Slam.

I jumped awake just as the heavy wooden gate bounced off the walls and smacked back to their resting place, whilst the creature slipped past seamlessly. I heard multiple human voices shouting from all around. I didn't need to be awake for this. Closed my eyes again.

I was deposited on something soft. Body, finally permitted to move freely, did so without asking me. Everything spasmed and tingled with sensation of daggers. I hissed and eventually managed to curl up, as much as that was possible. The broken leg professed a hard no to the affair.

The echoing murmurs betrayed multiple presences in a great hall and it forced me to finally take a look. I was in a church. No pews or an altar, but the colourful windows and columns speckled with cherubs agreed with that assessment. The grandiose space was refurbished with couches, tables and several cupboards. The leather-draped demon looked less out of place than the plain furniture.

Past him, several people hid behind the stone embellishments, all armed with different kinds of weapons. The guns... weren't aimed, but not lax either.

"We... Priest is..." one of them started stuttering louder.

"He's coming," an authoritative growling cut him off and we were all back to awkward silence again. I stared at them, they mostly watched the horned monster in a cloak. My groggy head could not begin to make sense of the situation. Was I to be a ritual sacrifice? Was there to be a spiritual cleansing?

I struggled to sit. The pain was paralysing, but I made the effort. Standing up would have made for a better picture, but this would have to do. Clenching my teeth, I reached for demon's surprisingly human hand and cleared my throat. "I do," I said way too loudly in a domed building and gave myself a stabbing pain in the skull.

"You do... what? Oh," the people began throwing stares around and shuffling from foot to foot. Demon remained unimpressed. Well, at least common mortals appreciated my effort. Found my fingers tracing patterns absently on the hand I was still holding. Man, this was so irritatingly soft! Before I could ask which hand cream he was using, the massive doors creaked open again. Someone of unimpressive stature stepped in, leaving more bystanders outside.

"How may I serve?" the man whispered and it carried just like sermon.

He didn't much seem like a priest to me. More like a bulked-up battle monk, but even so the attire was wrong. Black vest, ripped up shirt and pants, heavy boots and fingerless gloves as if he was some kind of gangbanger. Upon closer inspection the lot of them looked similar. Interesting choice, as people fending for themselves outside of big cities usually opted for many-pocketed practicality of the military gear.

Wait. Was this where the boots came from? I looked around eagerly but saw no bare feet.

"Make him well," growling rumbled on throughout the tall ceiling.

Man in a shredded fashion statement shuffled closer to have a better look at me. His expression did not inspire confidence and I would have bet he actually wanted to make case about a big city hospital. Instead, he proclaimed, "Understood."

The horned creature turned and left before my brain caught up. The gate slammed with a boom again. My mouth was entirely different entity, however. "Uh... Was I stood up at the altar? And by the way, you guys really should have left it up. It feels like I'm missing a punch line."

The biker dude at the front crossed his arms and gave me squint full of thought. I gave him a wide grin that was all teeth. Alright, most teeth. And perhaps somewhat bloody.

"Yo, what the fuck, man?" rabble at the back wondered. The crowd was coming in and gawking, even those from outside. I was tired.

Gangbanger-in-chief looked at someone and indicated me with a tilt of his head. "Everyone out," his disinterested voice decreed and swarm started reluctantly shuffling backwards. Their noise from outside still reached me, but it was much easier to breathe the freezing air in this holy fortress.

I reclined on the sofa like I owned the place, tossing arms out widely up on the backrest and gave pointed look to the leader priest guy, "Everyone includes you, bigshot."

The man in charge looked at me as if I was nothing, utterly failing to impress me. I stared back just as blankly.

"Don't push it," someone else bristled up instead.

Perhaps I should anyway. There definitely was a small chance I could convince them of something preposterous. I was just deposited on their doorstep by their god or whatever with no clear instructions. But I was so beat up and tired. Mayhaps tomorrow.

Conceded with a shrug as though it was worth a try. I got glared at some more. He wanted answers. Tough shit, because I just wanted a nap.

