rich people. And there’s no way she hadn’t dressed to the nines to come. A restaurant this bougie deserved nothing less. 

“This place looks amazing,” James whispered as he picked up the menu. 

This guy is the one who brought me. Trust, I never would have signed up for these menu prices myself. But James insisted he’d pay for us both. If I didn’t already know he was interested in me, that declaration would have confirmed it.

“I’m so glad you changed your mind.”

“Me too,” I smiled. It was a bit forced but that was only because this restaurant made me feel distinctly poor. Calvin’s Bistro. An unassuming name for a Gordan Ramsey wannabe. The gray mush steaming on nearby plates could never compare to Ramsey’s signature risotto. I tried to keep my poverty-sourced critiques to myself, though. 

Because James looked right at home. And he was also footing the bill.

The last few days have been tense since Rin is–rightfully–upset with me. They’ve also been awkward because we were still eating lunch together and trying to pretend that stuff was normal. Like us always sitting on opposite sides of the table was normal. Like our aversion to locking eyes was normal. 

Only Stephanie was unaware of the tension. She had no problem trying to pull Rin and I into conversations at the same time. Even if, in the midst of those conversations, we still pretended like our ex-best friend doesn’t exist.

Yeah, tense and awkward was a good way of putting it. 

This date was a welcome break. A chance to dress up in clothes that had to be ironed and eat foods that were both western and hard to pronounce. 

“You look incredible by the way,” he added, smiling behind his hand. 

It was also a way for me to enjoy some healthy flirting with James. He’d already been a bit flirtier after our almost date. I guess since we both knew how he felt about me, there wasn’t as much of a need for pretenses. 

In a way, I’m not surprised he complimented me. I was wearing a deep gray suit and tie–my one and only suit for any formal occasion. I’d also used curl defining cream in my hair today, so the boys looked extra voluptuous. 

At the same time, my soul didn’t feel worthy of this fine establishment. So hearing James say that set my cheeks aflame.

“Thank you. You don’t look so bad yourself,” I grinned, throwing out the classic line. 

James reached his right hand across the table, his raised brow indicating that he wanted me to hold it. Unlike the last time we’d gone out like this, I wasn’t conflicted about what I wanted to do. It was easy to reach out and interlock our fingers.

Most of our date passed by with us repeating that easy, simple pattern. Talk about the restaurant, talk about each other, silence. I liked how the silence didn’t last very long. And how James never shied away from expressing how much he liked me. 

He was bold to the point of being aggressive–but in a good way. I was sporting a near constant blush and became aware of a mole on my chin I didn’t previously know existed, but I liked the new discovery. Being around him felt good. 

My understanding of queer culture was limited to TikToks and sassy best friends on TV. But from what I gathered, gay guys were known for being more forward. Maybe that’s why James kept kissing the inside of my wrist. That, or British people are just intensely romantic.

Whatever the reason, it made our time together fun and the night ended on a good note. Asking James out (or accepting his hypothetical invitation, not sure which definition applies here) was a good idea.

Who knows how long it will take for my love for Rin to fade. The romantic love, I mean. The love that makes my breath feel short when he touches me. The love that made me hate Stephanie even when I respected her. I may spend the rest of my life trying to get over him. But maybe I could develop a new love in the meantime. 

“Elliot.”

I’d been walking away from Calvin’s, the bright city lights illuminating my path. Hearing my full name cut through the crisp night air made the hairs on my arms prickle alive. 

I thought James had turned the other way to find his parked car. Instead, he stood in his matte black suit, hands tucked into his pockets, looking at me. 

He’d been peppering me in compliments all night. I knew that he wanted me. But something about his eyes in that moment, dark pupils shining with dim, reflected light, told me something different. 

For a second, I wondered if want didn’t quite describe his feelings.

With two steps, James stood in front of me, slowly lifting my hand and weaving our fingers together. Even through the pulse in his palm, I could tell he was nervous.

“Will you be my boyfriend?” He asked, wetting his bottom lip nervously. “Like, do you want to be exclusive?”

“You don’t want to be in a talking stage for 18 months first?” I joked. 

“No, I want to make you mine tonight.”

