POV: Skylar

I feel like I'm having a midlife crisis except I'm still freaking young! Like I just realized I have no freaking clue who I am. Like I've always just done what people told me to do. My mom wanted me to do good in school and pursue track so I did. Jade wanted to move to L.A. and buy a house together, so we did. I just do what people tell me to do, no questions asked.

Which brings me back to my problem.

WHO AM I!?

I have no freaking clue.

I only like what people tell me to like. I've never actually done something because it was what I wanted to do. I never actually bought something because it's what I wanted to buy. I'm not even sure what my favorite color is anymore.

The front door shutting causes me to jolt.

Damn it.

I was trying to get in and out without having to face Jade.

She must have rushed home when she saw me deactivate the alarm from her phone.

I quickly shove more clothes into my bag and make a bolt for the door. She blocks me before I can escape.

"Jade," I sigh.

"So you thought you could just sneak in here while I was at work?"

"I don't want you to stop me."

"Don't go," she embraces me in a hug and holds me in place.

"Damn it Jade," my eyes water.

"Stay!" she demands.

I drop my bags and wrap my arms around her. She cries softly into my chest. Every whimper is a sledgehammer to my resolve. If I could just take her away, go somewhere we could live alone in paradise without a care in the world, I'd do it.

I just want her all to myself.

What is wrong with me?

"I know you love me; I know you do." She says.

"Jade, I can't..."

"No." she holds me tighter.

"You want to know the truth?" I push her back and hold her at shoulder length.

Her green eyes sparkle at me through tears.

"I do love you. I love you so goddamn much that it hurts! It hurts me Jade when you are away. Even for just a few hours. I make myself sick because I worry and think about you constantly. I love you so much that I don't even know who I am! I'm so lost. I love you so much I forget to love myself."

"Skylar..."

"I don't know who I am..." my voice cracks.

She wipes my tears with her thumb and stares at me with a deep pain on her face.

"I can help you," she offers.

"I'm so lost, so confused. If I stay my love will turn to resentment. It's already started. I blame you for all sorts of stupid shit that isn't your fault. I feel so bitter when you blow me off. I thought I was cheating because I was lonely, but now I'm not so sure. I just... I don't know what to do. I need to figure this out. I need to figure out who I am. This isn't your fault, it's mine. I have issues. I can't keep being what you need without destroying myself in the process. I'm sorry."

"Is there anything I can do?" she asks.

"You can let me go."

I see the moment her heart crumbles to dust. I see the light fade from her eyes. I see that life on her face vanish in an instant. I feel my own light die and my own will to live diminish into nothingness.

For so long all I ever wanted was her.

She's the one thing I chose out of everything else in my life that was chosen for me.

I fought so hard for her.

I would die for her.

How can I just leave?

We stare at each other in silence debating on what to say, if there is even anything left to say. She just slowly hugs me, resting her head on my chest in silence.

"Okay," she finally says.

And just like that, the one thing I ever knew about myself was destroyed.

I actually felt my soul rip in two. For a moment I just wondered what the point of living was anymore. I went to a very dark place. I got lost there. I couldn't find my way back. I just had to get a grip. Hold on to something, someone, anything. I needed stability.

I slipped out of Jade's arms and fell to the floor, and just sat there. For a moment everything went black. Or at least I felt like it did. When I came to I was a crying mess, just on the floor bawling like a big baby. My face felt numb. My skin tingled all over. I think I was having a panic attack.

She wraps her arms around me and pulls me into her lap and suddenly everything is okay again. I can feel myself start to calm down. Feel my heart continue to beat on. What is wrong with me?

Why do I feel like this?

What am I doing?

What have I done?

Who am I?

What do I want?

"Just because we can't be together doesn't mean you aren't my best friend. You will always be my best friend Skylar. Always. I love you, and I don't know what's wrong or how I can fix it, but I want to be there for you. No matter how painful it will be. Friends till the end."

I turned in Jade's arms and kissed her full-on.

She didn't miss a beat.

I don't know why but I was suddenly desperate to feel close to her again, to feel our spark. To feel okay. To feel alive. I needed it more than anything else.

When she kissed me...

I felt nothing.

I tried so hard.

I went all the way with her, I did all that I could to pull that spark out. Though I love her, the spark we had is gone. It's gone and I don't know where it went. I needed that spark to feel alive, to light a fire in me. But there was nothing.

It really is over.

As Jade lay naked in bed, sound asleep I grabbed my clothes, got dressed, took my stuff, and left.

I wanted to bring Cloud with me but couldn't bare to separate the cat from his partner in crime The Countess. They've grown up together, they rely on each other. They are family. Family shouldn't be separated.

I called Darleen, mostly because I felt like if I didn't hear her voice I was going to do something stupid.

She answered.

"Hey wifey."

"Darleen..." My voice cracked.

"What's wrong?" she got serious.

Only staggered sobs escaped my lips. I just felt so raw, so dead inside.

"Skylar?"

It all just comes pouring out of me. How I tried to go and get my things. How Jade and I talked. How I slipped and let her make love to me. How I felt nothing at all.

"What if I don't ever feel anything again? What if I'm broken?" I cried into the phone.

"Don't say that. You're not broken. You just got to find someone new. A new spark. Or better yet create your own spark. No fire can burn as bright as the one you light within yourself."

"I just want to die." I whimper.

"Skylar don't say that."

"But it's true! Jade was the only thing that ever felt right to me and now... now I don't feel anything. Nothing makes sense anymore. I don't know who I am without her. I don't know where I'm going, or what to do. I'm so lost. I can't... I can't do this anymore."

"Do what?"

"This... I'm so tired Darleen."

"Listen to me, don't do anything stupid okay? Look I'll catch a flight and come and see you. Just hold on okay."

"I'm such a mess. Worse than Lexi. Don't waste your time on me. Just stay away from me okay."

"Skylar stop, don't do anything okay."

"Goodbye, Darleen." I hung up.

Maybe I wasn't in the right state of mind. Maybe I was overreacting. But to be honest the world just felt like it was spinning so fast. I was so overwhelmed. I just wanted to scream for it all to stop. I just needed a moment to catch my breath.

What do you do when nothing makes sense anymore?

Where do you go from there?

There was no center to my universe. I was spinning out of control. My heart was pounding so hard, my head felt like it was going to float off my body. I couldn't stop shaking. It was all just too much. I needed it to stop. I needed a moment. Just a single moment.

I went to that overpass again and I just stood there before crumbling to the floor and rocking back and forth as I held my knees to my chest. I was shaking so badly, crying so harshly my throat hurt.

This has never happened to me before.

At least not that I could recall at that moment.

I couldn't breathe.

I couldn't do anything.

I was just paralyzed in panic.

My phone was ringing and ringing but I couldn't hear It over the ringing in my ears.

"Skylar!" someone screaming my name finally broke through to me.

I felt warm hands cup my face and force me to look into her eyes.

Vida.

She was talking but I was still panicking too much to hear or understand. I watched her pull out her phone and call Jade. She helped me off the floor and over to her car and into the passenger seat.

My skin felt like it was being pricked by tiny little cactus needles. Like I had fallen into a whole field of cacti and rolled down a hill with them stuck to me. When I would close my eyes it felt like only half a second had passed but when I would open them, it had been several minutes.

I went from being on the overpass to being at Vida's apartment. To being at her apartment on her couch. When I blinked again Jade was there. She was on the phone with Darleen.

What was happening?

I couldn't comprehend it.

Suddenly I just felt exhausted and coiled into a ball and fell asleep.

I don't know what just happened but whatever it was I could deal with it tomorrow.

Or never.

I choose never.