Unfortunately, these crisscrossing lines and colors did fuck all to help him strategize. Looking at the page, his eyes spun in their sockets like drunk sugarplum fairies.

The next day he decided to go to the store and buy things haphazardly. Four different brands of eggnog, three different sizes of candy canes, fifteen meters of string Christmas lights, two plastic sleds, gift wrapping, an XXXL fake Christmas tree, two fireplace-scented candles, a decorate-your-own-gingerbread-house set, and a fistful of mistletoe all went into the shopping cart. 

Call me Father Motherfucking Christmas, Mikhail grinned, examining his haul in the back of the black van. 

The System dutifully popped up:

【UPDATING HOST’S PERSONAL INFORMATION -

NAME: (Father Motherfucking Christmas)

DOB: 11/11/199X

GENDER: MALE

SEXUALITY: QUESTIONING

OCCUPATION: PERSONAL ASSISTANT

KP BALANCE: 0】

Mikhail: “…”

He did a double-take.

Hold on! Since when did it change from “unknown” to “questioning?!”

₊˚｡⋆❆⋆｡˚₊

The black van was quite spacious. Nevertheless, because Mikhail had chosen the largest available size for the fake Chrismas tree, its cardboard box stretched from the trunk all the way to the front windshield. On the drive back to Shen Dan’s house, every time Manager Wei rounded a corner, the cardboard box slammed into his shoulder, nearly causing them to veer off the road. 

The fourth or fifth time it happened, Manager Wei grumbled, “Mr. Li, you can’t honestly expect that Shen Dan will let you put this stuff in his house.”

Mikhail didn’t hear him. He was too busy jamming out to the EDM tune he’d beamed into the black van’s speakers. 

Bwam bwam bwam bwam bwam-bwam-bwambwamwamwam…

The EDM tune was just winding up for “the drop,” when suddenly it got cut off.

Mikhail pounded his fists on the car’s dash and bellowed, “What the fuck!”

Manager Wei, who had switched off the audio, gritted his teeth as the cardboard box once again slammed into his shoulder. “Ouch! Are you listening to me, Mr. Li? I’m telling you, you bought this stuff for no reason! Shen Dan is going to make us throw it away! He! Hates! Christmas!!!”

Mikhail shrugged. “That’s fine, I don’t like it either—” 

“Oh, yeah? However much you don’t like it, you can bet Shen Dan doesn’t like it a million times more! The reason is… wait, why am I telling you this! It’s none of your business!”

Mikhail shrugged. “That’s fine, I don’t really care—”

“Not care!? How dare you not care! Shen Dan went through so many hardships. As a child, his parents were strict and unfeeling. Every Christmas they liked to host large parties. But did they let Shen Dan play with all the other kids? No! They kept him locked upstairs in his room like a dog! Sometimes they even forgot to feed him! And all those years, he never received a single present. Because he failed to get along with his peers, his evil parents considered him a rude little beast and were embarrassed by him!”

Mikhail shrugged. “That’s fine, I think I get the idea—”

“It’s much, much more tragic than just that! One time when Shen Dan was just five years old, he had a life-changing encounter—”

The rest of Manager Wei’s story got drowned out the moment Mikhail realized he could download a free music plugin from the System’s Universal Store. 

₊˚｡⋆❆⋆｡˚₊

Back at the house, while Manager Wei got to work unloading the festive materials from the black van, Mikhail meanwhile got to work coming up with a plan to save his sorry ass. Biting into a bagel, he asked the System, “Alright, what are my chances of getting Shen Dan to use this stuff?”

【RUNNING ANALYSIS… CRUNCHING DATA… LIKELIHOOD OF PAIRED HUMAN (Shen Dan) VOLUNTARILY ENGAGING IN TRADITIONAL CHRISTMAS ACTIVITIES: LESS THAN 0.0000001%】

Hearing these zero’s stretch on, Mikhail accidentally inhaled a sesame seed and nearly choked to death.

Once again, he would have to use his noodle to solve this problem.

₊˚｡⋆❆⋆｡˚₊

The evening of December 16th, Shen Dan was on the couch in the living room reading a book. 