Those words made my teasing smile evaporate in a second. 

I had seen the earnest look in his eyes before I joked. But in that moment, I noticed the way he stared intently down at my lips, swaying closer to me with each second that passed.

“Alright, I think that’s enough said,” I chuckled. His hip tapped mine and I leaned further into his body. I leaned further into him. “I will.”

His lips met mine, slightly wet and completely warm. My eyes fluttered close as I focused on the feeling of him. 

He felt nice. He smelled good. When he snaked his arms around me, I was secure. But I couldn’t help but wish it was another smell. Another body. Another person who I knew I would never have. 

—————

“Do you like pineapple on pizza?” I asked curiously. James eyed the canned pineapple in my hand, wincing before he could school his features. 

“I do if you like it,” he trailed off.

Rolling my eyes, I plopped the can into our cart.

“You don’t have to put them on yours if you don’t want to,” I reminded him, pushing the shopping cart further down the aisle. “We’re making personal pizzas, remember?”

James looked utterly crestfallen, eyes pointing sadly to the floor like a wounded puppy. The urge to comfort him was strong so I quickly added,

“But I think the gesture was sweet.”

A soft smile returned and James caught up to me so he could plop a quick kiss on my cheek. I was glad we were doing this, shopping together I mean.

James’s idea to cook pizzas as a date was fun and creative. More casual than eating out at a fancy restaurant like we did for the first one. With school and my work schedule, a proper date could only happen on weekends. Meaning: this marked our first date as boyfriends. 

Shopping was a relatively mundane task, but James approached it the way he approached doing anything with me. 

With a whole lot of touching.

We got over the pineapple fiasco which emboldened James to hold the cart just outside of the spots that I did, effectively hugging me and pushing the cart at the same time. One or two people stared as we went past, making a splotchy blush take over my skin. It didn’t help that with him standing so close, our speed was cut in half. Lots of physical contact came with lots of embarrassment too. 

It reminded me of how James acted in school. He made an exception for classrooms which I was immensely grateful for (I wasn’t confident in Mr Anderson’s position as an ally) but even lunch was fair game. Lunch was the perfect time to show off our budding relationship to everyone. And what better way to send the message than with some PDA?

A week of dating had passed but I was already quite used to having his hands on me. 

James got my approval to throw sausage into the cart along with pepperoni while I tried to figure out what we didn’t do in front of people.

Oh right, kissing. 

Duh

The Monday after James and I became official, I started sitting with him for lunch. Things were awkward enough with Rin already; there was no point in flirting in front of him. I thought that joining James friends for lunch would be enough to prevent that. 

But, I quickly realized that Rin didn’t stop watching us just because we weren’t sitting directly across from him

We may not be best friends anymore, but I still wanted to come out to him before anyone else. James told some of his friends after getting them to vow to silence, but I constantly told him that we couldn't be public with our relationship until I told my parents. The detail I left out was that my parents wouldn’t know until I’d come out to Rin first.

That means he couldn’t find out because he saw James and I kissing passionately in between chicken nugget bites. No, I was going to sit him down and tell him the right way.

The problem was sitting him down in the first place. I think it’s actually been days since I’ve heard Rin’s voice. I missed it so much, I might be going through withdrawal.

Seriously, I’m starting to hear things. I swear it sounds like he’s calling my name.

“Elly!”

James nudged my shoulder, making me follow the noise to see Rin across the aisle, a box of cereal in hand.

My feet were moving before my mind had caught up. I practically skipped down the aisle until he was an arm’s reach away.

“Rin, what are you doing here?”

“Helping my mom with the groceries,” he said, shaking the box of lucky charms to get my attention. I hardly had time to be embarrassed before he nodded to the man behind us. “Why are you here with him?”

The word date was so close to tumbling out of my mouth. I meant it when I said that holding secrets from Rin was unnatural. But this wasn’t as much of a secret. I was going to tell him soon. I just didn’t expect soon to be in the cereal aisle of a No Frills.

“We’re making pizzas at his place,” I explained, using as much of the truth as I could.

