When we got to the hospital, they hooked Sana up to an EKG machine. I was a lot more calm, knowing I had to help him. I held his hand, protecting him as he always protected me. They gave him an IV line, hooked him up to monitors for his O2 level, a heart monitor, a blood pressure machine. They discovered his O2 to be too low, so they put an oxygen mask on him. I was scared seeing these things, but I knew it was just to help him, so I remained calm. 

My mom, my papa, Natsuko, and Haru arrived. The nurse said that was too many people for the room, in case medical personnel needed to clear us out at a moment's notice. So, only my mom and I remained in the room. My papa, Natsuko, and Haru told us to update them with any news immediately, and went to the waiting room. 

Once alone, my mom embraced me. She held me tightly. I put my chin on her shoulder and closed my eyes. She just said "I'm sorry" over and over, getting more emotional. My throat got tight, and my nose started to run. I sniffed hard, and all of my tears released. My arms wrapped around her even tighter than she was holding on to me, and I just sobbed. So loud, just with abandon. She swayed me back and forth slowly, just as she'd done for me when I was a child. 

Forty minutes later, when I was calm, my mom was covering Sana with another blanket to make him feel warm. He was still asleep, the heart monitor beeping steadily. The doctor had come in to ask questions. They revealed the EKG test result, saying he wasn't out of the woods. This was devastating, and I'd put my head in my hands, and felt my mom's hand on my back. 

I knew I had to call Sana's best friend, and drummer of Lyra, Yami. He'd been Sana's best friend since high school, and had helped him found Lyra. I knew Yami would tell the rest of the members. Yami was the closest person Sana had to a family. Sana had no one else. 

I dialed his number, and waited. I hoped so hard that it wouldn't go to voicemail. It rang for so long. I normally would have gotten angry at that, but I was numb. Finally, he picked up, saying "hello" so casually. 

"Yami, listen to me."

"Huh?" He was taken aback by my serious tone. 

"Sana had a heart attack."

I was met with silence. A long silence. I waited. 

"Is... Um... Is he... O- Okay?" He was stuttering.

"I don't know yet. He's breathing."

"Ohhh." He let out a long sigh. 

"We're in Yokohama. Can you and the rest of Lyra come here? You're Sana's family. He needs you."

"Oh. Ye- Yes, we can. We'll come over there right away. I'll find everybody. Don't worry. Which hospital?" 

I told him, and the room number. 

"I'm glad you called me. Sana made me the equivalent of his next of kin on paper. I have his living will, everything. I'll bring the papers. Just please, whatever you do, don't get his family involved. You don't want to, believe me. If they ask, say he doesn't have any and that I am his next of kin. Please. Please, please, please." He was begging me in a desperate voice. His next words made my heart sink into the ground. Made me want to collapse to my knees. His voice broke. "Please don't let his family know. If- if they find him and claim him, they'll bury him the wrong way. They'll bury him under the wrong name. Please. Pleeease. Please." He was crying now. Sobbing. Wherever he was in the world, he was just there crying, and it sounded like he was outside somewhere, crowd sounds, the sound of music from a shop or a restaurant somewhere. "Please, I have to bury him in a white dress. He- he-" he coughed and a loud, lasting, whining sob rang out from him like a hurt dog. "He told me he wants to be buried in a white dress. Its his favorite co- coloooor..." He was just sobbing now, wailing. 

Tears were streaming down my face as I stared at Sana. His face covered in the oxygen mask. His closed eyes. 

"I understand," I assured Yami. "I wouldn't even know how to contact them. Sana never told me where they live, or their phone number, anything." 

"G- gooood," Yami sobbed. "Don't tell them. Don't tell them." Said in whispers. He didn't seem to register that I didn't know how to. Just so determined.

In two hours, Sana's band members were there. Yami just stared at Sana, his hands tightly over his mouth, just frozen. His other band members stood in the doorway, unable to come into the room due to the limit of the number of people. There was a woman included who I didn't know, who I'd later find out was Shizue, the Shi-chan that I'd come to know and adore later.

