Chapter Eight

I will become the empress. I must be proud and graceful. I must become proficient in dignified conduct and refined speech.

I must also never forget to have a merciful and tolerant heart towards the people. Those are the fundamental virtues a perfect empress must be equipped with. Mother and father said that I will be grateful to them when I become an adult. That’s what they always say whenever they pat my head and embrace me, when telling me I’m a good girl.

Whenever my mother hugged me, I felt suffocated, and my nose itched with her strong scent. Whenever my father raised his hand to pat my head, my body flinched, and my heart raced like crazy. But then, as their warm hands touched me, all the bad palpitations I felt disappeared in an instant.

They both love me.

If I come to say my gratitude to them once I grow up to be a good child, an empress, and a lady, will they hug me tight like that again? Will they pat my head?

Father bought me some shoes. The shoes on father’s palm looked very small, with sparkling diamonds used lavishly as ornaments on white satin. But compared to the shoes in mother’s dressing room, these high-heeled shoes fit my feet just right.

“Good girl Isolde, our beautiful daughter,” mother said as she helped me stand up.

My knees were shaking, and the ends of my toes were hurting. Even so, I had to walk. As I walked with a book placed on my head, I would feel the smack of the rod if I got my posture even the slightest bit wrong.

As I was getting used to having an elegant walk befitting a lady, I realized that grace came at a cost. My little toes, striving to adjust, took on an awkward twist and became tender to even the lightest of pressures. Meanwhile, the skin on my heels, enduring the strain, grew fragile and often showed signs of distress.

Mother gave me a corset. She said that she had specially ordered a very valuable corset made from a whale’s bone for me. Saying that a slender body is also a virtue of a lady, mother took away my breathing. Even if it became hard for me to breathe, even if my eyes spun, and even if my stomach was so suffocated that I couldn’t even drink light soup, I had to wear it. Because I have to be the perfect empress.

And then one day, he came into my life.

Leonhardt Tristan von Esphedor. The person who has been promised to be my spouse since we were in our mothers’ wombs. The person, whose name I had to learn to spell and pronounce even before my own name, was an extremely beautiful person. Although the first impression I gave him was the worst I could imagine, His Highness was willing to forgive me with his benevolent heart.

I adore seeing his blond hair shining white in the sun. The violet in his eyes is a color foreign to my all-white room. None of the purple jewels I have can even compare to the clear glint in his eyes. That’s why I like him a lot.

Whenever he appears in my dreams, I cover myself with the blanket up to my head even if I wake up in the middle of it.

If I fall back asleep here, will I be able to see him again?

Sometimes I worry when I close my eyes. But it isn’t the beautiful Crown Prince I get, but mother’s fierce scolding.

I’ve been bad. I’m the wrong one for being greedy. So, mother, please don’t make such a scary face. Please?

A few days ago, His Highness gifted me a pair of shoes. Even though, as a lady, exposing my ankles was very… shameful… I endured my embarrassment because he’s someone who will be my husband.

And then he took off my shoes and helped put the new shoes on me. It reminded me of the princess in the fairytale books mother burned because I was too old to read them. In the book, a prince put on shoes made of glass on the princess. In my case, instead of glass shoes, that person put a pair of flat shoes with blue flower embroidery on me.

After that, I spent a very dreamy day with him. For the first time ever, I found out what color the sky was, how warm the sunshine in spring was, what sound my footsteps made when I walked on the lawn, and what the flower garden smelled like.

Leon. I tried to say his name silently under the blanket in the middle of the night so no one could hear.

Leon, Leon. Leon.

It felt ticklish in the corner of my heart even with just that.

What is this ticklish and fluttering feeling that feels different from what I feel whenever I see father? Even though my cheek that mother slapped was still throbbing, I have felt fine since I could say his name.

Leon.

A smile just from that name.

***

“You didn’t show a shameful side to His Highness, did you?”

“N-not at all. His Highness personally escorted me himself. And he proposed to me in the flower garden!”

“What did you say?”

Why is mother making that expression? I never did anything wrong to His Highness, did I?

Mother started to look at me up and down. My gaze followed hers, and I could feel my face burning. My goodness! There were spots of green and brown smeared over the entire white dress. To think I showed such an appearance to Leon. I couldn’t even lift my head because of my embarrassment.

“It’s my faul… Ahh!” Stars exploded in my eyes. I couldn’t process what just happened and just sat there in silence.

Then tears flowed down, stinging my cheek. Oh, so mother slapped me on the cheek. Rather than touching my burning cheek, I crawled to mother and begged for forgiveness.

If I were His Highness, there would be no way I would’ve forgiven a lady with such an appearance. Everything was my fault.

“…Isolde.”

“I was wrong, mother. I was bad. I won’t do it again.”

