Patient Intake Form – Mood Evaluation

Patient Number: 0619

Patient Name: Robin Stephens

Question One: How Are You Feeling Today?

First of all, you stupid fucks got my name wrong. It’s Robbie, not Robin, you absolute idiots. If you’re going to kidnap random people and then hold them hostage and then give them stupid questionnaires – which is ridiculous, by the way – then you should at least stalk them well enough to get their names right. Like seriously, it’s on my ID, in my wallet, which I assume you must have pinched because I don’t have it. Mr Robbie Stephens, right there in bold print just in case you can’t read very well, which you clearly can’t. Oh fuck I’m running out of room one minute

Question Two: How Much Of Your Life Prior To Intake Can You Remember?

Okay I’m not done yet – secondly, how am I a patient? I’m not ill and you’ve certainly not given me anything that I’d call medical care, unless you’re putting drugs in that slop that you call food. If you are, then I’m pretty sure that’s illegal and you should definitely stop. I know I can’t call the police or anything but if I ever get a phone, the first thing I’m doing is ratting you in. And I can’t remember anything, if you really need to know, which I’m guessing is because of you doing something to my head, so fuck you for that.

Question Three: Do You Have Any Thoughts Or Plans To Harm Yourself?

I don’t think me harming myself is what you need to be worried about. If anything, I’m pissed off enough to – oh fuck, I just saw the next question.

Question Four: Do You Have Any Thoughts Or Plans To Harm Others?

You’re trying to trap me here. You’re gonna get some sort of confession out of me for some stupid crime I haven’t committed and then you’re gonna keep me here forever. You guys are sick. For the record, I can’t remember anything since I woke up here, but I’m damn sure that I haven’t hurt anyone. I’ve managed to restrain myself from punching your stupid psychologist person in the face, even though she keeps smirking at me while I’m writing this, so I would like to have it known that I am not a violent person and I have never done a crime. Ever. So let me out. Now.

Question Five: Do You Experience Uncontrolled Anger, In Short Bursts Or For Prolonged Periods?

I’m not falling for your bullshit. Same comment as above. You’re not pinning shit on me, thank you very much.

Question Six: Are You Having Any Trouble Sleeping?

I reckon you would have some trouble sleeping too if you were locked in a room where the lights are never fucking turned off. How high is your electricity bill? Rich twats.

Question Seven: Do You Find It Hard To Concentrate Or Focus?

Unsurprisingly, when there is literally nothing to concentrate or focus on, it is a bit hard to concentrate or focus. What a shocker.

Question Eight: Do You Feel Irritable Or Overly Annoyed?

I think victims of kidnapping can probably be forgiven for feeling irritable and overly annoyed. Personally, I think it’s quite reasonable that I want to be let the fuck out of here, and the fact that you’re keeping me here is just making me more ‘irritable’, so it’s your fault, fuckers.

Question Nine: Have You Been Struggling With Loss Of Appetite Or Overeating?

Trying to force myself to choke down that tasteless slop does mess with my appetite a little bit, y’know. Can’t possibly think why. Proper mystery, that one.

Question Ten: Do You Feel Normal?

If anyone felt normal in this place then I would be seriously questioning their state of mind to begin with.

Intake Form Submitted: XX/XX/205X

Intake Form Signed: Robbie Stephens

Conversation With The Stupid Psychologist Lady

-for context, she knocked on the door, although I didn’t know it was her, obviously, and then I started shouting and banging, and then she asked to come in, and I was just standing there thinking ‘well I don’t have a key to let you in, do I?’, and then she came in anyway-

Her: Hello, Robin. May I sit down?

Me: The fuck you calling me that for?

Her: Robin is your name.

Me: My name is Robbie, lady.

Her: May I sit down?

Me: I ain’t gonna stop you.

-and here, she sat down on the bed, so I was just sort of awkwardly standing next to her because I didn’t wanna sit next to some weird lady who just walked into Hell-

Her: Thank you, Robin.

Me: Robbie.

Her: I’m sure you’re feeling a little bit confused about everything right now.

Me: Well, you have locked me in a room for days. No one’s told me anything. I’m pretty pissed, yeah.

Her: I’ve got a form for you to fill out. Well, more like a questionnaire, to be honest.

-this was when she took that stupid questionnaire out of her bag, and put it on the bed-

Me: I’m not filling in no stupid form for you. I wanna know why I’m here.

Her: What do you remember?

Me: Nothing, that’s the fucking point.

Her: Sometimes, it’s best not to remember.

Me: Jesus Christ, lady, I might not remember anything but I’m not stupid. I gotta have a family out there – I remember my mum. I wanna see her.

Her: That isn’t possible right now. I can promise you that you’re here for your own good, but that’s all I can tell you. If you’re willing to co-operate, then there might be something I can do in the future.

Me: In the fucking future? How long am I gonna be here?

Her: That depends. It varies from patient to patient. This isn’t an exact science, Robin.

Me: Robbie. And the fuck you mean, science? Am I being tested on? Isn’t that illegal?

Her: This treatment process is in the developmental stages, but it’s perfectly safe. You’ll be taken care of while you’re here, and your family have been informed.

Me: Do I even get a phone call?

Her: Further privileges will be dependent on your co-operation.

Me: This is twisted. You’re sick.

Her: No, Robin, you’re sick. This is all for your own good, as well as the protection of the public.

Me: The fucking public? Have I got the plague or something?

Her: I can see that you’re getting over-excited. I need to supervise you filling in the form, but I can bring someone in here to quiet you down if needed.

Me: Listen to yourself. You sound insane. Quiet me down?

Her: Robin, it’s your choice. Fill in the form, or I will call for security.

Me: Fine. Give me the stupid form. And stop trying to rename me, it’s freaky. Is this a brainwashing thing?

-here, she gave me the form, which had a stupid little green smiley face logo in the top right-hand corner that made me want to vomit-

Her: Please, just fill in the form.