Finally, Yami spoke, walking over to the bed and gripping the rail. "You finally did it," he said, almost in a whisper, talking to Sana. "Sana-chan, why? Why, why..." 

I didn't understand the meaning of his words. His fingers dipped to Sana's ear, brushing his hair behind it, so gentle, like a lover. And he started to cry, slowly at first, but then just rolling sobs. I went over and embraced him, held him, as he just lost it. I heard the quiet tears of his friends in the doorway. We cried together. 

After a while, as we sat together, and the rest of Sana's friends had gone to wait with my family, Yami took out his cellphone. "I have to call Yokohara-sensei," he explained. I just nodded. I couldn't believe it. I'd forgotten to call Sana's doctor. Sana had told me in an emergency, I had to call his doctor. His doctor knew his endocrine disease the best, and would be able to assist any doctor who treated him. I listened to him as he waited on the phone. Surprisingly, Yokohara-sensei answered pretty quickly.

Yami wasted no time. He told her exactly what was going on. Exactly what I had told him had happened. About the symptoms I'd remembered from earlier in the day, everything. He was quiet for a long time, as Yokohara-sensei spoke. He told her he understood, and hung up. He breathed deeply and looked at me. "Yokohara-sensei is on the way," he said. "Not as Sana's doctor. But, and I don't know if Sana told you, but, Yokohara-sensei and Sana are so close that she's kind of like, something like, Sana's mom. She knows absolutely everything about Sana." 

I was devastated. My head dropped in shame. Kicking myself inside, for not calling her sooner. For forgetting.

My mom appeared in the doorway some time later, holding canned teas for us. She asked for any updates, and we told her there weren't any. She just nodded, telling me later she hadn't known what to say. She and my family had been talking to Sana's friends in the waiting room. They'd been telling my family about Sana's medical history. I didn't know at the time, but they had no idea that Sana is transgender. The only people in the world who knew were me, Yami, and Yokohara-sensei. Because Sana chose to live his life as something called "stealth", which is when a transgender person transitions and never tells anyone that they were anything else other than the gender they know they are. 

That was when Yami decided to tell me something about Sana's medical history that I had no idea about. And I felt so sad, that I couldn't drink the tea that my mom had just handed me. 

"Sana's heart was weakened and injured about ten years ago. I need to tell the doctor this when he comes back. Or...should I tell him now? But. Sana has a condition within his disease where when his inflammation from in his chest gets too bad, liquid can start to pool in his heart cavity, and this strains his heart as it tries to pump. About ten years ago, his lungs inflamed very badly because he was doing too much just non-stop, not listening to the warning signals from his body. He was in the hospital for about two weeks. It was so bad, that so much liquid was in his heart cavity. His heart strained so hard. Too hard. It weakened. They stopped the inflammation, they got the liquid to stop pooling. He returned to normal. But his heart is weak. I wonder if this is from that." 

I was speechless. Just nothing in my brain. Just stopped. 

Why? Why... He hadn't told me that. Why hadn't Sana told me that? If I'd known that... I stared at him, his blonde hair, the delicate waves of it. The blue strings of his oxygen mask. My vision became blurry again, and I let out a choking sound. I put my tea can on the floor, and my face was in my hands. I felt Yami's hand rubbing my back. 

But what he said next, just floored me. 

"Now, Tetsu-san, I need to ask you something. Take it or leave it." His tone was so serious. I just nodded into my hands. He let out a giant sigh. "Do you, or do you not, love Sana?" 

My face slowly emerged from my hands, turning to look at Yami. He was staring at me, his face deadly serious. Staring at me so sharply. Almost scary. 

I choked on my breath. "Ye- yes. Yes. I love Sana."

"Are you just saying that, or do you really? I need to know."