“Even at this moment, there are young ladies and young lords who are holding their engagement ceremony or announcing the end of their engagement in the documents inside the office of fathers all over the world…” Mother started to talk about something difficult.

I couldn’t understand what she meant, but I just stayed on my knees and lowered my head. What if mother makes me wear a corset again? Will I have to wear high-heeled shoes again from now on?

“But you, Isolde, my dear… you had the extreme honor of being born as an empress. How can you not realize how fortunate you are and that it is the greatest happiness a woman can enjoy?!”

Mother only speaks so formally to me whenever she’s extremely mad. This is bad.

I breathed in and out, slowly, to stop my body from shaking. My heart started pounding again.

“I can’t believe you would show such an indecent appearance instead of captivating his heart! You’ve wasted all of my teachings! And what’s with that weed on your hand?! What if you get a grass irritation on your fingers?! Just how old are you that you’re still so…!”

“His Highness gave this to me!”

“…And now you’re even lying?”
I had to be caned again that night. It was agonizing, but I endured it because I would’ve gotten twice the beating if I cried.

My chest hurt. But I was being honest. Leon was really the one who gave it to me. Why won’t she believe me?

My legs hurt so, so bad. I couldn’t feel anything anymore. I blacked out at one point.

When I opened my eyes, I was already lying in bed. Right next to me was my mother. Hiccup! I was so shocked I started hiccupping. Mother gave me a glass of water. Hiccup… Hiccup! I drank all the water, but I wouldn’t stop hiccupping.

Hiccupping in front of other people is an embarrassing thing for a lady, so I became scared again when my hiccups wouldn’t stop.

“…What in the world is wrong with you?”

But mother breathed out a deep sigh instead of scolding me.

What to do? Mother is so sad that I couldn’t become an excellent lady.

“Just look at this room. This carpet is a very valuable item made out of the fur of a white bear that only exists in the northern country. The wallpaper is made from spiderweb silk, the table is made completely from marble, and the bookshelf is made from a white tree that only grows in one forest. And is that all? The food you eat, do you know how many people worked hard to make them just for you only? You’re living without any shortage, so what do you lack that you’re… you’re…”

“I was wrong, mother.” Even though I didn’t need a table made from marbles or a carpet made from the fur of a bear. I wanted to see my mother smile. I just wanted her to hug me tightly. “I won’t make a mistake anymore next time.”

“Next time? Do you think there’s a next time? Listen well, Isolde. You’re going to be the empress. You still don’t know how strict the etiquette of the imperial family is! Everything I’m doing is for your sake. Please just understand this mother of yours. Okay?”

Mother had a sad expression on her face. I nodded my head. “Understood, mother. I won’t do that again.”

So please smile again. Please hug me tight. Please tell me I’m a good girl.

Hearing my words, mother finally smiled and gave me a tight hug. But, huh? Weird. It was a completely different feeling from when Leon held me tight. It felt bad, as if a big toad were hugging me.

Fortunately, the flower ring His Highness gave me had been placed in the jewelry box, where the most precious rings were stored. It had started to wither and dry up… but compared to rings with diamonds, sapphires, or rubies, I much preferred the flowers.

And it made me want to grow up fast. They said I can live in the imperial palace if I officially become the Crown Princess.

If I go to the palace, Leon will be there.

They said Leon wouldn’t be able to spend time with me often because he’s very busy as the Crown Prince. But it already made me happy to think that we would be in the same space.

Ah, I might not get caned anymore! But I’m worried for Leon right now. Does Leon actually get caned as well? Does he have to practice walking with books on his head every day? That’s why I wrote a letter to Leon. I wrote compliments for the season and “dear” at the very bottom. However, my letter couldn’t reach Leon.

“Did your mother teach you this?”

Apparently, a lady must never send a letter first. Father rebuked me and burned my letter entirely. I was sad, but since father is always right, I was probably the one at fault again this time.

I’m a lady who will become the future empress. I should know some shame. I have to grow up to be the perfect, excellent lady.

So, without my father and mother knowing, I wrote a letter in my heart and whispered it to the stars outside my window. How wonderful it was to walk the gardens with him. How miraculous it was to have you inside the landscape of my spring.

I wanted to talk about how I felt so comfortable when I sat on the grass, how I smelled a sweet scent I’d never smelled before in the wind, and how everywhere I turned I would find colors I had never seen before.

When you put the ring on my finger, your heart was pounding and your face was all flushed, just like mine, wasn’t it?

I asked the stars to ask you if you could teach me what joy is, and what happiness is. I don’t know if sending a letter to the stars was something befitting an excellent lady or not, but I prayed that my letter would reach Leon.

Leon, please make me happy. Please let me stay by your side as you tell me what happiness is.