The scene before me was hard to discern.

Sir Zantar and Vincent were trying to pull a mountain away from a moving rock? No, not a rock, the entire circle of rocks were coming to life as I watched. Each one unfolded one limb at a time, until it had two arms and two legs like a human… but much chunkier and lumpier. Before my eyes, the words ‘rock gnomes’ slowly started to become all too real.

They were weird, ugly-looking things with large noses and scrunched faces that somehow morphed into an expression despite their skin looking like pure stone. On top of their heads, they had an actual rock, sitting as a hat, but also looking like it was a part of their actual bodies. Their hands and feet were five times the proportion of a human’s, but their bodies were ten times smaller. 

“Leo, get away from them! They are waking from their slumber!” Vincent yelled in the most calm panic voice I had ever heard. He gave up on pulling Leo and readied his sword.

“Everyone, spread out. One is manageable, but in numbers they are formidable. Don’t let them overwhelm you!” Sir Zantar yelled. He was still attempting to get the large man to back off, but with much less attention on that and far more on watching the rocks.

“Glorious! I can finally kill something!” Blaze hissed as he brought out a greatsword I had never seen before. It was even bigger than the large sword he’d been trying and failing to cut leaves when I received Knightshade. Just where did he keep all of those weapons? This one didn’t even seem to fit in his armor!

But more importantly, would a metal sword even work against rocks?

“I’ve never hunted rock gnomes before! I wonder if you can cook them?” Pip squeaked, readying a cooking knife. I hoped you couldn’t… I didn’t want to eat rocks.

Also, Pip was starting to scare me a little.

“Everyone, calm down. They are our friends!” Leo yelled in a happy voice that now had a sadder edge of betrayal. He easily shook Sir Zantar off of him and kneeled down to be closer to the first one he’d been petting.

I couldn’t help but be on the cautious side with everyone around me—other than Leo—taking up arms. I readied Knightshade and waited in a low stance, weight resting firmly at my center. 

I felt painfully unprepared for this fight, and hoped desperately it wouldn’t come to that, and that Leo was right.

For a moment, nothing happened. 

The gnomes just stared at us, and we back at them… other than Leo who was still petting one.

“Hey buddy! We were just checking out your well here, and thought that maybe—”

Leo never got a chance to finish, because the gnome in front of him let out a strange, screeching, horrible sound…

And all of the gnomes began to charge.

Oh shit.

It really was time for action.

The circle of gnomes jumps up in perfect coordination.

Three gnomes immediately attach to Leo: one on each leg and one on his outstretched petting-arm. 

“Aww, you guys want to play?” he asks as he pokes one of them, holding it out in front of his face.

Sir Zantar quickly backs up while yelling something to Vincent I can’t make out, while Blaze runs straight into the fray of rocks, slashing this way and that. 

Though it’s clear he intends to slash, it mostly just looks like he’s playing golf with his sword, while avoiding the grabby hands of the many gnomes that are starting to surround him, with his footwork.

Clink!

Clank!

I can hear the sound of sword on rock, but I don’t see him actually hitting any of the rocks away. 

Instead I see Blaze’s horrified look as he holds the greatsword up and stares for way too long on a specific spot.

Weird.

Why isn’t it affecting them at all?

If he has time to look at his sword in the middle of battle, he should be fine.

I look around and see Pip who straight-up jumps on top of the stones to avoid an incoming attack.

I can’t help but smile, typical Pip with his small frame and fast feet. 

I blink and the next thing I see is him having turned a dodge into a game of hopscotch, jumping from rock-head to rock-head, masterfully avoiding attacks from the sides and below.

So even his full weight doesn’t stop them from trying to react.

What are these things, anyway?

Nothing anyone is doing is affecting them.

I peer around, looking for any solution as to what I am supposed to be doing.

I am trained to have a full picture of the action, so I, as well as others, wouldn’t get hurt, and I’m able to make split-second decisions for moves. But only when I knew ahead of time what the moves were supposed to be.

I had never fought rocks before and nothing seemed to work!

Wait. 

My contemplation had taken precious time I didn’t have.

Are there more rocks than there were before? 

Rolling out from rustling flowers, falling down from shaking trees, we are suddenly in a sea of living rocks.

“Urgh!” I cry as a heavy weight takes hold of my leg. 

One of the gnomes crawls up my leg, like a cat on a tree—a really heavy, really dense, really fat cat. 

Damn these things weigh a ton.

But it isn’t just the one nearly on top of me now. They begin rolling? Running? Moving closer to me, and fast. The way they move looks like waves, coming closer, closer.

I have no time. I need to create more distance.

With one smooth move I use my opposite foot to slide the climbing rock down from my leg, forcing its own weight against it. It works, but only frees me for a second before another gnome climbs over its fallen comrade and takes hold of my foot.

I shake my foot, or rather, try, because I can’t lift it at all.

Why are they so fucking heavy?

I spare a glance over at Leo who now has at least six hanging on his arms and legs. 

He still moves freely and is still trying to… talk to them, it looks like?