What was this question all of a sudden? Why was he asking me this? Something in me felt violated. My anger level raised. "Yes, I love Sana. Why are you asking me this?!" I asked sharper than he was even looking at me. My voice like a knife. 

"Because I need to know if you're going to stay or go. Because if you're going to go, then I'm going to step in."

The world tilted a little bit. I closed my eyes to keep myself steady. A small rise of nausea rose in my stomach. If I was going to go? I would never go. I knew that now. From that question. Never. As much as I hated him for asking that, I just knew. It made me nauseous to think about leaving Sana. Even for a second, that thought. I just started shaking my head. Shaking it so hard. I couldn't speak. 

"Really think about it. You've only known Sana for barely two months. How devoted to him are you? I really need to know. This is serious. This is his life. I can't bear to think of it any other way, but this: we're watching his starlight go out. He's my star, Tetsu-san. He's my everything. I revolve around him. He's my whole life. Since high school, I knew. From the first time I heard him sing. I had to be his friend, and he's been by my side ever since. My mom is like his mom, too. He even named my dog."

From the first time I heard him sing.

A memory. A thin voice, on a breeze. Singing familiar French words. That song. 

I knew. I just knew. Like an electric shock throughout my whole body, paralyzing me, rooting me to my chair. My eyes glazed over, and my mouth dropped open. I froze.

"I've loved him since the first day I met him," I said, almost in a whisper, realizing this. "I love him. I love him, I love him." I began to cry again. My hands gripped my thighs, so hard.

Yami was quiet. We were both quiet for a long time. 

Later that day, Sana was transferred to an intensive care unit in Tokyo. The doctor there learned of Sana's medical history from Yokohara-sensei. He stayed there for nearly a month. He recovered, but not all the way. My parents offered to let us stay with them, and we accepted. 

But, before we left, Yokohara-sensei admitted devastating news to us. "He might not get much better than this. I don't know how to tell you," she told us, as we sat in a waiting room all together. "I don't know how to tell you that you might only see him decline. I was worried before all of this, because his liver started to fail a little, his brain no longer telling his liver to release glycogen as much. Its the process that regulates low blood sugar. I saw it. I should have told you my concerns, Yami." She bowed her head, and I could see her eyes were glassy, a shimmer in the light as she did it. Yami just shook his head, trying to assure her. 

"Its not your fault, Yokohara-sensei," I said, trying to assure her further. 

She nodded. She blinked hard a few times, and raised her head to face us again. "You may not know this, and I'm not telling you this as Sana's doctor. I'm telling you as his friend." We all waited, not moving, maybe not even breathing. We'd all grown so close in the past month. We were all family now. She continued. "When Sana was twenty-three, I had to tell him that he might not live past thirty because of his disease. He was so sad, but he eventually accepted it, and told me he'd live his life to the fullest. He told me he'd told Yami, and they'd arranged documents in case he passed away. That it was all settled. He got the courage to smile at me. I know if I were in that situation, and so young, that I couldn't have smiled. I knew then how strong Sana is. He's the strongest person I've ever met. And now he's thirty-four. He's come so far. He's just... He's come so far." She choked up then, no longer able to keep herself under control. Yami stood up and hugged her tightly as she cried. Eventually, we all started to cry, one by one. My mom held me. 

And now here we were. Waiting for my papa to pick us up in my hometown. I felt Sana's warm cheek against my hand, beautifully warm. Felt him going up and down slightly, with every breath. So sweetly. My hand remained there gently, protecting him from any harm. 

My papa showed up to take us home. Sana didn't even wake up when I transferred him from the wheelchair to the car. He was so exhausted. 

As we drove home, Sana's head was on my shoulder, his body pressed to mine. His hand was in my hand, and I rubbed the back of his hand with my thumb, slowly. As I stared at my thumb making progress across his hand, the streetlights showering us with light again and again, I just thought over and over:

I love you. I love you. I love you.