Rin nodded in the way you did when talking was strained. This might have been the first time he’d done it to me. Things were always so comfortable with us. But I suppose after everything that’s happened, awkward is inevitable.

Rin and Stephanie were coming up to 4 months as a couple. Their looming anniversary was a reminder. Even after our explosive fight, life moved on. 

This awkward exchange of words between us was better than anything I could hope to have a couple of weeks ago. Time heals all wounds and perhaps, it was helping Rin to not be so angry with me. 

“Pizza sounds like fun,” he muttered through a frown.

He hasn’t smiled since I walked up to him. In fact, the uncharacteristic frown he wore never wavered in its intensity. At least we were talking. 

I could come out to him now. A conversation with Rin was a rare opportunity these days. With a couple of words, my new truth would be out and James wouldn’t have to wait for me anymore. But honestly, James was the furthest thing from my mind.

A year ago, Rin would have been the first to know about my gay discovery. He would have sat on my bed while I got dressed for my first date. He would have spammed me with messages until I admitted that James kissed me. I would have called him before I agreed to be James’s boyfriend just to get his approval. If this had happened a year ago, Rin would already know that I like men.

The only reason that he doesn’t is because I messed up. 

I didn’t want to gloat about this new relationship I’d found myself in. I wanted to apologize.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered. Rin’s eyes shuttered close, hiding whatever emotion they showed. “I can’t even begin to tell you how sorry I am.”

“It’s really hard to believe you when you went so far.”

“I know,” I grimaced, properly chastised. “You don’t have to forgive me. I understand why you don’t. But you should know I never wanted her to think you cheated on her. I thought you’d just fight because she felt ignored but I should have cleared things up when she assumed the worst.”

I shifted from one foot to the other anxiously, trying to focus on Rin’s conflicted eyes instead of my own embarrassment.

“She didn’t deserve to think that for even one second,” I added. “And you don’t deserve any rumors about cheating flying around.”

“I just don’t get why you did it,” he admitted, jaw clenched tightly. “I was happy, Elly. You didn’t want me to be happy?”

“I was so focused on myself that I didn’t see that you were happy,” I explained. “And that’s my fault. But I will do better, Rin. I promise.”

Being so honest about something I’d done wrong felt horrible. I would rather be anywhere doing anything other than this. But doing this meant giving Rin the apology he deserved. I don’t think anything was more important than that.

The cardboard box had started to deform in Rin’s tight grip. He put it back and let his hand linger, staring right through the shelf. I waited with bated breath for him to do something. After far too long, he sighed.

“You and James are getting pretty close, huh?” he mentioned casually, glancing behind me again. “I’m glad.”

He didn’t look very glad, his frown getting deeper as the words left his mouth. Still, that was pretty nice of him to say.

“You’re putting that monstrosity on your pizza?”

I nearly choked. Rin still stared behind me but he wasn’t looking at James anymore. He was eyeing the canned pineapple sitting innocently next to the pepperoni. 

“Of course,” I insisted, chin up high. “I’ve already told you about how good the mixture of sweet and salty flavors are on top of tomato sauce and pizza crust.”

“And I’ve told you that sounds disgusting every time,” he laughed, the corners of his lips finally tipping up into a smile. 

Sighing, Rin’s eyes fell to the ground. 

“I guess some things never change.”

His smile fell away as quickly as it came. I couldn’t figure out if things staying the same was a good or bad thing. I had so many questions. Like was there any hope that he’d forgive me?

The questions could wait though. We had something good happening here. Rin was laughing and joking around with me. If stale cardboard boxes helped him like me again, couldn’t we just stay here?

“Rin!” Mrs Hamada came around the corner, glaring at the taller man. “You can’t just fool around with your friend! I need to cook dinner.”

She gave me a warm hug like she hadn’t talked about me the way she would a shiny new toy distracting her child. Then, she and her full cart were wheeling away.

“I have to go but-”

We’ll talk later would have been a lie because who knew if we would. Rin didn’t finish the sentence, just nodding before he chased after the older Japanese woman. 

“You guys have a good talk?” James asked, hand slipping around my waist.

“He forgot the cereal,” I replied. Because I didn’t know if it was good. I didn’t know at all.