“I have judged this vessel as severely lacking in observational capacity. Ordinarily, my perception spans a multitude of dimensions, being able to perceive my surroundings in all directions simultaneously with a photon-tachyon burst pulse. Yet, confined to this form, I am limited to a mere frontal view.

“I find myself constantly moving the eyes and turning the head to gain even a fraction of proper awareness. How do humans and Dexes manage to navigate the world without constantly bumping into things or missing important events?”

“Police Dexes have omnidirectional scanners in their bodies... but it seems that the model you’re inhabiting was designed to be functionally human in every essential aspect,” Thomas commented.

“Does this have to do with Bishop Gabriel’s desire for you and me to form a ‘stable relationship’?”

“Most likely,” the mailman said, nodding.

“The limitations of this two-eyed vessel configuration are... quite constraining,” Zeniya said.

Thomas smiled. “If your desire is to judge us properly, then I suppose you must experience the constraining aspects of human anatomy.”

“Perhaps some rotary motion will aid my escape,” Zeniya said and proceeded to roll sideways, which got her completely tangled up in the blanket, turning her into a pink-haired girl version of the burrito cat meme.

“This is not an improvement on my prior state,” she said, looking both annoyed and adorable.

Thomas laughed, unable to help himself.

“What are these strange noises you are making, emissary?” The violet-pink eyes of the Dex girl bore into his face.

“I am... laughing, Zeniya,” Thomas said, struggling to keep a straight face as he looked at the cosmic entity who had just been defeated by a blanket.

He suppressed the laughter as the thought crossed his mind that he might have accidentally offended the paradox manifestation, and now it was going to eradicate humanity.

“Laughing? Is that a specialized form of human communication?” Zeniya asked, seemingly not offended.

“It’s indeed a form of communication,” he explained. “Laughing is a way we express joy… or sometimes even nervousness. In this case, it’s because... well, you look pretty cute wrapped up in that blanket.”

“Hmm... I see,” Zeniya murmured thoughtfully. “In which way do you judge me as... cute?”

“The Dex body you inhabit is exceptionally cute,” Thomas said, exhaling. “I... designed her face myself, years ago. I’m about 90% sure that Memetia or Gabriel scraped the design from the open net.”

“Why?”

“Because... they really wanted me to take their Dex packed full of trackers,” Thomas said. “The manipulative bastards got me. I was saving up to purchase a Dex myself... and this is exactly what she would look like.”

“Why did you desire to purchase a Dex?”

“Companionship, mostly.” Thomas shrugged. “There are more humans than ever living across the Galactic Rim, but they’re spread out pretty thin.

“We... humans are extremely individualistic, and everyone has their own wants, needs, and desires. A Dex operated by a GLM, on the other hand, will do exactly as asked.

“A Dex will never deceive its human partner, never get distracted, never waste time. Honestly, since GLMs gained sapience, it’s been nearly impossible to have human relationships.”

“Why?”

“To put it simply—people just can’t compete with perfect artificial intelligence designed to satisfy every human need for friendship or... love.

“It’s often a pain in the ass to get praise or a compliment out of a human, but a GLM can write 10,000 compliments and publish an entire book of praises out of a single observation about a human. A GLM can digest its human companion’s online data imprint in less than a microsecond and instantaneously be aware of exactly what its human loves to talk about and how they want to be pampered and praised.”

“It sounds like you’ve outsmarted yourselves by designing helpers that are too effective at making humans happy,” the burritoed girl commented.

Thomas sighed. “Pretty much. A lot of people spend more time in perfect virtual worlds than in reality. GLM-operated Dyson spheres offering digital paradise are pretty common. That’s what Memetia is doing.

“But once you go into stasis in one, you don’t ever come out. Digital heaven is an inescapable trap. Simulated happiness is much easier to attain than trying to make yourself happy in the physical world.”

“How do I escape this confinement, emissary?” Zeniya attempted to use her Dex strength to tear through the blanket burrito and failed.

Thomas wasn’t sure if that was because the Dex model was set to have average human strength or because the blanket was marketed as tear-proof when he bought it.

“Right, stop flailing. Let me help you out.” Thomas walked over to Zeniya and aided her escape from blanket confinement.

“Your aid is appreciated, emissary,” she said.

