It was late December and of course, I hadn't asked Otto to leave. I just simply couldn't, we were getting along better than ever.

For him, it was a friendship of circumstance and for me, it was a heavily dysfunctional platonic relationship.

Once, I tried to cheat on my fake boyfriend, swiping through my Grindr countless times. I concluded that they didn't make guys like Otto in America... I was hopelessly smitten.

Otto was going home for Christmas, so I'd be getting some alone time to reflect on my emotional masochism.

I drove him to the airport and gave him a hug goodbye. I probably held on a bit longer than I should have. Four hours later, I had to pick him up again, as all flights had been canceled due to heavy snowfall.

He was furious with his dad for booking a cheap flight so close to Christmas Eve. For Germans, it was their big celebration and now it was impossible for him to make it home on time. Of course, I was going to invite him to my parents again.

The snow not only messed up the air traffic, we spent hours on the road. When we finally got home, he poured us a whiskey from the bottle he'd bought for his dad. Four glasses later we were giggling like children.

"It's good to hear you laugh," Otto said.

"What makes you say that?" I asked.

"You seem very... pensive, lately," Otto said, looking at me intently.

Had he finally figured it out? Should I just tell him? And what would that accomplish? There was absolutely no evidence that he could reciprocate my feelings, despite my attempts at convincing myself otherwise. 

Yet my alcohol-addled brain stepped outside of my self-made prison long enough to say, "Someone I care about will change their opinion of me if they find out... something."

"Well, that's very vague. Have you killed someone? Stolen? Cheated?" he asked.

"No," I said, laughing nervously.

"Then it can't be that bad," he said, pouring me more whiskey. "You're a good guy. This person's opinion shouldn't hold such power over you."

If only he knew.

"I think I might be in love," I said, my ears humming with the fear of having said it out loud.

"In love?" he repeated, looking surprised. "But you made it sound like you committed a crime!"

"It feels like one," I said. "If I say nothing, I'll never know but maybe that's for the best."

"Is it eating you up on the inside?" he said with concern.

"Yes," I breathed.

"Is it one of your friends, Eddie, Jay?" he asked after a moment's silence.

How could I simultaneously be angry at him for not seeing the obvious, yet so relieved he hadn't figured it out?

"It's not Eddy or Jay. It's..."

I stared deep into his eyes, my lips a fraction of a second away from saying the words, "It's you."

Instead, I chickened out at the last moment and said, "It's a guy from work. I'm scared of making my professional life unbearable if he doesn't feel the same way."

"Ah," he said as if it all made sense to him now. "Perhaps, you can use the Christmas break to gain some perspective and decide if he's truly worth it in the New Year."

Some solid advice, Otto. Thank you very fucking much! I'd planned to do exactly that but you missed your damn flight!

"I guess you're right," I said with a sigh.

"For what it's worth, the guy should consider himself lucky. You're a genuinely good person, a rarity in these troubled times."

Otto, Otto, Otto, keep talking like that and I'll just jump into your lap and...

Shit, my head was spinning and it wasn't just from the alcohol.

***

Otto had decided to stay for New Year's, even though his dad had offered to book him a new flight.

A friend of Eddie's was hosting a party and we'd been invited. I promised Otto that we would find a TV to watch the Times Square Ball Drop.

I was scrolling through my Insta when he knocked on my bedroom door.

"Can I come in?" he asked, quietly.

I patted the spot next to me on the bed and he sat down with a look that I'd never seen before.

"Have you ever heard the joke about the epitome of mixed feelings?"

"Can't say that I've had the pleasure," I said. What was this really about?

"When your mother-in-law drives off the cliff in your brand new BMW."

I actually laughed.

"Roy, I'm going back to Germany," he said, looking out of the window. "I was offered my dream job in Berlin."

Fuck!

"But that sounds like an amazing opportunity for you!" I said, trying to fake enthusiasm.

"I will miss America," he said, returning his gaze to me. "Most of all, I will miss... this place."

Was he going to say something else? Stop, enough with the wishful thinking.

He was actually leaving, I still couldn't process it.

"When do you need to go?" I asked, needing to keep my shit together for a bit longer.

"Beginning of January," he said quietly.

Oh, wow. That quick.

"Otto, this is fantastic news and I'm super excited for you," I managed to say after taking a moment to breathe.

"I really want you to know how much I appreciate all the good times we've spent together," he said, leaning in for a hug.

"Let me get changed so we can go out for dinner and celebrate," I said, needing him to leave my room.

Once he was gone, I covered my face with a pillow and screamed. This mad one-way affair was coming to an end and it was sure to leave the same wounds as a broken relationship.

I hoped that "out of sight, out of mind" would eventually bring me peace, but right now all I wanted to do was cry.

***

Everyone at the party was either staring at Otto as if he were a piece of art or trying to find a way to engage with him. He was cordial and humorous as always, and they couldn't get enough of him.

My time with him was slipping through my fingers and now I had to watch this gaggle of queens fawn over him. I was desperately jealous.

When we approached midnight, I took Otto to an upstairs guestroom. As promised, we watched the Ball Drop on an iPad; the best I could do considering that no one else in the house was interested.

Five, four, three, two, one...

When Otto turned around to wish me a happy new year, I did what I'd wanted to do since the day I first met him; I grabbed his face and kissed his perfect lips.

He was temporarily locked in shock before saying, "Roy, I'm not..."

"Shhh, I know," I said. "That was just for me."

"It wasn't someone from work, was it?" he whispered, finally seeing the obvious.

"No," I replied, the heavy burden of unspoken truth falling off my shoulders.

"But..."

"It's done," I said, realizing that it really was. I'd stomped on my own heart more than I could bear. "Sometimes things are just not meant to be."

"Roy... Can I still be your friend?" he asked, hesitantly.

"Of course, you gorgeous dumbass!"

***

I'd promised myself to keep my shit together at the airport and I actually managed. Once I was home, however, all the raw feelings bubbled to the surface.

Obviously, it took a while to get over months and months of infatuation but that's why they invented ice cream and rom-coms.

Then, I actually met a guy at work. He was kind, funny, and very gay. Josh moved within eight months.

Otto and I had remained in touch and when he came to visit two years later, he brought his fiancée. I got along with her spectacularly well and whenever Otto looked at us, all he could do was smile.

Whilst Josh and Katy were indulging in their shared love for celebrity gossip, Otto took me aside.

"The wedding is in October and you and Josh have to come," he said.

"Of course, we'll be there."

"Good, because a wedding without a best man..." he let the implied proposition hang.

"I'd be honored," I breathed.

"I'm really grateful we could stay friends."

"Me too," I said, hugging him tight. "Me too."