Last of the three remaining raised a hand in a shy wave, "Hi, I'm Almoner... You don't seem to be bleeding anymore. It would be better if we rinsed you off first. There's a tub we can heat up, if you're up for that much?"

I perked up. Hot water? I'd sell my soul for less! Sleep would wait, "Ohh! Could you? Please!"

"I'll go get it going," said the grumpy mouthy fellow - after being meaningfully glared at - and finally made himself scarce. Whatever made him feel entitled enough to stay? High up in leadership too? Didn't seem the type.

"Thank you! So much!" I shouted after him wholeheartedly with full grin on my face. Warmth! This would be heaven.

Man tasked with the chore looked back over his shoulder and returned the expression, seeming much more willing to do the task. That one can be buttered up, I noted. Most could be, with just a little flattery or politeness, but it was good to remember which could and couldn't be. Some were outright repulsed permanently. I had a suspicion their sour-faced leader was so.

Found the youth called Almoner stare at me open-mouthed. He's snapped out of it and asked, "So, what's your name?"

"Six-pack Sam," I blurted out. The guy's gaze dropped for a second and as he caught himself, grew flustered.

"A... stripper name?" he asked indignantly and forced a roll of my eyes - says a guy with religious motif for a name. Well fine, perhaps not overly ironic then.

"You are about to ask me to undress," I winked.

"Excuse me?"

"For medical purposes," I suggested and he got even redder. How old was this wide-shouldered innocence?

Our unwilling supervisor interrupted, "Hurry up, I must know what needs done."

"My leg's busted, but it's already mending and I'm not resetting it." It hurt like a bitch, I wasn't going to let anyone touch it – ever again. "Rest are just cuts and bruises."

The two looked sceptical and began giving each other meaningful eyebrows, so I had to intercede, "He only told you to make sure I live, not enable me to run marathons." A bit sad that, but I had put my sprinting days behind me anyhow. My current profession was harder on the knees than thievery.

The man in charge hummed with his eyes narrowing again. If angering a demonic deity was a possibility, I'd be glaring at me too. Or slapping the mysterious being for extra chaos and mayhem, either or. Although not just right now - my arm wasn't turning all the way it should have, so that must be at least fractured also. Parallel cuts on the other one looked putrid. Yeah, perhaps no slapping for a little while.

"In any case... Let's go see how that water's doing," shaggy-haired guy suggested and it seemed like a fair compromise for right now.

The two assisted me with my hobbling scrunched up nosed, but with some effort we'd reached the outdoors. Each hop was jostling all of the skeleton. Pain was making me bleary and I just fell into the water without paying much attention to surroundings. I could tell there was literal bonfire heating up the contraption. It worked and that was all that mattered.

"Holy shit," bulky nurse exclaimed as he helped me to pull the clothes off. Yeah, I was pretty grimy, but not all of it was dirt. Was painfully clear as some of the blotches stubbornly refused to rinse away. "God damn, did he do this to you?"

"Nah," I said fighting off sleep. I'm lying, I wasn't even trying. This was heaven, especially after being in the cold for weeks. I could die here and not even care. These people with their poking though...

"You... sure?"

"Yea."

"So he'd helped you?"

"Debatable," I replied dryly.

"Can you tell us what happened?"

"I'm not confessing no sins to a demon cult!" I shouted lethargically.

Dripping medic shot a glance to the side and murmured, "... Albeit we did end up being somewhat like a cult under heel of what appears to be a literal devil, church is merely a building with thickest walls we bunker in in an emergency."

"Yea, how exactly did that happen?"

"Uh, long story," Almoner threw another brief look towards his danger-radiating supervisor.

"Same, same," I related. Curiosity seemed to abate for now, guy stuck to cleaning the wounds where I couldn't reach. Kicked the fire out after water started getting tad too warm. Priest made few relevant inquiries, and after they decided I wasn't imminently dying right this second, wandered off.

I woke with gentle slapping on my cheek and was forced to climb out of the murky water. Got bundled into a towel and was dragged back into to the church. I don't know how I was upright at all. Bath was so relaxing the little hops should have been impossible. 

The room smelled like bleach. And that was where I happily passed out. Frankly surprised it took me this long.