I Shall Rewrite the Stars

Chapter 20

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“Selene?”

“Juba?” I whisper, cringing at the ache in my head. “What happened? We…we were just in the river, weren’t we?”

Juba pulls me closer, his arms warm against the cold skin of my waist. Though I cannot see him in the pitch darkness around us, I feel him tense. “You struck a rock as we fell, remember—or no, I suppose you couldn’t. You had lost consciousness by the time we surfaced.”

Leaning in, I press my forehead to his chest. “I don’t remember hitting anything.”

“I’ve been worried sick. You wouldn’t open your eyes, no matter how I’ve begged.”

“Forgive me.”

Falling quiet, we lie in a silence broken by the echoing trickles of running water. A light breeze sweeps through, sending shivers down my arms as it whistles overhead.

“Are we not outside?” I ask, peering up.

Only just able to make out Juba’s face, I find him watching me. “We’re not,” he says, brushing a loose strand of hair from my cheek. “The current swelled and sucked us into a cave system.”

“I don’t imagine those beasts from before will be able to follow us. Not for the time being, at least.”

“Such is why I set up as much a camp as I could. There is no natural light in here, so it’s difficult to see very much. I’ve considered starting a fire, but the smoke might gather and force us to flee.”

“We shall have to start one before we can leave, won’t we?”

Juba tenses. “We will, but…some adjustments must be made before then.”

“Adjustments?”

“Our clothes were soaked. It’s dangerous enough to sit around drenched to the bone, but you were unconscious and freezing. So I…I did what I had to.”

Confused, I try to lean back—to see him better. Pressing my palm into Juba’s chest, I freeze when his hand catches my waist.

My bare waist.

Breath caught in my throat, my cheeks feel aflame—burning hotter when I realize that Juba’s chest is just as bare—that there is no cloth between us!

“I didn’t see anything!” I cry, immediately cursing myself for it. Of course I didn’t see anything—I was unconscious!

It takes all of a heartbeat before Juba bursts into laughter. The sound echoes, bouncing around us with warmth and genuine delight. Embarrassed as I am, my heart flutters at the sound. In my visions, I only heard Juba laugh like this, twice.

“Shouldn’t I be the one swearing to have seen nothing?” he asks. “Even if you’d seen all of me, no one would care. Your reputation however, can easily be called into question now.”

“Let all the world question me,” I grumble. “I know you would never seek to do me harm, and that is all that matters.”

“My, what faith you place in me.” As he speaks, Juba pulls me an inch closer. Lips to my ear, he whispers, “I am not the Juba from your visions, you know. Maybe I would do things that the me you saw, wouldn’t.”

“You…”

It's hard to think when we’re like this. In the future, I was meant to see Juba in various states of undress. When I’d tend to his wounds; when the heat became overwhelming; when he’d leave to go bathe. I was meant to see more of his bared skin than any other!

But I was never meant to feel any of it. Not the way I do now, with my fingers brushing the muscles along his ribs and my knees against his thighs and…

We did not even consummate our marriage, for fear of having a child whom Gustavian would use against us, I recall with a pang of sadness. As it was exactly because of this, because we’d shared no union of the flesh, no soul-binding, that Gustavian had full leave to separate us.

“Selene?” Juba asks. “I didn’t mean to frighten you. On what little honor I have left, as Principe of Numidel, I swear I did nothing but pull the soaked cloth from you—I didn’t even do so by firelight! I-”

“I know,” I say, forcing back the pain. “I know you did nothing, even without you saying so.”

“Even if I admit that it crossed my mind to look?”

I smile. “It might have crossed my mind to look, if I’d been in your position. Is that not a normal thought? On my end, I bear no shame in telling you now, Juba, that you are a very handsome man.”

“I-…” he flounders, and I can imagine his face going red. “Th-…thank you?”

“That sounds like a question.”

“It is. Roma praises short hair and bright eyes, barrel chests, men dripping with gold-”

“Neither of us are Romasian, so what does it matter what they praise or find attractive?”

 “How can you find a slave attractive?”

Another silence falls over us, this one weighty. In it, I sense Juba’s self-loathing and bitterness.

“I find you attractive, Juba,” I finally say, shifting to wrap my arm around him, thus pulling us flush together.

“Selene,” he breathes, stone stiff.

“I don’t care if Roma has branded you a slave,” I continue, unbudging. “I don’t care if you never reclaim your throne. I don’t care if we fade into nothing, forgotten by all the world! For when I see you, I see you, Juba. I see my friend, my comfort, and my protector. What care should I have for the titles otherwise attached to you?”

Hesitantly, with hand splayed across the small of my back, Juba returns my embrace. “You should know that I…that I heard what you said to Raja, after I’d walked away,” he says. “After our argument, I mean. I heard it all.”

Fear and relief sweep over me, setting my heart on edge. “I will never ask you to become the man whom fate meant you to be. It would not be fair, for love should be freely given, not coerced or demanded.”

“Your visions did not coerce you to feel something for a total stranger?”

“For me, it was not a simple glimpse into the future. I lived every second, every heartache, every loss…”

“You lived with a me who became your husband.”

“The only husband I was ever meant to have. The only person I was ever meant to become so close to.”

Juba sighs, the sound soft and sad. “I’ve never loved someone before, so I can’t even try to share in the burden you’ve carried.”

“I would not want you to,” I say. “To long for someone who has never existed, is terrible.”

“If the me I am now were to develop feelings for you, would you ever be able to trust them?”