What the fuck? How can he walk around with that many when I am struggling with the weight of one?

With no time to think and from pure instinct I slash Knightshade downward.

Cliiing!

Horrible vibrations go through my arm and the sound of metal on rock pierces through my skull. 

Blaze’s horrified look from earlier comes to mind and I instantly know what had happened.

His poor sword!

But more importantly, my poor sword!

Oh no. My love. My darling. Why had I done that? I could hurt her! That amount of force could easily chip her delicate blade.

With a quick inspection I determine her to be safe.

Thank Matty.

She was still strong and beautiful.

I didn’t dare try again. Hitting rocks with a metal sword has proven twice now to do nothing.

The sword-scare costs me precious seconds and my foot is now covered in a small mountain of gnomes.

My steady center is ruined.

I don’t let them grab my other foot, but they are not getting higher up my leg as they fight each other for space. 

If I let this continue, they will crush my foot.

Knightshade won’t be able to help me anymore. 

I have nothing to use against them. 

My balance is good, despite the awkward pose, but I will eventually get tired and fall.

What now?

Just as my brain draws a blank, my white knight in shining armor—or…. hair, rather—emerges to my rescue.

“Neiiiigh!” Prince calls out like a war cry as he kicks the center gnome of the rock mountain off my foot with perfect precision, making the entire pile lose shape and tumble down with it.

Smart horse!

All right then, a good horse kick is enough to send them flying. That’s something useful, finally.

“Thank you, my Prince!” I yell as I slide out from the last gnome and regain my balance. More crawl and roll toward me, but with my dexterity and freedom back, I’m able to weave through them.

At least their weight makes them a bit slow.

Time to get serious. 

If they are too heavy to lift—unless you’re Leo—and too hard to slice, then what can we do? 

Maybe get on our horses and get them to work while we work out a plan?

I look around, but no other horses can be seen. Did they bail on us?

Damn. Prince really is loyal, isn’t he?

So, that’s not an option, what then?

For now I need to create distance.

I use the gnome I previously slid under as a stepping-stone and jump onto Prince. 

Prince takes off without missing a beat, avoiding on-coming gnomes with pin-point accurate placing of his hooves.

Truly a majestic being. I can trust in him to buy me some time to figure this out. 

I take in the current scene from the safety of his back, looking for clues and options.

Despite the constantly increasing pace of Prince’s steps taking me this way and that, I spot Pip still jumping around on top of them, having the time of his life, too fast to get caught.

Good job, Pip.

Prince takes a sharp turn and leaps into the air unexpectedly to avoid a line of gnomes piled on top of each other grabbing towards us with those terribly long fingers.

Oomph. 

A bumpy landing, but Prince keeps going. His movements only get more and more erratic. 

Next, I spot Leo, who now has one, two, three… ten… ten? Did I miscount from all the bumping around? 

I count again, yes, fucking ten! rocks hanging from him, but it still seems like he is trying to make friends and not actually fighting them.

Not to mention they hardly appear to be weighing him down at all.

Why is he so intent on talking to them even in this situation, where they are so clearly hostile?

But when my gaze turns to Sir Zantar, Vincent, and Blaze, my heart drops.

Everything becomes very clear in an instant. They are all standing with rocks climbing up their legs, their swords, and whatever else they have, pulling them to their knees and onto the ground.

“Prince, over there!” I say, tugging his reins in the direction of Sir Zantar.

I don’t know how I can help or what to do, but I need to get closer!

But… Prince doesn’t move.

I hear his struggling neighs as he attempts to pull his body around, but nothing is budging. In fact, we haven’t been moving for a few moments now.

Horrible realization makes me look down. There are at least two gnomes hanging on to each of his hooves, and more attempting to climb up. 

Shit.

My weight is only going to add to the problem now. Maybe I can at least help Prince get free, or help him escape and go get help. He’s a smart horse. He could do that, right?

I leap off and land on the heads of the gnomes.

The rock sea has flooded the entire ground, though oddly enough left the flower beds alone.

With all the power I have, I attempt to kick one of the gnomes off of Prince.

Ow! Fuck that hurts. I hope my toe isn’t broken!

Next thing I know, the ocean of gnomes swarms me and starts dragging me down.

Thump!

My balance fails. 

I fall over and hit the back of my head.

The gnomes crawl all over me, pinning me in place. 

I’m unable to move.

My view is stuck on Pip, still rock-skipping, until the wall of stones that tried to take down Prince moves into his path. 

Pip isn’t able to jump around it or over it like Prince could, and his foot gets caught by the hundreds of fingers grabbing out for him, drowning in the wave of gnomes.

Leo is nearly covered entirely at this point, but somehow still moving?

What is that man made—

PLONK!

Down the mountain of a man goes.

The only ones left standing are the rock-gnomes.

I can basically hear Arri’s voice calling ‘cut’ in my head, as we totally failed the ‘good guys always win’ vibe. 

But there were no retakes here.

We had lost and hit rock-bottom.