"Beep beep." I made a face, putting my teeth over my bottom lip and puffing out my cheeks. The purple rose in my hand touched Tetsu's cheek. He looked like he'd been thinking too hard, sitting in his chair like that. I wished he'd join me on the bed like before. 

He laughed. The desired results. "Beep beep," he repeated, saying these cute English words. My mouth opened wide, in a mock gasp. He laughed at this, tried to cover his face, always so modest. 

"Ooh, there it is," I gasped, finally tapping my purple rose on his beautiful nose, between his hands. 

This made him double over in laughter, making me giggle, too. 

"What are you thinking about?" I asked. 

"Nothing."

"You must be thinking of something. You were staring at the wall."

He looked thoughtful for a moment, his large eyes looking to the side, his lips pursed slightly. Lips still shiny with my peach lip gloss. Made my heart pull at my chest. 

"I was thinking about Disneyland." Ohh. There it was.

I was about to ask if he wanted to go there, but he was too quick for me. 

"I was thinking about the first time, that we... When you- No. How do I say it. The first time."

Oh. I put my rose on my own nose. Breathed it in deeply. I closed my eyes in the floral, syrupy scent of it. I knew exactly what he meant. 

The first time we'd gone to Disneyland together was at the end of October. We'd been dating a little under a month. I admit, I wasn't feeling my best that day. But I still believed it could be a good day. I wanted it to be a good day. 

I wasn't wearing the best theme park attire. The outfit was a pink fit and flare off the shoulder dress that fell mid-thigh, showing off my black stockings with a small gap in between. My shoes were red Mary Janes, with wooden heels. My jewelry was white pearls: a white pearl necklace that fell just to below my collarbone, and a matching bracelet. My nails matched my dress and shoes. My hair was a long, curly platinum blonde wig that went to my mid-back. Perched on the back of the half up, half down hair style was a large pink rose decoration, because Tetsu likes pink roses. My makeup was matte pink lipstick and smoldering red eyeshadow, to match, of course. 

I remember, because the incident that happened is forever burned into my brain. I remember down to the necklace I was wearing. And I'll never forget that pink rose. 

I'd met Tetsu at the station to go to Disneyland. He was wearing a black cardigan sweater, a striped long sleeved shirt underneath, and dark blue jeans. I know it was a long-sleeved shirt, because the moment he saw my exposed shoulders he took off the sweater and draped it over my shoulders, fussing. Then he fussed over the bangs of my wig for about five minutes, claiming the wind had moved the fibers out of place. I took this time to shamelessly stare into his eyes. 

I was feeling fine then. 

But when we got to Disneyland, I could tell something was off. The wind was blustery as he'd claimed. It was blowing his shiny black hair all over the place. I liked watching that. We decided to go on some rides first. We went on two of them, and I requested we sit down. 

I had a kind of fuzzy feeling in my face. Kind of a numbness on the tip of my nose. I smiled to Tetsu like nothing was wrong. He suggested we get lunch, so we went off in search of lunch. By the time we found something we both liked and sat down outside, I could feel my hands weakening. I couldn't curl them into a fist if I tried. We sat down, and I hid my hands for the most part. I could hardly grasp my french fries. 

I'll get through this, I thought. It's no big deal. Just eat something.

But then I felt that feeling. That feeling, of my eyes wanting to shut tightly closed and just wanting to flop over. My body just wanting to shut down completely. Just completely useless. I could feel myself starting to breathe a little harder in the effort.

I couldn't show him this. What was I supposed to do?

But then.

"Gasp! Sana-san! Your rose came loose! It's slipping off. I'll fix it!" 

My eyes went wide. He stood up, and in seconds he was beside me. He made little, gentle clicking noises near my ear, carefully undoing the rose from the fibers it was still clinging to. Kind of reprimanding it, I thought, like it was a naughty child or cat. He twisted some of the hair from the side of my face into a braid with such deft hands. He clipped the rose to the back of my head with this braid in place. He then swung around to the other side of my head, and did the same. Recreating my same hairstyle, but with braids instead. Sweet, little braids. He finished these off with my hair elastic, and clipped the rose between the braid pieces, securing it firmly in place. 

My mouth was wide open. No shame. Just utter shock. 

He sat back down. He was laughing, so cute. "What?" He asked, still laughing at me. "What is it?"

That smile of his was my whole universe at that moment. 

"You fixed my rose!" That's all I could say.

"Of course I did!"