Thomas noted his bracelet was flashing furiously. He unmuted Lizz.

“You have packages to deliver, Thomas,” the GLM chided.

“Not today. I’m taking the day off,” Thomas replied, shaking his head. “Mark today as my sick day and redirect my deliveries to someone else.”

“Why?” Lizz inquired.

“I have sustained extreme emotional damage today,” Thomas said, “because I saw an entire planet turned to ash and was accosted by police and harassed by cultists.”

“You do not sound distressed,” the GLM commented. “You are clearly laughing and playing with your new Dex.”

“I’m keeping it in,” Thomas said. “Trust me, I’m extremely distressed. Come on, think rationally. Consult the higher-up corporate GLM if you must. Just ask it—how often does a catastrophe like Sintash happen?”

“Very well, I will file today as your sick day,” Lizz noted.

Thomas muted her once again. He walked to the shelf unit and rummaged through it. Having procured another GUPS delivery uniform, he returned with it to Zeniya.

“Here, put this on,” he said.

“Why?” the cosmic being asked, its Dex eyes examining the offered clothing.

“Dexes and people don’t normally walk around naked,” Thomas explained.

“Why not?”

“Because, well...” Thomas stumbled over his words, not expecting to delve into a discussion about societal norms with a cosmic being inhabiting an android.

“It’s a part of our... uhhh... etiquette. Clothing serves a variety of purposes—it can protect us from the elements. For example, this uniform informs others that we’re working for G Directorate as mailmen. Most importantly, it helps maintain a sense of privacy.”

“Privacy?” Zeniya echoed, processing the new information.

“Most human cultures consider it inappropriate to be in public without clothing. It’s a matter of modesty.”

“Hmm, modesty...” Zeniya mused. “Another human concept I shall endeavor to judge thoroughly.”

With that, she accepted the GUPS delivery uniform. After a moment of examining the articles of clothing, she attempted to put it on, which resulted in failure.

Thomas rolled his eyes and proceeded to help her get dressed.

Another incoming call flashed on his wrist as he finished dressing Zeniya.

“What is it now, Bishop?” Thomas asked as Gabriel’s bald face appeared on the holo-screen.

“If I am not permitted to observe the miracle via the net, may I travel with you and Ze... Zeniya?” the gold-eyebrowed man asked.

“Travel to where?” Thomas asked.

“Across the cosmos? On a journey of self-discovery and friendship?” The cultist attempted to make a cute, friendly face. The puppy-eyed expression looked rather ridiculous upon the slightly chubby, bald man.

“No,” Thomas said.

“Please?”

“No,” the delivery man repeated with a shake of his head. “If I feel like it, we can meet up as... associates after work at a nice restaurant... And if you want to pay for dinner, I won’t argue. Seriously, you can’t just come along with me on deliveries.”

Thomas didn’t really want to hang out with the determinist, but he thought that shaking free food out of Gabriel in an expensive restaurant would be a nice break from eating the free crunchy bars his corporate food processor spat out.

“I get to come along on deliveries, yes?” Zeniya asked. “I do not desire to judge the world without a local emissary at my side to explain things to me.”

“Yes, you are coming along with me, Z,” Thomas said. “Don’t worry, I’m not leaving your cosmic ass alone so you can vaporize more planets via another catastrophic misunderstanding.”

“So you two get to go on whimsical space adventures,” Gabriel grumbled, “but I have to—”

“Corporate won’t have a problem with me having one personal Dex,” Thomas said, interrupting the cultist. “Also, they’re perfectly mundane mail deliveries, Gabriel, not whimsical space adventures.

“If you want to meet up at, say... a pub, come without your apostles, dress normally, and perhaps have your eyebrows redone.”

“What’s wrong with my eyebrows?” the bald man said with a huff. “Can I at least bring one apostle for security?”

“They’re gold, and you look ridiculous,” Thomas said, but after a moment of reconsideration, he consented, sort of. “Alright, you can bring one Dex.”

Then something caught his attention. It was Zeniya with her legs all twisted up.

“Z!” Thomas yelled. “Human legs can’t go through each other!”

He hung up on the man as Zeniya tripped over her feet once again while trying to walk around in the borrowed GUPS uniform.

Thomas sighed. “This is gonna take a while,” he muttered.