I consider that. “Perhaps. From the moment we met in this life, I’ve just wanted to remain close to you, Juba. But I have no intention of pursuing the fate we were meant to share. I am fine with bearing this ache for the rest of my days-”

“I’m not.”

Fingers trembling, Juba hugs me just a bit tighter. From his chest, I can hear his heart racing, and for such a brave man, suddenly he seems so afraid.

“I’m not, Selene,” Juba says. “How can I do nothing, when I know that you’re carrying such strong feelings—unrequited feelings? How can I just ignore that?”

“Is there no hope of retaining our friendship?” I ask, dreading his answer.

“We’ve been through too much to lose our friendship now.”

“Then-”

“But I don’t know how to be the man you ma-…the man you married.” Heaving another sigh, Juba continues in a whisper. “The idea is terrifying. Me a husband? Me, Gustavian’s precious pet—me, a worthless slave, somehow wedded to-”

“A girl who was meant to be just as much Gustavian’s slave, as you,” I try.

Juba shakes his head. “Me, somehow wedded to a Daughter of Kemet, who smiles with the brilliance of the stars. Whose beauty could rival the moonlight. Whose kindness is unwavering. Whose bravery surely trumps that of all the greatest warriors of the world. Whose narrow shoulders bear the weight of the future for us all. How can I even imagine myself as the husband to someone so amazing?”

Tears sting in the corners of my eyes. “In the future, following our wedding and exile, you were meant to say something similar.”

“As an apology?”

“As your true wedding vows.”

The words hardly leave my lips, when Juba’s self-restraint shatters. He presses me close, as if to let me go would end this precious moment. And I cling to him in return, so afraid that this is all some beautiful dream. So afraid that if it’s not, then all the joy I feel right now will fade were an inch of space to come between us.

And maybe it should. Maybe it’s safer if we part and leave these words here, in the dark.

Yet…I don’t want to. I love him—I love this man. I love him so, so much, and now he knows! And I don’t care if he loves me back or not. It’s enough to have finally been able to acknowledge my feelings in this life!

To finally unburden my heart, is the greatest, most terrifying and wonderful and beautiful sense of relief.

“Did you accept me, only because Gustavian forced us to wed?” Juba asks against my hair.

“I fell for you long, long before then,” I reply.

“I can’t-” he stops and tries again. “I feel something strong, something bigger than I can fully understand, in my heart. I’ve felt it stir since we met, but I won’t call it love. In truth, I don’t know for sure what love is. But there is something there, Selene. Please, tell me that can be enough for now.”

“Of course it can,” I say.

Juba releases his breath. “I really thought you might say no.”

“Because you don’t know me well. But we will change that—you do want to change that, don’t you?”

“Didn’t I make it obvious?”

“Be kind to me, Juba,” I laugh. “My heart has been through so much. Will you really fault me for seeking confirmation?”

“No,” he says, pulling me up to sit with him. “As I’m sure you know, I seek confirmation quite often myself. If there’s any room to question something, I tend to remain skeptical.”

“And I know full well as to why.” It takes all I have to drop my arms and pull away. I’d so much rather cling to Juba till the end of time! But… “We’ve been here for a while, haven’t we? There’s so much to say, so much more I’d like to do-”

“But Mrunal and the others must be desperately searching for us,” Juba concludes, reaching back to pass me a heap of stiff cloth. “I understand.”

Turning away, I pull my clothes on, suddenly grateful for the darkness. It was hard enough to bear my heart, but to have done it in the light—or worse, unclothed in the light, would have been…

I banish the thought, and tell Juba that I am dressed. A minute or two later, a striking sound hisses through the air, followed by the flickering of a small flame.

At first, I can see little when I meet Juba’s eyes. As my gaze adjusts, I look away. I do not regret a word of what I’d said, or the moment we have shared, but to see him now is…overwhelming.

“We’ll move slowly,” Juba says, setting his hand atop mine. “Even so, do not question my sincerity, Selene. All that exists between us is new to me. I need time to understand it—and I do intend to understand it.”

“I shall remain by your side until you do, and long after,” I say, standing. “I just…”

Juba rises, keeping hold of my hand. “Will you never look at me again?”

My eyes whip toward his. “Of course I will! I-”

He smiles the most lovely, beautiful smile beneath pink-tinged cheeks. And I realize he was teasing me.

“I seek to change so much of the future I saw,” I say. “But I truly hope beyond all hope, that what we had will remain the same.”

“Thus far, it seems to be on the right track,” Juba says, nodding forward. “We’ve pressing matters to attend to. Let’s talk more of this, later.”

I agree, and together we follow the breeze, moving carefully over damp stones until a large, empty space spreads out before us. The echoing grows louder, stretching deep into the darkness. I frown.

“A tunnel?”

“It seems so,” Juba says, twining our fingers. “This torch won’t last long. We need to move fast, before it flickers out.”

I nod, pausing only a breath to glance back. Though it lies cloaked in shadows, I smile at the space where we’d lain. The precious moment we shared there shall lie both in this cave and in our hearts, untouchable by anyone or thing.

To continue on is a bit saddening, but to know for sure that we can express ourselves, our true selves, is powerful. In the darkness of this life, Juba and I discovered a small slice of freedom. What will happen when we return to the light? How much more might we express under the warmth of the sun and the protection of the moon?

With our first step, my hope blossoms into confidence. Our love was preordained, and though small, it has a foothold in this life. Even with all I have changed, it is still here. And it will grow—I know it will!

For the first time, I feel as though I have my own special purpose. I may not do much in this life, but I can love the man beside me until my very last breath!

And I could not imagine a more wonderful, beautiful, perfect reason to live. Not even in my wildest dreams. 

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