Chapter 18

The drive home with Myles is a virtually silent one. I’ve never seen Myles look so angry before. I’m too tired to say anything, so I stare out the window the whole time. When we reach my apartment, Myles attempts to come with me.

“I’m sorry Myles, but…not tonight. I just need to be alone,” I murmur, not quite able to look at him. It was so humiliating, having Myles hear those things my mother said. 

“Please, love. I won’t say anything, I’ll sleep on the sofa- just please let me stay with you tonight,” Myles’ voice cracks a little towards the end. Too tired, I give in. Myles follows me through the door, but stays in my little living room when I go into my bedroom. Shutting the door behind me, I sink down to the floor and wrap my arms around myself, feeling a few tears escape from my eyes. And then a few tears turns into that ugly, loud sobbing, which turns into full body wailing, my lungs barely able to get enough air in to breathe. Myles urgently knocks against my door and I try to drag myself out from behind it, scared by my own hyperventilating. My mate quickly squeezes through the gap in the door and wraps me up in his strong arms. He effortlessly picks me up and places me on the bed, wrapping me in a blanket and cuddling me close, offering his neck for me to scent. 

It takes a long time, but eventually my hyperventilating, scream-like sobs turn into regular tears. Myles was right not to leave me alone tonight. I really don’t know what would have happened without him here to calm me down. I pass out from emotional exhaustion soon after, but I know that I’ll be safe in my mate’s arms.

When I eventually wake up, the clock on my bedside table claims that I’ve slept a full fourteen hours. Myles is still here, his arms wrapped around me and his face buried in my neck. 

“Thank you,” I whisper, feeling unable to say anything more than that. Myles kisses my mating mark, his arms giving me a gentle squeeze. 

“My wolf was begging me not to leave you alone. I didn’t know what you would do if I left…I was really scared,” Myles murmurs, his hand trembling slightly where it rests on my stomach. Well, not really my stomach since I’m in a million layers of blankets, but anyway.

“I wouldn’t ever hurt myself, in case that’s what you’re worried about.”

“Ok, good. Please promise me that,” Myles turns me slightly to look at him. I probably look absolutely revolting right now, but his eyes are so filled with love that it still takes my breath away.

“I promise,” I murmur, shifting around so that I can hide my face in my mate’s shoulder and scent him. Myles presses a kiss to the top of my head. 

“I was shocked. When you said your parents weren’t that supportive, I thought you meant…I don’t know. But I wasn’t expecting that.”

“Neither was I,” I breathe out, blowing hot air across Myles’ neck. He shivers slightly and I belatedly realise that while I’m wrapped in a blanket, Myles looks like he hasn’t moved from this spot for fourteen hours and therefore has probably been cold all that time. Immediately getting up, I climb under the covers and wait for Myles to join me. When he does, I quickly snuggle back into his side, letting out a contented sigh. 

“I really love you. Thank you for going there with me, and standing up for me, and not leaving me alone. And for calming me down. And for being here now,” I mumble into Myles’ shoulder. He hums, pulling me in closer. 

“I am always, always going to be here. I know you sometimes think that your trauma is a burden to me but it isn’t and it will never be. It’s just a part of you, and I love all parts of you. I suppose I just…understand where you get those feelings from now, with parents like those,” Myles says softly. Letting out a small sigh, I nod.

“You’re probably right. About my parents, that is. I’m just- surprised, I guess. At how my mother still understands nothing. All this time to think about why I left and the conclusion she came to was what, that I- that my fear was just a phase?” I take a deep breath, forcing myself to calm down. “They don’t understand and they probably won’t ever. But I don’t have to stick around to find that out.”

Myles nods quickly, pressing another kiss into my hair. “You have us now. Atticus and the others of course, but Xabien and me too. And what we don’t understand, we will listen to you to try to understand.”

“I know,” I whisper, feeling calm. “I know and I am so grateful for that. For all of you. But mainly you, Myles,” I murmur. I don’t need my parents. I have made it through these four years without them perfectly well, and I’m just going to keep getting better.

Without them.

Eventually, Myles has to go back to the pack. He already spent much more time with me than he was meant to, so he’ll have extra work that needs to be done when he returns.

“I’ll call you this evening?” He squeezes my hand, his eyes filled with love.

“The moment you’re free,” I smile, leaning in to hug my mate. Myles wraps me up in his arms and I let out a contented sigh. I may not be living the life I ever expected for myself, but I find a little joy every day. I just have to keep moving forward. And it’s hard, it’s definitely had. But it’ll just keep getting easier, with time.

I spend the rest of the day considering my future. I look further into therapist qualifications and call Atticus to talk about what happened in my pack. I want to join Myles’ pack, I know I do. But I also know I shouldn’t rush into the decision just because of my parents. So I’m still going to make myself wait at least a week, and in a couple days when I see Myles next, I’ll ask him some more about what would be expected of me in the pack. He said they have a pack therapist currently so I would be able to learn from him directly, which would be great. From the looks of things I will still need to complete some classes in the human town, but that’s fine. It might be nice, having an excuse to come back here. Plus…I don’t think I’ll be ready to do much within the pack other than stay afloat, just at the beginning. I know I’m going to need time to settle in, and there’s no use rushing myself on that. 

It’s nice though, having a goal again. A goal where I can see the steps I have to do in order to reach what I want to do. It’s nice focusing on something, working towards something. It will be nice, having a job I believe in.

I said it to spite my parents, but really - I do want to be useful to my new pack. Of course I do. Especially since I know that Xabien wouldn’t force me to go at any speed faster than what I can cope with currently.

So, this is good. All of this. It’s…progress.