Mikhail stood in the doorway watching him intently. He had a small flowchart scribbled on the back of a receipt, which he scanned one final time before stowing it away into his pocket. With the help of his two index fingers, he manually pulled his lips into a frightening smile. He then flitted over to Shen Dan’s side like an outgoing mosquito and said:

“Oh! Shen Dan, I see you’re reading a book. Why don’t you lean back and relax, I’ll give you a back massage. You like my massages better than Manager Wei’s, right? You know, that’s because Manager Wei’s hands are too rough. I once knew a hand model when I was in college. Ah, back then—”

This monologue, consisting of so many jumps in logic, truly deserved an F-.

By now, Mikhail had wedged himself between Shen Dan’s back and the couch. His legs were straddling the man’s waist. He had already started pinching Shen Dan’s toned shoulders through his shirt when Shen Dan abruptly reached over and snatched Mikhail’s right hand.

Shen Dan brushed Mikhail’s wrist with a thumb, but didn’t say anything.

It was clear he wasn’t reading anymore.

With his wrist being tickled like this, Mikhail’s thoughts began to entangle in a panic. His teeth started chattering again.

Don’t lose focus! Stick to the script! The script!

“Um, as I was saying. Where was I? Ah, back then… ah, back then… ah, back then! It was a different time. I used to be so young and carefree. My friends and I would play games for fun. I wish I could go back to those days. Say, that gets me thinking. Does Shen Dan maybe want to play a little game with me?”

“Busy.”

Busy doing what! Reading? You haven’t turned a page in twenty minutes! 

No matter. The flowchart Mikhail had memorized had prepared for this scenario. He gracefully performed a triple-axel over this small blip and said:

“Of course, Shen Dan is busy. You’ve been working very hard filming these past days. The game I’m thinking about is very simple, though. It will only take about fifteen minutes. Perhaps in acting school you used to play it, too? Ahem, it’s called Truth or Dare.”

Lightly, ever so lightly, Shen Dan dug a fingernail into Mikhail’s wrist. 

Mikhail shuddered. At this rate, if he continued talking, he was going to have nail-marks in addition to teeth-marks on that wrist. 

He felt like a fisherman reeling in a dangerous great white shark. The lone fin could be seen circling, but the line extending into the ocean depths was still slack. Internally, he drummed on his chest and shouted, Come on, you third-rate actor scum! Take the damn bait! 

Suddenly, Shen Dan released Mikhail’s hand and returned to his book. 

“Busy,” he said again.

With that, the lone fin disappeared into the deep blue…

₊˚｡⋆❆⋆｡˚₊

Mikhail had miscalculated.

His flowchart had not prepared him for this.

₊˚｡⋆❆⋆｡˚₊

It wasn’t as if he hadn’t researched everything beforehand. While coming up with this plan, Mikhail had turned to Youtoupee and watched as many interviews featuring Shen Dan as possible. During one interview for the filming of the movie Tralalalala Land, Shen Dan confessed to playing Truth or Dare a lot as an acting student. He said that the game left him with many memories.

Didn’t that mean he should have been willing to play?

Did the internet… steer him wrong?

Critical warning! Critical warning! We’re taking on water! Engage failsafe!

Mikhail dared to open his mouth one last time:

“To make it even more fun, why don’t we come up with a rule?”

“Or rather than a rule, a punishment?”

“How about this, Shen Dan…”

“If we play Truth or Dare together, the loser of the game has to ‘spread his legs’ for the other.”

₊˚｡⋆❆⋆｡˚₊

The book in Shen Dan’s hands snapped shut.

Breaking news! The fisherman has boldly thrown a droplet of blood into the sea! The lone shark fin has popped back above the surface! The fishing line has gone taut, the waves are choppy, the fight is on!

Having said this, Mikhail turned white as a sheet of paper.

The room was silent. Shen Dan set his book onto the coffee table. He shifted positions, causing Mikhail, who had been sitting behind him, to fall to the left side of the couch. 

As the back of his head hit the arm of the couch, Mikhail expelled an “oof.”

He heard Shen Dan answer slowly, “Will you be going first, or me?” 

Suddenly finding himself in Shen Dan’s shadow, Mikhail blinked. In one fluid motion, the person looming over him was removing his reading glasses. A pair of piercing phoenix eyes were gazing down at him through dark bangs, seeming to have the superpower of freezing a person in place. 

Mikhail involuntarily clamped his legs together. 

Aleexa—no, System… play BGM_JawsTheme…