GRAY. 

PAST.

Looking down at the weathered face of the man that I call my father, it absolutely destroys me. I know what he wants to say to me, how he doesn’t want his death to affect anything.

He’s wrong.

It affects everything in my life.

It is never going to be the same without him here because it is going to destroy me. I keep trying to decide what I’m going to say or do, how mom and Liam are going to react. Dad is the glue, the one who brought me into this family.

They have no obligation to help me if they don’t want to. They have no reason to. I’m nothing special.

“Take care of mom and Liam.” Jason murmurs in that soft voice, watching me with a small smile on his thin face, his lips cracked, “I’m not going to be here for much longer, Silas, and they need you. They need you to protect them. They need you to be the one strong because I’m afraid neither one will be able to.”

His words soften me.

I know he is right, and I wish that I could say more to prove everything to him. I’m trying. I’m hoping that he is going to have a miracle. He has to survive because I don’t know what I’m going to do without him. He is the light at the end of the tunnel.

And he is going to leave me back in the dark.

“I love you, Silas.” Dad murmurs, his eyes softening more, "I'm so happy that you were brought into my life because I know now that I wouldn’t have it any other way. Promise me that you won’t let my death get to you.”

I can’t promise.

“I will do my best.” I assure him, this knot forming inside of me, “but you just need to rest and not die. We need you.”

He settles back on the bed, staring up at the ceiling, “unfortunately, I think that is for me and fate to figure out. I don’t know when my time is going to come but it’ll be okay. I’m ready.”

But I’m not…

Dad died not even six days later, and it forever left a hole within me that I couldn’t fix.