"Of course you did." And of course he did. Because how could I forget. I often made the mistake of separating the two people. He seemed so different. But no. The person sitting before me, smiling and laughing at me, was the same Aurelia-san that I had admired for over a decade. Aurelia, Tetsu's stage name. Aurelia, the most beautiful drag queen I'd ever seen. 

I forgot all about how sick I felt. Which was a mistake. I had all this adrenaline from what had just happened. But it's no one's fault. I know that now. Though, I still blame myself. 

After we finished lunch, he asked if I'd like some ice cream. I said yes, because I'm stupid. I watched him go get it. I watched him come back to the table with it. I watched him eat his, as I ate mine. And all the while, I forgot something very important. 

"Want to go shopping? There's some new things I want to check out," he'd said. I eagerly agreed. He got up from his chair. 

I got up from mine. And that's all I remember. 

I woke up in the hospital and I had no idea what time it was. It was the first time I saw his face full of concern. His eyebrows peaked slightly in the middle, his mouth slightly open, the edges turned down. 

Don't look at me with that face. I know what that face is. Please don't look at me. I wanted to die. 

Because, that's the first time Tetsu found out I was sick. And I'd put him through all of that worry, that concern, that crisis feeling. Something I never wanted to ever happen. But I couldn't have prevented it. I had already been feeling off when we'd entered Disneyland. It was beyond my control at that point. No matter what I did. If I'd eaten a different food. If I hadn't eaten that ice cream. If I hadn't walked so much. It didn't matter. Because, my diseased endocrine system was going to do what it wanted to do. All I could do was faint when I had, and then it was ruined, and Tetsu knew, and I was just... I was just this terrible person who'd put him through that. 

I regretted everything at that moment. Reaching out to him that day on his blog. Liking his music. Loving him. Being alive, to cause this. I just wanted to disappear. I knew it was an overreaction, but I couldn't stop the guilt.

But the next moment, he let out a small gasp and grabbed my hand. He started rubbing the back of my hand vigorously with his thumb. His other hand went over his face, and I could see his eyes were glassy. 

But why?

"You're awake!" That comforting voice. He got up from his chair, and leaned over me. And I couldn't believe it. He was fussing with my bangs. And then. His hand was cupping my cheek. Just holding my face. His eyes were staring at me, so gentle. "Are you okay?" He asked, a look of concern on his face. A pained expression in his eyes now. 

I pulled away from him, impossibly. How could I ever do that? I covered my face with my hands. And I just cried. I just cried and cried. And I told him that I am sick. And that I'm sorry. 

We sat there in the hospital room together. I explained about my diseased endocrine system. How it doesn't produce hormones correctly. No thyroid hormone. Insulin in short supply. Inflammation problems inside of me, including on my lungs, making it hard to breathe, somehow caused by this, too. So many things wrong. By almost every organ in my body. Caused by a dysfunction in my brain, a genetic disorder. No cure, just band-aids that didn't really work. That my hormones, which control almost every aspect of my body, fire and flare whenever they want, for no reason at all, because of my brain. That I was sorry I'd kept it from him, but I'd just wanted to feel normal. And how in the world could I show him this, put him through this. How dare I. Don't forgive me.

By the end of it, he was holding both of my hands. I explained and apologized about how I'd felt weak before we'd eaten. How I'd felt that rush of wanting to faint then, but I thought I could fix it. But I'd had no real control. He'd been quiet through the whole tearful explanation.

And then, all he'd said was, "it's not your fault," with that same look of concern.

I was completely speechless.

And now here we were, four months later, in the hospital. I was sick again. Except, my heart had finally decided it wanted to act strange, too, and I was in a wheelchair for the foreseeable future until it could be figured out. Too sick to risk going home for the duration of a blizzard. But he was here with me, even though his parents were elderly and surely needed him more than me. 

He picked up one of the purple roses from the five which remained in the vase next to my bed. So careful. 

I giggled as it poked me on the cheek. 

"Beep beep," he said in English. I giggled even more. "I know what I wanted to say now," he continued. 

"Hmm?" I was staring at his lovely large eyes now, shameless.

He broke into that grin that I love. "I remembered when I fixed your hair for the first time. That expression on your face. You were just..." He made an adorable sound of surprise, which made me laugh and he laughed with me. "Too cute," he sighed, his hands on the sides of his face, enjoying this memory. 

I realized I was enjoying it, too. To think, after the terribleness of that day, this memory was the one he chose to remember. 

My heart became full of butterflies. "I love you," I said, totally relaxed now. 

"I love you, too." 

He leaned over the bed, and I expected him to kiss me. But instead. Ah. Just like on that day, and every one after, he started fixing my bangs.